Well, it’s official, I’ve lost the media support that I’ve had for this matter.
Unfortunately David Pugliese appears to be the victim of a concerted smear campaign. And he’s gonna be swamped for the unforeseeable future.
I’m going to let Chat take the driver’s seat for a bit here:
🚨 Nature of Threats and Harassment
1. Death Threats
Following accusations in late October 2024 by former Conservative cabinet minister Chris Alexander that he had ties to the KGB, David Pugliese reported receiving death threats directed both at him and his family Yahoo News Canada+12CityNews Halifax+12theprogressreport.ca+12.
2. Deportation Scaremongering
Individuals have told his family members that they should leave the country or be deported — even though Pugliese and his relatives are Canadian citizens classic107.com.
3. Anonymized Attacks on Reputation
He has also endured anonymous attacks on his character, slurs implying disloyalty, and repeated questioning of his integrity in social and political commentary LinkedIn+8The Maple+8readtheorchard.org+8.
Needless to say that David id going to be pre-occupied for the next little while.
For the last couple of years David’s been promising to sit down with me, but things always keep coming up and nothing seems to ever gel. But David has written articles about me in the past, specifically my struggles with DND and the CAF to get my hands on captain McRae’s court martial transcripts as well as the Canadian Forces Special Investigations Unit paperwork related to the investigation of captain McRae for committing “acts of homosexuality with young boys on the base”.
I told David that unfortunately my anxiety levels and my depression levels get hammered when dates come and go, so I suggested that we hold off on any type of interviews or communications until March of 2027 as that will hopefully be the beginning of the closing chapter of my life.
It would be nice to sit down at that point in time and see what my perspective is at that point in time.
I had contact with various other news agencies, media outlets, and reporters and none could have shown any concern in the slightest.
You would think that a child sexual abuse scandal on a Canadian Forces Base that involved over 25 children who were sexually abused by an officer of the Canadian Armed Forces and his teenage accomplice would have garnered some interest in the media.
Nope.
Not a single bit of interest at all.
Sure, you’ll get the some media outlets claiming that “we ran the press release from the lawyers, what more do you want?”.
Well, it’d be nice to talk about the number of bases we had in Canada back then. That Angus Alexander McRae wasn’t the only kiddie diddling catholic priest that had been given an officer’s commission by the Canadian Forces and allowed free access to children living on restricted defence establishments.
It would be nice to talk about the lack of care or protection that children had on the bases. Or how dysfunctional households were ignored or simply transferred to other bases to get rid of the problems. Or how the CAF and the DND have always viewed military dependents living on the bases as “being their at their own risk”.
It would be nice to talk about how the incompetent military police and CFSIU that couldn’t protect women in the military from sexual assault was just as worthless at protecting the children whom lived on the bases in Canada.
It would be nice to talk about how flaws in the pre-1998 National Defence Act have allowed the Canadian Armed Forces to pretend that child sexual abuse never occurred on the bases prior to 1998 and that children were never sexually abused by members of the Canadian Armed Forces on defence establishments.
The CBC didn’t care.
The Passionate Eye didn’t care.
The National didn’t care
Global News didn’t care.
16X9 didn’t care.
CTV didn’t care.
W5 didn’t care.
L’Actualite didn’t care.
Macleans didn’t care.
Rogers Media didn’t care.
The Canadian Press didn’t care.
The Edmonton Journal didn’t care.
Even Scott Taylor’s Esprit de Corps didn’t care.
I’ve had some people express something of interest in the past.
There’s Jennifer Tryon.
There’s Jenn Blair. She sorta ran with my story. But when Jenn was replaced by Rachel Ward all of the interview materials were scrapped by Rachel. Rachel trivialized the whole issue and wrote it off as a non-issue better handled as an “interactive time line”. Rachel even got extremely pissed off at me when I informed her that then Vice co-chair of the Defence Committee Randal Garrison had obtained testimony from Lt. Gen. Christine Whitecross during a committee hearing that the CFNIS always hand off child sexual abuse investigations to the civilian authorities. This of course is not what happened in my matter. The CFNIS grabbed my investigation away from the civilian authorities and then ran the investigation into the ground.
Claude Adams was adamant that what I had been telling him couldn’t be true because if the brass tried to bury the sexual abuse of his kids, why he’d just go marching right down town to the city police and have the civilian police deal with it. Yeah Claude, that’s not going to happen in this lifetime.
So, you’re probably not going to hear a lot from me in the media over the next little while.
As I mentioned I did tell David that we should probably plan on talking in March of 2027.
I truly and honestly cannot keep going on with this.
When Medical Assistance in Dying for mental health reasons becomes available on March 17th, 2027 I intend to be one of the first applicants.
Of course there’s still the chance that the disabled rights groups in this country will hijacked by the far right conservatives and manipulated to take to the streets in a thinly veiled astroturf campaign to stop the government from forcing the disabled to undergo M.A.i.D. in order to save costs.
The irony about the far right using the disabled is that the far right have never cared about this disabled, the marginalized, or the impoverished.
I’m tired.
Considering what I’ve gone through in this life, if I want to die in order to put an end to the daily misery and the overwhelming pointlessness, that should be a choice that I’m allowed to make.
And being as smart as I am is a double edged sword.
Sure, it’s kept me from a life of drugs on the street, but it’s also masked my suffering. People don’t see my daily suffering. They just see what I can do and they choose to ignore what I’ve gone through or what I am going through.
Justice?
“It was a different time back then”
“There were different mindsets”
“People’s attitudes were different”
Even in the modern day government entities such as the Department of Justice are trying to deal with me using the prevailing attitudes of the day from back then.
“The Canadian Forces are not responsible for the illegal activities of their service members”
“Military dependents such as spouses and children live in the military housing on military bases solely at their own risk”
From what I’ve seen of the Department of Justice both in my interactions with the DOJ in Federal Court in 2013 and my current day interactions with the DOJ, truth and justice are the least of their concerns. Their goal is to dodge and deflect and keep the government of Canada from owning up to the messes the National Defence Act created on military bases across Canada.
The DOJ knows from the records that I submitted in 2013 painted the 2011 CFNIS investigation into my complaints against the babysitter as a very flawed investigation, but the DOJ fought me tooth and nail.
Even after the Military Police Complaints Commission confirmed in 2019 that the CFNIS had in its possession the 1980 CFSIU investigation paperwork and the 1980 Courts Martial transcripts that confirmed that the military police, the CFSIU, Captain McRae commanding officer, and the Courts Martial panel all knew that it was the actions of the babysitter molesting younger children living on base that eventually brought Captain McRae to the attention of the CFSIU, the DOJ still wants to lean heavily upon the 2011 CFNIS investigation.
Am I going to stick it out with the DOJ until a settlement is reached?
I can’t see that happening.
Will a settlement bring closure?
Definitely not.
There is no dollar figure that will undo the suffering that I have endured over the last 45 years. The suffering has festered and metastasized. And you can sure as hell bet that as part of any settlement the DND and the DOJ will require very strict NDAs to be signed and the settlement, if reached, will portray the DND as having been very shocked and concerned about this one time anomaly in the military justice system.
And people want me to move on and just get over it?
Imagine being sexually abused so badly that within 2 years of the abuse ending you’re supposed to be locked up in a psychiatric hospital for emotionally disturbed children.
Imagine your father and your military social worker conspiring to move you from one jurisdiction in Canada to another jurisdiction in Canada to avoid your apprehension by social services. An apprehension that is being driven by the concerns of social services of your father’s anger issues and your safety within your father’s house.
Major Depression.
Severe Anxiety.
Haphephobia.
Sure, my father’s anger and my father’s temper and my father’s physical abuse helped me to learn how to mask this shit, but it’s alive and well.
