March 2024 – Beeshive

Resting Bitch Face………

I’ve come to the realization that I suffer from a bad case of “Resting Bitch Face”.

Here’s an album of my “Resting Bitch Face” in Canada, America, and Iceland…..

What causes Resting Bitch Face?

Probably a life time of being dead on the inside.

It’s hard at work because I gotta fake a smile all the time otherwise people seem to think that I’m going to snap.

It’s not that I hate or despise perky people. I just don’t feel the need to run around all day with an insane grin on my face.

In my house there was no need to smile.

The best thing around grandma, Richard, or Sue was to just adopt a blank face.

And growing up keeping a blank face also work at school as it kept the other kids and the teachers from knowing that anything was wrong at home.

When I went to the Westfield program in Edmonton from June 1982 to March 1983 we had to talk about our “feelings”. We also had to do “temperature check” every morning before classes so that we could express our feelings and emotions.

This did not go over well with me. I hated it. I hated talking about feelings.

Richard, Grandma, and the events of CFB Namao had killed off just about every emotion that I ever had.

Even to this day the worst thing that you could do is ask me to express emotions, or talk about my feelings, of talk about personal things.

“You don’t like to talk about personal things?”

Get the fuck outta here!

What the fuck is this blog then?

This blog is therapy and a testament.

Besides, I talk about what I want to talk about when I want to talk about it.

But Bobbie, you gotta talk about your feelings if you want to get better……..

Nope.

That’s not how this works.

You don’t get to ignore the past and then wash your hands of my dysfunction by further blaming me for being me.

Don’t forget, a lot of my dysfunction didn’t come from bad personal choice. Almost all of my dysfunction can be traced back directly to bad decisions made by members of the Canadian Armed Forces.

You didn’t honestly think that what I endured wasn’t going to have an effect on me, did you?

And blaming me for the dysfunction wasn’t going to cure me.

I think that this may be one of the reasons that I embraced an eccentric manner of dressing, what I lack on the inside I cover up with nice colours, patterns, and designs on the outside.

Too little, too late

If you haven’t paid attention to the media over the last few days you missed out on some major changes coming to the Canadian Armed Forces.

The Minister of National Defence is calling for the removal of sexual assault from the purview of the Canadian Forces Military Police Group, including the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service.

The Minister is requesting that all sexual assaults that occur on Defence Establishments in Canada be investigated and prosecuted by the civilian police and the civilian justice system.

I will be very curious to see how this affects military dependents that were sexually abused on military bases in Canada, especially in the days prior to 1998.

I also wonder how this will affect pre-1998 child sexual assault investigations that rely on access to the service files of retired service personnel.

This of course is 13 years and three weeks too late to be of any benefit to me.

In my case the CFNIS, the Provost Marshal, and the Canadian Forces will always be able to say that the Military Police Complaints Commission and Federal Court justice Yves De Montigny found no issues with the 2012 MPCC investigation which in turn found no issues with the 2011 CFNIS investigation and therefore the 2011 CFNIS investigation was an example of superb police work.

That of course only works so long as the CFNIS, the Provost Marshal, and the Canadian Forces forget to tell the Canadian public that they willingly withheld from the Military Police Complaints Commission and ultimately Federal Court Justice Yves De Montigny the fact that the CFNIS in 2011 had in their possession the 1980 CFSIU investigation paperwork, and the 1980 Court Martial transcripts that show that it was the babysitter’s abuse of young children that brought him to the attention of the base military police and that this subsequently brought Captain Father Angus McRae to the attention of the CFSIU which found that McRae had been molesting well over 25 children on the base and that McRae had been obfuscating this abuse by administering alcohol to the children that he was abusing in the rectory of the chapel.

I also like the fact that the Minister of National Defence is willing to expand those who can make interference complaints to the Military Police Complaints Commission. Up to now the only persons who can make complaints are the investigators with the military police or the CFNIS. But if your superior gives you a “lawful command” is that really interference?

https://www.canada.ca/en/department-national-defence/news/2024/03/introduction-of-the-military-justice-system-modernization-act.html

What’s next?

Well, now that M.A.i.D. is off the table until 2027 I’m going to pick up on an issue that I wanted to deal with prior to 2011 when I sent my email to the Edmonton Police Service.

I don’t really think my complaint with the BC Human Rights Tribunal will have much effect on the government, at least not in the short term.

And I don’t expect to hear anything from the DND and the DOJ until at least 2030. They’re gonna want to ride this matter out for as long as possible.

In 2008 I legally changed my name.

This was done for two reasons.

The first was that I had decided that if Richard wanted nothing to do with me, then I wanted nothing to do with him.

The second was that at the time I was considering undergoing gender reassignment.

For all of my life, up to that point, I had never felt like I was a male.

I never connected with “male” things.

I loved dresses as a kid and feminine things. Once I got my first apartment in New Westminster around 1994 I started buying dresses on the sly and wearing them in my apartment.

As a kid I used to get the shit beat out of me on CFB Downsview ’cause I acted like a girl or walked like a girl or cried like a girl, etc.

