I’m here for two days on my own coin, and then I’m here for two days on my employer’s coin.
It’s the annual Canadian Healthcare Engineering Society.
The convention runs Monday and Tuesday with all sorts of seminars to attend.
I do like the trade show portion, but dealing with people drains the energy right out of me.
Used some of my overtime to take today off.
There’s a cheapie bus that runs between Vancouver and Whistler.
$21.00 each way.
It’s just too unfortunate that North American society is so addicted to car culture. There should be a medium speed train running up the west coast from at least Portland, Oregon to Whistler seeing as there are a lot of Americans that come up to Whistler for skiing.
This place is a tourist trap, and it’s expensive, but it would be nice to be able to stop up for a day trip. But with all of the outta control car drivers racing, crashing, smashing, and dying on the Sea to Sky highway it’s not unusual for a collision on the highway to shut things down, which makes same day travel unpredictable.
This time of the year there isn’t much skiing going on, but the hills are busy with downhill riders and their $10k downhill bikes.
I might take the main gondola up the mountain to the peak. Depends on what the conditions are like up there. Lots of melt and lots of mud up there.
Once the conference is over, it’s back to Vancouver.
Work for three days.
Then I’m off until July 2nd.
Probably do a lot of bike riding this year. Couldn’t ride my bike much last year due to the slip and fall in the laundry room in which I fractured my coccyx.
If that’s one thing you never want to fracture, it’s your coccyx, otherwise known as your tailbone.
There’s nothing to do except suffer through the fracture while it heals. And it’s a slow fucker to heal. It’ll start fusing, and then you move the wrong way or move too abruptly and you fracture it again. It’s actually the anchor point for some of the tendons for your leg muscles, so it’s always being pulled on and flexed.
Because the bone is inside your body, there is no way to put a cast or a splint on it to stabilize it.
So yeah, I want to get out on the bike and get some riding in. Throw the camera gear in a case and go out for a good ride.
My breasts are noticeably pointy now, and they really have a different texture than before.
Nobody at work knows yet, so when I go back to work in July I’m hoping to be visibly showing.
If you’ve been paying attention to the media you might have encountered a “don’t blink or you’ll miss it” news story from Murray Brewster of the CBC.
I had my first dealings with the Military Police Complaints Commission back in 2012 through 2013. And from my experience this is an agency that is intentionally set up to fail.
The MPCC is hamstrung by the rules that created it.
Why would the Department of National Defence, the Canadian Armed Forces, and the Canadian Forces Provost Marshal allow an agency to exist that would put their defective “justice system” in peril?
The DND and the CAF have fought long and hard to maintain their own separate justice system, and for good reason. It’s hard to maintain an air of dignity if the public learns that you have an epidemic of child sexual abuse on the bases.
The MPCC was created back in 1998 with the passing of Bill C-25, “An Act to make Amendments to the National Defence Act”.
But right from the word go, the DND and the CAF worked tirelessly to ensure that the MPCC would not pose a risk to their separate and distinct justice system.
That’s how we ended up with the following process to make a complaint.
How to make a complaint to the MPCC
If a person wishes to make a complaint against a CFNIS investigation, you can’t. Only members of the CFNIS or Military Police can make a complaint about an investigation.
And only members of the Canadian Armed Forces can make interference complaints.
Victims dissatisfied with a CFNIS investigation are limited to making a complaint against individuals. This isn’t accidental. This is intentional. You now have to figure out how to make a complaint against individual members of the CFNIS for their conduct even if there was nothing wrong with their conduct.
Being that members of the Canadian Armed Forces must obey the lawful commands of their superiors, what you allege as negligence or improper conduct may actually just be the results of lawful commands. And investigators with the CFNIS can’t be faulted for following lawful commands, can they now?
And because you can’t make a complaint against an investigation, you can’t make a complaint about the validity of those “lawful commands” as you’ll more than likely never know who gave those commands.
The most significant flaw with the MPCC review process is that you have to make your complaint to the Provost Marshal first.
Yes, this is the same Provost Marshal that will decide what documents to hand over to the MPCC and which documents will not be handed over to the MPCC.
This makes about as much sense as the police calling up a robbery suspect to tell them that they’re coming over in 2 hours to look for evidence of a robbery.
The Provost Marshal will then conduct a review via the Professional Standards section of the Canadian Forces Military Police Group.
Only after the Professional Standards group conducts their review and the Provost Marshal informs you of the results, can you then request a review from by the MPCC.
Requesting an MPCC Review.
You have 90 days after the review of the Professional Standards to request a review by the MPCC.
I would like to say that a review is a worthwhile endeavour, but quite frankly it isn’t.
An MPCC review is like pissing your pants. Sure, it brings you some relief, and it gives you a warm feeling. But when the warm feeling goes away, you’re wet and you stink like piss.
The problem with an MPCC review is that it is very powerless.
The MPCC cannot subpoena witnesses
The MPCC cannot subpoena documents
The MPCC cannot administer oaths
The MPCC didn’t really understand how the military police or the CFNIS operate as they have never (as per Stannard’s 2015 interview) been given documents that explain the operational hierarchy of the military police and the CFNIS, so they wouldn’t know what documents to request and who to request them from.
