tattoos

A lonely existence.

Yeah, my childhood after CFB Namao was a very lonely existence.

I guess the trauma and the shock of what I had been through on Canadian Forces Base Namao at the hands of P.S, along with the dysfunctional household that I was growing up in really fucked with my emotional well-being.

Being involved with Captain Totzke couldn’t have really helped with my self worth very much.

My father had convinced anyone that would listen that I was how I was because it was all an act so that I could shirk the responsibility of allowing the babysitter to molest my younger brother.

The fact that most of the kids on CFB Griesbach knew who I was and what I had done didn’t help the situation very much.

The nice thing is that most people who got to know me saw that there were problems and they weren’t all mine.

And at age 50 I can see why people like Captain Totzke and my father did what they did.

As a child you simply can’t understand the biases, the prejudices, or the politics at play.

Even still, I find myself at age 50 completely unable to make friends. Sure, I’ve got co-workers and superiors and subordinates at work. I also deal with contractors, trades, and suppliers at work. But these are professional relationships.

I’ve met many people on my journey to receive justice and acknowledgment for what happened on CFB Namao. But other than the fact that we were all sexually abused on Canadian Forces Base Namao by the same two people, I can’t relate to anyone.

It’s not that I’m a loner by any definition. I like being out and about. I like going to coffee shops, and malls, and events.

I still can’t properly read or express emotions properly. When people appear to be upset or angry I get scared and afraid. That’s probably one of the reasons I hate any type of conflict at work. Maybe that makes me too accommodating, I don’t know.

I take no pride in my work. And by this I don’t mean that I don’t take care with my work. It’s just that no matter what I do all I can hear is my father yelling and screaming that I have to stop showing off, that I’m a stupid worthless piece of shit, and that anyone could do what I do, that I’m not special in any sense of the word.

So yeah, at age 50, what is going to be fixed?

The time for fixing these issues was 30 to 40 years ago.

The time for banishing Captain McRae, P.S., Captain Totzke, Colonel Munro, Richard Gill from my skull was years ago. Trying to evict these fuckers at the age of 50 is almost pointless.

And that’s the thing, my whole life has been nothing but enduring the self doubt and self hatred caused by these people.

If I didn’t listen to Richard’s negativity for the majority of my adult life, could things have been better. Probably not as there would have still been lots of issues given to me by the others.

If I didn’t listen to Captain Totzke’s thoughts on the apparent homosexuality I had exhibited when I had been molested by P.S. and Captain McRae, would my gender identity and sexual orientation been less fucked up? Possibly, but there were still a shit load of other issues fucking me up.

And that’s one of the problems. There wasn’t just one thing fucking with my psyche. There were numerous issues fucking me up and robbing me of a future that could have or should have been mine.

Dealing with these issues in the here and now may unleash fresh new self doubt, self hatred, and regret.

In other words I think I just have to make peace with these issues.

I’ve got my dresses, my tattoos, and my bicycle to keep me company.

Speaking of tattoos, I finally got my right ankle finished.

My goal is to have all parts of my body covered with ink by the time 2023 / 2024 rolls around.

My Tattooing

How I spent 6 hours on Wednesday

So, I got my right leg tattooed on Wednesday.

Eduardo did the honours at “Slight of Hand Tattooing” on Granville St.

GoPro set for 1 picture every 60 seconds.

Live action of Eduardo shading in one of the bands on my leg.

So, I finally got around to getting my right leg tattooed with the matching pattern from the left leg.

Everything was going fine right up until the last section which is the lower band on my ankle.

I guess that after 6 hours in the chair I just completely ran out of stamina and we had to stop.

I’ll have to go back to finish off the section.

No big deal.

But now to plan out my other adventures in tattooing.

Definitely have to finish off my face next.

Then it’s on to my arms.

On a side note, did you know that Kristen Bell is covered in tattoos?
https://youtu.be/dKSwIuom5c8

It’s almost Tattoo Time

Won’t be too long of a post this morning. Just need to kill a bit of time before I go into my 11:30 tattoo appointment.

Should be wrapped up around 18:00

I’ll probably snooze through most of the appointment. I usually do.

Taking my GoPro in and setting the GoPro to take one photo ever 60 seconds.

At 6 hours this should give me about 360 pictures that I can then string together in a short video using iMovie.

I’ve got some designs for the tattoos I want to get on my face, so we’ll probably discuss these after he’s done.

This will be for my next appointment coming up in November.

I wish that I could ride my bicycle to and from my tattoo appointment, but alas, the rubby-dubbies can strip a bicycle of its parts in a matter of minutes. And until the city addresses this, bicycle riding will never catch on here to the extent that it has in many European cities with very similar if not colder climates than Vancouver.

So, enough for now. See you when I’m finished.

