Canadian Armed Forces

A potential road block.

I’m already not liking some of the “safe guards” that seem to be in place. See, as MAiD was never legalized for mental health issues agencies such as Vancouver Coastal Health were never able to give me any information on MAiD for reasons of mental health.

They could give me all of the information I needed to understand the procedure such as where I could undergo the procedure. The drugs involved with the procedure. What I would potentially feel during the procedure. And what would happen to my body after the procedure.

But what they could never give me information on was how a person with mental illness would apply to the program.

So when Canadian Senator states that “People who request & receive approval for MAID MD-SUMC will have received a substantial amount of different kinds of mental health care for a long time and found that nothing could alleviate their intolerable suffering.” this causes me great concern.

In the aftermath of being sexually abused on Canadian Forces Base Namao for 1-1/2 years I was placed into the care of Canadian Armed Forces social worker Captain Terry Totzke.

In November of 1980 I was diagnosed as suffering from major depression, severe anxiety, haphephobia. It was noted that I was terrified of being killed by my father.

Yet, I never received help with these issues.

Instead Captain Totzke was adamant that I had a mental illness called “homosexuality”. I receive 2-1/2 years of conversion therapy for this “illness”.

Even when Alberta Social Services were called in to deal with my brother and I, Captain Totzke still wouldn’t allow me to receive treatment for my issues.

Even when my issues had become so bad that my civilian social workers said that I required immediate psychiatric institutionalization, Captain Totzke wouldn’t comply.

At home, things were not good. My father had a very hair trigger temper. And if Captain Totzke told master corporal Gill that his son’s only problem is that he’s a homosexual, you can imagine that Richard wasn’t too concerned about my issues.

In fact, Richard’s response to my depression and my anxiety or even my haphephobia was a back hand, a slap, the belt, no supper, etc.

In April of 1983 we suddenly, and without warning, moved from Canadian Forces Base Griesbach in Edmonton to Canadian Forces Base Downsview in Toronto. At the time my father told me that we were moving because the counsellors wanted to give me drugs to help me stop being sexually attracted to other boys. I would learn in 2011 that the actual truth was Captain Totzke was helping my father flee the jurisdiction of Alberta as Alberta Social Services wanted to remove me from the home and place me into either foster care or residential care.

I suffered my entire life from the demons of depression, anxiety, as well as gender and orientation issues.

I never sought help with these issues as my father and Captain Totzke had both drilled into my head that I was a homosexual and that I just loved to seek attention and that’s why I was acting the way I did.

It wouldn’t be until August of 2011 that I had discovered the truth. The truth that I had been unfairly blamed for what had occurred on Canadian Forces Base Namao and that I had suffered with major depression, severe anxiety, haphephobia, and a plethora of other mental health issues.

It’s not my fault that I never received treatment.

It’s not my fault that I never sought treatment.

Even when I became aware of these issues in August of 2011 whenever I tried to seek treatment counsellors were very confused as to why I had a military social worker and why my father never got me treatment.

I am hoping that in the end that bypasses are put into the M.A.i.D. legislation that allow for extenuating circumstances to be taken into consideration. I would really hate to be told that I don’t deserve to undergo M.A.i.D. due to the decisions that the Canadian Forces chain of command made when I was 8 years old.

Our institutions are hopelessly fucking broken.

After my disastrous dealings with Warrant Officer Blair Hart in July of 2011, and at the urging of two different retired Judge Advocate Generals, I tried to enlist the help of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police service.

It was up to this point in my life that I had believed that the “outside civilian police” that were required to deal with the babysitter from CFB Namao was the Edmonton Police Service.

It was the two ex-JAGs that I spoke with that corrected me and told me that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police are the outside civilian police force that is supposed to investigate matters on base that solely involve civilians such as myself and the babysitter.

In this case it would be the RCMP in Morinville, Alberta that were the RCMP detachment responsible for investigating civilian matters on Canadian Forces Base Namao.

I contacted the RCMP in Morinville and I was put in contact with corporal French.

Corporal French took my information down, but nothing seemed to go anywhere.

A little while later I had filed an Access to Information Request with the RCMP in which I was looking specifically for information related to May through July of 1980 and any involvement that the RCMP may have had with the Canadian Forces over the mater of Captain McRae and his teenaged accomplice.

Well, I received something that I would have never imagined. I received the incident report written by corporal French in which he notes that he had a conversation with Warrant Officer Blair Hart.

CFNIS member Warrant officer Blair Hart told RCMP corporal French, and this is ahead of the CFNIS contacting ANY of the witnesses or other victims, that the investigation into my complaint “was unlikely to go anywhere as a result of a lack of evidence”.

This was basically what Warrant Officer Blair Hart told me on July 18th, 2011. The CFNIS was apparently having trouble verifying the details of my complaint against PS. As we now know, the CFNIS knew what PS had done in 1980 as the CFNIS in 2011 had the CFSIU investigation paperwork and the court martial transcripts.

Anyways, corporal French wrote this in his notes:

Wow……. an “agenda”.

According to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, wanting to receive acknowledgement and justice for the hell I had been through on Canadian Forces Base Namao and Canadian Forces Base Griesbach was an “agenda”.

I made a complaint to the RCMP Complaints Commission.

The investigation of my complaint was conducted by Const Robb. Const Robb is what every RCMP officer should strive to be.

After I obtained a copy of Canadian Forces Administrative Order CFAO 2120-4-0 which stated that the CFNIS are always supposed to hand off any investigation solely involving civilians to the outside civilian police force having jurisdiction I started off another round of letter to RCMP “K” Division.

This ended up with another complaint to the RCMP complaints commission in 2017

Excerpt from Canadian Forces Administrative Order CFAO 2120-4-0

The reason that the civilian police are supposed to investigate matters involving only civilians is that civilian victims are unable to receive victim services and other help from the Canadian Armed Forces.

We now know why the CFNIS was so hellbent to retain ownership of the investigation into PS. They had all the paperwork from 1980 and knew all of the sordid details of what occurred on the base. They had first hand proof that PS was committing the types of crimes that I had accused him of, and it was this abuse of young children living on Canadian Forces Base Namao that started the investigation into Captain Father Angus McRae.