The MPCC can only review the documents handed to them by the Provost Marshal.
The MPCC are not allowed to share with the complainant the documents that the Provost Marshal supplied to the MPCC.
These points basically allow the Provost Marshal to hobble any MPCC investigation right from the start. And there’s nothing that the MPCC can do about it.
Yes, the MPCC could call for an Inquiry, but an MPCC Inquiry occurs just about as frequently as the birth of a unicorn.
The MPCC must obtain the consent of the Minister of National Defence in order to call an inquiry.
That’s not going to happen in a matter that has the potential to expose how the defective military justice system in the pre-1998 days was able to hide and bury military child sexual abuse on the bases, and how the modern day Military Police group can conduct “feel good” investigations that don’t accomplish anything but make the victim(s) think that the military police conducted a “real” investigation.
Remember, due to flaws in the pre-1998 National Defence Act, if you were a child living in military housing on a defence establishment, and you were molested by an active member of the regular force, you will never be able to lay charges against the former member due to either the 3-year-time-bar flaw or the summary investigation flaw.
Prior to 1998, it was the serving member’s commanding officer that was required to act as the Crown Prosecutor to decide if charges were warranted or not.
Prior to 1998 the military could not try a member for service offences if more than three years had elapsed between the date of the offence and the commencement of the tribunal.
In my matter the CFNIS knew about the intimate connection between my babysitter and the military chaplain, Captain Father Angus McRae.
And at the start of the investigation in March of 2011, Angus McRae was still alive. And the National Defence Act states that former members remain liable to be tried for service offences committed while they were active members.
But, the 3-year-time-bar and the summary investigation flaw would have out right prevented the laying of charges. And in the pre-1998 days, there was no language in the National Defence Act that allowed for service offences to bypass the required summary investigation by the commanding officer of the accused and simply be tried in civilian court.
A brief detour into the absurd.
Many reporters have been whamboozled by the military police and the CFNIS stating that there’s nothing stopping them from arresting someone for child molestation that was committed prior to 1998 and trying them in civilian court.
The general accepted practice for trying persons charged with committing historical crimes is that you have to charge them and try them as the law prescribed the offender to be charged and tried at the time.
Prior to 1998 when a member of the Canadian Armed Forces committed a Criminal Code offence while on duty and while on a defence establishment, the National Defence Act stated that these offences were to be tried as service offences with the specific exceptions of Murder, Manslaughter, and Rape prior to 1985, and Murder, Manslaughter, and Sexual Assault (not including crimes against children), between 1985 and 1998.
Members of the regular force are subjected to the Code of Service Discipline from the time they enlist until the time they are released, 24/7/365.
The Canadian Armed Forces, prior to 1998, could try for sexual crimes against children so long as “consent” was a possibility. This meant that the military could try a member for any sexual assault involving a child between the ages of 14 to 18.
If the military wished to proceed with charges related to children under the age of consent, those charges had to be tried in the civilian courts.
Any service charge of child sexual abuse that had been brought against a member of the Canadian Armed Forces had to be approved by the commanding officer of the accused.
The commanding officer had the full authority pre-1998 to dismiss ANY service offence charge that had been brought against a member of the Canadian Forces.
Gross indecency and indecent assault could easily become drunk and disorderly, or behaviour unbecoming. The offender gets punished, and the public doesn’t find out about a child sexual assault.
Take all the time you need to think about that.
Judicial Review
I’ve begun to realize that the laws in this country are written by naive politicians assuming that no one has anything to hide and everyone is interested in justice.
After I received the findings of the 2012 MPCC review that found the CFNIS in 2011 did a stellar and upstanding investigation I filed an application for Judicial Review with the Federal Court of Canada.
The nice thing about filing an application for Judicial Review is the Military Police Complaints Commission was compelled to hand over to men certified copies of the documents that were provided to the MPCC by the Provost Marshal.
The sad thing about filing an application for Judicial Review is realizing that the CFNIS fucked up the 2011 investigation beyond all comprehension and that there is literally nothing I can do to prove to the court that the CFNIS willfully withheld documents and information from the MPCC.
Remember, during an MPCC review, they don’t share with you any of the evidence that the Provost Marshal supplied to them.
And by the time you get to Judicial Review you are not allowed to introduce new evidence.
So you are literally fucked seven ways from Sunday.
Federal Court gives you the opportunity to give the Provost Marshal a polite “fuck you”, but other than that the Department of Justice will strike all “new” evidence that you introduce to prove that the CFNIS conducted an inept investigation.
Sure, you can approach the Supreme Court of Canada and ask them to review the admissibility of the new evidence and whether or not the MPCC should have known that they were being actively deceived.
But doing this is $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
What evidence was withheld actively withheld from the MPCC by the Canadian Forces Provost Marshal?
My social service records that indicated that my grandmother lived with us and raised my brother and I on CFB Namao
That I was in foster care due to major dysfunction in the household that stemmed from my father’s inability to accept responsibility for his family.