Tomorrow I get more ink….. YAY!

Okay, tomorrow I’m getting more ink. I’ll be doing my right lower leg this time.

I’m going to take my GoPro camera and I’ll set it up for time lapse. I just have to decide how many pictures per minute I want.

I’ll probably be in the chair for 6 hours again.

You’d think that simple black tattoos would be super quick, but they’re not. Especially if they’re being done in solid blocks. Any mistakes will show up very quickly.

I have some ideas for my face. I’ll go over them with Eduardo tomorrow and see what we decide on. This I’ll probably be able to get done in November.

Of course this won’t be the last. I want ink on every limb of my body. I have some ideas for my arms and torso.

Why tattoo?

Why not.

Humans have decorated their bodies pretty well since time immemorial.

I don’t see why I can’t.

Writing for the sake of writing.

Tattoos. Where will I stop?
How much ink is enough?

Taking the new format for a spin.

I’ve updated the home page of this blog to something more user friendly.

I found the previous layout far too confusing. Hopefully this layout is easier to read.

In two days I’m going for a dental appointment and then a tattooing appointment.

Dental

The dental appointment will be a checkup but this will also be the first time that I’ve ever been on antidepressants. That’s not such a big thing for the appointment itself other than the antidepressants seem to drastically reduce the amount of grinding I do. I’ve already had a couple of extractions to remove damaged teeth. I’ve got a feeling that my canine teeth are going to be extracted next. There’s just too much damage to my teeth.

And yeah, the damage is all due to bruxism and to a smaller part clenching.

I don’t drink sugary pops. I rarely eat chocolate. I drink my coffee black. And I brush 2x a day and floss a few times a week.

At this point in time I have no plans to get dental implants or dentures. If I do decide at a later date to get implants they’re easy enough to get installed with minor surgery. When you crack a tooth and then it dies you risk a really bad infection.

Ask me how I know.

By the time I got to the dental surgeon the tooth was completely infected and the infection was starting to get into my jaw bone. Luckily it just took a bit of scraping to remove the infection from my jaw bone.

If you’ve never had your jawbone scraped, you don’t know what you’re missing. You should give it a try sometime.

My canines have been capped a couple of times, but my grinding just wears right trough. They are starting to get real sensitive. So I’ll get the dentist to evaluate them and see if it’s better to get them removed instead of waiting for them to crack and get infected like my molars did.

Tattooing

I’m hoping in the next while to get my body covered with as much ink as possible. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t have much in the way of an eye for faces or images. Simple geometric patterns appeal to me. Large blocks shapes appeal to me as well.

And now that I’m done dealing with the Canadian Armed Forces and their defective “justice” system I’m going to have more time for myself and more time to worry about me.

On Wednesday I’m getting my right leg covered with the same layout I have on my left leg. Then were going to spend an hour or two laying out some designs to fill in my face.

My face I’ll probably start on again in November. The lines haven’t caused any controversy at work, so I’m going to thicken them up and introduce some perpendicular lines. I might post some of the preliminary designs.

Tattooing my face was kinda sorta accidental. I only wanted to fill in the void space on my chin. And then it sort of just grew from there.

It was the strangest feeling getting my face tattooed, but it also felt exhilarating. When it was done it felt liberating. I know that some people would think that having permanent marks on my would make me scared to be seen. But having tattoos on my face has been anything but. They’re kinda like armour. To me they present who I feel like.

The first couple of days after I had my face tattooed were really odd. Every time that I would see myself in a mirror it just floored me that I had actually tattooed my face and that I was more than happy with it.

I’ll have to admit that people at work were a little taken back when I first got my facial tattoos. But now no one seems to mind.

After I get my face done, then it’s off to my upper thighs. Next I’m going to fix up my arms. And then finally my torso.

When all is said and done I’ll probably have spent about $5k to $6k putting ink on my body.

To me it’s money well worth it.

And to be really honest, the pain and the accompanying adrenaline rush numb my inner turmoil, so there’s that.

Tattoos.

As you’ve probably noticed, I have a few tattoos.

Growing up in a military family living on Canadian Armed Forces bases, I had always been exposed to tattoos. And as a kid, I had always wanted tattoos. But one thing I found is that outside of the military, tattoos weren’t really generally accepted. And with my almost nonexistent self esteem I was almost 25 before I got my first tattoo.

Being in a very precarious state with my employment and my finances at that stage in my life meant that I wasn’t going to risk losing my employment due to a disagreement with my employer over the appropriateness of tattoos in the work place. So the tattoos I had prior to working at the hospital were always small and could be covered up with a shirt.

After I started working at the hospital things became easier. Tattoos were not forbidden and some of the doctors and surgeons had some pretty good ink.

