transition – Beeshive

Breasts and death

My hormone related changes are well under way.

And I still really want to die.

And I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with that.

Death won’t be an option until 2027, and there’s still no indication if M.A.i.D. will be legalized for mental illnesses or not, but I am still hoping to be “allowed” to die.

Isn’t that the funniest of things?

I’m not allowed to die, but I also didn’t choose to exist.

My mother and my father got drunk one night. An exchange of DNA occurred. And 9 months later I popped out into the world.

Through my early life all sorts of people with their own agendas were making decisions about my life based upon their own ideas and interests.

And here I am at 52, burnt out and tired, and unable to make a decision about my life.

But Bobbie, I thought that if you transitioned that you would be happy and that you’d want to live?

Fuck no.

With an official delay in M.A.i.D. until 2027 I thought that I would avail myself to fixing the one thing that I had always wanted to correct all of my life but was unable to due to circumstances beyond my control.

Transitioning in and of itself is not the cure for my desire to die.

My desire to die comes from my rancid childhood.

Growing up on Canadian Armed Forces military bases was hard enough under the best of circumstances.

Growing up on Canadian Armed Forces military bases as a sexually abused male was an absolute fucking nightmare.

Growing up on Canadian Armed Forces military bases as a sexually abused gender non-conforming male during the days of CFAO 19-20 was a fucking soul destroying experience.

Growing up on Canadian Armed Forces military bases in a dysfunctional family in the era when the military’s policy towards members with mental issues meant that the military just outright ignored these issues meant that there were none of the normal experiences that children require to grow up mentally healthy. In fact my father’s alcoholism and his out-of-control and unacknowledged PTSD meant that the experiences that I grew up with caused a shit ton of mental issues that have plagued me for my entire life.

How bad have these issues affected me?

Here’s some moulds made of my teeth by my dentist in a last ditch attempt to save what’s left of my teeth.

Yeah, I’ve worn my teeth down to absolutely nothing.

That’s ’cause I wake up in terror some nights grinding my teeth away.

I’ve had night guards before, but I usually grind through them in a few weeks.

So Bobbie, if you still want to die, why are you transitioning?

I’ve never identified with being a male at any point in my life.

And this has nothing to do with the babysitter, Captain McRae, Captain Totzke, or Master Corporal Gill.

I’ve never identified as a boy. I always thought that I was a girl.

Around age 10 or 11 I remember hoping and praying that I would wake up the next morning with breasts and all the rest.

And everyday that I didn’t wake up with the much hoped for changes, I was devastated.

And was I ever jealous.

The girls at school were starting to fill out, and I wasn’t.

So, I intend to spend the next three years-or-so getting some of the changes that I’ve always wanted.

I’m not going for bottom surgery. I’ll get some items removed, but I’m not going for vaginoplasty.

And for the topside, I’ll be happy with what the hormones give me. I’m not going the augmentation route.

Body wise? Yeah, I’m already enjoying the muscle loss. It’s hard to explain, but I’ve always felt that my body is smaller than what it actually is. By losing muscle mass I’m hoping to finally get my body muscle structure down to what feels more natural. I’m already getting some of the fat redistribution, but the full effect won’t be for another year or so.

The goal of this all will be that when I finally go to sleep and escape this fucked up existence, that I present as close to a female as I can.

Never wanted to be a male.

Never identified as a male.

I don’t want to die as a male.

But, in the meantime I’m going to keep on with the hormones and the changes.

The Canadian Armed Forces had an extensive amount of say over my childhood.

I will not allow Canadian Armed Forces to say single fucking thing about my remaining days or my death.

And then there were three…..

Was at the doctor this morning for my monthly check-up.

My blood work is progressing along nicely.

He doesn’t think that the collapse that I had last month had anything to do with me being on anti-depressants or taking estrogen for my hormone therapy.

I’ve had a long running history of syncope. BP was 112 over 73. Not bad.

And my liver seems okay with the estrogen.