That I was suffering from mental health issues that are all standard indicators of child sexual abuse.
That I had a military social worker.
That my father’s statement to the CFNIS denying the presence of any babysitter or the knowledge of any sexual assaults was wrong as both Captain Totzke and my father blamed me exclusively for what had happened on the base and for the fact that I allowed the babysitter to molest my brother.
These were all important items as my father in his statement to the CFNIS claimed that there never was a babysitter, that his mother only briefly looked after my brother and I, and that my brother and I were never sexually abused.
It also turned out that the CFNIS scrubbed any and all mention of Canadian Armed Forces officer Captain Father Angus McRae from the investigation.
As part of my application for Judicial Review I gave my father a written examination. My father, when presented with excepts from my social service records and foster care records contradicted everything he said to the CFNIS in 2011.
The CFNIS had my social service records and my foster care records in 2011. The CFNIS could have easily called my father back in to ask him why his statement to the CFNIS didn’t come anywhere near to what my social service records and my foster care records revealed.
The second CFNIS investigation
In around August of 2015 I was contacted by RCMP inspector Akrum Ghadbhan. This was the result of a letter that I had sent to the RCMP Commissioner and the Minister of National Defence in which I mentioned the details of a recorded phone call that I had with the father of the babysitter.
Inspector Ghadbhan said that he had reviewed the CFNIS investigation and that it didn’t meet contemporary policing standards and that he was recommending that the CFNIS reopen the investigation with the new evidence that I had provided.
Evidence that I provided:
My father’s written examination to the Federal Court
My brother’s written examination to the Federal Court
Very specific excerpts from my social service paperwork and my foster care paperwork.
Details of my conversation with Fred R. Cunningham that occurred on November 27th, 2011.
A copy of the recorded phone call between myself and the babysitter’s father that occurred in July of 2015.
My grandmother’s vital stats.
My step grandfather’s vital stats.
Proof that I had told the CFNIS during my initial video interview in March of 2011 that I had attempted twice before to report this to the military police but that both times the military police refused to look at the matter citing the civilian status of my babysitter.
Proof that Captain Terry Totzke had extensive involvement with me in the aftermath of CFB Namao.
Sgt. Damon Tenaschuk of the CFNIS Pacific Region was given this case to investigate.
About the only thing outstanding about the second CFNIS investigation is when Sgt. Tenaschuk called me to let me know that he had obtained a copy of CFSIU DS-120-10-80 and that this document had the following to say:
What Fred Cunningham had told me on Nov. 27th, 2011 was the truth and that Fred was in a position to know what he had told me.
That much like I had told Mcpl Christian Cyr on May 3rd, 2011 about the visits to the chapel and the sickly sweet grape juice that Captain McRae openly admitted to the military police inn 1980 that he had brought numerous children over to the base chapel and that he would give them alcohol and that sometimes they’d fool around in the bedroom afterwards.
That the investigation of Captain McRae was only initiated AFTER the investigation of the babysitter due to numerous complaints of the babysitter molesting much younger children on the base.
That paperwork such as CFSIU DS-120-10-80 is only supposed to be retained for 7 years according to DND rules and the fact that it still existed in 2017 meant that it had been used within 7 years of McRae’s court martial, and then again within 7 years of the second use, and so on.
After this phone call I filed an ATI for the court martial transcripts and the CFSIU paperwork. DND fought me on this. I had to enlist the help of the Information Commissioner of Canada.
MPCC part 2
In early 2018 I received a phone call from Sgt. Tenaschuk stating that the Crown was not recommending charges.
So I filed another complaint with the MPCC.
This time around the Provost Marshal outright refused the request for a review implying that the review that occurred in 2012 was more than sufficient.
The MPCC commenced a review anyways.
This time I gave the MPCC copies of recorded phone calls, copies of emails, copies of the original video statement in which I explain what home life was like, and that I had tried to report this abuse twice before.
I also specifically mentioned the discussion Sgt. Tenaschuk and I had about Fred Cunningham, CFSIU DS-120-10-80, and DND’s outright refusal to grant me access to the investigation paperwork or the court martial transcripts.
I wasn’t expecting too much this time around.
But I think the MPCC realized just how badly the Provost Marshal fucked them over during the 2012 MPCC review.
The MPCC conducted their review of my complaint against Sgt. Tenaschuk and found that Sgt. Tenaschuk had followed the investigation framework as laid down by his superiors.
The MPCC didn’t make any mention of CFSIU DS-120-10-80 in relation to the investigation of my complaint against the babysitter, which would seem to indicate that it wasn’t in the documents that were handed over to the MPCC by the Provost Marshal.
The MPCC looks elsewhere.
The MPCC did however look at a parallel investigation in which the CFNIS was investigating the complaint of another former military dependent against the same babysitter. This investigation was being conducted by the CFNIS Western Region.
The MPCC went to great pains in the October 2020 final report to indicate that they looked at this parallel investigation just for curiosity.