Politicians?
Dr. Hedy Fry, the MP for Vancouver Centre absolutely refuses to become involved in my matter stating that “there are no military bases in the riding of Vancouver Centre”.
Avi Lewis, the candidate for the NDP in Vancouver Centre has no opinion on child sexual abuse in the Canadian Armed Forces or Medical Assistance in Dying. Or at least I don’t know if he does as I’ve never heard from him after filling out a memo form at his constituency office on Hornby St. near my dentist.
Health Care professionals
Even my current nurse practitioner is beginning to cause me to have some concern. When I first started seeing him around 2021 he assured me that he would be willing to help me apply for M.A.i.D. in 2023 and 2024.
In recent conversation though I feel that his questions seemed to be geared toward me having been “cured” with the escitalopram and the hormone therapy.
The escitalopram just takes the edge off the depression and the anxiety. I still wake up various times every night grinding my teeth. The depression is still there as I can sleep for days on end with absolutely no desire to get out of bed.
Hobbies?
Nothing appeals to me.
In 2015 I made contact with my babysitter <P.S.> and his father <J.S.>. It was actually <J.S.> that I spoke to first.
<J.S.> loved his son. <J.S.> needed his son.
The fact that <P.S.> sexually abused children on CFB Namao, CFB Petawawa, CFB Winnipeg, and CFB Namao again didn’t phase <J.S.> nor did the fact that <P.S.> continued to molest children well after the DND and the CAF kicked <P.S.> out of the military housing in 1985. None of this mattered to <J.S.>. He blamed the military for what had happened to his son. His son would have been fine if the military had looked after him.
My father? Yeah, Richard died in January of 2017 never acknowledging that he was wrong for having blamed me for “fucking with is military career”. Richard never apologized for having blamed me for “allowing the babysitter to molest Scott”. And Richard never did apologize for not protecting me from the desires of the Canadian Armed Forces and the malpractice of Captain Terry Totzke.
Media?
Except for a very few stories, no one gives a shit.
I had always thought that a story like mine, a story where I lay out how the documented flaws in the pre-1998 National Defence Act have such a horrific impact on modern day CFNIS investigations into past events on Canadian Forces Bases in Canada.
The media often ask “but Bobbie, if this was happening, where are all of the other victims? Surely you’re not the only one who got abused on the bases”. This is usually accompanied by massive eye rolling on the reporter’s behalf.
I myself would never have gone on a deep dive like I did except for when master corporal Christian Cyr opened his trap on May 3rd, 2011 and told me about Captain Father Angus McRae’s involvement in this matter.
I don’t know why Cyr did this. Master corporal Robert John Hancock was more discreet during our interview at VPD headquarters in March of 2011. He didn’t come out and blurt anything about McRae, he just kept asking over and over again “if there was anything else I wanted to talk about, anything the might be connected to this matter”.
I guess the problem with Cyr was that when he was handed the file he must have concluded that I was a money grubber just out to make a quick buck or two off the military so he decided that he wasn’t going to mince words and he was going to let me know point blank that he knew the truth about 1980 and that I was scamming the military.
What he probably didn’t anticipate is that due to the use of alcohol, I have no memories of what occurred at the base chapel after I was given the “sickly sweet grape juice”, and he probably didn’t anticipate the internet providing me with access to the lawsuit between my babysitter and the DOJ from back in 2001 when my former babysitter sued the Minister of National Defence for his abuse at the hands of Captain McRae.
If master corporal Christian Cyr had just kept his fucking mouth shut I never would have gone digging into the whole captain father Angus McRae matter on CFB Namao, which never would have led to me obtaining my social service records from across Canada, and so on.
If master corporal Christian Cyr had just kept his knowledge of CFSIU DS-120-10-80 and CM 62 to himself, then when the CFNIS told me in November of 2011 that “they just couldn’t find any evidence to indicate that the babysitter was capable of what I accused him of”, I would have left if there.
And I think that in the majority of CFNIS investigation the investigators with the CFNIS are able to keep their cards close and to keep their poker faces on, unlike Cyr. So most victims of military child sexual abuse never get an inkling that the investigation into the complaints was nothing more than a “dog ‘n’ pony show”.
Has the media shown any concern at all that persons who were sexually abused on military bases prior to 1998 are unable to have charges laid against their abusers due to a statute of limitations in the pre-1998 National Defence Act that does not exist for persons who were sexually abused as children by members of the general public?
Nope.
The media couldn’t care less.
I’ve been trying to get the media interested in this story since 2012. 2021 was when I had enough of the facts together to present a story that should have started alarm bells ringing.
Nope.
Absolutely no interest.
Even in 2014, when Macleans was running their series of stories on sexual abuse in the military, not a single bit of interest. Actually, that’s not true, there was some interest, but that interest got dropped due to pressure from Macleans upper mgmt. I was supposed to stop in and have a meeting with Anne Marie Owens, but on the day of the meeting I showed up to Macleans and was told that she suddenly no longer worked at Macleans and that Macleans was now going in a completely different direction and that these stories were no longer an interest to Macleans.
And it’s not just Macleans, pretty well all of the media, including our so called “independent” media.
If you were to listen to the media in this country you’d swear that children never got sexually abused on base, that if they did, the military justice system would make everything right again.
Somehow the military justice system that couldn’t properly investigate rape against female service members was suddenly capable of investigating child sexual abuse?
Somehow the military justice system that failed miserably in Bosnia and Somalia due to chain of command interference was now somehow immune to chain of command influence when children were sexually abused on base?
The same military justice system that was under orders to ignore child sexual abuse committed by Afghan military forces in Afghanistan is suddenly free to investigate historical child sexual abuse on bases in Canada?
You would think that the media would show an interest.
nope.
nada.
zilch.
The usual excuses given by the media are some variation of “we’ve never heard of this before”, “where are all of the victims”, or ” the media spokesperson for DND and the CAF said that children were never sexually abused on base”.
But yeah, back to the original question posed by today’s prompt.
“Where do you see yourself in ten years?”
Dead for eight years and no longer bothered by this warped and twisted existence.
If you’ve been paying attention to the media you might have encountered a “don’t blink or you’ll miss it” news story from Murray Brewster of the CBC.
I had my first dealings with the Military Police Complaints Commission back in 2012 through 2013. And from my experience this is an agency that is intentionally set up to fail.
The MPCC is hamstrung by the rules that created it.
Why would the Department of National Defence, the Canadian Armed Forces, and the Canadian Forces Provost Marshal allow an agency to exist that would put their defective “justice system” in peril?
The DND and the CAF have fought long and hard to maintain their own separate justice system, and for good reason. It’s hard to maintain an air of dignity if the public learns that you have an epidemic of child sexual abuse on the bases.
The MPCC was created back in 1998 with the passing of Bill C-25, “An Act to make Amendments to the National Defence Act”.
But right from the word go, the DND and the CAF worked tirelessly to ensure that the MPCC would not pose a risk to their separate and distinct justice system.
That’s how we ended up with the following process to make a complaint.
How to make a complaint to the MPCC
If a person wishes to make a complaint against a CFNIS investigation, you can’t. Only members of the CFNIS or Military Police can make a complaint about an investigation.
And only members of the Canadian Armed Forces can make interference complaints.
Victims dissatisfied with a CFNIS investigation are limited to making a complaint against individuals. This isn’t accidental. This is intentional. You now have to figure out how to make a complaint against individual members of the CFNIS for their conduct even if there was nothing wrong with their conduct.
Being that members of the Canadian Armed Forces must obey the lawful commands of their superiors, what you allege as negligence or improper conduct may actually just be the results of lawful commands. And investigators with the CFNIS can’t be faulted for following lawful commands, can they now?
