depression – Page 21

The adventure begins.

So, tomorrow I go in and get my blood withdrawn for my baseline.

Who knew that playing with hormones could be so interesting.

If everything goes as planned then I should start hormone therapy in a couple of weeks.

Still really don’t know what to expect, but it should be interesting.

On a different note, I can only wonder what I should have been doing with my life all of this time.

I honestly don’t like technical work. It’s something that I can do, but it’s not something that I really like.

But I do have the ability to read. And my ability to reason is very good.

Not bad for a grade 8 dropout, eh?

I just finished the upgrade project for the mixing boxes in the operating rooms. The old mixing boxes were obsolete, parts were unavailable, and the controls for them were unreliable and obsolete.

So, I went ahead and sourced out some brand new Price mixing boxes with integrated PIC controls.

The project got delayed a few months, but it was finally completed two weeks ago.

I’ve never worked with BACnet before earlier this year when I installed my first BACnet system to monitor a bunch or room temperatures in one for the buildings to economize the use of steam.

Since installing my first BACnet network back around March, I’ve expanded this to seven BACnet networks. The interesting thing about using the MSA BACnet routers is that I can log into the equipment no matter where I am in the world.

This screen shows the BACnet devices on the Operating Room network, network #11302. These are all of the brand new mixing boxes that were installed to replace the obsolete mixing boxes that were causing problems.

And the below shots show some of the information available from the mixing boxes.

I can do this work, but it’s not something that brings me any type of happiness or joy. In fact this brings me some discomfort.

See, there are a lot of guys at work that think that I’m an asshole and that I’m not teaching them this stuff because I want to make them look bad.

I never went to trade school, I never went to technical college, I never went to fucking anywhere to learn this stuff. No one taught me this shit. I just fucking read. Read and use some fucking logic.

I didn’t want to end up a power engineer. But power engineering was the only thing available to a person like me to keep me from a life of welfare wage jobs and intermittent homelessness.

I honestly have no fucking idea of what I wanted to do with my life. I was never supposed to have been alive at this point.

And with a non-stop chorus of my father and Captain Totzke screaming and yelling in my head, along with my never ending battles with major depression and severe anxiety, I don’t think that any options would have ever really been open for me.

I can only wonder what could have been my potential.

Saturday April 6th, 2024

On Monday I’m back to work.

It’s been a fun 15 days away from work.

Still have 20 days left of vacation time.

I think the first 7 days I barely got out of bed.

Dreamland is such a pleasant place to visit, so much nicer than reality.

The rest of the time I was getting out of bed super, super late.

Tuesday I’ve got an appointment with my nurse practitioner. I’ll have a pretty interesting decision to make.

He’s kinda apprehensive. He wants to know if I’ve ever had any involvement in the trans community before. I told him that I had been involved with some groups in the mid ’00s, but the fact that I’m a socially isolated loner meant that I didn’t stick around them for too long.

Beside, I don’t want to transition into a woman. I want to transition into neither. Not male. Not female.

Sex has been an unmitigated disaster for me.

To officially be neither, but to have bits of both intrigues me.

My NP has warned me that I’m pretty old and my masculine features are pretty hard set. I told him that I’m fine with that, that I’m not looking to be female. I just don’t want anything associated with male.

He cautioned me that people might not be too accepting.

I’m covered in tattoos from head to toe.

I have a lot of facial piercings.

I wear dresses and heels.

I work with trades that are normally dominated by “Real Manly Men….. Grrrrrr(tm)(c)”

At work I put up with people who won’t give me the time of day due to the way I am.

Having breasts and less muscle mass isn’t going to be much of a game changer for me.

And really, I’ve seen guys with bigger breasts than I intend to have. They usually call those “Molson Man Tiddies”…… but I digress.

The NP says that there is a risk of blood clot and stroke with taking oral or intramuscular Estrogen at my stage in life. Fine, dermal patch it will be.

The lawyers are still working away on the class action, nothing to report on that front.

I am beginning to accept that the DOJ and the DND will succeed in their endeavour to hide this mess from the public.