And from my complaints against the RCMP I now understand that the RCMP operate under the “Vampire Doctrine”.

In mythology related to Vampires, a vampire cannot cross the threshold of an entryway unless it is invited to enter.

And it appears that the RCMP, even though they are full well aware of just exactly how incompetent and compromised the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service are, cannot investigate child sexual abuse matters which occur on Canadian Forces Bases in Canada unless the incompetent and compromised military police force conducting the investigation that they’re not supposed to be conducting invites the civilian police force in.

RCMP officer awaiting invitation from CFNIS

Remember, even the MPCC in their 2020 final report noted that someone on CFB Namao made the decision back in 1980 during the investigation of Captain McRae to not call the RCMP in to deal with the babysitter.

People often wonder why I have very little faith in organizations like the Canadian Armed Forces and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

The CFNIS are immune to criticism by the fact that they are isolated from the Canadian public via the military institution that they are contained within.

The CFNIS get away with what they get away with because they control the agency tasked with resolving complaints brought against them, the Military Police Complaints Commission. It is the Department of National Defence that basically set the operating parameters of the MPCC owing to the “unique circumstances” that the CFNIS operate under and how applying civilian rules may expose military operations to outside scrutiny which might jeopardize military operations.

The Canadian Forces chain of command and DND hierarchy will not hold the CFNIS accountable as they fear that this will call the entire military structure into question.

And being questioned is not something the military appreciates.

The RCMP have had scandal after scandal after scandal.

It’s like they haven’t learnt a single goddamn thing from the McDonald Report. It’s almost as if the RCMP hierarchy enjoy giving the collective Canadian public an enormous middle finger.

We had the RCMP outright lie to the Canadian Public over the unwarranted killing of Robert Dziekanski at VYR Airport which resulted in the RCMP spokesperson committing suicide for having conveyed the lies.

The RCMP tried to induce two heroin junkies into bombing the BC Legislature. I kid you not. This was a fucking farce beyond all epic proportions.

John Nuttal and Amanda Korody had become ensnared in an RCMP sting, and no one can figure out how as the RCMP haven’t exactly been truthful on this matter.

But these two were barely functional. John had plans of swimming up to an American nuclear submarine in the Georgia Straight and knocking on the hatch, and when someone opened the hatch, he was going to burst in and hijack the American nuclear submarine.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/jul/29/canadian-couple-freed-police-entrapment-canada-day-bomb-plot

The absolutely fucking worthless CFNIS can’t investigate their way out of a wide open field on a sunny afternoon.

The RCMP don’t care about solving crimes unless they can entrap people in the crime.

Investigate child sexual abuse that the Canadian Armed Forces have kept buried for ages?

Fuck no!

Get two heroin junkies, one of who wants to swim to America and hijack an American nuclear submarine by simply knocking on the “hatch”, to “bomb” the legislature?

Sure, why the fuck not?

Lots of overtime and travel expenses to be made on this one.

And we get to be heroes!

And of course our spineless politicians in this country won’t do sweet fuck all to fix anything. They don’t want to be seen as “attacking” or “disrespecting” the protectors of our society no matter how badly these “protectors” need a swift kick in the fucking arse.

If you can’t protect children living on a secure Defence Establishment from being sexually abused by a fucking employee of the Department of National Defence, shouldn’t you at least do what you can to ensure that these sexually abused children receive justice, and if not justice, at least acknowledgement and help?

Winners and Losers

“Bobbie, it looks like you’ve done it, it looks like you’re winning!”

Nope.

The one thing that I can assure you is that there will be no winners in this matter.

Everyone associated with this matter is a loser in the sense that they’ve lost.

40 years of enduring a lifetime of self doubt and self hatred and untreated mental illnesses doesn’t suddenly disappear the instant that the Government decides to consider offering compensation to the former child victims that were denied justice and proper medical attention all those years ago.

I along with most of the other childhood victims of Captain McRae and his teenage accomplice PS lost our childhoods and our innocence on Canadian Forces Base Namao.

Some of us lost our sanity and our identities when we were dealt with by the military social workers.

Some of us lost our families when the military’s attitude towards the victims of sexual assault was unleashed within the walls of the PMQs that we lived in on base.

Some of us lost our lives through suicide. Some of us are still yet to lose our lives through Medical Assistance in Dying.

We, the numerous victims of Captain McRae and his teenage accomplice, have all collectively lost our ability to ever receive justice in this matter due to nothing more than decisions made at National Defence Head Quarters in Ottawa.

Current and former members of the Canadian Armed Forces, if they have any integrity, will have lost respect for the Canadian Armed Forces knowing that the Canadian Armed Forces actively and intentionally denied justice to victims of child sexual abuse.

Current and former members of the Canadian Armed Forces who became involved with this matter and carried out the desire by the Brass at National Defence Head Quarters to keep this matter hidden in the past have lost any claim of integrity that they once may have had.

Retired members of the Canadian Armed Forces who have enjoyed a retired life of accolades for a service well rendered have lost any respect they may have had over their involvement with the Captain Father Angus McRae child sexual abuse scandal in 1980.

Captain McRae’s accomplice, PS, has lost his designation as Captain McRae’s sole victim and has lost his ability to claim to have been an “innocent angel”.

The Canadian Forces National Investigation Service has lost any pretence of integrity that it may have had when it tried so desperately to portray the victims of Captain McRae and McRae’s teenage accomplice as”money grubbing” “societal malcontents with axes to grind against the military” contrary to the contents of documents already in the possession of the CFNIS during the time of the investigation.

The Provost Marshal lost any claim to impartiality that it had when it refused to release the 1980 CFSIU DS-120-10-80 investigation paperwork to the Military Police Complaints Commission in 2012 when I made my complaint against the CFNIS for a substandard investigation in 2011.

The Office of the Canadian Forces Ombudsman has lost any claim to relevance it had when it outright refused to conduct an inquiry into the handling of Child Sexual Abuse investigations by the Provost Marshal and the CFNIS while knowing full well that the CFNIS was found to be completely unable to conduct any manner of sexual assault investigation by two independent retired Supreme Court of Canada justices.

The Office of the Minister of National Defence has lost any claim to integrity that it may have once had when it allowed the personal opinions of the individual Ministers to cast doubt upon the veracity and integrity of the victims of military child sexual abuse.