And because you can’t make a complaint against an investigation, you can’t make a complaint about the validity of those “lawful commands” as you’ll more than likely never know who gave those commands.
The most significant flaw with the MPCC review process is that you have to make your complaint to the Provost Marshal first.
Yes, this is the same Provost Marshal that will decide what documents to hand over to the MPCC and which documents will not be handed over to the MPCC.
This makes about as much sense as the police calling up a robbery suspect to tell them that they’re coming over in 2 hours to look for evidence of a robbery.
The Provost Marshal will then conduct a review via the Professional Standards section of the Canadian Forces Military Police Group.
Only after the Professional Standards group conducts their review and the Provost Marshal informs you of the results, can you then request a review from by the MPCC.
Requesting an MPCC Review.
You have 90 days after the review of the Professional Standards to request a review by the MPCC.
I would like to say that a review is a worthwhile endeavour, but quite frankly it isn’t.
An MPCC review is like pissing your pants. Sure, it brings you some relief, and it gives you a warm feeling. But when the warm feeling goes away, you’re wet and you stink like piss.
The problem with an MPCC review is that it is very powerless.
The MPCC cannot subpoena witnesses
The MPCC cannot subpoena documents
The MPCC cannot administer oaths
The MPCC didn’t really understand how the military police or the CFNIS operate as they have never (as per Stannard’s 2015 interview) been given documents that explain the operational hierarchy of the military police and the CFNIS, so they wouldn’t know what documents to request and who to request them from.
The MPCC can only review the documents handed to them by the Provost Marshal.
The MPCC are not allowed to share with the complainant the documents that the Provost Marshal supplied to the MPCC.
These points basically allow the Provost Marshal to hobble any MPCC investigation right from the start. And there’s nothing that the MPCC can do about it.
Yes, the MPCC could call for an Inquiry, but an MPCC Inquiry occurs just about as frequently as the birth of a unicorn.
The MPCC must obtain the consent of the Minister of National Defence in order to call an inquiry.
That’s not going to happen in a matter that has the potential to expose how the defective military justice system in the pre-1998 days was able to hide and bury military child sexual abuse on the bases, and how the modern day Military Police group can conduct “feel good” investigations that don’t accomplish anything but make the victim(s) think that the military police conducted a “real” investigation.
Remember, due to flaws in the pre-1998 National Defence Act, if you were a child living in military housing on a defence establishment, and you were molested by an active member of the regular force, you will never be able to lay charges against the former member due to either the 3-year-time-bar flaw or the summary investigation flaw.
Prior to 1998, it was the serving member’s commanding officer that was required to act as the Crown Prosecutor to decide if charges were warranted or not.
Prior to 1998 the military could not try a member for service offences if more than three years had elapsed between the date of the offence and the commencement of the tribunal.
In my matter the CFNIS knew about the intimate connection between my babysitter and the military chaplain, Captain Father Angus McRae.
And at the start of the investigation in March of 2011, Angus McRae was still alive. And the National Defence Act states that former members remain liable to be tried for service offences committed while they were active members.
But, the 3-year-time-bar and the summary investigation flaw would have out right prevented the laying of charges. And in the pre-1998 days, there was no language in the National Defence Act that allowed for service offences to bypass the required summary investigation by the commanding officer of the accused and simply be tried in civilian court.
A brief detour into the absurd.
Many reporters have been whamboozled by the military police and the CFNIS stating that there’s nothing stopping them from arresting someone for child molestation that was committed prior to 1998 and trying them in civilian court.
The general accepted practice for trying persons charged with committing historical crimes is that you have to charge them and try them as the law prescribed the offender to be charged and tried at the time.
Prior to 1998 when a member of the Canadian Armed Forces committed a Criminal Code offence while on duty and while on a defence establishment, the National Defence Act stated that these offences were to be tried as service offences with the specific exceptions of Murder, Manslaughter, and Rape prior to 1985, and Murder, Manslaughter, and Sexual Assault (not including crimes against children), between 1985 and 1998.
Members of the regular force are subjected to the Code of Service Discipline from the time they enlist until the time they are released, 24/7/365.
The Canadian Armed Forces, prior to 1998, could try for sexual crimes against children so long as “consent” was a possibility. This meant that the military could try a member for any sexual assault involving a child between the ages of 14 to 18.
If the military wished to proceed with charges related to children under the age of consent, those charges had to be tried in the civilian courts.
Any service charge of child sexual abuse that had been brought against a member of the Canadian Armed Forces had to be approved by the commanding officer of the accused.
The commanding officer had the full authority pre-1998 to dismiss ANY service offence charge that had been brought against a member of the Canadian Forces.
Gross indecency and indecent assault could easily become drunk and disorderly, or behaviour unbecoming. The offender gets punished, and the public doesn’t find out about a child sexual assault.
Take all the time you need to think about that.
Judicial Review
I’ve begun to realize that the laws in this country are written by naive politicians assuming that no one has anything to hide and everyone is interested in justice.
After I received the findings of the 2012 MPCC review that found the CFNIS in 2011 did a stellar and upstanding investigation I filed an application for Judicial Review with the Federal Court of Canada.
The nice thing about filing an application for Judicial Review is the Military Police Complaints Commission was compelled to hand over to men certified copies of the documents that were provided to the MPCC by the Provost Marshal.
The sad thing about filing an application for Judicial Review is realizing that the CFNIS fucked up the 2011 investigation beyond all comprehension and that there is literally nothing I can do to prove to the court that the CFNIS willfully withheld documents and information from the MPCC.
Remember, during an MPCC review, they don’t share with you any of the evidence that the Provost Marshal supplied to them.
And by the time you get to Judicial Review you are not allowed to introduce new evidence.
So you are literally fucked seven ways from Sunday.
Federal Court gives you the opportunity to give the Provost Marshal a polite “fuck you”, but other than that the Department of Justice will strike all “new” evidence that you introduce to prove that the CFNIS conducted an inept investigation.
Sure, you can approach the Supreme Court of Canada and ask them to review the admissibility of the new evidence and whether or not the MPCC should have known that they were being actively deceived.
But doing this is $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
What evidence was withheld actively withheld from the MPCC by the Canadian Forces Provost Marshal?
My social service records that indicated that my grandmother lived with us and raised my brother and I on CFB Namao
That I was in foster care due to major dysfunction in the household that stemmed from my father’s inability to accept responsibility for his family.
That I was suffering from mental health issues that are all standard indicators of child sexual abuse.
That I had a military social worker.
That my father’s statement to the CFNIS denying the presence of any babysitter or the knowledge of any sexual assaults was wrong as both Captain Totzke and my father blamed me exclusively for what had happened on the base and for the fact that I allowed the babysitter to molest my brother.
These were all important items as my father in his statement to the CFNIS claimed that there never was a babysitter, that his mother only briefly looked after my brother and I, and that my brother and I were never sexually abused.
It also turned out that the CFNIS scrubbed any and all mention of Canadian Armed Forces officer Captain Father Angus McRae from the investigation.
As part of my application for Judicial Review I gave my father a written examination. My father, when presented with excepts from my social service records and foster care records contradicted everything he said to the CFNIS in 2011.
The CFNIS had my social service records and my foster care records in 2011. The CFNIS could have easily called my father back in to ask him why his statement to the CFNIS didn’t come anywhere near to what my social service records and my foster care records revealed.
The second CFNIS investigation
In around August of 2015 I was contacted by RCMP inspector Akrum Ghadbhan. This was the result of a letter that I had sent to the RCMP Commissioner and the Minister of National Defence in which I mentioned the details of a recorded phone call that I had with the father of the babysitter.
Inspector Ghadbhan said that he had reviewed the CFNIS investigation and that it didn’t meet contemporary policing standards and that he was recommending that the CFNIS reopen the investigation with the new evidence that I had provided.
