Category: Death

Saturday October 21st, 2023

Well, my out of control self consciousness makes it hard for me to do the videos that I wanted to.

I know, this sounds silly coming from the guy who has pretty well switched his wardrobe over to dresses a few years ago. But yeah, I don’t like talking about my plans for M.A.i.D. in public nor do I like to discuss the events of Canadian Forces Base Namao in public. Again, that probably sounds silly coming from the guy who writes these blogs and who has a Vimeo channel, but my readership and viewership is so minimal on both of those platforms that I’m basically just shouting into the eternal void.

But at least it’s therapeutic.

Next Tuesday I get to ask a M.A.i.D. provider some questions related to the assessment process.

In five months time I will be at my physician’s office making my official request for Medical Assistance in Dying.

Does that mean that I get to be put to sleep in five months? Nope. Not at all.

First, I have to hope that the “disabled rights groups” and the “evangelical nutcase” groups don’t fuck with this legislation. If “disabled rights groups” want more funding, go for more funding. Just don’t fuck with my ability to obtain peaceful sleep. You think that by making me suffer longer than I need to that somehow you’ll get more funding? Nope. You want more funding, go fight for more funding. Do not fuck around with people requesting a peaceful exit. The fact that you don’t hear a lot from these “disabled rights groups” except for around the topic of M.A.i.D. makes me wonder who is actually backing these groups. Especially with their outlandish claims that the government is just going to start executing disabled people instead of taking care of them.

As I’ve said elsewhere, I’ll probably be around for the most part of 2024.

I don’t know how long it will take for the assessments.

If I apply in March and get my assessments by June, then I’ll have to wait for a 90 day cooling off period to expire. That takes me into October.

I’ll have 1 year to utilize my prescription for M.A.i.D.

Right now, all I can do is kinda window shop for the events leading up to my death.

I have in mind the funeral homes that I would like to use for my procedure and my cremation. I could pay for the reservation now, but I don’t even know if I’ll be allowed to be put to sleep. And, once I receive my prescription for M.A.i.D., my life insurance will actually pay for the funeral home reservation and the cremation of my corpse.

Again, for those wondering what I mean by a reservation at a funeral home, there are a growing number of funeral homes that will allow the M.A.i.D. procedure to occur on their premises. Then after I have been declared to be deceased they will hold my corpse as required for the 48 hour holding period. Then after the 48 hour hold period it’s into the cremator my corpse goes. What happens with my ashes is anyone guess, at that point in time I’ve long since ceased to care.

After I receive my prescription for M.A.i.D. is when I can really start planning.

I’ve been getting my skin loaded with tattoos.

I’m not artistic, and I think the reason that I waited until my 20’s to start getting tattoos is I was always under the impression that tattoos had to be “artistic” representations of naked women and Viking warriors, American eagles, etc. It took a while for me to realize that tattoos could be shapes and lines and blocks.

After I get my prescription for M.A.i.D. is when I can discretely approach my tattoos artists to see if they want to save any of their tattoo work. Yes, it is legal to skin a human corpse. And there are companies that will preserve tattooed human skin.

But, this isn’t the type of thing that you just start shopping around for, especially not before you have your M.A.i.D. prescription in hand.

And then there’s work.

I definitely do not want to keep working right up to the day of my death. I’d like to take a month or two off prior to my death. Just to wind down, clean things up, tie up as many loose strings as possible. I think that I deserve a little respite.

Monday August 21st 2023

Well, the clock is ticking.

It’s 6 months and 24 days before I learn what the future holds for the possibility of my fate.

Am I able to humanely end my suffering?

Or due to a cruel twist of fate will I be sentenced to endure mental suffering for the rest of my days?

I’ve got my fingers crossed, but at the same time I’m not going to get my hopes up too high knowing first hand how quickly the government back-tracked in March of this year and chickened out and backed down in the face of right-wing-christofascist who launched a well orchestrated Astroturf campaign using disabled people as disposable props in their theatre of compassion.

I know that the DOJ, the DND, and the CAF are following my blogs. The lawyers for the DOJ said as much during one of our initial meetings two years ago.

Do I care?

Nope.

Sure, the DOJ, the DND, and the CAF may be using my desire for death and the potential for MAiD for SUMC of Mental Illness being allowed in March of 2024 as a reason to delay this matter. But I don’t care.

The lawyers have more than enough information to keep this matter going after my death.