Everybody is a loser in this matter.

Some have lost more than others.

Some will still lose even more.

Regardless, absolutely no one has won in this matter.

The Acts are stacked Against Us.

It’s hard enough in the civilian world for sexually abused children to obtain justice.

In the military world, it’s almost impossible.

In the civilian world, it’s almost impossible for a perpetrator or a perpetrator’s employer to have influence over the police, the prosecutor, or the judiciary.

In the military world, especially in the days of the pre-1998 National Defence Act, the perpetrator’s employer could have direct influence over the police, and the judiciary.

Because of the chain of command and the military hierarchy, it is completely possible for the chain of command to have undue and irresponsible influence over any investigation undertaken by the military police, the CFSIU, or the CFNIS.

This was an established fact that led to the crafting of Bill C-25 which made some very serious changes to the National Defence Act in 1998.

The National Defence Act both pre and post 1998 states that every person subject to the Code of Service Discipline shall obey the lawful commands of their superior.

So first, a superior isn’t limited to their immediate chain of command. A superior is anyone with a superior rank who has the authority to issue lawful commands

Lawful is an interesting word choice. Lawful does not equate with legal.

Lawful and legal are two completely different concepts.

Lawful just means that the superior has the authority to issue a command. Lawful does not ensure that this command is legal and that by following this lawful command the subordinate is not placing themselves in a position of violating the Criminal Code of Canada.

There have been many court martial tribunals both in Canada and in the United States in which it has been argued that it is unfair for a subordinate to be expected to disobey an illegal lawful command if the subordinate is not given access to a legal officer to review the lawful command to see if it is an illegal command.

According to the Military Police Complaints Commission in 2020, someone in 1980 made the decision to not call the RCMP in to deal with the babysitter because someone believed the babysitter to be only 12 or 13 years old in May of 1980.

The babysitter has been confirmed from various sources as having been born on June 20th, 1965. When the babysitter was interviewed in May of 1980 by the CFSIU he would have been 14 years and 10 months old.

This also proves that the CFNIS had the CFSIU investigation paperwork as early as March of 2011 as when master corporal Christian Cyr called me on May 3rd, 2011, he repeated this same “error”, that the babysitter was only 12 or 13 when he was caught buggering me.

The CFNIS in 2011 had no excuse for going with what the CFSIU investigation paperwork stated for the babysitter’s age as the CFNIS in 2011 had access to the babysitter’s Canadian Police Information Centre “CPIC” file which listed all of the dates of his charges and his convections. This CPIC file would have also clearly stated his Date of Birth D.O.B..

In 1980, the babysitter’s birthdate would have easily been obtainable from Guthrie School. Guthrie School was the school on base for children of military families and it was run by the Canadian Armed Forces as were all the other schools for children of military families on bases across Canada.

There is also another place where the babysitter’s date of birth would have been obtainable. Birth records of all military dependents are deposited into their serving parent service file.

So, someone with authority made the decision to not turn the babysitter over to the RCMP.

Why?

In the lead up to the Court Martial of Captain McRae the decision was made to move the entire court martial “In Camera”. This caused outrage in the media at the time. But I can promise you that the Canadian Armed Forces and the Department of National Defence were not going to allow the Canadian public to learn that Captain McRae and his teenage accomplice had molested 25 children, if not more, on a secure defence establishment.

The Canadian Forces couldn’t do bugger all had the babysitter gone to Juvenile Court. And yes, the media were allowed to report on juvenile cases back then with the courts usually ordering the press not to divulge the juvenile’s name or anything that could potentially identify the juvenile. The Canadian Forces would have had to throw around a lot of weight to get a civilian juvenile court judge to throw a publication ban over the trial.

Also, under the juvenile delinquents act, the adult who contributed to the delinquency of a minor could be found guilty by summary conviction in the juvenile court system. This would have meant that the Canadian Forces throwing a “veil of secrecy” over Captain McRae’s military court martial could have been all for naught as his exploits would have been made public by juvenile court.

The Somalia Report and supporting documents indicated that back in the pre-1998 days, Base Commanders could often interfere with investigations due to their rank and due to the fact that the military police were contained within the local chain of command.

My father, and just about everyone else on that base were subordinate to Colonel Munro.

Now, one thing that you’ll hear in the modern day is how when the military police or the CFNIS want to lay charges related to Criminal Code offences, they need to get the approval of a Crown Prosecutor.

This is not how it worked prior to 1998.

Prior to 1998, it was the military police or the CFSIU that laid charges.

The military police or the CFSIU were then required to present these charges to the commanding officer of the accused.

In the case of Captain Father Angus McRae the Canadian Forces have confirmed that Colonel Daniel Edward Munro, base commander of CFB Namao, was Captain McRae’s direct superior.

Colonel Munro would have then been required to conduct a summary investigation to determine if the charges brought against Captain McRae would proceed to summary trial, military tribunal, or civilian tribunal. Colonel Munro would have also had the full authority to drop these charges if he so desired. Or Colonel Munro could drop some charges while allowing other charges to proceed.

And once dropped, these charges or similar charges arising out of the same facts could never be brought against Captain McRae again at a later date.

As the Somalia Inquiry found, these commanding officers had no legal training and were not peace officers, but had the full authority under the National Defence Act to dismiss charges that they wouldn’t have even had the authority to conduct a summary trial for.

The three year time bar is another hurdle. Recently I was told by a CFNIS investigator who had investigated “the man in the sauna” that if the CFNIS ever discover the identity of the “man in the sauna” that the babysitter provided me to for the purposes of oral sex, the CFNIS will be able to prosecute this man in civilian court.

That’s not true though.

Just as the man in the sauna would have to be charged with Criminal Code offences as they were in 1980. The man from the sauna would also enjoy all of the legal protections that he had back in 1980.

Captain McRae was given a court martial for Gross Indecency, Indecent Assault, and Buggery.

These charges were reviewed by his commanding officer, Colonel Dan Munro.

Even though I would have been to young at age 8 to have been able to consent to the oral sex I performed on the man, and even though the Supreme Court of Canada, as discussed in Corporal Donal Joseph Sullivan vs. Regina, stated that the military could only conduct a court martial if the victim was over the age of 14 when consent was a possibility, the fact of the matter is the military police or the CFSIU would have had to submit the findings of their investigation to the Commanding Officer of the accused.

