A song that I’ve liked for a while.

I forget when I first hear this song, it was before I started working at the hospital, but I’ve loved it since first hearing it.

And yes, while the song is apparently about bipolar disorder, I think it can easily apply to good ol’ fashioned depression.

I’m fairly certain that I am not bipolar as I don’t get the manias.

I only get stomach turning brain spinning depression.

My father used to call me a “lazy ass” for not getting out of bed in the morning. But between waking up at least once a night with nightmares, and the crushing realization that I didn’t die in my sleep, it was so hard to muster the energy to get out of bed. I still have that to this day. Sure, the nightmares of my father, of P.S., and of all of the other shit from my childhood have faded over the years, but it’s still such a bear to get out of bed in the morning. So much so that I have to have two alarm clocks set for three alarms each as well as automated lights to come on.

Being that my depression is caused by trauma and genetics I don’t think that I will ever be free of this demon.

It’s “A Better Son/Daughter” by Rilo Kiley

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can’t move 
Awake but cannot open my eyes 
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs 
I know I can’t breathe 
And I hope someone will help me this time 
And your mother’s still calling you insane and high
Swearing it’s different this time 
And you tell her you give in to the demons that possess her 
And that God never blessed her insides 
Then you hang up the phone 
And feel badly for upsetting things 
Crawl back into bed to dream of a time 
When your heart was open wide 
And you loved things just because 
Like the sick and the dying 
And sometimes when you’re on 
You’re really fucking on 
And your friends they sing along 
And they love you 
But the lows are so extreme 
That the good seems fucking cheap 
And it teases you for weeks in its absence 
But you’ll fight and you’ll make it through 
You’ll fake it if you have to 
And you’ll show up for work with a smile 
And you’ll be better 
And you’ll be smarter 
And more grown up 
And a better daughter or son 
And a real good friend 
And you’ll be awake 
You’ll be alert 
You’ll be positive though it hurts 
And you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends 
And you’ll be a real good listener 
You’ll be honest 
You’ll be brave 
You’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful 
You’ll be happy 

Your ship may be coming in 
You’re weak but not giving in 
To the cries and the wails of the valley below 
And your ship may be coming in 
You’re weak but not giving in 
And you’ll fight it 
You’ll go out fighting all of them

Depression sucks.

Major depression is a killer.

Severe anxiety doesn’t help.

The pills kinda help though.

And I mean the legal pills.

I think that one of the things that has really hindered me so far as receiving treatment for my major depression and CPTDS is that I’ve never self medicated. No booze, no needles, no illegal pills, nothing.

And I think this is what’s kept me from being taken as serious.

As a kid, the doctors and the psychiatrists were telling my father and Captain Terry Totzke that I was having serious problems and that I should be institutionalized. My father didn’t care as he “knew” that it was all an act. Captain Totzke didn’t care as he had his orders.

And now as an adult no one takes me serious because I don’t push a shopping cart up and down the alleys and scream at telephone poles.

Not having anyone “on my team” i.e. friends (I don’t have any), family ( don’t have that either), there’s been no one there to alert my health care professionals or to vouch for what I’ve told my health care professionals.

So here I am at 50. Everyone who knows me and the issues that I am going through and the trauma that I’ve suffered are wandering around telling me to “Don’t worry, be happy”. As if I were to just smile then my life would be all fucking happiness and sunshine and rainbows.

All I can do is reflect upon what was taken from me, what was stolen from me, what was denied to me. This is shit that I’ve never getting back.

Everybody has an easy fix for my life…..

Bobbie, why don’t you find a boyfriend / girlfriend?

Bobbie, why don’t you just go out for drinks with the boys?

Bobbie, why don’t you go to a sportsball game?

Bobbie, why don’t you take trade training?

Bobbie, if you like electronics why don’t you take a course?

None of these things have ever been an interest to me before, and they’re sure not going to be an interest to me now. Especially the drinking. With the way that my father and my paternal grandmother were both raging alcoholics, drinking alcohol is the last thing I need.

Author: bobbiebees

I started out life as a military dependant. Got to see the country from one side to the other, at a cost. Tattoos and peircings are a hobby of mine. I'm a 4th Class Power Engineer. And I love filing ATIP requests with the Federal Government.

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