The DOJ, the DND, and the CAF may outlast me, but they won’t outlast all of the victims of Captain McRae or the other catholic clergy that served on various chapels on the bases across Canada.

Anyways, here’s this week’s podcast.

I really wish I could keep up with these, but the depression kills. It stops me dead in my tracks.

The effects of military child sexual abuse

One thing that has often come up is “Bobbie, why didn’t you tell someone”

The thing is, I didn’t have to tell anyone.

All of the people in positions of authority knew.

Captain Terry Totzke knew.

My father knew.

Base Commander Colonel Daniel Edward Munro knew.

Base Security officer Captain David Pilling knew.

The office of the Judge Advocate General knew.

Everyone knew.

What was I supposed to do?

Some may argue that I need to forgive my father. Sure, he was only a master corporal. But the silly fucker could have grown a pair of balls even if that meant leaving the Canadian Armed Forces.

But he didn’t.

Instead, I received 2-1/2 years of punishment / conversion therapy at the hands of Captain Terry Totzke. So, in my matter it wasn’t that no one knew. Everyone knew. And people who had the ability to make things better for me instead punished me.

How many other male military dependents from Canadian Forces Base Namao received the same treatment that I did. How many male military dependents from the other bases that Captain Angus McRae was stationed at received the same treatment that I received on Canadian Forces Base Namao?

This is important as even my lawyer indicates that the shame of male sexual abuse may prevent other victims of Captain McRae and his “agents” from coming forward.

How many other victims have come forward over the years only to have their matters dismissed by the military police due to flaws in the National Defence Act that would make it impossible to lay charges in the modern day for any act that occurred prior to 1998?

How many other victims tried to come forward over the years but had no support from their parents who were serving members of the Canadian Forces at the time of the abuse due to their serving parent’s fear of violating the Security of Information Act and the Official Secrets Act that both prohibit anyone who became aware of “information” on a Defence Establishment while they were subject to the Code of Service Discipline from ever disclosing that information.

Member of the Canadian Armed Forces are subject to the Security of Information Act and the Official Secrets Act for life.

And the Official Secrets Act and the Security of Information Act don’t specify what this “information” is. Those act just state “any information”.

Top Secret? Doesn’t say.

Classified? Doesn’t say.

Nor do these acts make exceptions for criminal investigations.

And there’s also the spectre that serving parents in the Canadian Forces were promised favours in trade for their silence and for not making a fuss.

Might explain how Richard came to forget about the existence of his own mother when he gave a statement to the CFNIS in 2011. But then again, the CFNIS never re-interviewed me for clarification about grandma or what home life was like in 1978 through 1980 after Richard gave them his very revised and edited version of home in July of 2011.

Two options about Richard’s statement.

(a) – He lied to the CFNIS in 2011 because in May to June of 1980 he took favours from the Canadian Forces in trade for him not making a fuss out of the events on CFB Namao.

(b) – The CFNIS reminded him that he was still bound by the Official Secrets Act or the Security of Information Act and that he should think very carefully before discussing any information that was directly related to the Canadian Forces and events on Canadian Forces Base Namao.

And if Richard lied about CFB Namao, how many other former members of the Canadian Armed Forces have lied in order to cover up their complicity in their own children having been sexually abused on a Department of National Defence / Canadian Armed Forces military base?

There is no way that I am the only one who suffered through this shit.

March 17, 2023

March 17th 2023 was supposed to be the date that Medical Assistance in Dying became legal in Canada for those suffering from mental health issues.

I had already booked the weeks of March 20th and March 27th off.

I had already booked my appointment for March 21st with my family doctor to make my official request for Medical Assistance in Dying.

I booked additional time off from work as I theorized that I would probably require some time to acclimatize to my decision. After all, wanting to die and actually making concrete plans to die are two separate things.

Sadly, the religious nutcases in this country evoked nightmares of disabled people being hauled off to Cambodian style killing fields.

And of course our milquetoast politicians caved.

That’s to be expected seeing as how the right wing in this country are having their puppet strings yanked and manipulated by the MAGAt evangelical crowd south of the border where their imaginary friend gets off on pain and suffering.

Anyways, in the meantime I’ve got to deal with an additional year on this planet.

I asked my lawyers recently if as part of the pending class action settlement that language be added into the settlement that would request the Attorney General make exceptions to the current M.A.i.D. legislation that would allow me to obtain M.A.i.D. without having to wait for the government to grow a pair and legalize M.A.i.D. for reasons of mental health.