When I got my name change completed in 2008 I decided that I was no longer going to worry about what Richard would think. I started to get visible ink.

I’m not an artistic person. Faces and characters really don’t speak to me.

So I stated off with small designs and some small phrases.

Then the CFB Namao matter happened.

That matter literally sucked the life right out of me and it really slowed down what I wanted to do. After all, how can you know what you want to do when everything that you’ve known up to that date had been an absolute lie or bullshit.

Well, now that the entire truth has pretty well been discovered, I’ve made it my goal to have my complete body covered with as much ink as possible. And I’ve decided that I’m going to go with something simple but bold.

Stripes and bands.

Nothing complex. Nothing graphic. Just simple stripes and bands.
To get that one section of my leg done was about 6 hours.
I’m going back in a few weeks to get the other lower leg done.
After that it will be both upper legs.
Then my mid section.

And my arms.
Definitely will be keep the swords on my upper arms, but I’ll either continue with the bands or I will simply black out my forearms.

My face is a different story.
I’ll stay with the lines, but I am going to thicken up most of the lines.
Maybe add some line art.

Tattooing, like piercing, has actually worked out to be a form of pain relief.
It is true, there is an adrenaline rush of sorts when you’re getting tattooed or pierced.
And the thing about the adrenaline rush is it works as a sort of natural antidepressant.

Are there any tattoos that I regret?
Nope.

And no, I do not regret tattooing my face.
I love it.

Facial tattoos are really frowned upon in our society, but as I’m kinda one of society’s misfits, I guess I don’t have to worry.

It took so long to find an artist that was willing to tattoos my face. Not too many artists are willing to tattoo anyone’s face. But I found an artist who was willing. Yes, it was odd sitting there in the chair with the tattoo gun pressing into my face. When the tattooing stopped and it was time to take a look, I was blown away. I had never felt this pleased with myself before.

It took a while at first to get used to people staring. But I guess that comes with the territory. And no, I’m not offended if anyone looks, you can’t tattoo your face and then act all upset when people look.

The vast majority of people either don’t care or they like what they see. I’ve only encountered a very limited number of people who were upset.

No. My neck tattoos and my face tattoos are not Māori. Nor are they intended to be. My neck piece is actually a vector pattern that I bought from Shutterstock. The vector pattern on my head also came from Shutterstock. The lines on my face actually started off as me wanting to fill up the void on my chin. Things just spread out from there.

Cultural appropriation?

I don’t think so. I’ve done some research and I’ve tried to stay far away from any patterns or designs that could be assumed to belong to a tribe or peoples.

But didn’t “white people” steal tattooing from the Polynesians.

Not quite.

Historians and archaeologists are finding evidence that tattooing was actually a common thing amongst the peoples of continental and Northern Europe. And this makes a lot of sense. Everyone in the world has a common ancestor and to say that only specific peoples felt the need and urge to decorate their bodies would be foolhardy.

Recently a 2,500 year old “Siberian Princess” that had been unearthed in the early 2000’s was discovered to have had intricate tattoos. And as more corpses from much earlier days across Europe and North Europe are unearthed, tattoos are being found.

So, what happened?

Religion, or more specifically the Abrahamic religions including Christianity. As Christianity spread throughout Europe it erased customs and traditions. St. Patrick didn’t drive the snakes from Ireland. St. Patrick drove the Pagans from Ireland. And Christianity drove the Picts from Scotland. The Britons suffered the same fate. There are entire write-ups on how Christianity literally erased and replaced cultures and civilizations as it spread.

As the Church had a stranglehold on what parts of history were recorded and what parts of history were discarded, facts that didn’t suit the “man created in the image of god” mindset were pushed aside and forgotten about. So it goes without saying that a lot of European cultures that didn’t fit into the ideals of the new Christian theocracy were simply erased and forgotten about.

In Canada, we had the Government of British North America, and the the Government of Canada work in conjunction with the Catholic Church to erase the cultures of the various First Nations people. And this was in the modern ear. This was still going on into the 1990s. So to say that the Catholic church in previous eras erased peoples and cultures isn’t outlandish at all.

It’s no wonder there aren’t any historical records of alternate genders or alternate sexualities from the start of the Christian period to the modern era. Christianity has always had a weird and unhealthy fixation on sexuality and “earthly pleasures”. Suffering and virtue is the goal. Any sexuality or gender identity that didn’t result in reproduction was seen as “unholy”, and had to go.

When Christianity spread around the world, it did so at the end of a sword.

I’m not religious in any sense of the word. My body was not created in the image of a god. My parents were horny and they had sex without birth control. And therefore I’ll poke as many holes in it and decorate and colour the skin of my corpse as I see fit. If you don’t like tattoos and you don’t like piercings, don’t get them.

Anyways, enough for now.