The teachings of Captain Totzke were still fresh in my head that I had been sexually abused by the babysitter because I enjoyed having sex with boys.

But then in 2011 I had to go and try to get justice for what the babysitter had done, so that derailed my plans.

And maybe that was a good thing in a way.

See, I had fallen into the same trap that most of society has fallen into and that is there were only two genders. If you’re not a male, then you have to be a female, and vice-verse.

As a kid I had always wanted breasts. I was so certain that I was going to develop like the other girls, but that never happened.

I was around 12 when I realized that I wasn’t going to develop breasts. And I was fucking devastated.

I had always felt that my hips should have been larger, but they never grew out.

And on top of that I had Captain Totzke drilling into my head that I was a “homosexual”. Which wasn’t clearly explained to me what that entailed, but it was bad apparently.

So, I never really knew what I was.

Didn’t enjoy relationships with women, but I didn’t enjoy relationships with men either.

So………….

After having been kicked and beat by the Canadian Forces since 2011, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect.

And reflect I have.

I don’t identify as anything.

I’m not male.

I’m not female.

Not gay.

Not straight.

I’m nothing.

And I’m cool with that.

So, I’m going for an appointment with my physician in April.

Even though I don’t identify as a woman, doesn’t mean that I can’t have breasts.

Breasts will work nicely with my wardrobe.

And as I’ve said, I’ve always felt like I should have had breasts.

I’m pretty sure that I will enjoy having breasts.

Hips?

Nope, not at this stage of life. My pelvis has been exposed to androgens for too long.

The junk I was born with?

Never have liked it, it’s always felt like it never belonged down there.

What do I plan to do?

Well, the first thing will be to start on anti-androgens and then start on a estrogen.

Due to my age I more than likely won’t be able to oral estrogen, I’ll more than likely have to stay with dermal patches.

The nice thing about going on estrogen is it will reduce my muscle mass. My body has always felt foreign to me. The mental image that I have of my body is much smaller than what my physical body actually is. My body has always felt like it belonged to someone else.

If the anti-androgens and the estrogen have the effects that I desire, then I intend to go for orchiectomy. That is I intend to have my testicles removed. Castration basically. Absolutely no more androgen production.

And then a penectomy. That is, the complete removal of my penis.

But no, there will be no vaginoplasty. I got fucked enough as a kid, I don’t need anymore penises inside of my body. Besides, as I said, I don’t truly identify as female. It’s just I don’t identify as male.

And I want to get rid of my male junk.

How will I pee? Good that you asked.

Same way that guys who have had penectomies due to cancer urinate. My urethra will be connected to a new opening and I’ll urinate through that.

What will I look like? A Ken doll…….with a scar.

Isn’t that a bit drastic?

No.

As I’ve said, I have always despised the junk between my legs. It’s always felt like a punishment.

So, I get to get rid of it finally AND I get to have the breasts that I always wanted.

In 2008, just after I legally changed my name, I sent my father a letter explaining why I had changed my name. I was very clear with Richard this was something that I wanted to do and that he was losing a son that he didn’t want and was gaining a daughter that he wouldn’t have wanted either.

I guess this is why he told the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service in 2011 that he knew that I had changed my name, but that he didn’t know why I had changed my name.

He knew why I changed my name. I guess that having a homosexual son was bad enough, but now having a gender non-conforming son was even worse.

I had called him during the 2011 CFNIS investigation. I asked him for help with the investigation. Not once did he return any of my calls. And he plunged the proverbial knife into my back in 2011 when he gave his statement to the CFNIS in 2011 in which he denied the babysitter looked after my brother and I and in which he denied that grandma was raising my brother an I on CFB Namao.

So yeah, I guess his gender non-conforming son was an insult that he wasn’t willing to wear.

I do wish that he was still alive.

Just so that he could see me in my dresses, with my breasts…….. that would have been priceless.

But Bobbie, you have no hair!

Yep, that’s cool. There are a ton of awesome looking bald women. With tattoos to boot. In fact, the reason that I started shaving my head back in 1990 was Sinead O’Connor. She looked powerful with her 0 buzzcut.

One thing that I do wonder about, what would things have been like had I come out as gender-queer and gender non-conforming on a Canadian Armed Forces base when I was a kid back in the ’80s?

Sure, the civilian world wasn’t that too receptive yet, but the civilian world was far more accepting than a Canadian military base would have been.

Would I have survived?

Or would I have quietly disappeared either at the hands of my own father or at the hands of another member of the Canadian Forces disgusted by a person like me being “out” on the base.

If I had told my father or even Captain Terry Totzke between 1980 and 1987 that I identified as a female, I think I would have encountered a tragic conclusion.

Anyways, enough about the past, I’m looking forward to my April appointment.

30 years is a long time………..

I was told by both the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service and Alberta Crown Prosecutor Jon Weribicki that 30 years was just too long of a time for me to expect any charges to be brought against the babysitter. In fact Mr. Weribicki hinted that I was the master of my own misfortune as I waited so long to tell anyone, something that he considered to be “very significant”.

Well, recently there were two stories about men having been arrested recently for having molested children in the ’80s and ’90s.