It was during this look that they noticed that the CFNIS Wester Region had in its possession the infamous CFSIU DS-120-10-80 and the 1980 Courts Martial transcripts for Captain Father Angus McRae.
The Information Commissioner of Canada.
I had been involved with the Information Commissioner of Canada ever since DND first refused to release Captain McRae’s courts martial transcripts to me in 2012.
When DND refused to provide me with a copy of DS-120-10-80 in 2018 I enlisted the help of the ICC again.
The ICC wasn’t too hopeful of a resolution as DND and the CSIS are tied for being the government agencies most likely to stonewall ATI requests.
But in mid 2019 I was contacted by the ICC and told that DND had just granted access to the documents to another requestor, so I should refile my request, and that DND could not refuse to honour my request.
DND did release to me the documents.
They were so redacted that it was a joke.
It was almost as bad as the documents that the DOJ released to me about the settlement between the babysitter and the DND when the babysitter sued the DND for the abuse he endured on CFB Namao at the hands of Captain McRae.
David Pugliese
I had been trying to interest David in my story over the years, but there just weren’t any bites. To be honest, absolutely nobody in the media was willing to buy into the topic of child sexual abuse in the Canadian Forces or the fact that the military loves to hide and bury this stuff as much as possible.
It was sometime in the late winter / early spring of 2020 when David ran a story on DND stonewalling ATI requests. I contacted David and gave him the low down on what I was encountering.
David ran a couple of stories, and poof, I had my documents, this time with many fewer redactions. I got my documents around the late summer of 2020, just before the MPCC released their final review of my second complaint against the CFNIS.
The Courts Martial transcripts and the CFSIU investigation paperwork confirmed everything that I had been piecing together over the years.
The babysitter was a prolific child abuser
There were living quarters attached to the chapel
Captain McRae was known to be bringing children to the chapel and giving them alcohol.
The MPCC second review final report.
I now understand why the DND and the Minister of National Defence gave in so easily when David Pugliese started asking questions. The DND and the MOD both knew that the MPCC had obtained the Courts Martial transcripts and the CFSIU investigation paperwork.
And sure enough the MPCC mentioned both of these documents in its final report.
I received the final MPCC report in November of 2020.
The MPCC did take issue with the CFNIS for relying on the Crown’s reluctance to prosecute as an indication that no crime had occurred. The MPCC said that it was quite evident that I and my brother were victims of crime at the hands of the babysitter. The MPCC then explained the difference between civil liability and criminal liability. The CFNIS should never had said that there was no evidence to indicate a crime had occured. The CFNIS should have indicated that the evidence presented wasn’t enough to secure a conviction.
And as clipped as the wings of the MPCC are, they found a way to stick a dagger in the back of the Provost Marshal.
As mentioned, they looked at the parallel investigation into a complaint made by another former military dependent who had been abused by the babysitter.
That’s when the MPCC confirmed the existence of the courts martial transcripts and the CFSIU investigation paperwork.
The MPCC was the other requestor that the Information Commissioner had informed me had received a copy of the CFSIU investigation paperwork and the courts martial transcripts.
The Provost Marshal must have told the CFNIS in 2012 and the CFNIS in 2018 to withhold those documents from the MPCC.
And the MPCC wouldn’t have known any better, but they did go look at that parallel investigation, probably without informing the Provost Marshal, and lo-and-behold look at what they found.
They just couldn’t grab a copy of the documents from the CFNIS. Instead they’d have to file the required ATI. And when DND complied with that ATI request that would have triggered the Information Commissioner to call me to let me know that I too could now request a copy of the released documents and DND would be very hard pressed to deny me a copy.
The MPCC couldn’t include the contents of the CFSIU paperwork or the courts martial transcripts within the findings of my complaint as the Provost Marshal didn’t include a copy of these documents in their submissions to the MPCC in 2012 and 2018.
But the MPCC did include a separate section in the final report outside of the section that dealt with my complaint against Sgt. Tenaschuk that talked about these two documents and the contents.
The MPCC noted that Captain McRae was a prolific pedophile.
The MPCC noted that the investigation into Captain McRae was triggered by the base military police investigating the babysitter as the result of numerous parents on base complaining about the babysitter molesting young children.
The MPCC noted that the babysitter’s attraction to young children was used by Captain McRae’s defence officer as a means to discredit the babysitter.
The MPCC noted that the babysitter’s criminal record for molesting children was far more extensive than what the CFNIS had indicated to me.
The MPCC highlighted that the babysitter was known on one occasion when he was almost 15 years old to have had anal intercourse with three 10 year old boys behind the recreation centre.
The MPCC also noted that it was revealed during Captain McRae’s courts martial that the babysitter was receiving psychiatric treatment for his attraction to young children.
And more importantly, the MPCC reached all the way back to the 2011 CFNIS investigation and specifically the actions of Sgt. Christian Cyr.
On May 3rd, 2011, master corporal Christian Cyr contacted me and asked me if I knew anything about the base priest molesting children during the same period of time that I was accusing the babysitter of molesting my brother and I.