Sometimes I wonder if things would have been better off and if I listened to Richard’s warning to me about sticking my nose into this shit. Sure, knowing the truth about Canadian Forces Base Namao is one thing. But knowing the truth really hasn’t changed anything. Pedophiles and child molesters who had successful careers in the Canadian Armed Forces prior to 1998 and who got away with their crimes due to the 3-year-time-bar flaw and the summary investigation flaw get to enjoy their retirement knowing that they can’t ever be touched by military or civilian tribunals. And the victims of these perverts get laughed at by the Canadian Armed Forces and the Department of National Defence because neither of these agencies can be compelled by any civilian authority to admit that these flaws impacted children living on the bases.

Until next time……..

DNA

So, I bit the bullet last week and I ordered an Ancestry DNA test.

I’ve always been kinda curious about my lineage.

According to my father, I’m my Uncle Al’s son.

But then again, according to Richard I’m Bill Parker’s son.

So, it’ll be interesting to see what comes back.

There are pictures of my brother and I as kids.

He has the same skin tone and brown eyes like my grandmother.

Me?

I look like my mother, and so does my brother.

But he also looks like he has First Nations blood.

Me, not so much.

My father was a horndog that would literally fuck anything that moved.

I’ll be interested to see if I get any hits for half-brothers and half-sisters that I didn’t know about.

He was with the Royal Canadian Navy for 6 years before he remustered into the airforce after the unification of the Canadian Forces in 1968.

But even when he was with the airforce he was often away on training exercises.

So there’s no telling how many panties he dropped.

And the thing with being in the Canadian Forces back then is when he said that he was going away on training exercises, did he really go away on training exercises?

Or were his “weekend training exercises” just panty raids.

But other than discovering how far and wide my old man distributed his tadpoles, I’m really curious about the maternal side of my family.

As I’ve said previously, I more or less know about the paternal side of my family. My paternal grandmother raised my brother and I for about 6 years of our lives as kids.

I did meet my paternal grandfather, albeit only for a few weeks over the 1982 xmas holidays.

I met both of my paternal uncles, uncle Doug and uncle Norman.

I met two of my paternal grandmother’s brothers, Uncle Jimmy and Uncle Johnny.

I even met my paternal grandmother’s sister, Aunt Karen.

So far as the maternal side of my family, I only vaguely remember uncle Al. I never would see uncle Al again after my father was posted from CFB Shearwater to CFB Summerside.

It will be interesting to see what comes up.

Resting Bitch Face………

I’ve come to the realization that I suffer from a bad case of “Resting Bitch Face”.

Here’s an album of my “Resting Bitch Face” in Canada, America, and Iceland…..

What causes Resting Bitch Face?

Probably a life time of being dead on the inside.

It’s hard at work because I gotta fake a smile all the time otherwise people seem to think that I’m going to snap.

It’s not that I hate or despise perky people. I just don’t feel the need to run around all day with an insane grin on my face.

In my house there was no need to smile.

The best thing around grandma, Richard, or Sue was to just adopt a blank face.

And growing up keeping a blank face also work at school as it kept the other kids and the teachers from knowing that anything was wrong at home.

When I went to the Westfield program in Edmonton from June 1982 to March 1983 we had to talk about our “feelings”. We also had to do “temperature check” every morning before classes so that we could express our feelings and emotions.

This did not go over well with me. I hated it. I hated talking about feelings.

Richard, Grandma, and the events of CFB Namao had killed off just about every emotion that I ever had.

Even to this day the worst thing that you could do is ask me to express emotions, or talk about my feelings, of talk about personal things.

“You don’t like to talk about personal things?”

Get the fuck outta here!

What the fuck is this blog then?

This blog is therapy and a testament.

Besides, I talk about what I want to talk about when I want to talk about it.

But Bobbie, you gotta talk about your feelings if you want to get better……..

Nope.

That’s not how this works.

You don’t get to ignore the past and then wash your hands of my dysfunction by further blaming me for being me.

Don’t forget, a lot of my dysfunction didn’t come from bad personal choice. Almost all of my dysfunction can be traced back directly to bad decisions made by members of the Canadian Armed Forces.

You didn’t honestly think that what I endured wasn’t going to have an effect on me, did you?

And blaming me for the dysfunction wasn’t going to cure me.

I think that this may be one of the reasons that I embraced an eccentric manner of dressing, what I lack on the inside I cover up with nice colours, patterns, and designs on the outside.

30 years is a long time………..

I was told by both the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service and Alberta Crown Prosecutor Jon Weribicki that 30 years was just too long of a time for me to expect any charges to be brought against the babysitter. In fact Mr. Weribicki hinted that I was the master of my own misfortune as I waited so long to tell anyone, something that he considered to be “very significant”.