Evidence that I provided:
My father’s written examination to the Federal Court
My brother’s written examination to the Federal Court
Very specific excerpts from my social service paperwork and my foster care paperwork.
Details of my conversation with Fred R. Cunningham that occurred on November 27th, 2011.
A copy of the recorded phone call between myself and the babysitter’s father that occurred in July of 2015.
My grandmother’s vital stats.
My step grandfather’s vital stats.
Proof that I had told the CFNIS during my initial video interview in March of 2011 that I had attempted twice before to report this to the military police but that both times the military police refused to look at the matter citing the civilian status of my babysitter.
Proof that Captain Terry Totzke had extensive involvement with me in the aftermath of CFB Namao.
Sgt. Damon Tenaschuk of the CFNIS Pacific Region was given this case to investigate.
About the only thing outstanding about the second CFNIS investigation is when Sgt. Tenaschuk called me to let me know that he had obtained a copy of CFSIU DS-120-10-80 and that this document had the following to say:
What Fred Cunningham had told me on Nov. 27th, 2011 was the truth and that Fred was in a position to know what he had told me.
That much like I had told Mcpl Christian Cyr on May 3rd, 2011 about the visits to the chapel and the sickly sweet grape juice that Captain McRae openly admitted to the military police inn 1980 that he had brought numerous children over to the base chapel and that he would give them alcohol and that sometimes they’d fool around in the bedroom afterwards.
That the investigation of Captain McRae was only initiated AFTER the investigation of the babysitter due to numerous complaints of the babysitter molesting much younger children on the base.
That paperwork such as CFSIU DS-120-10-80 is only supposed to be retained for 7 years according to DND rules and the fact that it still existed in 2017 meant that it had been used within 7 years of McRae’s court martial, and then again within 7 years of the second use, and so on.
After this phone call I filed an ATI for the court martial transcripts and the CFSIU paperwork. DND fought me on this. I had to enlist the help of the Information Commissioner of Canada.
MPCC part 2
In early 2018 I received a phone call from Sgt. Tenaschuk stating that the Crown was not recommending charges.
So I filed another complaint with the MPCC.
This time around the Provost Marshal outright refused the request for a review implying that the review that occurred in 2012 was more than sufficient.
The MPCC commenced a review anyways.
This time I gave the MPCC copies of recorded phone calls, copies of emails, copies of the original video statement in which I explain what home life was like, and that I had tried to report this abuse twice before.
I also specifically mentioned the discussion Sgt. Tenaschuk and I had about Fred Cunningham, CFSIU DS-120-10-80, and DND’s outright refusal to grant me access to the investigation paperwork or the court martial transcripts.
I wasn’t expecting too much this time around.
But I think the MPCC realized just how badly the Provost Marshal fucked them over during the 2012 MPCC review.
The MPCC conducted their review of my complaint against Sgt. Tenaschuk and found that Sgt. Tenaschuk had followed the investigation framework as laid down by his superiors.
The MPCC didn’t make any mention of CFSIU DS-120-10-80 in relation to the investigation of my complaint against the babysitter, which would seem to indicate that it wasn’t in the documents that were handed over to the MPCC by the Provost Marshal.
The MPCC looks elsewhere.
The MPCC did however look at a parallel investigation in which the CFNIS was investigating the complaint of another former military dependent against the same babysitter. This investigation was being conducted by the CFNIS Western Region.
The MPCC went to great pains in the October 2020 final report to indicate that they looked at this parallel investigation just for curiosity.
It was during this look that they noticed that the CFNIS Wester Region had in its possession the infamous CFSIU DS-120-10-80 and the 1980 Courts Martial transcripts for Captain Father Angus McRae.
The Information Commissioner of Canada.
I had been involved with the Information Commissioner of Canada ever since DND first refused to release Captain McRae’s courts martial transcripts to me in 2012.
When DND refused to provide me with a copy of DS-120-10-80 in 2018 I enlisted the help of the ICC again.
The ICC wasn’t too hopeful of a resolution as DND and the CSIS are tied for being the government agencies most likely to stonewall ATI requests.
But in mid 2019 I was contacted by the ICC and told that DND had just granted access to the documents to another requestor, so I should refile my request, and that DND could not refuse to honour my request.
DND did release to me the documents.
They were so redacted that it was a joke.
It was almost as bad as the documents that the DOJ released to me about the settlement between the babysitter and the DND when the babysitter sued the DND for the abuse he endured on CFB Namao at the hands of Captain McRae.
David Pugliese
I had been trying to interest David in my story over the years, but there just weren’t any bites. To be honest, absolutely nobody in the media was willing to buy into the topic of child sexual abuse in the Canadian Forces or the fact that the military loves to hide and bury this stuff as much as possible.
It was sometime in the late winter / early spring of 2020 when David ran a story on DND stonewalling ATI requests. I contacted David and gave him the low down on what I was encountering.
David ran a couple of stories, and poof, I had my documents, this time with many fewer redactions. I got my documents around the late summer of 2020, just before the MPCC released their final review of my second complaint against the CFNIS.
The Courts Martial transcripts and the CFSIU investigation paperwork confirmed everything that I had been piecing together over the years.
The babysitter was a prolific child abuser
There were living quarters attached to the chapel
Captain McRae was known to be bringing children to the chapel and giving them alcohol.
The MPCC second review final report.
I now understand why the DND and the Minister of National Defence gave in so easily when David Pugliese started asking questions. The DND and the MOD both knew that the MPCC had obtained the Courts Martial transcripts and the CFSIU investigation paperwork.
And sure enough the MPCC mentioned both of these documents in its final report.
I received the final MPCC report in November of 2020.
The MPCC did take issue with the CFNIS for relying on the Crown’s reluctance to prosecute as an indication that no crime had occurred. The MPCC said that it was quite evident that I and my brother were victims of crime at the hands of the babysitter. The MPCC then explained the difference between civil liability and criminal liability. The CFNIS should never had said that there was no evidence to indicate a crime had occured. The CFNIS should have indicated that the evidence presented wasn’t enough to secure a conviction.
And as clipped as the wings of the MPCC are, they found a way to stick a dagger in the back of the Provost Marshal.
As mentioned, they looked at the parallel investigation into a complaint made by another former military dependent who had been abused by the babysitter.
That’s when the MPCC confirmed the existence of the courts martial transcripts and the CFSIU investigation paperwork.
The MPCC was the other requestor that the Information Commissioner had informed me had received a copy of the CFSIU investigation paperwork and the courts martial transcripts.
The Provost Marshal must have told the CFNIS in 2012 and the CFNIS in 2018 to withhold those documents from the MPCC.
And the MPCC wouldn’t have known any better, but they did go look at that parallel investigation, probably without informing the Provost Marshal, and lo-and-behold look at what they found.
They just couldn’t grab a copy of the documents from the CFNIS. Instead they’d have to file the required ATI. And when DND complied with that ATI request that would have triggered the Information Commissioner to call me to let me know that I too could now request a copy of the released documents and DND would be very hard pressed to deny me a copy.
The MPCC couldn’t include the contents of the CFSIU paperwork or the courts martial transcripts within the findings of my complaint as the Provost Marshal didn’t include a copy of these documents in their submissions to the MPCC in 2012 and 2018.
But the MPCC did include a separate section in the final report outside of the section that dealt with my complaint against Sgt. Tenaschuk that talked about these two documents and the contents.
The MPCC noted that Captain McRae was a prolific pedophile.
The MPCC noted that the investigation into Captain McRae was triggered by the base military police investigating the babysitter as the result of numerous parents on base complaining about the babysitter molesting young children.