In 1998 when Bill C-25 removed the requirement for commanding officers to conduct summary investigations AFTER the military police or the CFSIU laid charges against the commanding officer’s subordinate, that’s all it did. Bill C-25 simply removed the requirement for a summary investigation. It did nothing to retro-actively remove this requirement.

And this poses a very significant problem. The command structure as it existed in 1980 no longer exists.

Persons who were subject to the Code of Service discipline at the time of the offence remain liable to be charged with Code of Service Discipline offences committed during their service even after they leave the military.

If the man in the sauna is discovered tomorrow, how will the military charge him? Nothing prevents the CFNIS or the base military police from conducting investigations into child sexual abuse matters. But who is going to approve charges brought against the former member?

Prior to 1998 the military police or the CFSIU didn’t take Code of Service Discipline charges to the Provincial Crowns for approval. These charges flowed to the commanding officer. After 1998 charges can go two ways. One is to the Military Prosecutor that didn’t exist prior to 1998. The other is to the Provincial Crown.

But you can’t apply this to Code of Service Discipline charges prior to 1998. Sure, you hear stories all the time of cases in civilian court where a civilian teacher, or a civilian priest from 1956 or 1966 gets sentenced to jail for sexual abuse of children. But these people are civilians. Civilians were never subject to the Code of Service Discipline, nor were their employers / supervisors required to approve charges brought against their employee.

Another issue that prevents the laying of charges for offences that occurred prior to 1998 is the 3-year-time-bar.

Even if the CFNIS do manage to figure out who the man in the sauna was that I gave a blow job to when I was 8 years old, more than three years have elapsed.

Section 59(2) of the 1970 National Defence Act states ” no person is liable to be tried by a service tribunal unless his trial begins before the expiration of a period of 3 years from the day upon which the service offence was alleged to have been convinced.

Section 120(1) of the 1970 National Defence Act enumerated ALL criminal code offences as service offences.

Section 120(2) allowed the Canadian Forces to apply minimum penalties based upon what the Criminal Code of Canada would call for.

Section 134(a) allows any military police officer to arrest anyone subject to the Code of Service Discipline WITHOUT WARRANT who is subject to the Code of Service Discipline who has committed, is found committing, is suspected of being about to commit, or is suspected of or charged with having committed a service offence.

Section 140 of the 1970 National Defence Act calls for a Commanding Officer to conduct a summary investigation AFTER the laying of charges. The Commanding officer shall either cause the charge to proceed, or shall dismiss the charges.

Section 140 would have to be undertaken before the charges could proceed to Summary Trial, Court Martial, or Civilian Tribunal.

So, here’s the problem for the modern day prosecution of child sexual abuse which occurred on Canadian Armed Forces bases prior to 1998.

The military police in 1980, had they arrested the man in the sauna would have laid charges against him.

The military police would have been required to present these charges to the commanding officer of the accused.

Now, even though the commanding officer of the accused would not have been able to conduct a summary trial for the charges related to sexual offences committed against a child under the age of consent, and even though a court martial would have been precluded for trying these charges, nothing would have stopped the commanding officer from dismissing these charges and replacing them with charges that the commanding officer or a court martial could conduct a trial for.

And I think this is what keeps the Canadian Forces from successfully prosecuting for historical child sexual abuse which occurred prior to 1998.

This would be one hell of a massive Charter Challenge by the accused.

If the accused had been arrested back in 1980 and charged with receiving oral sex from me, under the National Defence Act he had the legal right to make a plea to his commanding officer.

That avenue does not exist today.

So even though the law allows for the man in the sauna to be charged in the modern day with 1980 criminal code offences that he committed back in May to June of 1980 he wouldn’t be allowed to enjoy the legal protections that the National Defence Act would have allowed him to enjoy back in 1980.

And I can’t help but wonder if this is why you don’t hear of any modern day military or civilian tribunals for service offences which occurred prior to 1998.

I would imagine that anyone who committed a service offence prior to 1998, and is charged in the modern day with having committed that service offence prior to 1998, would simply raise the argument in court that it is unfair to try them by modern laws and practices when the laws and practices at the time of the offence would have allowed them to plead with their commanding officer for leniency or forgiveness, which the commanding officer had the full authority to offer.

The effects of military child sexual abuse

One thing that has often come up is “Bobbie, why didn’t you tell someone”

The thing is, I didn’t have to tell anyone.

All of the people in positions of authority knew.

Captain Terry Totzke knew.

My father knew.

Base Commander Colonel Daniel Edward Munro knew.

Base Security officer Captain David Pilling knew.

The office of the Judge Advocate General knew.

Everyone knew.

What was I supposed to do?

Some may argue that I need to forgive my father. Sure, he was only a master corporal. But the silly fucker could have grown a pair of balls even if that meant leaving the Canadian Armed Forces.

But he didn’t.

Instead, I received 2-1/2 years of punishment / conversion therapy at the hands of Captain Terry Totzke. So, in my matter it wasn’t that no one knew. Everyone knew. And people who had the ability to make things better for me instead punished me.

How many other male military dependents from Canadian Forces Base Namao received the same treatment that I did. How many male military dependents from the other bases that Captain Angus McRae was stationed at received the same treatment that I received on Canadian Forces Base Namao?

This is important as even my lawyer indicates that the shame of male sexual abuse may prevent other victims of Captain McRae and his “agents” from coming forward.

How many other victims have come forward over the years only to have their matters dismissed by the military police due to flaws in the National Defence Act that would make it impossible to lay charges in the modern day for any act that occurred prior to 1998?

How many other victims tried to come forward over the years but had no support from their parents who were serving members of the Canadian Forces at the time of the abuse due to their serving parent’s fear of violating the Security of Information Act and the Official Secrets Act that both prohibit anyone who became aware of “information” on a Defence Establishment while they were subject to the Code of Service Discipline from ever disclosing that information.

Member of the Canadian Armed Forces are subject to the Security of Information Act and the Official Secrets Act for life.

And the Official Secrets Act and the Security of Information Act don’t specify what this “information” is. Those act just state “any information”.

