This time next week.

Well, this time next week things will be a bit different.

At this point next week I’ll have had estrogen coursing through my body for just over 24 hours.

And for the first time in my life since I was about 12, I’ll be experiencing diminished levels of androgens.

“Take a little trip back with father Tiresias
Listen to the old one speak of all he has lived through
I have crossed between the poles, for me there’s no mystery
Once a man, like the sea I raged
Once a woman, like the earth I gave
But there is in fact more earth than sea”
From “Cinema Show” by Genesis from their 1973 album
“Selling England by the Pound”.

The goal of this is not to become a woman.

The goal of this is to get as far away from being male as I can.

XY syndrome is a life altering disease and humanity should be searching for a cure for the defective “Y” chromosome.

Through my entire fucked up crazy life there have always been a few constants.

The first is that I’ve never felt like this body is my body. It’s always felt like it has belonged to someone else.

As I said in other posts, since I was young I was always certain that I was going to have breasts.

When I hit puberty and my hips didn’t widen it felt odd. I know it’s hard to explain, but starting at puberty and even existing to the very day is the odd sensation that my hips are not where they should be.

And the junk that I do have has always felt foreign to me.

And even though genetically I am a male, men have always been a source of fear for me. I have never felt okay around men. And that was well before CFB Namao.

Yes, I did often make pleas to the imaginary friend in the sky to make me into a girl when I was younger.

And there were times as a kid that I wanted to be a girl so badly that it was eating me up from the inside out.

Through my teen years and my 20’s and my 30’s I had always but my desire to me a woman off as being a side effect of the sexual abuse on CFB Namao or my involvement with Terry.

But, as I got towards my my 30s I began to realize that my desire to be a woman and the feeling that I was in the wrong body was not shaped by the sexual abuse on CFB Namao or my involvement with Terry.

These feelings and these desires have been with me for as long as I can remember.

I really hope that things go as smooth as I want them to.

If I don’t have any bad reactions to the androgen blockers and the estrogen I’ll be very happy.

I can’t help but wonder what my brain and what my emotions will be like with the removal of androgen from by blood stream.

What will it feel like to have estrogen flowing through not only my body, but my brain as well.

Will my way of thinking change?

Will my view of the world change?

If everything works out fine I’m really hoping that I can go for bottom surgery. As I’ve said before, I just want to get everything removed down there.

I don’t want anything added to or created.

No penis

No testicles

No scrotum

All gone

Nothing but a smooth scar closing everything up down there.

A small hole to pee from.

But nothing else.

The male curse will be gone.

Banquished

Never to haunt me or traumatize me anymore.

Hopefully the male craziness and insanity are washed away from my brain.