They both said that this couldn’t be added in to the class action as it would have to apply to all members of the settlement and that this more than likely wouldn’t be something that the courts would entertain.

One of my lawyers suggested that I might want to look at other options to obtain M.A.i.D. via tests and screenings to see if any type of cancer or other potentially fatal medical condition is currently manifesting itself in my body.

My father apparently died of cancer. My father’s brother died of heart disease. My paternal grandmother died of heart disease as well. My mother has had numerous aneurysms. My maternal grandfather died of a heart attack. I’ve had two cardiac issues and no one was able to figure out what caused them.

So, when I go to my doctor on the 21st, even though I can’t officially request M.A.i.D. as we had both agreed at a prior visit, I will mention the suggestion of my lawyer to my doctor to see if he’s game for this.

Either way, I’ve got a train trip coming up.

No. Not that type of train trip.

On the 24th I’m boarding a VIA train for an 8 day round trip to and back from Toronto.

This was one of those “bucket list” things I had started planning out last year. There’s a few things I wanna do before I go. And things like trips are something that I want to experience.

I know it sounds silly, but with the exception of a few trips to Seattle, I’ve never been outside of Canada. I’ve lived in Vancouver for 30 years now and I’ve been to Seattle maybe 6 times in all that time.

And even within Canada, the only time I traveled anywhere in Canada was when I went to Ottawa to do some research at Library and Archives Canada. I also stopped out in Halifax, Nova Scotia. I was born there, but other than popping out into the world in Halifax, I have no connection to Halifax as my birth in Halifax was an accident of birth. I could have been born in any hospital next to a Canadian Armed Forces base and that would have been my “home town”.

Travelling was never something my father did with us when we were kids. The one time we went to Banff when my father was stationed at Canadian Forces Base Griesbach was not very pleasant as Richard wasn’t the kind of person who could just chill and fucking relax on a vacation.

When we lived on Canadian Forces Base Downsview in Ontario, Richard took us for a weekend trip up to Sue’s brother’s cottage on Georgian Bay. Again, not a fun weekend. Fun and fuckery were not words in Richard’s vocabulary. The only word that Richard knew that was even remotely related to “fun” was dys’fun’ctional.

So, I never developed the travel bug.

Never learnt how to go on vacation and just relax.

So, this train ride should prove interesting. 4 days to Toronto. I spend one night in Toronto. And then it’s 4 days back to Vancouver.

Didn’t book a private room. I got a sleeping berth. The car has showers. All meals provided. Access to the observation car, the coach car, and the dining car.

Why did I pick the train? Why not. As I’ve said I don’t do vacations. For me the travelling part is more entertaining than the journey.

Taking Amtrak back and forth between Seattle and Vancouver is enjoyable. When I go to Seattle there’s only a few places that I like to go. Other than that I skip all of the tourist traps. I don’t think that I could ever go somewhere to go to tourist traps.

When I go to Iceland this summer it’s so that I can see for myself what was so appealing about Iceland that Richard left my brother and I alone while he fucked off with the Canadian Armed Forces to Iceland in July of 1978. Other than that it’s a big expansive island. And it’s the summer solstice. So being that far north on the longest day of the year should prove to be interesting. The only interesting thing that I know of Iceland is that the island is made up from two separate continents crushing together. There’s apparently a fissure that splits the island in two.

Death

What does death feel like?

Nothing actually. Death feels like nothing. You have to be alive to experience and feel.

Can you remember what it was like before you were conceived? The universe has existed for about 13.7 billion years.

Do you remember any of that?

No?

Well, death is the exact same.

Without a functioning brain, you cannot have a consciousness, you cannot feel, you cannot experience.

You are dead.

To be dead is to be at peace.

The dead have no memories.

The dead have no trauma.

The dead have no fears, no phobias, no mental health issues, no self hatred, no self loathing, no low self esteem.

Why do people fear death so much?

Well, death is the only thing that the human brain has never experienced. The human brain is terrified of the unknown. The human brain likes to have the answers. And if it can’t have the answers, then it creates the answer. See “gods” for an example of this phenomenon.

This is why humans have spent so much effort to convince themselves that there is a life after death. There isn’t. This life is all you get. There will be no other.

Humans like to think of themselves as individuals, each unique in their own special way. But we’re not. What is so special about humans is that we can transcend death not by living after our death, but by passing on our knowledge to the next generation. It is our knowledge that transcends death while our corpse rots and festers.

I am comfortable with my death.

I know that my experiences will live on long after I have been put to sleep.

