Tag: M.A.i.D.

Saturday April 6th, 2024

On Monday I’m back to work.

It’s been a fun 15 days away from work.

Still have 20 days left of vacation time.

I think the first 7 days I barely got out of bed.

Dreamland is such a pleasant place to visit, so much nicer than reality.

The rest of the time I was getting out of bed super, super late.

Tuesday I’ve got an appointment with my nurse practitioner. I’ll have a pretty interesting decision to make.

He’s kinda apprehensive. He wants to know if I’ve ever had any involvement in the trans community before. I told him that I had been involved with some groups in the mid ’00s, but the fact that I’m a socially isolated loner meant that I didn’t stick around them for too long.

Beside, I don’t want to transition into a woman. I want to transition into neither. Not male. Not female.

Sex has been an unmitigated disaster for me.

To officially be neither, but to have bits of both intrigues me.

My NP has warned me that I’m pretty old and my masculine features are pretty hard set. I told him that I’m fine with that, that I’m not looking to be female. I just don’t want anything associated with male.

He cautioned me that people might not be too accepting.

I’m covered in tattoos from head to toe.

I have a lot of facial piercings.

I wear dresses and heels.

I work with trades that are normally dominated by “Real Manly Men….. Grrrrrr(tm)(c)”

At work I put up with people who won’t give me the time of day due to the way I am.

Having breasts and less muscle mass isn’t going to be much of a game changer for me.

And really, I’ve seen guys with bigger breasts than I intend to have. They usually call those “Molson Man Tiddies”…… but I digress.

The NP says that there is a risk of blood clot and stroke with taking oral or intramuscular Estrogen at my stage in life. Fine, dermal patch it will be.

The lawyers are still working away on the class action, nothing to report on that front.

I am beginning to accept that the DOJ and the DND will succeed in their endeavour to hide this mess from the public.

Sometimes I wonder if things would have been better off and if I listened to Richard’s warning to me about sticking my nose into this shit. Sure, knowing the truth about Canadian Forces Base Namao is one thing. But knowing the truth really hasn’t changed anything. Pedophiles and child molesters who had successful careers in the Canadian Armed Forces prior to 1998 and who got away with their crimes due to the 3-year-time-bar flaw and the summary investigation flaw get to enjoy their retirement knowing that they can’t ever be touched by military or civilian tribunals. And the victims of these perverts get laughed at by the Canadian Armed Forces and the Department of National Defence because neither of these agencies can be compelled by any civilian authority to admit that these flaws impacted children living on the bases.

Until next time……..

DNA

So, I bit the bullet last week and I ordered an Ancestry DNA test.

I’ve always been kinda curious about my lineage.

According to my father, I’m my Uncle Al’s son.

But then again, according to Richard I’m Bill Parker’s son.

So, it’ll be interesting to see what comes back.

There are pictures of my brother and I as kids.

He has the same skin tone and brown eyes like my grandmother.

Me?

I look like my mother, and so does my brother.

But he also looks like he has First Nations blood.

Me, not so much.

My father was a horndog that would literally fuck anything that moved.

I’ll be interested to see if I get any hits for half-brothers and half-sisters that I didn’t know about.

He was with the Royal Canadian Navy for 6 years before he remustered into the airforce after the unification of the Canadian Forces in 1968.

But even when he was with the airforce he was often away on training exercises.

So there’s no telling how many panties he dropped.

And the thing with being in the Canadian Forces back then is when he said that he was going away on training exercises, did he really go away on training exercises?

Or were his “weekend training exercises” just panty raids.

But other than discovering how far and wide my old man distributed his tadpoles, I’m really curious about the maternal side of my family.

As I’ve said previously, I more or less know about the paternal side of my family. My paternal grandmother raised my brother and I for about 6 years of our lives as kids.

I did meet my paternal grandfather, albeit only for a few weeks over the 1982 xmas holidays.

I met both of my paternal uncles, uncle Doug and uncle Norman.

I met two of my paternal grandmother’s brothers, Uncle Jimmy and Uncle Johnny.

I even met my paternal grandmother’s sister, Aunt Karen.

So far as the maternal side of my family, I only vaguely remember uncle Al. I never would see uncle Al again after my father was posted from CFB Shearwater to CFB Summerside.