Well, recently there were two stories about men having been arrested recently for having molested children in the ’80s and ’90s.

When I sent my email to the Edmonton Police Service in March of 2011, that was almost 31 years after the events from CFB Namao came to a crashing end with me having been caught with the 14-3/4 year old babysitter’s penis in my 8 year old asshole.

I wonder if it had more to do with either the incompetence of the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service or the desire to hide secrets that kept the CFNIS from laying charges. Two retired Supreme Court justices, Madame Marie Deschamps, and Mrs. Louise Arbour have called the military police, including the CFNIS incompetent when it comes to sexual assaults.

In fact, it was Louise Arbour who pushed the Minister of National Defence to hand over all sexual assault investigations to the civilian police effective immediately. However, mine was one of 31 sexual assault investigations that the CFNIS were allowed to keep.

If you pay attention to the media you’ll notice that it’s not uncommon to hear about arrests and prosecutions for child sexual assaults that occurred in the ’60s, ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s.

Yet, even though the CFNIS in 2011 had the 1980 CFSIU investigation paperwork and the 1980 Court Martial transcripts which indicated that it was my babysitter’s known abuse of younger children on the base which led to the investigation of Captain Father Angus McRae, the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service in 2011 just couldn’t find any evidence to indicate that the babysitter was capable of doing what I accused him of.

If you ask me, the inability of the CFNIS had nothing to do with the inability of me to make my case. It had more to do with the Canadian Armed Forces not wanting to have to answer questions in the modern day for fuck-ups from the past.

Fuck-ups like:

Why were commanding officers like Colonel Daniel Edward Munro given the power to decide the charges brough against their subordinates.
Why were commanding officers like Colonel Daniel Edward Munro allowed to determine the scope and depth of military police and CFSIU investigations
Why weren’t the Royal Canadian Mounted Police brought in to deal with the babysitter who close to 15 years of age when he was discovered buggering me.
How many other former military dependents from CFB Namao who were molested by the babysitter and by Canadian Armed Forces officer Captain Father Angus McRae came forward over the years with complaints about sexual abuse.
The three-year-time-bar and the summary-investigation-flaw. Yes, the Canadian Armed Forces yammer on about these flaws only applying to service offences, but don’t forget Captain McRae was given a court martial in 1980 for molesting the babysitter. Corporal Donald Joseph Sullivan was given a courts martial in 1984 for molesting kids on CFB Gagetown. So yes, the 3-year-time-bar and the summary-investigation-flaw do apply to child sexual abuse matters.

Anyways, I’ve got other things on my plate coming up. The Canadian News Media has all but given up on this story. I don’t think that the Canadian public will ever know the truth about the child sexual abuse that occurred on the bases in Canada, nor the homophobia and victim blaming that abused children endured on the bases.

BCHRT Update

In 2015 the Supreme Court of Canada issued its decision in the CARTER matter.
The Supreme Court of Canada said this:
“of no force or effect to the extent that they prohibit physician-assisted death for a competent adult person who (1) clearly consents to the termination of life and (2) has a grievous and irremediable medical condition (including an illness, disease or disability) that causes enduring suffering that is intolerable to the individual in the circumstances of his or her condition.”

The Government of Canada agreed with this decision and prmossied to introduce legislation to allow competent adults suffering from Mental Illness to receive assistance in having their lives terminated.

It’s now 11 years after the decision, and the Government of Canada still insists on denying me the right to end my life with the assitance of a trained professional. The Government of Canada has just added an additional 3 years of suffering to my life. And there’s no indication that in 2027 the Government will finlly allow me to obtain the peace that I desire.

The BCHRT

So, missed work again today.

Just couldn’t muster enough strength or energy to get out of bed.

I did manage though to file a complaint against the Federal Government for their faiure to provide Medical Assistance in Dying to persons suffering from mental illness.

I specifically named Justin Trudeau, Mark Holland, and Arif Virani. Justin Trudeau is the head of the Canadian Government. Mark Holland is the Minister of Health, and Arif Virani is the Minister of Health.

Some may say “Bobbie, isn’t this a bit harsh? They’re only looking out for Canadians”.

No, they’re playing politics.

They’re putting the electability of their party ahead of the needs of persons suffering from mental illness.