Yes, I am afraid of dying. But this is more due to the fear of potential pain or of the procedure being botched.

But death, death I welcome it. My death will settle my anxiety and my death will release me from the grips of my depression.

My death will forever erase the memories of the babysitter and of Captain McRae. My death will remove from me the memories of my sexual, physical, and mental abuse at the hands of the various persons who were supposed to be looking after me, caring for me, and keeping me safe from harm.

Am I sad that I see death as my only option?

No.

Death is all around us. Try as we might to pretend that death does not exist, it does.

And life is not as valuable and unique as we’d like to pretend that it is.

America has already had 35 mass shootings in less than 23 days of the year so far. But reducing the death toll by implementing gun control would be to much for the 2A supporters to endure.

Car culture in Canada has killed 45,582 people between 2001 and 2020. Changes could easily be made to reduce this death toll, but this would inconvenience car drivers.

In the 10 year period of 2008 until 2018, there were 6,102 deaths by suicide in the province of British Columbia.

These figures don’t include deaths due to illnesses, or any other means.

And as of this writing there are well over 7,888,000,000 people existing on the face of the Earth. We’re not unique.

Is my life unique?

No.

Is my life special?

No.

Is my life enjoyable?

No.

Will my life ever be free from the turmoil and grief that was bestowed upon me by others?

No.

My time has come.

I am tired.

I should be allowed to leave when I want.

I should be allowed to leave via a painless method administered by a professional who is trained to properly induce death in a compassionate manner.

Death cannot hurt me any worse than what I’ve endured.

In fact, death can release me from the pain and the torment.

The time of settlements

First, a new video.

On November 7th and 8th my first lawyer and I will have a meeting with the lawyers in the matter of Earl Ray Stevens. This meeting is to see if all sides can reach a final agreement on the matter of an “out of court” settlement.

I don’t know what to expect with this meeting. The lawyer for the defendant in this matter has postulated that by the time Earl Ray Stevens abused me at the Denison Armouries when I was in cadets that I was already “damaged” from the abuse on Canadian Forces Base Namao. He even seemed to have honed in on items from my foster care records that I wasn’t even aware of.

One such thing that he honed in on came about because my lawyer had requested a fresh copy of my foster care records from the Alberta government at the start of this matter. I had never seen the quoted text that the lawyer for the defendant read during the meeting because this was redacted from the copy of the records I had obtained in 2011.

In this formerly redacted section my father had told the psychologist hired by the Canadian Armed Forces in November of 1980 that he blamed my behaviour and the behaviour of my brother on his mother, specifically stating this “his mother was frequently cruel to his children, especially when she was inebriated”.

This by the way is the same mother that Richard wrote out of our family history when he gave his statement to the CFNIS in 2011.

So I’ll have to see what the future holds so far as this settlement goes.

I received an interesting telephone call from my other lawyer on Friday. It seems that the Department of Justice is curious to whether or not I would entertain the possibility of an out of court settlement. As this matter is a class action this would affect all members of the class. we don’t have anything to lose on this.

The DOJ and DND may insist that if we take the out of court settlement that we’d have to agree to be bound by an NDA. This is something that I would have to discuss with my lawyer.

That said, an out of court settlement in the Captain McRae matter from Canadian Forces Base Namao would resolve the matter in a fairly quick time unlike the 10 to 15 years that the DOJ had warned me they would drag this matter out for.

Questions that I would have are would there be any payments towards the families of the victims of Captain McRae and his 14 year old accomplice who committed suicide over the years as a result of the abuse and the failure of DND and the CF to look after the victims properly?

Would all of the surviving victims receive equal payments?

Would DND and the CF reveal the names of all of the children involved and ensure that these victims are made aware of the cash settlement being offered?

Would I be gagged by a Non-Disclosure Agreement much like the 14 year old accomplice agreed to in December of 2008?

I sure those details will be worked out.

The one thing that settlements in both matters allows be to do is to obtain medical assistance in dying in much my original time frame.

It was always my intention to die either in 2023 or 2024.

By going with settlements in both matters I can now rest assured that I won’t be spending the next 10 to 15 years dealing with this crap.

If I apply for medical assistance in dying on March 20th, 2023, it will probably take about 4 to 6 months for me to undergo the psychiatric review that would be required.

There would be a 90 day “cooling-off period”.

Then I would be given my prescription for medical assistance in dying. From what I understand the prescription would be valid for up to one year.