During the same phone call, master corporal Cyr tried in earnest to get me to believe that the babysitter was only 12 or 13 years old at the time and therefore couldn’t be charged under the juvenile delinquent’s act. During the 2012 MPCC review, Cyr denied telling me this information or asking me about Captain McRae. The 2012 MPCC review took issue with this as Cyr noted in his records that he did ask me these questions.
As the MPCC noted in the November 2020 Final Report, the only place that the mistake is made in regards to the babysitter’s age occurs within the CFSIU DS-120-10-80 investigation paperwork. That mistake in age exists nowhere else, especially not in the babysitter’s CPIC file.
The CFNIS would have run the babysitter’s name through the CPIC database at the start of the investigation in 2011 after the Edmonton Police Service transferred the file over to the CFNIS.
So yes, the CFNIS had the CFSIU investigation paperwork right from the start of the 2011 investigation, but their goal from the start was never to bring me justice.
The sole goal of the CFNIS in 2011 was to conduct a Dog and Pony show investigation.
But this house of cards collapsed all because one CFNIS investigator thought that he knew the truth and wanted to play Mr. Bigshot.
Class Action
And of course, without CFSIU DS-120-10-80, the transcripts from Courts Martial CM62 July 15 – July 18, 1980, and Captain McRae’s Ecclesiastical trial with the Archdiocese of Edmonton there wouldn’t be a class action.
Dog and Pony Show
I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now if master corporal Christian Cyr had just kept his mouth shut about what he knew about Captain McRae and Captain McRae’s connection to the babysitter.
When petty officer Steve Morris called me on November 4th, 2011 to tell me that the CFNIS could find no evidence to indicate that the babysitter was capable of what I accused him of, I probably would have left it at that.
If I hadn’t put the plea out on the base brat groups and been rewarded with Fred Cunningham’s number I never would have learnt first hand from the former Acting Section commander of the CFSIU, that had been personally tasked by the base security officer, Captain David Pilling, with investigating Captain McRae, just how large and extensive this scandal was.
I would never know about the babysitter’s two convictions for child molestation in 1985 if James hadn’t come forward in the spring of 2012 and pointed me right towards the specific newspaper article.
I would have just accepted the results of the Dog and Pony show CFNIS pretend investigation.
After all, captain Totzke and my father blamed me for what had happened on CFB Namao.
Maybe they were right.
Maybe my father was right when he said that it was no use me trying to escape my responsibility for what I had allowed to happen.
Provost Marshal
I will say this though, from my dealings with the Provost Marshal’s office way back in the days of Lieutenant Colonel Gilles Sansterre, the provost marshal is a trickster fox.
The provost marshal is the least believable character in the Canadian Armed Forces.
And the provost marshal will lie and obstruct without a second thought if it helps to keep the dirty laundry hidden in the closet.
I’ve had a Segway scooter for the last year and a bit.
It’s been a fun little vehicle.
I gave up my driver’s licence a couple of months ago just right after I got rid of my motorcycle.
I don’t drive, and I can’t see myself ever driving again.
The last car that I owned was back in 1998.
Except for renting a car in Montreal when I visited Montreal in 2014, I’ve never driven.
Motorcycling was fun, but depression was just too strong of an adversary.
I bought the scooter more out of curiosity than anything, I wanted to see how practical it would be. Well, it has been very practical.
At 90% charge it will give me about 80 km of distance on one wheel drive in eco mode. Two wheel drive and sport mode will eat the batter up faster, but still I get good decent travel from it.
It’s not a small scooter, it weighs 45 kg. which with the suspension makes for a very smooth ride.
The wheels are a good size and width.
And the brakes are awesome, especially with the DC injection braking turned on. DC injection is where the scooter motor controller applies a constant DC current to the windings instead of a chopped alternating current. This causes the permanent magnets to repulse off the magnetic fields which causes the wheels to slow down aggressively.
The sad thing though is I am limited as to where I can take the scooter. And I don’t mean by riding restrictions. I mean due to the complete lack of secure parking for non-automobile vehicles.
one little lock and one little bike rackBicycle corpses are all over the city.
For example, I used to be able to ride over to International Village and lock my bicycle up in the secured parking lot adjacent to the parking attendant booth.
Once the mall owners put in automated parking they eliminated the secured bicycle racks as there was no one there to monitor them anymore.
Mall management suggested that everyone simply lock up outside. Sad to say that bicycles and scooters don’t stand a change locked up outside in Vancouver.
But, as long as I can keep an eye on my scooter, it’s all okay.
It’s easy to say that I’m paranoid, but portable grinders with cutoff wheels will make quick work of any u-lock on the market.
Another trick up the sleeve of bicycle thieves is they’ll throw a second lock on your bicycle / scooter so that you can’t ride off, but they can come back in the early hours of the morning to take their time.
And even if the thieves don’t steal your ride outright, they’ll grab parts off your ride and render your ride useless.
Bicycle paths are decent in Vancouver, but this is a city that is still well within the grips of 1950’s Eisenhower Car Culture.
