I’ll see if I can bang this out quickly.
I don’t often put my iPhone on random play, but I did today.
And as I was walking home from Gastown a song that I hadn’t heard in a very long time came on.
It was “Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me” by the Australian band TISM (This is serious Mum).
It’s got a cute flash video with an animated bunny…….
And this got me to thinking.
How many times in my life have I actually had sex with another person?
And it turns out not too many time really.
I’m not going to include the times with P.S., Captain McRae, the man in the sauna on CFB Namao, the guy from CFB Griesbach, Earl Stevens.
From the time I moved out of the house when I was 16 (1987) until 1998 when I lived in Surrey I had sex with absolutely no one.
I did meet a guy in the Westend around 1996. When we got back to his place he asked me if I was HIV+, I told him no as I wasn’t. He said that he was HIV+ and that he was hoping that I’d agree to sex without a condom as a condom was like trying to eat a chocolate bar with the wrapper still on. I got dressed and left.
In 1998 I decided to try my luck at one of the gay bath houses in New Westminster on Columbia street. Got a hand job and that was that.
Next time I had sex with another person was actually around 2002. Met a woman named Ilona. She moved into my apartment. Initially we had separate beds. She didn’t like that. So we moved the beds together. The sex was interesting so long as I could block out seeing what P.S. had done to the blonde haired girl on CFB Namao. Ilona really wanted kids. I really didn’t want kids, guess that’s a Gill thing. I spent a lot of time going for long walks. Wasn’t her fault. Just I couldn’t handle the depression, the anxiety, and all of the memories from CFB Namao. We broke up sometime around 2004.
Around 2011 my counsellor that I was seeing at the time said that I should try to have relationships with other people.
Now, not being the type of guy to go out for drinks in a bar or to go for a coffee and talk, I tried another gay hang out on Pender street and a few that were up around Davie street.
Just never got into it.
Couldn’t enjoy it.
In the back of my head I’d always hear Captain Totzke telling me that he had the base military police watching me and that I’d be going to a mental institution because I had a mental illness called “homosexuality”. I’d hear my father threatening to break my fucking neck if he ever caught me kissing another boy.
I guess it comes down to the fact that when you don’t know what you are it’s really hard to know what you like.
I’ve always found sex to be dirty and disgusting.
Is P.S. all to blame for this? Is Earl Ray Stevens to blame for this? Is Captain Terry Totzke to blame for this? Is the man in the sauna to blame for this? Is the man from CFB Griesbach to blame for this? Are the other men that took advantage of me as a result of Earl’s grooming?
Is it my major depression?
Is it my severe anxiety?
Is it my fear of other people?
I’ve always found sex to be about power imbalances. One party forcing the other party to do something they didn’t want to do. P.S. knew that he had full power and control over me and my brother as he was our babysitter. Earl knew that he had full power over me as he had been in the Canadian Armed Forces himself and he knew that I knew that I’d be terrified of the Military Police or my father finding out about what we were doing as I would be in just as much trouble as he would be in.
And with my memories of 1978 through 1987 always haunting me, I don’t think that sexual relationships of any kinda were ever going to be in the cards for me.
So there you have it.
My sex life has really been non-existent.
Not anything sexual.
Just no sexual.
People assume that I’m gay because I don’t have girl friends.
Well, I don’t have boyfriends either.
Fuck, I don’t have friends period.