It will be interesting to see what comes up.

Resting Bitch Face………

I’ve come to the realization that I suffer from a bad case of “Resting Bitch Face”.

Here’s an album of my “Resting Bitch Face” in Canada, America, and Iceland…..

What causes Resting Bitch Face?

Probably a life time of being dead on the inside.

It’s hard at work because I gotta fake a smile all the time otherwise people seem to think that I’m going to snap.

It’s not that I hate or despise perky people. I just don’t feel the need to run around all day with an insane grin on my face.

In my house there was no need to smile.

The best thing around grandma, Richard, or Sue was to just adopt a blank face.

And growing up keeping a blank face also work at school as it kept the other kids and the teachers from knowing that anything was wrong at home.

When I went to the Westfield program in Edmonton from June 1982 to March 1983 we had to talk about our “feelings”. We also had to do “temperature check” every morning before classes so that we could express our feelings and emotions.

This did not go over well with me. I hated it. I hated talking about feelings.

Richard, Grandma, and the events of CFB Namao had killed off just about every emotion that I ever had.

Even to this day the worst thing that you could do is ask me to express emotions, or talk about my feelings, of talk about personal things.

“You don’t like to talk about personal things?”

Get the fuck outta here!

What the fuck is this blog then?

This blog is therapy and a testament.

Besides, I talk about what I want to talk about when I want to talk about it.

But Bobbie, you gotta talk about your feelings if you want to get better……..

Nope.

That’s not how this works.

You don’t get to ignore the past and then wash your hands of my dysfunction by further blaming me for being me.

Don’t forget, a lot of my dysfunction didn’t come from bad personal choice. Almost all of my dysfunction can be traced back directly to bad decisions made by members of the Canadian Armed Forces.

You didn’t honestly think that what I endured wasn’t going to have an effect on me, did you?

And blaming me for the dysfunction wasn’t going to cure me.

I think that this may be one of the reasons that I embraced an eccentric manner of dressing, what I lack on the inside I cover up with nice colours, patterns, and designs on the outside.

The BCHRT

So, missed work again today.

Just couldn’t muster enough strength or energy to get out of bed.

I did manage though to file a complaint against the Federal Government for their faiure to provide Medical Assistance in Dying to persons suffering from mental illness.

I specifically named Justin Trudeau, Mark Holland, and Arif Virani. Justin Trudeau is the head of the Canadian Government. Mark Holland is the Minister of Health, and Arif Virani is the Minister of Health.

Some may say “Bobbie, isn’t this a bit harsh? They’re only looking out for Canadians”.

No, they’re playing politics.

They’re putting the electability of their party ahead of the needs of persons suffering from mental illness.

Canadian society turns a blind eye to the number of easily prevented deaths on the public streets in the name of car driver convienience. Mandaroty GPS based speed limiters and a 20 km/h blanket speed limit in any municipal area would cut the amount of deaths on the public streets by at least 3/4.

Canadian society turns a blind eye to the ever increasing death toll from illicit drugs because the law ‘n’ order crowd says it must be so.

I no longer want to be burdened by brain crushing depression, anxiety, and never ending memories of the abuse, neglect, and degredation of my childhood and the bible thumpers jump up and down that suffering is good for the human soul and that their imaginary friend would be sad if I died.

On the complaint submission the form asks what you expect to see as a resolution. I basically said that until legislation is introduced to formally enshrine the rights of Canadians to die by M.A.i.D., the Justice Minister and the Health Minister should be required on a case by case basis to review applications for M.A.i.D. and either approve or deny the applications on a case by case basis.

Anyways, it will be intereting to see what happens with this. I’m sure that the government has some sort of legal immunity to having to respond to the BCHRT.

Politics and the Imaginary Friend Brigade.

Religion and religious nutcases will always be one of the major hindrances to the advancement of the human race.

Sure, I could understand the need for religion five to ten thousand years ago when the human brain was able to observe so many “miracles” in the world but couldn’t understand these “miracles”.

Having an imaginary friend to explain away these miracles would have keep our species from going insane.

Sadly, the human race finds itself at a cross roads. A cross roads where modern technology helps charlatans spread the bullshit mythology of the past as if it holds some value in the present.