My testosterone results were online at the time of my appointment and they were around 1.1. I’d like to get those down as low as possible, but we’ll have to wait and see whether I can do this chemically or if I can do this surgically.

So, I’ve graduated up to three patches twice a week. That’s 150 microgram of estradiol per day. Whooo-Hoooo!

My most recent blood test revealed that I am at 479 pmol/l which is the same as a woman in her early 20s

I’m aiming to go for an estradiol level of 800 pmol/l which is about 210 pg/ml. This is equivalent to a woman in her late 20s.

Puberty to maturity in less than 6 months.

And then there’s going to be the eventual tapering off.

My body is old. Usually human bodies only undergo one sexual development and maturity per lifetime. Putting my body through a second sexual development and maturity is gonna be tough on it.

Is it worth it?

I think so.

I get a taste of what could have been.

I realize that there was absolutely no way that I could have transitioned early in life, especially not as a kid living on Canadian Armed Forces bases.

And even in my adult life, there would have been very few chances I could have had to have transitioned previously.

In a way, no matter how much psychological trauma I had to endure being involved with the Canadian Armed Forces “justice” system from 2011 until 2020, I wouldn’t have ever been able to contemplate transitioning until I came to realize just how damaged and fucked up the Canadian Armed Forces are and how as an organization they’re willing to destroy the lives of those they deem to be inconsequential so long as the CAF can persevere its public image.

Once I realized just how ethically damaged and psychologically challenged members of the Canadian Armed Forces such as Colonel Daniel Edward Munro, Captain Terry Totzke, and Master Corporal Richard Wayne Gill were I began to realize that all of the hose shit that Captain Totzke and Mcpl Gill had shovelled into my head from age 9 to age 16 was nothing more that the military’s standard bullshit that was deployed to keep secrets.

As I said previously, when my brother called me in 2019 to let me know that Richard had died in 2017, I felt an honest sense of relief knowing that the silly fucker was dead and gone.

And that was when I started putting some serious thought into transitioning.

How it started, how it’s progressing.

Well, as you should know, I started hormone therapy back in May of 2024. I really didn’t have the opportunity to do this sooner in life no matter how much I wanted to. And with 2027 coming up I figured that this was the only chance that I was ever going to have to transition.

May 2024

May 2024 was when I started. This blood test was to establish what my base hormone levels were.

June was the first blood test after I had started taking estradiol. My testosterone levels were cut just over half. Estrogen was starting to make its presence felt.

The July blood test showed a nice jump in estrogen levels. By this point in time I had noticed that my facial hair growth had slowed down, my skin was a lot softer, fat on my body was squishier, and I was starting to grow breasts.

The August tests show that my estrogen levels can stand to go a little higher. Hopefully the “results are pending” for my testosterone levels indicate that my testosterone levels are so low that they’re running the samples again to make sure that they’re not misreading the results.

It’s going to take a few months for the changes to really start to set in.

I’m going to reside somewhere in between the worlds of male and female. Never wanted to be male, but won’t be 100% female either.

What kept me from transitioning earlier in life?

I would have to say wholeheartedly the environment that I spent my childhood within.

This was Canadian Armed Forces policy from 1973 until 1994.

Yes, the Canadian Armed Forces and the Department of National Defence will both wholeheartedly point out that I was not a member of the Canadian Forces. But my father, master corporal Richard Gill was. My social worker, Captain Terry Totzke was.

A report that was commissioned by the Canadian Armed Forces in 1996 and released in 2001 entitled “Canadian Forces Response to Spousal Abuse in Military Families” had a few interesting things to say that might explain how catastrophic CFAO 19-20 was toward me.

Family Violence Report Download

I have never been able to find a corresponding report on violence against children in military communities.

Military social workers were seen by many to be “company employees”. And that they were. They were officers within the chain of command. They had rank over members such as my father, plus they also had to answer to their own superiors.

