Yeah, my childhood after CFB Namao was a very lonely existence.
I guess the trauma and the shock of what I had been through on Canadian Forces Base Namao at the hands of P.S, along with the dysfunctional household that I was growing up in really fucked with my emotional well-being.
Being involved with Captain Totzke couldn’t have really helped with my self worth very much.
My father had convinced anyone that would listen that I was how I was because it was all an act so that I could shirk the responsibility of allowing the babysitter to molest my younger brother.
The fact that most of the kids on CFB Griesbach knew who I was and what I had done didn’t help the situation very much.
The nice thing is that most people who got to know me saw that there were problems and they weren’t all mine.
And at age 50 I can see why people like Captain Totzke and my father did what they did.
As a child you simply can’t understand the biases, the prejudices, or the politics at play.
Even still, I find myself at age 50 completely unable to make friends. Sure, I’ve got co-workers and superiors and subordinates at work. I also deal with contractors, trades, and suppliers at work. But these are professional relationships.
I’ve met many people on my journey to receive justice and acknowledgment for what happened on CFB Namao. But other than the fact that we were all sexually abused on Canadian Forces Base Namao by the same two people, I can’t relate to anyone.
It’s not that I’m a loner by any definition. I like being out and about. I like going to coffee shops, and malls, and events.
I still can’t properly read or express emotions properly. When people appear to be upset or angry I get scared and afraid. That’s probably one of the reasons I hate any type of conflict at work. Maybe that makes me too accommodating, I don’t know.
I take no pride in my work. And by this I don’t mean that I don’t take care with my work. It’s just that no matter what I do all I can hear is my father yelling and screaming that I have to stop showing off, that I’m a stupid worthless piece of shit, and that anyone could do what I do, that I’m not special in any sense of the word.
So yeah, at age 50, what is going to be fixed?
The time for fixing these issues was 30 to 40 years ago.
The time for banishing Captain McRae, P.S., Captain Totzke, Colonel Munro, Richard Gill from my skull was years ago. Trying to evict these fuckers at the age of 50 is almost pointless.
And that’s the thing, my whole life has been nothing but enduring the self doubt and self hatred caused by these people.
If I didn’t listen to Richard’s negativity for the majority of my adult life, could things have been better. Probably not as there would have still been lots of issues given to me by the others.
If I didn’t listen to Captain Totzke’s thoughts on the apparent homosexuality I had exhibited when I had been molested by P.S. and Captain McRae, would my gender identity and sexual orientation been less fucked up? Possibly, but there were still a shit load of other issues fucking me up.
And that’s one of the problems. There wasn’t just one thing fucking with my psyche. There were numerous issues fucking me up and robbing me of a future that could have or should have been mine.
Dealing with these issues in the here and now may unleash fresh new self doubt, self hatred, and regret.
In other words I think I just have to make peace with these issues.
I’ve got my dresses, my tattoos, and my bicycle to keep me company.
Speaking of tattoos, I finally got my right ankle finished.
My goal is to have all parts of my body covered with ink by the time 2023 / 2024 rolls around.