Planning for the sweet release of death leads to some interesting realizations
I understand that to many of you that my death is probably playing out like the longest suicide in the history of humankind.
Death will offer me the escape from my constant companions Depression & Anxiety as well as eliminating all of my memories of the sexual abuse on Canadian Forces Base Namao, the subsequent treatment that I received at the hands of military social worker Captain Terry Totzke, and the memories of the far too many years of suffering alone and being blamed for CFB Namao.
However, I’ve just realized that I’m probably not going to see the completion of various projects. Some that I am involved in and some that I am not involved in.
And it’s kinda a weird feeling.
Take the new hospital. I’ve been involved with the design and procurement committee for the new hospital.
Am I sad?
No. Not really.
My name will live on in the project documents.
I was here. I did something.
Even the existing hospital. I’m still running the physical plant there, and I will do so right up until the date I chose.
Now, to be honest, I’m not going to work right up until the chosen date of my death. If things work out correctly, I’ll be able to take some time off work, get an early payout on my pension that will allow me further time off.
But still, I’m going to work right up to the end. And why shouldn’t I. Work keeps my mind from wandering into my past.
I’ve worked on various projects, and I’ve got more projects and improvements lined up.
Why do these projects and improvements if you’re going to die?
Why not? Gotta do something with my time anyways. And besides, let’s say that I wasn’t planning for my death. Should I not do any improvements at work just incase that I get run over while I’m riding my bicycle one day?
The Skytrain extension out to Arbutus, or even the recently announced extension out to Langley. The Broadway extension started recently and it’s expected to be in service by 2025.
Sure, it would have been interesting to have been able to take the Skytrain from Arbutus to Coquitlam, or even from Arbutus to Langley. But this doesn’t outweigh the war and the damage that are in my head.
The new hospital? It’s supposed to be completed around 2027 or 2028. So nope, won’t live to see that.
Am I sad?
I used to joke during the planning meetings that the rear lane behind the new hospital that had yet to be named should be called the “Bobbie Bees Memorial Lane”. As no one at work has any ideas about my plans, they all laughed it off as just a joke. But it would have been nice for that to have been named after me and dedicated to all of the children who grew up on Canadian Forces bases in Canadian and whom ended up committing suicide to escape the demons they encountered in the military environment.
I’ve come to realize over the past little while that it’s our attachment to the here and now that makes it so hard to let go.
After I draw my last breath, the world will keep on spinning. Why shouldn’t it?
It’ll be like I was never here and that I never existed.
I won’t miss anything because I won’t exist.
Those who knew me might miss me, but within 50 years everyone who knew me will be gone as well.
Except for a very few people in the world, my death will go unnoticed. Just another of the of the 60 million deaths per year. 64 million per year by 2025.