Military social workers were often lacked the credentials required to be a civilian social worker, and often simply remustered from other branches of the military. This was the same for military police back in the day. You didn’t join the Canadian Forces specifically to be a military police officer or a member of the Canadian Forces Special Investigation Unit. You could simply transfer from another completely and totally unrelated branch of the military if you decided that you wanted to be a member of the military police.

So…….. here we have Captain Totzke, instructed by his training in the Canadian Forces that ANY sexual abnormality was an undesirable mental illness that needed to be eliminated from the Canadian Forces at any cost, and here we have me, fresh off of CFB Namao and fresh from the Captain Father Angus McRae child sexual abuse scandal in which the military police, the CFSIU, and the base commander Colonel Daniel Edward Munro knew not only about Captain Father Angus McRae having committed “acts of homosexuality” with children on the base. But the military also knew full well about the actions of the babysitter.

No doubt the military rationalized that we were all homosexuals.

If Captain Totzke didn’t really have any type of credentials for social work, this might explain why his actions were completely baffling to my civilian social workers. Might also explain why he thought that it was completely appropriate to threaten me with arrest by the military police if I ever kissed or touched another boy on base.

As far as the military was concerned, there was no difference between us kids down at the lower age spectrum, and the 14 year old babysitter, and the 50 something chaplain. We were all guilty of committing the criminal code offence of Gross Indecency , which was the crime of two males having sex.

So yeah, it would be safe to say that the Canadian Armed Forces, CFAO 19-20, captain Terry Totzke, master corporal Richard Wayne Gill, and pretty well the entire military hierarchy enforced by the National Defence Act slammed me into the closet, and slammed the door shut.

I’m almost 100% certain that the abuse at the hands of the babysitter and McRae on CFB Namao had no effect on my gender identity nor my orientation.

I’m of the belief, and science backs this up, that gender and gender identity rely on more than just XX or XY chromosomes. There’s the timing and levels of hormones released in the foetus, there’s the mother’s exposure to Endocrine Disrupting Chemicals, and there’s just good ol’ variations presented by the expression of the genes.

The human foetus, just like the foetus of most mammals, is predisposed to become female.

This is why you can’t generally scan for the gender of a foetus before 10 to 11 weeks as all foetuses will appear to be female.

If the foetus has XX chromosomes its gonads will develop into ovaries, which will then start secreting minute amounts of estrogen which will allow the foetus to keep developing towards female.

If the foetus has XY chromosomes its gonads will develop into testicles, which will then start secreting minute amounts of androgens. This will halt the development of female external and internal reproductive organs, and start forming masculine reproductive organs. The brain of the foetus will undergo masculinization.

Gender identity and sexual orientation are both “hard coded” in utero.

If the brain didn’t have orientation or identity hardwired into it, human reproduction would have been almost absolutely impossible.

Nobody goes to school to learn how to have sex.

The brain is hardwired for this.

Only ignorant institutions or ignorant people would think that gender identity or sexual orientation are something that someone chooses on a whim

My ovaries………

Well, seeing as how I don’t have ovaries I have to get my estrogen the good ol’ fashioned way like nature intended.

Through a transdermal patch.

A trans on a trans………. I think I just made a joke?

I’ve noticed some changes so far.

But I’m still a few weeks away from the changes really becoming pronounced.

And this ain’t cheap. Those 8 packages are just over $30.00 each for 8 patches. That works out to $3.75 per patch.

The prescription calls for 4 patches per week, so those patches will last for 3.25 months. So in one year I’ll be looking at using 208 patches. This works out to about $800 per year. And that’s if I stay with the four 50 microgram patches per week. As I progress along my dosage will be increased. It could go up from 100 micrograms (two 50 microgram patches) up to a maximum of 400 micrograms (four 100 microgram patches). So yeah, this will get pretty expensive.

And no, this isn’t covered by provincial medical and it’s not covered by my Pacific Blue Cross insurance yet.

So, if you hear alt-right nutcases whinging on about “state subsidized trannies” or government paying to force transexuals on the rest of society there isn’t any such thing. There are special cases where the government will subsidize the cost of the medications, but this generally isn’t the case, at least not for me.