When I sent my email to the Edmonton Police Service in March of 2011, that was almost 31 years after the events from CFB Namao came to a crashing end with me having been caught with the 14-3/4 year old babysitter’s penis in my 8 year old asshole.

I wonder if it had more to do with either the incompetence of the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service or the desire to hide secrets that kept the CFNIS from laying charges. Two retired Supreme Court justices, Madame Marie Deschamps, and Mrs. Louise Arbour have called the military police, including the CFNIS incompetent when it comes to sexual assaults.

In fact, it was Louise Arbour who pushed the Minister of National Defence to hand over all sexual assault investigations to the civilian police effective immediately. However, mine was one of 31 sexual assault investigations that the CFNIS were allowed to keep.

If you pay attention to the media you’ll notice that it’s not uncommon to hear about arrests and prosecutions for child sexual assaults that occurred in the ’60s, ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s.

Yet, even though the CFNIS in 2011 had the 1980 CFSIU investigation paperwork and the 1980 Court Martial transcripts which indicated that it was my babysitter’s known abuse of younger children on the base which led to the investigation of Captain Father Angus McRae, the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service in 2011 just couldn’t find any evidence to indicate that the babysitter was capable of doing what I accused him of.

If you ask me, the inability of the CFNIS had nothing to do with the inability of me to make my case. It had more to do with the Canadian Armed Forces not wanting to have to answer questions in the modern day for fuck-ups from the past.

Fuck-ups like:

Why were commanding officers like Colonel Daniel Edward Munro given the power to decide the charges brough against their subordinates.
Why were commanding officers like Colonel Daniel Edward Munro allowed to determine the scope and depth of military police and CFSIU investigations
Why weren’t the Royal Canadian Mounted Police brought in to deal with the babysitter who close to 15 years of age when he was discovered buggering me.
How many other former military dependents from CFB Namao who were molested by the babysitter and by Canadian Armed Forces officer Captain Father Angus McRae came forward over the years with complaints about sexual abuse.
The three-year-time-bar and the summary-investigation-flaw. Yes, the Canadian Armed Forces yammer on about these flaws only applying to service offences, but don’t forget Captain McRae was given a court martial in 1980 for molesting the babysitter. Corporal Donald Joseph Sullivan was given a courts martial in 1984 for molesting kids on CFB Gagetown. So yes, the 3-year-time-bar and the summary-investigation-flaw do apply to child sexual abuse matters.

Anyways, I’ve got other things on my plate coming up. The Canadian News Media has all but given up on this story. I don’t think that the Canadian public will ever know the truth about the child sexual abuse that occurred on the bases in Canada, nor the homophobia and victim blaming that abused children endured on the bases.

BCHRT Update

In 2015 the Supreme Court of Canada issued its decision in the CARTER matter.
The Supreme Court of Canada said this:
“of no force or effect to the extent that they prohibit physician-assisted death for a competent adult person who (1) clearly consents to the termination of life and (2) has a grievous and irremediable medical condition (including an illness, disease or disability) that causes enduring suffering that is intolerable to the individual in the circumstances of his or her condition.”

The Government of Canada agreed with this decision and prmossied to introduce legislation to allow competent adults suffering from Mental Illness to receive assistance in having their lives terminated.

It’s now 11 years after the decision, and the Government of Canada still insists on denying me the right to end my life with the assitance of a trained professional. The Government of Canada has just added an additional 3 years of suffering to my life. And there’s no indication that in 2027 the Government will finlly allow me to obtain the peace that I desire.

The BCHRT

So, missed work again today.

Just couldn’t muster enough strength or energy to get out of bed.

I did manage though to file a complaint against the Federal Government for their faiure to provide Medical Assistance in Dying to persons suffering from mental illness.

I specifically named Justin Trudeau, Mark Holland, and Arif Virani. Justin Trudeau is the head of the Canadian Government. Mark Holland is the Minister of Health, and Arif Virani is the Minister of Health.

Some may say “Bobbie, isn’t this a bit harsh? They’re only looking out for Canadians”.

No, they’re playing politics.

They’re putting the electability of their party ahead of the needs of persons suffering from mental illness.

Canadian society turns a blind eye to the number of easily prevented deaths on the public streets in the name of car driver convienience. Mandaroty GPS based speed limiters and a 20 km/h blanket speed limit in any municipal area would cut the amount of deaths on the public streets by at least 3/4.

Canadian society turns a blind eye to the ever increasing death toll from illicit drugs because the law ‘n’ order crowd says it must be so.

I no longer want to be burdened by brain crushing depression, anxiety, and never ending memories of the abuse, neglect, and degredation of my childhood and the bible thumpers jump up and down that suffering is good for the human soul and that their imaginary friend would be sad if I died.

On the complaint submission the form asks what you expect to see as a resolution. I basically said that until legislation is introduced to formally enshrine the rights of Canadians to die by M.A.i.D., the Justice Minister and the Health Minister should be required on a case by case basis to review applications for M.A.i.D. and either approve or deny the applications on a case by case basis.

Anyways, it will be intereting to see what happens with this. I’m sure that the government has some sort of legal immunity to having to respond to the BCHRT.