This would put my death into 2024. I’m okay with that. I’ve suffered 40 years so far, another year or two isn’t going to kill me.

Anyways, enough for now.

It’s bed time.

The investigation into the man in the sauna is dead

Okay, here is my latest video. It’s about my meeting yesterday with Captain St-Amand and Warrant Officer Petruk of the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service Western Region.

Special Joint Committee on Medical Assistance in Dying

Well, I’ve been following along with the Committee reviewing Medical Assistance in Dying for a little while now. I missed out on the initial meetings.

The homepage for the committee is here:
https://www.ourcommons.ca/Committees/en/AMAD/StudyActivity?studyActivityId=11625215

I wish I could say how this committee will impact my desire for medical assistance in dying. I don’t know what their recommendations will be to Parliament. And I have no idea how Parliament will respond to the committee’s recommendations

I will say that I am surprised about the dichotomy between those opposing medical assistance in dying for mental health reasons and those who are in favour of medical assistance in dying for mental health reasons.

Those opposed generally run in two flavours.

One group is opposed to M.A.i.D. for mental health reasons because (a) people can’t possibly know their own desires, (b) no one really wants to die, (c) the government is using M.A.i.D. to balance the budget by killing homeless people and the disabled.

The other group opposed to M.A.i.D. is of the opinion that persons suffering from mental health issues should not be allowed to proceed with M.A.i.D. because miracle cures and miracle drugs are just around the corner and they’ll fix everyone.

Those in favour of allowing M.A.i.D. generally tend to be very balanced in their arguments. They’re all for safety protocols, and testing, and cooling off periods.

The one thing that I really like about the professionals in favour of Medical Assistance in Dying is how they believe that it is ultimately the patient’s decision and the patient’s right to determine their own future.

I was kinda hoping that my brief would have been put on line by now, but then I realized that the there seems to be a delay of one month between when a brief is submitted to the committee and when the brief is posted. For instance, the most recent brief posted by the committee on May 25th, 2022 was dated May 6th, 2022. So yeah, a wee bit of a wait.

So, what I am going to do is publish my submission to the committee. The rules for submitting a brief is that it has to be ten pages or less. I had a really nice brief written up before I realized that there is also a one thousand word limit. So I had to pare down my original brief to something a little more slender.

letter-to-maid-committee-finalDownload

This is the brief that I have submitted.

As of May 25th, 2022 @ 20:53 there are currently one hundred and fourteen briefs that have been submitted. So I don’t know when my brief will appear.

As I said, I have no idea what the committee is going to recommend.

As I said in my brief, I hope that the committee recommends against any type of criteria that will penalize persons such as myself.

I’ve suffered, and I’ve suffered horribly.

Child sexual abuse is bad enough.

But to be sexually abused and then blamed not only for your own abuse but for the abuse of your sibling is worse.

To be known to be suffering from depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues, but to be denied any treatment is fucking horrific.

To live your life until recently believing in your head that you’re a fuckup like your father said you were. And to believe that you were just “acting up for attention” because that’s what your father always said when you were having issues really fucks with one’s brain.

Every day of my life has been a struggle to not simply give in to my mental illnesses.

Years ago I stopped being smart. I learnt how to be just smart enough. When you have mental issues like I do, people quickly notice that you’re not normal. Once they know you have issues, they can make your life a living hell. Once they realize that all it takes is one negative comment or one unfair criticism to send you off into a depression spiral, they’ll play that card no-stop.

It’s odd watching these committee meetings knowing that ultimately if the committee does make favourable decisions, that their decisions will allow me to end my life in a peaceful and painless manner.

I know that it’s really hard for some to understand my desire for death.

I’ve longed for death since I was a child. Not a single day goes by that I haven’t thought about dying. As I’ve said before, I’m not brave enough for suicide and I don’t like pain.

I can honestly tell you that depression is not something I’d wish on my worst fucking enemy.

Going through life with a brain that sabotages itself on a regular basis is fucking painful.

Four simple drugs.
-Midazolam
-Propofol
-Rocuronium
-Bupivacaine

Once the Midazolam hits my brain there’s no more babysitter, there’s no more Captain Father Angus McRae, there’s no more “man in the sauna”, there’s no more Captain Terry Totzke, there’s no more Richard Gill, there’s no more Earl Ray Stevens, there no more getting the shit beat out of me at school, there’s no more confusion, there’s no more depression, there’s no more anxiety.

Just absolutely nothing.

No one can ever hurt me again.

And my depression can’t sabotage me again either.