So, what am I?

Male, Female, or non-binary?

I definitely am not male. I’ve never really identified as male.

And NO, this so called “gender confusion” has nothing to do with the babysitter, McRae, or Totzke. I have honestly never identified with being a male. But the environment that I grew up in would never have allowed for the expression of an identity that did not match the junk between my legs.

Yes, there will be those who will scream that the civilian world was not much different than life in a military family living on a military base. And sure, the civilian world back in the ’70s and ’80s wouldn’t have been a cake walk for a trans kid, but……… in the civilian world there was no official order demanding that you rat out your co-worker or your neighbour. In the military community there was CFAO 19-20. And yes, CFAO 19-20 didn’t apply to military dependents directly, but it set the attitude of the members of the Canadian Forces that people who didn’t conform to sexual norms were mentally defective and a liability.

But, what will I identify as?

Me, I’m going to go with the letter “X”.

There are far too many areas in North America where identifying as a trans female isn’t legal, and travel wise there are some areas as well that don’t accept genders different from what you were born as. However, almost every jurisdiction will accept “X”.

And as I said, I’m not going for bottom surgery. I’ll get parts removed, but that’s it. I’m not getting things created. So in the end I’ll look like a Ken doll, but a Ken doll with breasts. And not as muscular or masculine……..

Washrooms? Thankfully most places have unisex / single washrooms. I haven’t ever encountered problems going to the men’s room in the lower mainland, or Iceland, or Washington state or Oregon. I suppose there is the possibility that this might change once my breasts start to become larger and more visible. Women’s room? Probably not. That’s far too much of a hornet’s nest for me to go poking just to take a piss. Even though I will eventually become a sitter and unable to use urinals, going into the women’s room will undoubtedly trigger some people, and I ain’t going there.

I think that’s enough for now.

Tomorrow will be a different day.

100 micrograms

Went to see my nurse practitioner today.

My blood work looked fine, so I’ve graduated from 50 microgram patches to 100 microgram patches.

And we’ll do the same thing in a month’s time. I’ll got for another blood test. And if my liver isn’t showing any signs of not liking the estrogen, then I can graduate to 150 micrograms. And so on and so on.

The goal is to get my testosterone down to around 1.9 nmol/L while getting my estradiol levels up to around 500 pmol/L without going over 700 pmol/L.

Should be an interesting ride for the next few months.

Soft………

Well, one thing that I’ve noticed over the past few weeks is how soft my skin is now.

Since I started taking estrogen a few weeks ago my skin has become noticeably softer and smoother.

And yes, this was to be expected, but I didn’t think that it would have been this noticeable.

My breasts are noticeable, but not that noticeable. I’ve seen guys with bigger Molson boobs than what I currently have.

They’re just barely large enough to show through my tops, but they are large enough to snag the shoulder strap of my laptop case.

I don’t think I’ll have to resort to the Judy Blume exercises…….

But hot damn my nipples are super sensitive.

My body fat feels different too. It’s a lot more squishy and jiggly.

Mood?

My mood is different. Can’t quite explain it, but it’s different.

I’ve got an appointment with my doc next week.

See how well my kidneys and liver are taking to the new hormones.

This will be the first of my never ending blood tests and we’ll see how much estrogen was in my bloodstream on the final day of the four day period for my patch.

We’ll decide if I stay with the same patches or if I go up in strength.

And we’ll eventually decide if I go on androgen blockers.

Then I’ll know for sure what the mood difference is between androgen and estrogen.

Sometimes when I go to apply a new patch, the exposed portion of the patch will fold over and touch itself. Because of the adhesive I can’t get that half apart. I wasn’t sure what to do with the 1/2s that were good. Well, I can actually cut off the stuck together part of two different patches and then use the good parts as one patch and cover them with Tegaderm. Just like new!

A little hint

Okay, so I had a little bit of a learning curve with my estrogen patches.

Yes, they’re supposed to stick you your skin. But I found for the first couple of days my patches kept falling off.