Top Secret? Doesn’t say.

Classified? Doesn’t say.

Nor do these acts make exceptions for criminal investigations.

And there’s also the spectre that serving parents in the Canadian Forces were promised favours in trade for their silence and for not making a fuss.

Might explain how Richard came to forget about the existence of his own mother when he gave a statement to the CFNIS in 2011. But then again, the CFNIS never re-interviewed me for clarification about grandma or what home life was like in 1978 through 1980 after Richard gave them his very revised and edited version of home in July of 2011.

Two options about Richard’s statement.

(a) – He lied to the CFNIS in 2011 because in May to June of 1980 he took favours from the Canadian Forces in trade for him not making a fuss out of the events on CFB Namao.

(b) – The CFNIS reminded him that he was still bound by the Official Secrets Act or the Security of Information Act and that he should think very carefully before discussing any information that was directly related to the Canadian Forces and events on Canadian Forces Base Namao.

And if Richard lied about CFB Namao, how many other former members of the Canadian Armed Forces have lied in order to cover up their complicity in their own children having been sexually abused on a Department of National Defence / Canadian Armed Forces military base?

There is no way that I am the only one who suffered through this shit.

March 17, 2023

March 17th 2023 was supposed to be the date that Medical Assistance in Dying became legal in Canada for those suffering from mental health issues.

I had already booked the weeks of March 20th and March 27th off.

I had already booked my appointment for March 21st with my family doctor to make my official request for Medical Assistance in Dying.

I booked additional time off from work as I theorized that I would probably require some time to acclimatize to my decision. After all, wanting to die and actually making concrete plans to die are two separate things.

Sadly, the religious nutcases in this country evoked nightmares of disabled people being hauled off to Cambodian style killing fields.

And of course our milquetoast politicians caved.

That’s to be expected seeing as how the right wing in this country are having their puppet strings yanked and manipulated by the MAGAt evangelical crowd south of the border where their imaginary friend gets off on pain and suffering.

Anyways, in the meantime I’ve got to deal with an additional year on this planet.

I asked my lawyers recently if as part of the pending class action settlement that language be added into the settlement that would request the Attorney General make exceptions to the current M.A.i.D. legislation that would allow me to obtain M.A.i.D. without having to wait for the government to grow a pair and legalize M.A.i.D. for reasons of mental health.

They both said that this couldn’t be added in to the class action as it would have to apply to all members of the settlement and that this more than likely wouldn’t be something that the courts would entertain.

One of my lawyers suggested that I might want to look at other options to obtain M.A.i.D. via tests and screenings to see if any type of cancer or other potentially fatal medical condition is currently manifesting itself in my body.

My father apparently died of cancer. My father’s brother died of heart disease. My paternal grandmother died of heart disease as well. My mother has had numerous aneurysms. My maternal grandfather died of a heart attack. I’ve had two cardiac issues and no one was able to figure out what caused them.

So, when I go to my doctor on the 21st, even though I can’t officially request M.A.i.D. as we had both agreed at a prior visit, I will mention the suggestion of my lawyer to my doctor to see if he’s game for this.

Either way, I’ve got a train trip coming up.

No. Not that type of train trip.

On the 24th I’m boarding a VIA train for an 8 day round trip to and back from Toronto.

This was one of those “bucket list” things I had started planning out last year. There’s a few things I wanna do before I go. And things like trips are something that I want to experience.

I know it sounds silly, but with the exception of a few trips to Seattle, I’ve never been outside of Canada. I’ve lived in Vancouver for 30 years now and I’ve been to Seattle maybe 6 times in all that time.

And even within Canada, the only time I traveled anywhere in Canada was when I went to Ottawa to do some research at Library and Archives Canada. I also stopped out in Halifax, Nova Scotia. I was born there, but other than popping out into the world in Halifax, I have no connection to Halifax as my birth in Halifax was an accident of birth. I could have been born in any hospital next to a Canadian Armed Forces base and that would have been my “home town”.

Travelling was never something my father did with us when we were kids. The one time we went to Banff when my father was stationed at Canadian Forces Base Griesbach was not very pleasant as Richard wasn’t the kind of person who could just chill and fucking relax on a vacation.

When we lived on Canadian Forces Base Downsview in Ontario, Richard took us for a weekend trip up to Sue’s brother’s cottage on Georgian Bay. Again, not a fun weekend. Fun and fuckery were not words in Richard’s vocabulary. The only word that Richard knew that was even remotely related to “fun” was dys’fun’ctional.

So, I never developed the travel bug.

Never learnt how to go on vacation and just relax.

So, this train ride should prove interesting. 4 days to Toronto. I spend one night in Toronto. And then it’s 4 days back to Vancouver.

Didn’t book a private room. I got a sleeping berth. The car has showers. All meals provided. Access to the observation car, the coach car, and the dining car.

Why did I pick the train? Why not. As I’ve said I don’t do vacations. For me the travelling part is more entertaining than the journey.

Taking Amtrak back and forth between Seattle and Vancouver is enjoyable. When I go to Seattle there’s only a few places that I like to go. Other than that I skip all of the tourist traps. I don’t think that I could ever go somewhere to go to tourist traps.

When I go to Iceland this summer it’s so that I can see for myself what was so appealing about Iceland that Richard left my brother and I alone while he fucked off with the Canadian Armed Forces to Iceland in July of 1978. Other than that it’s a big expansive island. And it’s the summer solstice. So being that far north on the longest day of the year should prove to be interesting. The only interesting thing that I know of Iceland is that the island is made up from two separate continents crushing together. There’s apparently a fissure that splits the island in two.

Finding all of McRae’s victims.

One of the matters that help the Canadian Armed Forces and the Department of National Defence in this matter is the difficulty in tracking down all of the victims of McRae and the babysitter.

Captain McRae was on Canadian Forces Base Kingston, Canadian Forces Base Portage La Prairie, Canadian Forces Station Holberg, and finally Canadian Forces Base Namao.

Captain McRae spent about 2 years on each defence establishment.

In each of those two year periods it would be very difficult to guesstimate how many children McRae had diddled, fondled, penetrated, performed oral sex on, and received oral sex from.

And this problem isn’t related to Captain McRae moving from base to base.