Canadian society turns a blind eye to the number of easily prevented deaths on the public streets in the name of car driver convienience. Mandaroty GPS based speed limiters and a 20 km/h blanket speed limit in any municipal area would cut the amount of deaths on the public streets by at least 3/4.

Canadian society turns a blind eye to the ever increasing death toll from illicit drugs because the law ‘n’ order crowd says it must be so.

I no longer want to be burdened by brain crushing depression, anxiety, and never ending memories of the abuse, neglect, and degredation of my childhood and the bible thumpers jump up and down that suffering is good for the human soul and that their imaginary friend would be sad if I died.

On the complaint submission the form asks what you expect to see as a resolution. I basically said that until legislation is introduced to formally enshrine the rights of Canadians to die by M.A.i.D., the Justice Minister and the Health Minister should be required on a case by case basis to review applications for M.A.i.D. and either approve or deny the applications on a case by case basis.

Anyways, it will be intereting to see what happens with this. I’m sure that the government has some sort of legal immunity to having to respond to the BCHRT.

Politics and the Imaginary Friend Brigade.

Religion and religious nutcases will always be one of the major hindrances to the advancement of the human race.

Sure, I could understand the need for religion five to ten thousand years ago when the human brain was able to observe so many “miracles” in the world but couldn’t understand these “miracles”.

Having an imaginary friend to explain away these miracles would have keep our species from going insane.

Sadly, the human race finds itself at a cross roads. A cross roads where modern technology helps charlatans spread the bullshit mythology of the past as if it holds some value in the present.

Religious bullshit is being used to strip away the rights of women in America.

Religious bullshit is being used to sweep in a new era of white supremacy in America.

Religious bullshit is being used to deny the rights of the GLBTQ in America.

Religious bullshit is being used by the religious minority to force the “teachings” of their imaginary friends upon the majority.

And Canada is not immune to this religious nonsense.

The American religious right and the American evangelicals funnel dark money and grey money into Canada in an effort to upend our political systems in an effort to hang on to their bigotry under the guise of religious freedom.

And it’s that interference which led the the Liberal Party of Canada, specifically Ajax MP, Mark Holland, the Minister of Health, backing away from the requirement to provide Medical Assistance in Dying for those suffering from mental health issues.

It’s quite alarming to see t Justin Trudeau, Mark Holland, Hedy Fry, and the rest of the Liberal Party of Canada bend a knee and grovel at the feet of the religiously unhinged in this country.

If you’re religious, and if you believe in the imaginary friend in the sky, and you don’t like the idea of M.A.i.D., don’t get M.A.i.D.. Pretty simple concept.

Does this alter my time of death?

No.

I’m still aiming for late 2024 early 2025.

This just means that now I have to treat this as a D.I.Y. project, or that I have to go to a jurisdiction in the world that allows M.A.i.D. for mental illness.

62 days to go

Well, it’s 62 days until I go visit my physician and ask him to assist me with making my formal application for Medical Assistance in Dying.

I think my doc is getting cold feet. I hope that he doesn’t chicken out. That would really fuck things up for me.

No, I don’t want more meds.

No, I don’t want fucking group hug basket weaving therapy.

No, I don’t want to explore my chakras or sing medieval healing chants.

Forever sleep and forever peace is what I want.

And I think after all that I’ve been through in life that I deserve to go to sleep to escape this constant never ending cycle of depression, anxiety, and never ending memories.

68 days to go.

So, it’s 68 days until I make my application for MAiD.

Sorry to disappoint, but my videos are probably going to get a lot more centred around death, after all it is my goal.

To escape and to be free.

Technically I won’t be able to enjoy my new found freedom, but that’s only becuase I’ll be dead.

What I won’t be is hounded by the past.

A past that I never asked for.

A past that had been obscured to me even though I had lived through it and suffered greatly becuase of it.

It’s weird, the closer I get to March 22nd, the more relaxed I become.

Now, of course the 22nd of March is when I make my application, not when I actually undergo the proceedure.

I’m hoping that I can undergo the procedure within a year of making my application.

That said, I’m going to start pivoting my blog away from the Canadian Armed Forces and anything related to the Canadian Forces Base Namao.

So far as the class action goes, c’est la vie. It’s in the hands of the lawyers and the hands of the Department of Justice, so I’m not going to waste any time with that any more.

Anyways, here’s a new video for your viewing enjoyment……