The MPCC noted that the babysitter’s attraction to young children was used by Captain McRae’s defence officer as a means to discredit the babysitter.
The MPCC noted that the babysitter’s criminal record for molesting children was far more extensive than what the CFNIS had indicated to me.
The MPCC highlighted that the babysitter was known on one occasion when he was almost 15 years old to have had anal intercourse with three 10 year old boys behind the recreation centre.
The MPCC also noted that it was revealed during Captain McRae’s courts martial that the babysitter was receiving psychiatric treatment for his attraction to young children.
And more importantly, the MPCC reached all the way back to the 2011 CFNIS investigation and specifically the actions of Sgt. Christian Cyr.
On May 3rd, 2011, master corporal Christian Cyr contacted me and asked me if I knew anything about the base priest molesting children during the same period of time that I was accusing the babysitter of molesting my brother and I.
During the same phone call, master corporal Cyr tried in earnest to get me to believe that the babysitter was only 12 or 13 years old at the time and therefore couldn’t be charged under the juvenile delinquent’s act. During the 2012 MPCC review, Cyr denied telling me this information or asking me about Captain McRae. The 2012 MPCC review took issue with this as Cyr noted in his records that he did ask me these questions.
As the MPCC noted in the November 2020 Final Report, the only place that the mistake is made in regards to the babysitter’s age occurs within the CFSIU DS-120-10-80 investigation paperwork. That mistake in age exists nowhere else, especially not in the babysitter’s CPIC file.
The CFNIS would have run the babysitter’s name through the CPIC database at the start of the investigation in 2011 after the Edmonton Police Service transferred the file over to the CFNIS.
So yes, the CFNIS had the CFSIU investigation paperwork right from the start of the 2011 investigation, but their goal from the start was never to bring me justice.
The sole goal of the CFNIS in 2011 was to conduct a Dog and Pony show investigation.
But this house of cards collapsed all because one CFNIS investigator thought that he knew the truth and wanted to play Mr. Bigshot.
Class Action
And of course, without CFSIU DS-120-10-80, the transcripts from Courts Martial CM62 July 15 – July 18, 1980, and Captain McRae’s Ecclesiastical trial with the Archdiocese of Edmonton there wouldn’t be a class action.
Dog and Pony Show
I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now if master corporal Christian Cyr had just kept his mouth shut about what he knew about Captain McRae and Captain McRae’s connection to the babysitter.
When petty officer Steve Morris called me on November 4th, 2011 to tell me that the CFNIS could find no evidence to indicate that the babysitter was capable of what I accused him of, I probably would have left it at that.
If I hadn’t put the plea out on the base brat groups and been rewarded with Fred Cunningham’s number I never would have learnt first hand from the former Acting Section commander of the CFSIU, that had been personally tasked by the base security officer, Captain David Pilling, with investigating Captain McRae, just how large and extensive this scandal was.
I would never know about the babysitter’s two convictions for child molestation in 1985 if James hadn’t come forward in the spring of 2012 and pointed me right towards the specific newspaper article.
I would have just accepted the results of the Dog and Pony show CFNIS pretend investigation.
After all, captain Totzke and my father blamed me for what had happened on CFB Namao.
Maybe they were right.
Maybe my father was right when he said that it was no use me trying to escape my responsibility for what I had allowed to happen.
Provost Marshal
I will say this though, from my dealings with the Provost Marshal’s office way back in the days of Lieutenant Colonel Gilles Sansterre, the provost marshal is a trickster fox.
The provost marshal is the least believable character in the Canadian Armed Forces.
And the provost marshal will lie and obstruct without a second thought if it helps to keep the dirty laundry hidden in the closet.
I was told by both the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service and Alberta Crown Prosecutor Jon Weribicki that 30 years was just too long of a time for me to expect any charges to be brought against the babysitter. In fact Mr. Weribicki hinted that I was the master of my own misfortune as I waited so long to tell anyone, something that he considered to be “very significant”.
Well, recently there were two stories about men having been arrested recently for having molested children in the ’80s and ’90s.
When I sent my email to the Edmonton Police Service in March of 2011, that was almost 31 years after the events from CFB Namao came to a crashing end with me having been caught with the 14-3/4 year old babysitter’s penis in my 8 year old asshole.
I wonder if it had more to do with either the incompetence of the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service or the desire to hide secrets that kept the CFNIS from laying charges. Two retired Supreme Court justices, Madame Marie Deschamps, and Mrs. Louise Arbour have called the military police, including the CFNIS incompetent when it comes to sexual assaults.
In fact, it was Louise Arbour who pushed the Minister of National Defence to hand over all sexual assault investigations to the civilian police effective immediately. However, mine was one of 31 sexual assault investigations that the CFNIS were allowed to keep.
If you pay attention to the media you’ll notice that it’s not uncommon to hear about arrests and prosecutions for child sexual assaults that occurred in the ’60s, ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s.
Yet, even though the CFNIS in 2011 had the 1980 CFSIU investigation paperwork and the 1980 Court Martial transcripts which indicated that it was my babysitter’s known abuse of younger children on the base which led to the investigation of Captain Father Angus McRae, the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service in 2011 just couldn’t find any evidence to indicate that the babysitter was capable of doing what I accused him of.
If you ask me, the inability of the CFNIS had nothing to do with the inability of me to make my case. It had more to do with the Canadian Armed Forces not wanting to have to answer questions in the modern day for fuck-ups from the past.
Fuck-ups like:
Why were commanding officers like Colonel Daniel Edward Munro given the power to decide the charges brough against their subordinates.
Why were commanding officers like Colonel Daniel Edward Munro allowed to determine the scope and depth of military police and CFSIU investigations
Why weren’t the Royal Canadian Mounted Police brought in to deal with the babysitter who close to 15 years of age when he was discovered buggering me.
How many other former military dependents from CFB Namao who were molested by the babysitter and by Canadian Armed Forces officer Captain Father Angus McRae came forward over the years with complaints about sexual abuse.
The three-year-time-bar and the summary-investigation-flaw. Yes, the Canadian Armed Forces yammer on about these flaws only applying to service offences, but don’t forget Captain McRae was given a court martial in 1980 for molesting the babysitter. Corporal Donald Joseph Sullivan was given a courts martial in 1984 for molesting kids on CFB Gagetown. So yes, the 3-year-time-bar and the summary-investigation-flaw do apply to child sexual abuse matters.
Anyways, I’ve got other things on my plate coming up. The Canadian News Media has all but given up on this story. I don’t think that the Canadian public will ever know the truth about the child sexual abuse that occurred on the bases in Canada, nor the homophobia and victim blaming that abused children endured on the bases.
Because I wish to obtain Medical Assistance in Dying and because I post about it on social media, the algorithms keep filling my feed with posts that deal with M.A.i.D.
There are those who are convinced that the government’s intention with M.A.i.D. is to save money on mental health treatment by forcing people with mental illness to undergo M.A.i.D. instead of living on social assistance.
Others are convinced that the government is going to send white vans around in the cities of Canada to euthanize the homeless and the elderly.
One of the major problems that mental health care faces in Canada is that our general population is overwhelmed by American media. American media is dangerous in the fact that it pushes an imaginary economic reality that does not exist. Americans believe in low, low, low taxes. Which is why they have massive infrastructure problems, crappy schools, non-existent social safety nets, and almost non-existent health care. That, and America’s defence spending is completely out of control.
Fellow Canadians see the low taxes that Americans pay, and so they demand from our governments that we pay the same stupidly low taxes up here as they do down there.
Which is why our health care is crumbling. Which is why mental health care is almost non-existent. And which is why mental illness is vilified as being due to laziness and poor personal choices.
America has had homeless mentally ill people wandering the streets and living in tents on the street for years, like since back in the ’70s and ’80s. And this problem is coming up to Canada.