It’s that his victims would also move from bases to base.

We had no choice where we lived. We followed our serving parents.

So for example when McRae was posted to CFB Namao in August of 1978 it obvious that he went to work right away having sex with children on the base.

He wasn’t investigated until May of 1980.

That means that Captain McRae was on the base during a posting season, which was typically June to September.

Between June and September of 1979, how many children that Captain McRae had sexually assaulted from August of 1978 until August of 1979 were posted off to different bases across Canada before the investigation of Captain McRae commenced in May of 1980.

Don’t forget, Captain McRae was the master of getting children intoxicated with alcohol. He admitted in his court martial to giving children beer or wine and then fooling around with them in the bedroom of the rectory.

And Captain McRae was smart. At least in my case he was. I don’t remember it being Captain McRae giving me the “sickly sweet grape juice”. It was always the babysitter giving me the sickly sweet grape juice whenever he took me over to visit with Captain McRae.

Now, this is where the postings to a different base take on a sinister aspect.

I had always remembered the babysitter giving me the sickly sweet grape juice as some sort of reward for providing him with sexual favours. And it stayed that way until May 3rd, 2011 when master corporal Christian Cyr asked me if I remembered anything about the base chaplain having been arrested for molesting children during the same period of time that I was accusing the babysitter of molesting me.

That’s 31 years later that I made the connection.

But what if I had stayed on that base longer?

What if the other victims of Captain McRae and the babysitter had stayed on that base?

What if we found each other and started talking amongst ourselves?

What if we waited until we all turned 18 and moved off base and then hired a lawyer back in 1989 / 1990. The same time that former Captain Father Angus McRae was being charged with child molestation in Scarborough, Ontario.

This would have made things really messy for the Canadian Armed Forces and the Department of National Defence. Would have made things really sticky for the babysitter.

But, kids were posted to different bases. Kids who had memories of the babysitter or Captain McRae giving them sickly sweet grape juice. But with no knowledge of the whole child sexual abuse scandal on CFB Namao that transpired because parents complained about the babysitter’s sexual activities with their children.

And it’s not just CFB Namao. CFB Namao was just one base that Captain McRae was stationed at. And in two years Captain McRae was able to molest over 25 children.

How many children from CFB Kingston, CFB Portage La Prairie, or even CFS Holberg have these weird incoherent memories of a sickly sweet grape juice at the rectory of the base chapel?

How many former base brats from this time were between the ages of 4 and 8 and due to their youth at the time of the abuse, can’t fully remember the details.

How many of these kids, through normal military postings, ended up moving to many different bases over their adolescence and teenage years and were completely separated from the other victims?

More sinister though is this thought.

How many more child pedophiles did Captain McRae “activate” on the different bases.

Pedophilia is a sexual attraction to children that most research indicates forms in the brain before birth. Most pedophiles will never act upon their desires. However in the case of the babysitter, did Captain McRae’s abuse and grooming allow the babysitter to give into his desires?

If the babysitter’s attraction to children wasn’t genetic based, did Captain McRae’s abuse and grooming of the babysitter teach the babysitter that it was okay to have sex with young children?

Either way, we know that the babysitter went on to molest more children -across Canada-, while travelling with his father to different postings in different provinces.

How many other kids did Captain McRae abuse and groom whom then went on to abuse children on other Canadian Forces Bases and in the civilian population both before and after they moved off the bases after their 18th birthday.

I think that this is one of those reasons why the Canadian Armed Forces and the Department of National Defence seem to do a lot of heavy work trying to keep military child sexual abuse survivors from receiving even the slightest modicum of recognition.

One can only wonder how many victims have come forward over the years only to either be stonewalled by the not-so-independent military police, or were slapped with an Non-Disclosure-Agreement in trade for a settlement.

What about the babysitter’s other victims

One thing that I hope doesn’t get overlooked in this matter is how many victims did the babysitter abuse while he was moving base to base with his father.

As I learnt from the Military Police Complaint Commission’s report in 2020, 1984 was not the babysitter’s first arrest and conviction for child sexual abuse.

The MPCC expanded on the little information about the babysitter that I was given in 2012 by James Paluck when James told me to go looking for a news story from the Edmonton Journal in August of 1985.

It turns out that the babysitter’s first arrest and conviction for molesting a child was no in 1984 as the Edmonton Journal news story had indicated. He was actually arrested and convicted in 1982 for molesting a young boy in Deep River, Ontario.

Missing from that list is the 1984 charge and conviction that was brought up by the Alberta Crown Prosecutor in the 1985 hearing. Also, the 1985 conviction related to TWO boys. One was a 9-year-old from Canadian Forces Base Namao, and one was a 13 year old from the City of Edmonton.

CFB Petawawa is 31 KM away from Deep River, Ontario. The babysitter would have been 17 in December of 1982 and by this time would have more than likely had a driver’s licence.

How many other towns did the babysitter molest children in that he wasn’t apprehended for?

How many other kids over the years have come forward to the Ontario Provincial Police with tales related to a weird teenager in a car that befriended them and then molested them? How many of these investigation were stymied by the fact that the weird babysitter lived on a military base and that the perpetrator was moved around with his father’s postings. The babysitter ended up back on Canadian Forces Base Edmonton in 1985.

It’s been confirmed that the babysitter’s father received his posting to CFB Petawawa after the babysitter had been interrogated by the base military police in early May of 1980 but well before the suspicious and tragic fire at the babysitter’s PMQ on June 23rd, 1980.

The house fire only accelerated the transfer of the babysitter’s family to CFB Petawawa in Ontario.

When I spoke to the babysitter’s father in July of 2015 he said that once they arrived at CFB Petawawa, the Canadian Forces wanted the babysitter to return to Edmonton, unaccompanied, to testify against Captain McRae. The babysitter’s father protested and was allowed to return to Edmonton with his son, but contrary to Canadian Law at the time, the father was barred from being in the court martial hearing room with his son.

We know that the babysitter returned to Edmonton with his father, but this was early in the year. Military families are typically moved in the summer months to not affect their children’s school attendance.