Religious bullshit is being used to strip away the rights of women in America.

Religious bullshit is being used to sweep in a new era of white supremacy in America.

Religious bullshit is being used to deny the rights of the GLBTQ in America.

Religious bullshit is being used by the religious minority to force the “teachings” of their imaginary friends upon the majority.

And Canada is not immune to this religious nonsense.

The American religious right and the American evangelicals funnel dark money and grey money into Canada in an effort to upend our political systems in an effort to hang on to their bigotry under the guise of religious freedom.

And it’s that interference which led the the Liberal Party of Canada, specifically Ajax MP, Mark Holland, the Minister of Health, backing away from the requirement to provide Medical Assistance in Dying for those suffering from mental health issues.

It’s quite alarming to see t Justin Trudeau, Mark Holland, Hedy Fry, and the rest of the Liberal Party of Canada bend a knee and grovel at the feet of the religiously unhinged in this country.

If you’re religious, and if you believe in the imaginary friend in the sky, and you don’t like the idea of M.A.i.D., don’t get M.A.i.D.. Pretty simple concept.

Does this alter my time of death?

No.

I’m still aiming for late 2024 early 2025.

This just means that now I have to treat this as a D.I.Y. project, or that I have to go to a jurisdiction in the world that allows M.A.i.D. for mental illness.

62 days to go

Well, it’s 62 days until I go visit my physician and ask him to assist me with making my formal application for Medical Assistance in Dying.

I think my doc is getting cold feet. I hope that he doesn’t chicken out. That would really fuck things up for me.

No, I don’t want more meds.

No, I don’t want fucking group hug basket weaving therapy.

No, I don’t want to explore my chakras or sing medieval healing chants.

Forever sleep and forever peace is what I want.

And I think after all that I’ve been through in life that I deserve to go to sleep to escape this constant never ending cycle of depression, anxiety, and never ending memories.

68 days to go.

So, it’s 68 days until I make my application for MAiD.

Sorry to disappoint, but my videos are probably going to get a lot more centred around death, after all it is my goal.

To escape and to be free.

Technically I won’t be able to enjoy my new found freedom, but that’s only becuase I’ll be dead.

What I won’t be is hounded by the past.

A past that I never asked for.

A past that had been obscured to me even though I had lived through it and suffered greatly becuase of it.

It’s weird, the closer I get to March 22nd, the more relaxed I become.

Now, of course the 22nd of March is when I make my application, not when I actually undergo the proceedure.

I’m hoping that I can undergo the procedure within a year of making my application.

That said, I’m going to start pivoting my blog away from the Canadian Armed Forces and anything related to the Canadian Forces Base Namao.

So far as the class action goes, c’est la vie. It’s in the hands of the lawyers and the hands of the Department of Justice, so I’m not going to waste any time with that any more.

Anyways, here’s a new video for your viewing enjoyment……

Adverse Childhood Experiences

I normally don’t do self-help psychobable tests.

One of the problems that I’ve always had is answering these things truthfully as I had always been told as a kid to answer these types of tests with whatever I thought that the person administering the tests wanted to hear.

And besides, as a kid I had it drilled into my head that the abuse that I endured on Canadian Forces Base Namao was because I was an out of control homosexual. So of course I wasn’t going to answer anything correctly.

So, I gave this test a quick go, and I think I aced the ACEs test pretty well.

I scored a perfect 10 out of 10 on this test, and I didn’t even have to study for it.

I’m pretty sure that’s not actually a good thing.

This is me. Don’t be alarmed.
ace-questionnaire-for-adults-identified-english-rev.7.26.22Download

This one’s from California, but they all generally ask the same questions.

The only one that I really couldn’t answer is #6. I know that Richard had been in the brig at Stadacona before I was born. His service file doesn’t say for what. I don’t honestly know if he had ever been locked up after I was born. Makes me wonder if any of his “training exercises” were actually 1 or 2 week sentences.

Anyways, I’m hungry, so I’m going out to get something to eat.

Interests.

In this video I talk interests.

I’ve had interests in life. But they were always the wrong interests and I had these interests for all of the wrong reasons.

I wish that things in life had been different when I was a kid.

But they weren’t, so I can only live in the shadows of the aftermath and the destruction.