American style austerity is a cancer.
But Canadians love their low, low taxes and their cheap imported goods, so don’t look for any kind of funding increases any time soon.
A lot of disabled rights groups and mental health rights groups want mental illness yanked as one of the criteria for being able to access Medical Assistance in Dying.
But the problem with doing so is that you deny people such as me the right to end our lives as we see fit. You also ensure that I suffer mental pain for 10, 20, or even 30 more years.
Better mental health funding wouldn’t have done anything for me. As I’ve said before, I was a “dirty little secret” and my lack of mental health treatment was due to the desire for secrets to be kept from the Canadian public. No amount of public mental health funding was going to change that.
And having the government of Canada rescind the right of Canadians such as myself to avail ourselves to a humane and painless death at the time of our choosing isn’t going to increase the funding for mental health treatment and housing for persons with mental illness.
To get Canada on track again, Canadians would have to eschew American style disaster capitalism and embrace full democratic socialism. Canadians would have to learn to understand that higher taxes do lead to overall better outcomes as any of the Nordic or Scandinavian countries can attest.
But changes like that would take years, especially when you consider how much money American right wing think tanks pump into Canada on a yearly basis to try to convert us into a mini-USA.
I don’t know what the solution is for the time being.
As I’ve said, I make my application in March of this year. Hopefully I get my two assessments by no later than July. So hopefully I can undergo my procedure and cease living sometime in December of 2024 or early 2025.
I don’t want to be forced to suffer as a casualty in someone else’s war.
Banning M.A.i.D. for mental illness isn’t going to cause 500k new low income houses to be built.
Banning M.A.i.D. for mental illness isn’t going to cause 500k new assisted living homes to be built.
Banning M.A.i.D. for mental illness isn’t going to give those living with disabilities or mental illness $100k in yearly income assistance.
But banning M.A.i.D. for mental illness will prolong the suffering that persons like me have to endure, and I would envision that it would increase the number of suicide attempts and suicides as persons try to escape their pain and torment.
I don’t envy the struggle the mental health and disability advocates face, but please don’t fuck with my ability to die peacefully and painlessly.
Well, it’s four months to go until I see my nurse practitioner to engage the path for Medical Assitance in Dying.
The sense of calm that I have enjoyed since I first decided to avail myself to M.A.i.D. grows day by day.
It’s like the feeling you get when you’re doing a double shift at work and you’re dead tired and your bones ache and you can’t wait to get home and go to bed. You know it will all be over soon.
That’s the way it is with me.
My end is coming soon.
My end will be peaceful.
No trauma, no terror.
Again, it’s four months until my application, not four months until the proceedure.
At this point in time I have no idea of when I will be able to undergo the proceedure.
According to my lawyer, the Department of Justice is close to offering up a settlement.
My fear is that Captain McRae’s teenaged accomplice will be the only one to get any form of compensation.
I can see the DOJ arguing that it can only offer compensation to the victims of Captain McRae and not the victims of Captain McRae’s teenaged accomplice.
In 1980, contrary to the evidence on hand, Base Commander Colonel Daniel Edward Munro only forwarded the charges related to the babysitter to the court martial court. All other charges against Captain McRae were dropped.
Remember that this was in 1980. There was no military prosecutor to review the charges. The Provincial Crown wasn’t consulted. It was the commanding officer of the accused that reviewed the charges. McRae’s commanding officer was base commander Colonel Daniel Edward Munro.
No one will ever know if the investigation was interferred with back in 1980.
This was one of the concerns with the Somalia Inquiry, that the chain of command could exert influence over military police investigations due to the rank hierarchy in the military and the legal requirement for military personal to obey the lawful commands of their superiors. This is what led to significant changes to the National Defence Act in 1998 with the passing of Bill C-25 “An Act to Ammend the National Defence Act”.
Also, it was a chain of command decision in 1980 to not call the Royal Canadian Mounted Police in to deal with the babysitter thereby forever fucking the victims of both pedophiles.
Apparently the DOJ is working towards payments based on a table that was used for the Indian Residential School Settlements.
The problem with this is that it’s based upon a $10,000.00 payment for every child that went to Residential School. To claim more you had to provide verified proof that other events occured at school.
When I made my complaint to the Edmonton Police Service in 2011, it was kicked over to the CFNIS. The CFNIS even admitted in their paperwork that in 1980 this matter was the jurisdiction of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police as it was civilian on civilian.
The fact that the CFNIS had in their possession the CFSIU investigation paperwork from 1980 and the courts martial transcripts from 1980 would seem to indicate that I am not the first person to come forward with complaints against the babysitter.
This operation to gaslight me was far too smooth.
If it wasn’t for Master Corporal Christian Cyr telling me very specific information and asking me very specific questions, both of which only existed in CFSIU DS 120-10-80, I would never have had any proof.
If I was a gambling man I’d say that the CFNIS has investigated complaints against Captain McRae and the babysitter numerous time since 1998.
But with the legal inability to ever charge Angus McRae for crimes against children that occured prior to 1998 due to the three year time bar in the National Defence Act, the CFNIS, the Canadian Forces Military Police Group, and the Canadian Forces Provost Marshal more than likely have a well oiled script for dealing with these complaints that always, and without exception, just don’t have enough evidence to lay charges.
Sorry, better luck next time.
The CFNIS ran a very, very smooth gaslighting operation from the word go.
The goal of the investigation was to try to convince me that (a) the abuse never occured, (b) the abuse was very minor and trivial, (c) I was lying about the abuse.
When interviewing one of the other victims of the babysitter, the CFNIS asked this victim if he would agree that “Bobbie was a societal malcontent with an axe to grind against the military”.
So, what does this have to do with the potential DOJ settlement?
Based on the information provided to the Alberta Crown, the crown determined that basically I was a liar. There was obviously no babysitter and my father said there was no babysitter. The CFNIS provided the Alberta Crown with the babysitter’s incorrect age. The exact incorrect age that existed in the 1980 CFSIU paperwork. This led Alberta Crown prosecutor Jon Weribicki to conclude that 1-1/2 years of graphic child sexual abuse at the hands of a pedophile that was twice my age and fully sexually developed was nothing more than “childhood curiosity and experimentation”.
Why would the CFNIS do this?
It wouldn’t be their choice.
This would have come down from high up the chain of command. The Vice Chief of Defence Staff has the legal authority under the National Defence Act to direct ANY CFNIS investigation.
Much like in 1980, the Canadian Armed Forces and the Department of National Defence would be terrified of the Canadian public discovering that children were not safe on military bases and that the military justice system failed untold numbers of kids.
And even worse, the Canadian Forces don’t want it known that they can’t conduct courts martial proceedings for service offences that occured prior to 1998 due to the 3-year time bar. And they can’t simply kick these matters over to the civilian courts as that option didn’t exist in 1980. In 1980 Captain McRae could only be tried by courts martial for the service offences of Gross Indecency, Indecent Assault, and Buggery. There was no way possible in 1980 to send him to the civilian system. And if the either the CFSIU or the CFNIS arrested and charged Angus McRae anytime between May of 1983 and his death in May of 2011 the CFSIU or the CFNIS wouldn’t be able to do anything with the charges as the three year time bar would apply.
Now, I doubt the the Minister of National Defence, the Chief of Defence Staff, and the Vice Chief of Defence Staff in 2011 would have ever envisioned that I would have seen this matter through as far as I have.
They probably all assumed that I would have sulked away with my tail between my legs.
The problem is that I went though too much hell with Captain Terry Totzke and Master Corporal Richard Wayne Gill in the aftermath.
However, I think I’m about to be subjected to the maxim “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished”.