However the babysitter was charged in May of 1985 with molesting a 9-year-old on Canadian Forces Base Namao in Alberta. According to the babysitter’s father it was at this time that the Canadian Forces gave the father an ultimatum. Either the babysitter moved out of military housing, or the Canadian Forces would eject the entire family from military housing.

The father then rented the babysitter an apartment in the west end of Edmonton where he molested a 13-year-old newspaper boy.

But remember the 8-year-old that the babysitter was charged and convicted of for molesting according to the Alberta Crown Prosecutor?

This was in Manitoba in 1984. This was apparently on a Canadian Forces Base in Manitoba.

The charge related to the 1985 molestation of the 9-year-old on CFB Namao don’t show up in the CPIC check, nor does the charge related to the 1984 molestation of the 8-year-old on the CFB in Manitoba show up.

If these charges don’t show up in the CPIC record system that would seem to indicate that it was either the base military police or the CFSIU that had investigated the babysitter for these crimes. Historically the military justice system very reluctant to share anything with the civilian authorities.

Or, it might be the Young Offenders Act is prohibiting the publication or even acknowledgement of these and other sexual assaults.

But again, how many kids did the babysitter diddle within a given proximity of the bases his father was stationed at?

How many kids on the bases that his father was stationed at did the babysitter molest that haven’t come forward to lay charges either because their family was posted to a different base shortly there after due to operational requirements -or- because much like in my matter the military police knew the history of the babysitter and the risk it posed to exposing the Captain Father Angus McRae matter from Canadian Forces Base Namao.

And this whole matter raises a couple of issues that will forever haunt me to the day I die.

The babysitter wasn’t placed in the care of a military social worker.
I was placed in the care of a military social worker who was convinced that I was a “homosexual” and that’s why I never told anyone of the abuse.

The babysitter’s father allowed the babysitter to get a driver’s licence and possibly allowed the babysitter to use the family car. I had to wait until I moved out of the house and was living on my own before I could swear to a notary that I was living on my own and needed a car before I could get a driver’s licence.

When I spoke with the babysitter’s father in July of 2015, he was convinced that his son was the only victim in all of this, that his son never received proper care.

My father and Captain Totzke were adamant that I enjoyed the abuse, that I also allowed the babysitter to molest my younger brother.

When I spoke to my father in 2006 about the whole babysitter affair my father couldn’t understand why I didn’t just “move the fuck on” and “stop living in the past”. He even warned me about sticking my nose into this matter as I “might not like the smell”.

The babysitter’s father has looked after him for all of his life, renting him apartments, helping with housing, etc.

There were times in my life when I was homeless and on the streets and yet I knew better than to ever call Richard up to ask him for any money. First, he was very unlikely to “loan” more than a token amount. Second, if I were to have taken money from him this would have been proof to him of how fucking worthless I was and more proof that I was insane like my mother’s side of the family.

In 2011, 2015 to 2018, and 2020 to 2022 the CFNIS “investigated” my complaints.

In the 2011 and the 2015 to 2018 CFNIS investigations the CFNIS were more concerned with proving me to be a liar as opposed to helping me obtain justice. There was nothing stopping the CFNIS from linking the crimes and actions of the babysitter to the crimes and actions of Captain McRae even if McRae was deceased. The CFNIS had the CFSIU paperwork and the Court Martial transcripts from 1980, so they knew of the intimate connection between the babysitter and Captain McRae. But as the CFNIS investigation can be directly controlled and influenced by the agency that I would have to sue for compensation there was absolutely no way the truth about Captain McRae and the babysitter would ever come to life.

In the 2020 to 2022 investigation the CFNIS was more intent on proving that the man I had accused wasn’t the man in the sauna as opposed to trying to figure out who the adult male was that the 15-year-old babysitter had pimped an 8-year-old boy out to.

My world is a world of existence where up is left and down is right and right is backwards and up is impossible.

Death

What does death feel like?

Nothing actually. Death feels like nothing. You have to be alive to experience and feel.

Can you remember what it was like before you were conceived? The universe has existed for about 13.7 billion years.

Do you remember any of that?

No?

Well, death is the exact same.

Without a functioning brain, you cannot have a consciousness, you cannot feel, you cannot experience.

You are dead.

To be dead is to be at peace.

The dead have no memories.

The dead have no trauma.

The dead have no fears, no phobias, no mental health issues, no self hatred, no self loathing, no low self esteem.

Why do people fear death so much?

Well, death is the only thing that the human brain has never experienced. The human brain is terrified of the unknown. The human brain likes to have the answers. And if it can’t have the answers, then it creates the answer. See “gods” for an example of this phenomenon.

This is why humans have spent so much effort to convince themselves that there is a life after death. There isn’t. This life is all you get. There will be no other.

Humans like to think of themselves as individuals, each unique in their own special way. But we’re not. What is so special about humans is that we can transcend death not by living after our death, but by passing on our knowledge to the next generation. It is our knowledge that transcends death while our corpse rots and festers.

I am comfortable with my death.

I know that my experiences will live on long after I have been put to sleep.

Yes, I am afraid of dying. But this is more due to the fear of potential pain or of the procedure being botched.

But death, death I welcome it. My death will settle my anxiety and my death will release me from the grips of my depression.

My death will forever erase the memories of the babysitter and of Captain McRae. My death will remove from me the memories of my sexual, physical, and mental abuse at the hands of the various persons who were supposed to be looking after me, caring for me, and keeping me safe from harm.

Am I sad that I see death as my only option?

No.

Death is all around us. Try as we might to pretend that death does not exist, it does.

And life is not as valuable and unique as we’d like to pretend that it is.

America has already had 35 mass shootings in less than 23 days of the year so far. But reducing the death toll by implementing gun control would be to much for the 2A supporters to endure.

Car culture in Canada has killed 45,582 people between 2001 and 2020. Changes could easily be made to reduce this death toll, but this would inconvenience car drivers.

In the 10 year period of 2008 until 2018, there were 6,102 deaths by suicide in the province of British Columbia.

These figures don’t include deaths due to illnesses, or any other means.

And as of this writing there are well over 7,888,000,000 people existing on the face of the Earth. We’re not unique.

Is my life unique?

No.

Is my life special?

No.

Is my life enjoyable?

No.

Will my life ever be free from the turmoil and grief that was bestowed upon me by others?

No.

My time has come.