And not really wanting to miss out on any of my meds, I had to think of something to do to keep these from coming off.

If I could put them on my upper arms like a nicotine patch, that would have worked, but the estrogen patches have to go on either my butt or my lower belly for the best effect.

So I turned to Tegaderm.

I put the patch on, then I put a Tegaderm dressing over top of the patch. And the patches don’t fall off. which is nice.

I don’t want to miss out on any of the meds.

Coming up this Friday I have my first blood test to make sure that my body is handling the estrogen properly.

Hopefully my body is.

Mentally I like the difference in mood.

It’s almost like androgens are a toxin.

16 days

Okay, so it’s day sixteen of estrogen.

I’m currently on patch #3, tomorrow will be patch #4

Things seem to be mentally more clearer.

Not better, just clearer.

Make sense?

Didn’t think so.

A co-worker asked me if I was still contemplating M.A.i.D..

I don’t see anything changing at this moment.

In fact the BC Human Rights Tribunal directed my complaint to the Canadian Human Rights Tribunal.

2027 is still awhile away.

In a way it’s my desire for M.A.i.D. that has given me the freedom to transition.

As I’ve said before, I really wanted to transition since the ’90s. But the fragility of employment along with the absolute lack of family support meant that transitioning was always going to be a far off desire.

When I could no longer control my desire to transition and I changed my name I made the fatal mistake of going after my babysitter from Canadian Forces Base Namao.

That put me 14 years even further behind.

So it’s either transition now or never.

And I chose now.

Body changes so far?

I’ve noticed that some fat seems to be moving around.

My desired muscle loss hasn’t happened yet, but it will.

My long sought after breasts haven’t started growing yet. They are puffy though and their texture is starting to change. So I know that something’s brewing.

I’m off for the month of June, but I’m hoping that when I go back to work in July that I’m sporting a noticeable pair of bumps.

Surgery to help things along?

Nope.

I’ll be happy with whatever estrogen has in store for me.

I have no intentions for any type of surgery except for removing things.

Estrogen Log: Day 10.

Okay, so I’m on day 10 of being on estrogen.

I’m currently on patch #3, patch #4 will be on Wednesday.

Not too much noticeable in the way of changes, but there are some changes.

My facial hair isn’t growing as fast.

My nipples have started to change shape, and now it feels like there’s an empty void behind them.

And my testicles are smaller.

Other than that I’m still waiting on the muscle loss.

I did go for physio last week and the one thing we noticed is that my muscles aren’t as stiff and tense as they usually are.

I don’t expect the really noticeable changes to start occurring much before June.

June is my vacation month, so I am expecting to go back to work looking a little different than I did before my vacation.

That should be very entertaining……..

A co-worker of mine whom is aware of my blog and my desire for M.A.i.D. has asked me if finally being able to transition will put an end to my desire for M.A.i.D.. I told them that we’d have to wait and see. We’ll have to see what awaits in 2027.

Anyways…… ’nuff for now.

Day Two

Nothing much to report here.

I’m on day Two.

I don’t really expect to see any results for a couple of weeks.

Mental changes should start showing up first.

Physical changes should be showing up in a few weeks.

Facial hair should be the first to slow down, followed by hair on the other parts of my body that females typically don’t have increased hair growth at puberty such as their backs or their chests. Arm and leg hair will slow down but not by much.

Muscle loss should be coming up shortly after that.

The neat thing is I’m off work for the month of June for my annual vacation and this is when most of the new changes will start to come into effect.

When I go back to work after my vacation there should be some noticeable changes.

I’m hoping that after my first three months on 50 ug patches that I can look at something stronger. But this will depend on the results of my blood tests.

As long as nothing goes out of whack and as long as my body processes the estrogen properly I can’t see any reason why I wouldn’t be able to step the dosage up.

One thing that I didn’t anticipate with transitioning is that blood tests will be a frequent requirement. For the first while they’ll be monthly. This is just to make sure that my androgen levels are decreasing like they should and that the estrogen is not harming my liver.