Bicycle paths take up less than 0.001 % of the roads in Vancouver, but to hear car drivers whine and cry you’d swear that cars were banned from the city streets.
And no, “gas tax” doesn’t pay for the roads, at least not municipal roads. Municipal roads are paid for and maintained by the citizens living or renting in the city or businesses operating in the city. Everyone, tenant or landlord, pays property taxes to the city the live in and thus everyone living within a particular city pays for the roads and infrastructure in that city.
Another reason why I gave up my driver’s licence, and why I would encourage anyone else who doesn’t drive and who has never used their licence for driving to give up their licence, is that the number of driver’s licences in circulation are used by automobile lobbyists to push government to spend money on car drivers. The more licences, the more drivers, right?
Vancouver, because of its location in the lower mainland, has a massive amount of car drivers that are just passing on through. Yet these drivers expect the roads that they don’t pay for to be maintained as per their expectations.
Things would have been much worse for Vancouver save for the “Stop the Highway” movement from the ’60s that stopped a major freeway from passing through downtown and through various minority neighbourhoods in a plan to eliminate these neighbourhoods. Freeway building back in the ’50s and ’60s was seen as a way to cleanse “urban blight”. Urban blight was a code word for racial and ethnic minorities.
There really isn’t any place that I can’t go on my scooter. I ride over the Lions Gate into North Van and West Van. I go down to Richmond on it. It’s especially nice when going out to FedEx or UPS to pick up parcels as there isn’t any connecting bus service between the Canadian Line and the parcel pick up locations.
I can’t get a straight answer from Amtrak as I would really love to take the scooter down to Portland and Seattle when I go down for visits.
I would have loved to take the scooter to Iceland last year. Sure, Iceland has rental scooters available all over Reykjavik, but they generally have no suspension and have a very rough ride that’s painful on long trips. And yes, Iceland is the ideal place to grab a scooter to head off on the trails outside of the city.
Unfortunately the size of the battery in my scooter means that shipping it by sea in a shipping container is about the only way it’s ever going to get over to Iceland.
$$$$$$$$$$$
The only thing that I get a chuckle about still is from the owner’s manual for my scooter.
Apparently you’re not supposed to ride this scooter if you’re older than 60 or you’re wearing heels.
As I responded to Zuzu, no, I haven’t given up on obtaining Medical Assistance in Dying.
Transitioning is something that I want to get off my plate.
It’s like a dying child using “Make-A-Wish”.
Transitioning, or more appropriately, nullifying my male gender is something that I had wanted to do all of my life.
I have never identified as a male.
I didn’t ask to be a male.
So, at least I’m going to take some big steps.
Start off with the androgen blockers and the estrogen replacement.
I will lose a lot of my muscle bulk, which is good. Mentally my body has always felt much smaller that what I physically am.
Next step would be orchiectomy and then the penectomy.
And that’s it.
The genitalia that I’ve always considered to be foreign is gone.
The body that I have never identified with is gone.
The body that I will have will have the breasts that I always felt were missing. They won’t be much to look at, but at least they’ll be breasts.
The hips that I have always felt should have been wider with the iliac crests for me to rest my hands on will never be there. Male puberty was a long time ago, and some things can’t be undone.
No labia majora, no labia minora, no clit, no vagina, no cervix, no uterus, no ovaries.
A female?
No.
A male?
Thankfully no.
As I discussed in a previous blog post, I never thought that I was giving off signs as to my gender issues, but nonetheless others have picked up on it. These were usually men who were certain that I was gay due to some effeminate traits or signals that I wasn’t aware that I was giving off.
Unfortunately I will now have another faction of people to deal with.
There will be women out there that will despise me.
You’ve never had a period!
You’ve never experienced growing up knowing that you could be raped at any moment.
You’ve never had a pap smear.
Yep, sure.
I’ll never get to become pregnant and have children.
The raped part?
Sure, technically in Canada rape was not a crime that could be committed against boys. But I did spend 1978 to 1980 getting penetrated by my babysitter. I would go on to be sexually abused by men, some of whom were in positions of authority.
If anything I am only following the whims of my genes and my DNA.
I am firm believer in the nature side of the nature vs. nurture debate.
Yes, the male brain and the female brain are identical in build. Autopsies, MRIs, fMRIs, CT scans, EEGs have shown that for the most part male and female brains function the same. But what these scans and tests can’t yet detect is the wiring of the brain.
The human brain has to have some instinctual information hardwired into it otherwise every human born would have to learn the basics at birth.
Breathing?
Instinctual
Swallowing?
Instinctual
Latching on to your mother’s nipple?
Instinctual.
Women don’t have to learn from other women how to engage in sexual intercourse just as men don’t have to learn from other men how to engage in sexual intercourse.
“So how was Henry last night? Did you have sex with him?” “Oh, sure I did, if you can call it that” “What do you mean?” “Well, he kept rubbing his flaccid penis against my ear” “What?” “Yeah, he said that no one had shown him how to get an erection and he didn’t know how to make his penis hard” “But why your ear? Don’t you know where his penis is supposed to go you silly girl?” “My mother never showed me, so I thought that it was supposed to be my belly button, be he told me not to be silly.”