I think what the DOJ will argue is that the 2011 CFNIS investigation should apply when determining how much settlement money I am offered. Meaning that I will walk away with maybe $10,000.00.
Based on the six charges that Colonel Daniel Edward Munro forwarded to the Courts Martial panel, the babysitter might walk away with $50,000.00 to $100,000.00 even though he was abusing us on his own and providing us to Captain McRae for Captain McRae to abuse in the rectory of the chapel after giving us wine.
Other victims of Captain McRae or the babysitter may fare better than I will as they weren’t called liars by the CFNIS, so if they claim that they were abused 5 or 6 times by the babysitter or McRae they might get $50,000.00 to $100,000.00 as the CFNIS wasn’t able to cast doubt on the veracity of their complaint.
And the one thing that the DOJ is refusing to even entertain compensation for is the years of conversion therapy I endured at the hands of Captain Terry Totzke in the aftermath of CFB Namao. And the DOJ is not willing to compensate for Captain Terry Totzke’s refusal to allow me to receive treatment for my severe mental illnesses due to the sexual abuse on CFB Namao.
But Bobbie, you’ve won, right?
Nope.
I haven’t won anything.
I’ve lost everything.
I’ve lost more in this life than you’ll ever realize.
I’ve lost more in this life then I’ll ever realize.
I was betrayed by my own father.
I was betrayed by the Canadian Armed Forces.
I was betrayed by the Government of Canada.
It wasn’t my choice to live in military housing on military bases.
At no point in my life did I ever agree to give up my rights as a Canadian Citizen to instead my rights as a Canadian Citizen to be cast aisde by the absolutely insane National Defence Act.
So, here I lay on my bed typing this blog entry out.
I know that the memories of the abuse and the aftermath still haunt me to this day.
As a kid I was never treated as a victim.
I was blamed for my abuse and the abuse of my brother on CFB Namao by Captain Terry Totzke and by my father.
The drepression and the anxiety eat away at me each and every day.
And this is why I really want medical assistance in dying.
It wasn’t that I had been abused once or twice and never told anyone.
It went on for a year and a half.
I was blamed for it
I was blamed for what happened to my brother.
I had to endure a dysfunctional household while this was going on.
My grandmother who raised my brother and I from 1976 until 1981 was a piss tank alcoholic.
My own father was a rage prone piss tank alcoholic in the Canadian Armed Forces.
We lived on military bases where dysfunctiona familes were a dirty secret and where everyone minded their own business no matter what they heard going on behind the walls of the PMQs.
I was so far gone that I was supposed to have been institutionalized in two different provinces.
I never received any manner of help with my major depression and severe anxiety that was a result of the sexual abuse with the exception of backhands and belts from my father to help correct my “fucking piss poor attitude”.
With medical assitance in dying I get to go away and never suffer from this shit again.
Yes, I’ll be dead. But I’ll be dead one day anyways. Why prolong the suffering?
It’s not like I’ll get the settlement cheque and then sunshine will burst forth from the heavens.
An apology won’t do fuck all, especially not at this juncture, not after having been fucked silly by the CFNIS starting in 2011.
And with my father being dead and never having to even admit what the fuck he truly knew in 1980, what he agreed to with the CFSIU and the chain of command on CFB Namao in 1980, or having to even weakly explain his statement to the CFNIS in 2011, there never will be any closure for me on this matter.
Yes, I fully understand that my father had great difficulty telling the truth. And he had a predisposition to tell people what he thought they wanted to hear. But it would have at least provided a small modicum of closure watching him squirm.
With the way my brain works I’d be focusing on this shit for the rest of my days. My untreated depression and anxiety would just continue to worsen as the days went by.
This is why I welcome death.
It puts an end to my issues.
It puts an end to my torment.
It puts an end to my mental anguish and suffering.
They’e good to ride and easy to fix, but that’s it.
Scooters?
Nope.
Cheap to ride and charge, but that’s it really.
Camping?
Nope.
Travel?
Nope.
Music?
Yes, but just listening to music, anything musical inside of me was successfully killed by my father.
Television / movies?
Nope. Thankfully Richard and Sue didn’t want us in the PMQ while we were kids, so going for long lonely walks as a kid to keep the pain of the cold at bay is what I would do instead of getting hooked on TV as a kid.
Sports.
Fuck no. I loved sports before the events of CFB Namao. But after Captain Totzke said that I could never play sports due to my “homosexuality” I grew to resent sports. Besides, I learnt from my father to despise hockey and such. He didn’t hate hockey. He loved it. He would sit at home screaming and yelling at the TV screen getting pissed of angry and drunk when the Toronto Makebeliefs would lose a game, which was almost every game back in the ’80s. When Richard was ranting and railing against his favourite team you didn’t dare disturb him.
Electronics have always been something that I was able to use on jobs to keep my employment and offset my depressed personailty.
People can detect my issues long before they’ve ever talked to me.
The one thing that I always had was my ability to do techinical work that was far above the pay grade of the job that I was applying for.
When I started working at Lions Gate Lanes in 1992 I wasn’t “one of the guys”. I didn’t hang out with the men’s bowling leagues and shoot the shit about sports teams and tit’s ‘n’ ass like the other mechanics would. But what I did have going for me is that I could repair the CPU and Video boards for the AS-80 scoring system, along with the optical scanners. Repairing the overhead video monitors was extremely beneficial.
I could do the same mechanical work that everyone else was expected to do, but I could use my electronics knowledge to offset that I wasn’t a “team player” like the other guys.
When Lions Gate Lanes closed down in the summer of 1993 I was offered a position at a bowling centre in Mississauga owned by the same company.
The head mechanic out there wasn’t going to be told what he had to do by a West Coast manager. And besides, I wouldn’t drink with the boys, I didn’t get a kick out of the girlie posters in the work shop, and I didn’t shoot the shit with the boys.
People find it odd that I don’t “check” people out or enjoy porn, or pin ups, or talking about sex in general. Y’all can thank Captain Totzke for that odd aspect of my personality.
People often take my lack of interest in girls, not as a general lack of interest in sex, but as a sign that I’m gay.
Yeah, I’ve sucked dick in my life.
But that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re a homosexual, right?
Not being interested in girls doesn’t have anything to do with the abused you suffered at the hands of the babysitter. Nope. Not being interested in girls = being a homo.
Anyways the head mechanic at Mississauga wasn’t going to have a homo in his shop.
This is why I was able to get my employment insuarnce claim re-opened after they completed their investigation.
When I came back to Vancouver I would end up getting a job at a small bowling cente in East Richmond. The centre was brand new and had only been open since 1989. It had the latest computerized pinsetters. And that was a major problem. Their mechanics couldn’t do any type of electronic repairs or electronic troubleshooting.
I came in and was able to repair just about everything in the centre. Pinsetter CPU boards, I/O boards/ power supplies, AS-90 Scoring system, etc. Plus I could MIG weld which was beneficial as this pinsetter was made from stamped sheet metal and would often suffer cracks.
I never did get sent for factory training at either bowling centre.
You’re far too smart.
But without factory training there would be absolutely no advancement.
I started working in commercial office buildings in 1998.
Working on the building automation systems was a piece of cake as I had a good understanding of electronics and computers.
But more of the same shit.
When you’re dealing with tenants that pay thousands of dollars per month in rent, they want special treatment, and it’s expected that you’ll kiss their asses and tickle their nutsacks whe requested.
Fixing things is what I do.
Blowing sunshine up the ass of some rich trustfund brat who’s running his “own” company because daddy gave him a $500,000.00 loan wasn’t a skill of mine.
Heaping praise on someone who makes their living from trading penny stocks and scamming seniors with investment scams wasn’t a skill that I was very good at.
Want your lights fixed?
I’m your man.