I am tired.

I should be allowed to leave when I want.

I should be allowed to leave via a painless method administered by a professional who is trained to properly induce death in a compassionate manner.

Death cannot hurt me any worse than what I’ve endured.

In fact, death can release me from the pain and the torment.

What does depression feel like?

Okay, so I can only say this from my perspective, but this is what depression feels like for me.

I don’t feel like I am good at anything. If someone as stupid as I am can figure something out, then everyone else should be able to as well, right?

Yes, I have a very low self esteem. And what makes it worse is when people congratulate me for my accomplishments as they’re obviously just saying nice things to make me shut up, right?

There are a lot of projects that I don’t undertake at work as I know that I am too stupid to get them done. And if they do by some miracle get done, my mind tells me that they won’t be liked, or that they will fail.

Sleeping. I sleep a lot. I always have. I’m sure that constantly waking up with night terrors or in a panic doesn’t help. But even in periods when I am able to sleep without these interruptions I still don’t like waking up or getting out of bed. I get home from work, I sleep. I hate getting out of bed in the morning. It’s not that my bed is nice and warm and I find it too seductive to get out of. I just don’t have any reason to get out of bed. There is no drive.

The most I’ve slept was on a vacation a few years ago. I spent almost 14 days in bed getting out just for food and the bathroom. No movies, mo music, no nothing. Just sleeping and going off to dream land.

I am habitually late for work. I always have been. Being late for work is nothing new. But most employers I’ve worked for have been more than willing to overlook my tardiness as the skills I bring are valuable to them.

Even when I was a kid, getting up and out of bed was a fucking chore.

And that didn’t change at all. into adulthood.

In the early years just after I moved out of the house in 1987, I would often sleep for days.

And just this past weekend I slept through Saturday and Sunday.

Making and keeping friends with untreated depression and untreated anxiety if fucking hopeless. You don’t feel the need to call your friends because you just know that you’re going to bother them or disturb them. And when they call you, they’re often calling in the middle of a depression cycle. And then when no one calls the anxiety kicks in and convinces you that no one likes you and they’re all avoiding you because you’re beyond worthless and they’re only being your “friend” because they’re either using you for a skill that you have, or they just feel sorry for you.

Why didn’t I get help instead of letting my depression progress for so long without treatment?

For starters, I didn’t know that I had been diagnosed with Major Depression in November of 1980 until I received my social service paperwork in August of 2011. When I was having issues with my depression between age 9 and age 16, my father’s way of helping me with my “piss poor fucking attitude” was backhands, slaps, spankings, etc.

I received my first medical card and medical insurance when I started working for the Elashi family in East Richmond in 1994. There was a Carepoint medical clinic in the plaza that the Elashi’s owned. I would go to the clinic to get help with my inability to sleep. Remember, I didn’t know that 14 years prior I had been diagnosed with Major Depression. The doctor and I were certain that I only had a sleep disorder. Looking back, the pills that I had been prescribed could also used for treating depression.

And at that point in time I would never have considered myself to be depressed. My father had drilled into my head that I was just a fucking lazy arsehole that often acted up for fucking attention and who often pretended to be smarter than he actually was.

So no, there was no seeking help for depression. My father, and even “Terry” had suggested that I was just suffering from a mental illness called homosexuality.

And at this time I was nowhere near ready to deal with my implied “homosexuality”. I wasn’t really ready to consider myself a homosexual. It’s just that both Terry and my father insisted that I was one and that why I messed around with the babysitter on Canadian Forces Base Namao.

I couldn’t dare be open with the doctor. What if I said something to him that allowed him to figure out that I was a homosexual that had sex with his babysitter? Or worse ye, what if the doctor discovered that because of my homosexuality I had allowed the babysitter to molest my younger brother.

So no, there was no getting help with my depression, or my anxiety, or my haphephobia. Or my sexual identity / gender confusion.

If both Terry and my father said that I was a homosexual, then surely I must be a homosexual. Yes, my brother swears that he never heard my father refer to me as “gay”, but it’s not like Richard and Terry needed my brother’s permission.

This assignment of my sexual orientation by my father and by Terry as a result of my 1-1/2 years of sexual abuse on Canadian Forces Base Namao by Captain Father Angus McRae and his teenaged accomplice probably did nothing to help me deal with my depression.

And being confused about my orientation didn’t help my depression either.

What else didn’t help with my depression? Haphephobia. The fear of being touched. Fuck do I ever hate being touched, especially unexpectedly. I really hate being touched in a sexual manner. One of the guys at work one put his hand on my shoulder from behind. I twisted away from him. He thought that this was funny so he tried it again. I did not think that this was funny. And I’ve had this haphephobia since the days of CFB Namao. How can a person have relationships if they don’t know their orientation, and they don’t like being touched. This in and of itself will feed depression.

My brain is often numb. It’s a weird sensation. It feels like my brain is stuffed with cotton. It’s very hard to concentrate. I often lose my train of thought if someone says something to me when I am not expecting interruptions.

Oh, and did I mention to you that I was diagnosed as having a notable “Auditory Memory” problem? Yeah, I’ve got tricks to work around this. First is don’t fucking call me on the telephone. Text me, email me, don’t call me. Want me to order something for you, fill out one of these handy dandy parts request forms. Auditory memory issues also ensure great fun with depression.

The funny thing about the auditory memory issue is that when Alberta Social Services wanted to remove me from the home and place me into foster care or residential care as a means to force my father to comply with the family counselling program, Richard himself pulled out the paperwork detailing this auditory memory issue as a cause of my problems in school. Yet in 2011 he didn’t tell the CFNIS about this auditory memory issue nor our involvement with Alberta Social Services or the fact that I was in the foster care system. And, he used to get pissed off and physical with me on CFB Griesbach and CFB Downsview if I forgot to do something that he told me to do or if I didn’t understand what he had told me.

So, as you can see, I’ve had my fair share of mental health issues that were diagnosed, but that were left untreated, hidden, and ignored.

I suffered with these matters all of my life.

And these issues are part of the reason I want MAiD.

MAiD is the only way for me to finally be freed from these issues.

My desire for MAiD isn’t a rash decision.

It’s the result of a very slow moving train that’s been gathering speed for the last 40+ years.