Sexual behaviours are basic instincts. Every human is born with instinctual level knowledge as to how their genitals work.
All humans begin their first few weeks not as a blank slate, but as a fetus that appears to be female from the outside.
This is why most clinics will not tell the parents the gender of their child, it’s not that they don’t want to, it’s that until about 12 weeks its almost impossible to do with anywhere near 100% certainty.
Prior to 6 to 8 weeks all fetuses have labia and all fetuses have vaginas, and all fetuses have a clitoris.
Over the next few weeks things will begin to change.
All fetuses have a pair of gonads in their lower abdomen.
If the fetus has XX chromosomes the gonads will descend into the pelvis where they will become ovaries.
If the fetus has XY chromosomes the gonads will develop into testes and they’ll descend to down to where the scrotum will eventually be.
The timing of the development of the gonads is critical as the gonads will drive major changes in the fetus.
If the gonads become testicles, they’ll start to secrete androgens, one of which is testosterone. The labia majora will close and fuse together, this is why males have that ridge in their scrotum. The labia minora will become the penile raphe. The clitoris will become the glans of the male penis.
If the fetus is XX, the gonads will become ovaries which will secrete estrogen and other hormones associated with female development. The genital features that are in place already will continue on with their development. The uterus will form as will the fallopian tubes.
There is a very interesting condition that occurs when a fetus has XY chromosomes but has Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome or AIS. This whole topic is well beyond me, but basically due to a genetic coding issue the androgen receptors on the cells in their body are unable to bind with androgen molecules.
These people are born with genitalia that looks female. And nothing is suspected until their teenage years when they fail to develop secondary sexual characteristics and they fail to start to menstruate.
A blood test or a tissue test will show that instead of being XX, their cells are all XY. They have no uterus and they have undeveloped testicles in their abdomen.
Other gender variations arise from XO, XXY, XXX, XYY. Even “normal” XY and XX can have a multitude of variations due to variations of genes on other chromosomes.
The idea that there are only two genders if fucking laughable.
The above paragraphs deal with gender. The next few paragraphs will deal with gender identity.
I am of the firm belief that gender identity is hardwired into the brain along the same time the gonads form into either testicles or ovaries. Your brain has to be wired to be able to use the various parts of your body. To say that the human brain is formed as just a billion random neurons with no purpose is laughable. Every human brain, barring genetic defects, has the same sections that preform the same functions.
There has been quite a bit of research done into the development of the human brain so far as it relates to gender and orientation.
Much like the genitals of a fetus require androgens to interrupt the development of female genitals the human brain as it turns out is destined to be “female” unless it is masculinized by exposure to androgens.
Can an XY male that doesn’t suffer from AIS identify as a female?
Why not?
If the human brain is supposed to become masculinized with the exposure to androgens, is it not possible that timing issues or hormone levels or even hormones from the mother’s bloodstream have affected the fetus’s brain?
Is there a brain test or a brain scan that will detect this masculinization to see if it occurred at the right level to fully modify all of the original female wiring.
Nope.
You get people like me who feel like the junk they have is not what should be there.
You get people like me who don’t fit the masculine roles that we’re supposed to fit.
But back to the topic of M.A.i.D..
I want medical assistance in dying because I am tired.
I am burnt out
Will transitioning change my desire for M.A.i.D..
No.
But at least I will for once be able to be comfortable in my body.
Well, it looks as if the Minister of National Defence has finally grown a pair and is stripping the Canadian Armed Forces of its ability to investigate and prosecute sexual offences.
This is great news.
But it should go much further. The CFNIS and the base military police MUST be prohibited from investigating any crime on base in which civilians are the victims. This would officially remove both domestic child abuse and domestic spousal abuse from the purview of the Canadian Forces military police group.
Sadly it’s too late for the kids of CFB Namao to receive justice.
The settlement from the class action will be the only acknowledgement that we will ever receive.
There will be no admissions of guilt.
There will be no prosecution.
There will be no admission that the military justice system outright failed us.
There will be no investigations to see how extensive child sexual abuse was on the bases in Canada and how often these matters were mishandled by the military justice system.
In my matter the police force investigating this matter was guided by all sorts of wishy-washy policies enacted by the various National Defence Acts.
And none of these policies dealt directly with child sexual abuse.
For example in 1998 the Canadian Forces Provost Marshal put order CFPM 2120-4-0 into effect that stated that in the matters of sexual assault that occur on base when both the victim and the abuser are civilians, the matter is to be handed over to the outside civilian authorities having jurisdiction.
One military dependent sexually abusing other military dependents would be a perfect trigger for this order.
That policy was outright ignored by the CFNIS in March of 2011, and it was ignored by the Federal Court of Canada in 2013.
Yes, CFPM 2120-4-0 instructed the military police and the CFNIS that matters involving civilian on civilian crimes and sexual assaults involving civilians be handed off to the outside civilian authorities, but as the CFPM 2120-4-0 wasn’t hard written into the National Defence Act according to the Federal Court, the Provost Marshal in 2011 was free to ignore this directive at will.