Want your heatpump replaced?
I’m your man.
Want your nutsack tickled because you fell into a CEO position that your father bought for you?
Go fuck yourself.
Bobbie, why didn’t you just go to trade school or take a diploma program?
Well, calling up daddy and stepmommy for a loan or help with getting a loan, or help with a place to live was not in the cards .
At this point in time I had no idea where my mother was, and as I would find out when I located her in 2013 and talked to her, it wouldn’t have been of any use.
And then there’s the problem of my depression and my anxiety and my intense self loathing.
I would have been absolutely terrified of approaching my father for any type of help with as any failure in a trade or diploma program would have only elicited more scorn and derision from him.
So I took Power Engineering. Started with my 5th class refrigeration operator, and then did my 4th class.
I thought that Power Engineering would be something. But its not.
There’s a misconception in property management and plant management that Power Engineers are engineers.
They’re not.
They have an understanding of refrigeration plant operation, boiler plant operating, operating low pressure and high pressure thermal plants, operating low pressure and high pressure steam plants, firing oil fired boilers, natural gas fired boilers, oil fired boilers, black liquor fired boilers, and fluidized bed boilers. They understand thermodynamics, psychrometrics, enthalpy, and other basic principles of physics.
But that’s not what the majority of empoloyers that require power engineers on site hire power engineers for.
The vast majority of employers just hire power engineers to satisfy the basic requirement to meet provincial regulations of having a power engineer on site while the boilers or chillers are in operation.
The vast majority of plants that hire power engineers are looking for “Johnny the janitors” who can look after stuff that janitors can look after, but the employers cheap out and just dump all of the work that doesn’t require a TQ on to the power engineers.
If I had a chance to do my life over again, what would I do?
Probably something in fashion, or theatrics.
Back at Pierre Laporte I used to do the lighting for school productions and I’d look after the sound.
I was good enough at this that Mr. Ford got me a weekend job at a local P.A. rental shop repairing lighting and sound equipment.
I like clothing.
I love dresses and mix and matching with dresses.
As I’ve said numerous times, I’ll never understand why men don’t wear dresses.
For some reason when it comes to dresses and my manner of dressing, I don’t give two fucking shits what anyone thinks.
I don’t identify as a women.
I don’t want to be a woman.
But I love dresses.
I liked make-up when I was into it in the period of 2006 to 2011.
But then again I bought myself a nice little sewing machine a few years ago.
I got rid of it a short while ago.
It was painful looking at it as it sat in my apartment unused.
See, every time I tried to use it Richard was there screaming at me for being such a silly fucker.
My brother doesn’t understand what it’s like having Richard and Terry living in my head.
One thing that I have realized is that people living in our society really don’t have as much control over their lives as people believe that they do.
For some reason people have more control over the lives of others that they do over their own.
I don’t remember being asked if I’d like to be born.
My parents were horny, they fucked, he ejaculated and didn’t pull out, and nine months later I popped out.
Did I ask to be born to two parents that were already suffering mental illnesses? My father battling depression and alcoholism, my mother suffering from anxiety.
Did I ask to be born to an alcoholic father?
Did I ask to be raised by a residential school survivor who had her own severe mental health issues?
And puhlease, don’t tell me that I should be happy that I was blessed with the miracle of life.
There’s over 7.8 billion people on the face of the planet.
Pregnancy, birth, and life are not a “miracle”.
And if your argument is that I should be happy that I don’t live in an underdeveloped country, well fuck you. I live in this country. I was raised in this country. I was abused by fellow citizens of this country. I was fucked over by institutions of this country. You don’t get to negate the shit I live through by erecting fanciful strawmen and bad faith fallacies.
Contrary to the teachings of Captain Terry Totzke and master corporal Richard Gill, I didn’t deserve the sexual abuse from Captain McRae and his teenage accomplice, P.S.
And contrary to the opinions of Captain Terry Totzke and my father, I didn’t deserve 2-1/2 years of conversion therapy.
I was a concious decision of Captain Totzke to deny my of the treatments I required for my mental health issues.
Sure, Totzke may have only been following the orders of his superiors. But he still made a decision. I had no say in the matter.
My father went along with the decision to deny me my treatment. Yeah, sure, Totzke outranked my father, but my father still had choices at his disposal. He made a choice to play along.
When my father had his meltdown in the PMQ on Canadian Forces Base Downsview in Ontario, somebody within the military police made the decision to not notify the Metropolitan Toronto Police Service thereby ensuring that Richard’s inability to control his anger wouldn’t be reported to the Children’s Aid Society of Toronto.
Somebody in the Canadian Forces chain of command made the conciousous decision to run a “dog & pony show” investigation in 2011. Somebody made this decision even though they knew full well that due to limited resources, only victims of crimes have access to mental heatlh treatments.
Somebody in the Canadian Forces chain of command made the conciousous decision to hide the information contained in the CFSIU DS 120-10-80 investigation paperwork from the Alberta Crown prosecutor in 2011 thereby forcing the Alberta Crown to make a horrific decision.
Somebody in the Canadian Forces chain of command decided to hide the existence of CFSIU DS 120-10-80 from the Military Police Complaints Commission in 2012 thereby ensuring that the MPCC wouldn’t discover until 2020 that the CFNIS in 2011 knew all about the criminal exploits of P.S..
Somebody in the Office of the Judge Advocate General made the decision to not allow the CFNIS to talk to former base commander Daniel Edward Munro in 2017 due to the inability to lay charges against Munro due to the 3-year-time-bar that existed only in the military prior to 1998.
So, as you can see, a lot of people made decisions for me or they made decisions that directly affected me.
Hopefully I get to make the one decision that I should be allowed to make, and that is to end my life through Medical Assistance in Dying.
And as my dentist is just doors down from my physician I booked two appointments.
The first appointment is for my prescription refil.
I get 90 days of pills at a time. So I always try to book an appoinment a couple of weeks before my meds run out.
Trust me. You do not want to run out of and stop your SSRI meds abruptly.
The second appointment is for my application for Medical Assistance in Dying.
The one thing that I did glean from the lunch seminar with Dying with Dignity is that M.A.i.D. assessors are expecting a spike in applications when M.A.i.D. is legalized for Mental Illness.
At the same time these M.A.i.D. assessors are expecting that the vast majority of requests for M.A.i.D. for Mental Illness will not be approved.
As much as I am worried about my application for M.A.i.D. not being approved, I think that I still stand a very good chance of having my request approved due to the very unique nature of my mental health issue.
I also had the chance to meet face to face with a former co-worker from our days at a bowling centre in Surrey.
I don’t think we’d seen each other face to face since back then.
We kept in touch on Facebook for a while, but then I nuked my Facebook account. She discovered a posting of mine on Instagram after I opened an Instagram account as required to get a Threads account.
It was a nice little lunch.
We talked about her new job in the probation office.
We talked about my job at the hospital.
We talked a bit about the past.
And then she asked about M.A.i.D.
So we talked a bit about M.A.i.D.
She had some good questions.
Hopefully I had some good answers.
After lunch was up I walked her back to the court house where her office is located.
I don’t think she had ever seen my blog before I opened an Instagram account, and I know for sure that she hadn’t seen anything about my plans for M.A.i.D. before my instagram account as I had never really talked about my desire for death until after I nuked my Facebook account a few years ago.
She wasn’t shocked by my desire. Especially after having read some of my blog.
And she was of the opinion that a decision like this is a personal choice and that no one has the right to question someone’s personal choice like this.
And this is what I like.
Listening to the media you’d swear that only 1 in 1,000,000 Canadians support Medical Assistance in Dying for Mental Illness.
But I think that the reality is that most level headed Canadians view M.A.i.D. for Mental Illness as solely a personal choice.