The Provost Marshal and the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service can whine and cry and protest all they want.
They fucked up.
Yes, they may have had no choice in the matter, but they fucked up nonetheless.
In 1980 the military police were not allowed by the chain of command to call in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to deal with the babysitter.
Why didn’t the base commander allowed the RCMP to be called in? Remember, the Canadian Forces moved heaven and earth to keep this investigation and prosecution within the military justice system and out of the prying eyes of the Canadian public, even going so far as to move the court martial “in-camera” and sealing the transcripts. The military would have lost all of this power had the babysitter been investigated, arrested, and then prosecuted in the Juvenile Delinquents Court. One peculiarity of the Juvenile Delinquents Act was the fact that the juvie court could find an adult responsible for the delinquency of a minor and issue summary fines and sentences. All of the work that the Canadian Forces undertook in 1980 to keep Captain McRae a secret would have been all for naught if the babysitter went to juvie court.
In 2011 the CFNIS had the 1980 CFSIU investigation paperwork and the court martial transcripts, both of which heavily implicated the babysitter with the abuse of numerous children on the base. In fact as Fred Cunningham stated in 2011, and as the babysitter’s own father stated to me in 2015, it was the babysitter’s abuse of children that triggered the investigation of Captain Father Angus McRae.
Yes, the existence of the paperwork wouldn’t have proved the babysitter’s guilt, but the fact that he had been investigated by the military police and was found to have been sexually abusing children during the exact same time period that I accused the babysitter of molesting me and my brother would have probably encouraged the crown to request a more in depth investigation.
Remember, it wasn’t that the babysitter had been cleared during the military police investigation, or that the charges had been dismissed against the babysitter , the chain of command on Canadian Forces Base Namao prevented both the base military police and the CFSIU from calling in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to deal with the babysitter.
And yes, when I requested in 2017 that the CFNIS question the former base commander of CFB Namao, retired brigadier general Daniel Edward Munro, as to why he dismissed the majority of charges against Captain McRae and why he wouldn’t allow the RCMP to be brought in to deal with the babysitter, the CFNIS obtained a legal opinion from a legal officer in Ottawa that stated that due to the 3-year-time-bar that existed prior to 1998 no charges could be brought against Daniel Edward Munro so therefore no investigation was to occur.
However the CFNIS failed to pass any of this information on the Albert Crown prosecutor’s office. In fact the CFNIS seemed to have withheld numerous bits of information from the Crown.
This was a tactic that the military police employed in the ’90s during the CFB Gagetown Rape Controversy in which a military spouse was gang raped by numerous soldiers in a barracks on the base. The general consensus was that the military police would give a case to the crown that the military police knew the crown would not prosecute. The military police would then blame the crown for the failure to bring charges.
During the 2012 MPCC investigation of my complaint against the CFNIS, the Provost Marshall willingly withheld the existence of the CFSIU paperwork and the court martial transcripts from the MPCC. In fact the Provost Marshal withheld numerous documents from the MPCC.
Federal Court rules state that an applicant for judicial review cannot enter into evidence any documents that were not before the tribunal in question.
This means that I was unable to enter into evidence anything that the Provost Marshal hadn’t given to the MPCC. Which was a lot. If I had to guess, I’d say that the Provost Marshal withheld from the Military Police Complaints Commission over 80% of the documents from the 2011 investigation.
Even though the 2nd CFNIS investigation was conducted much better as an inspector with the RCMP had set down some ground rules and directions for the CFNIS to follow, in the end the CFNIS basically resubmitted the same brief word for word to the Alberta crown that the CFNIS submitted in 2011. The second time around that CFNIS again failed to notify the crown of the existence of the 1980 CFSIU investigation paperwork or the 1980 court martial transcripts that indicated that the babysitter was known to have molested numerous children on the base during the same frame of time that I had made my allegations against him.
And I know that the exact same brief was filed because when I filed for judicial review in 2013 I was given a certified copy of the documents before the MPCC. In 2019 when I appealed the findings of the Alberta Victims of Crime decision that no crime had occurred based upon the CFNIS investigation, I was given a certified copy of the documents before the Alberta Victims of Crime. This included the 2018 submission to the Alberta Crown. It was identical to the 2011 submission.
See, the problem with the military police is that they are soldiers first and police officers second.
The investigators with the CFNIS must obey the lawful commands of their superiors. Their superiors must obey the lawful commands of their superiors. And so on, and so on.
The military basically….
This means that investigations conducted by the CFNIS can be exposed to political interference.
Children who were sexually abused on military bases in Canada were of absolutely no concern to the brass at NDHQ. And the brass at NDHQ was certainly not going to allow a bunch of base brats sully the public image of the Canadian Armed Forces.
What would the public think if they discovered that children were not entirely safe while living on allegedly secure defence establishments?
What would the public think if the public were to be told that children who lived on bases in Canada prior to 1998 and who were sexually abused by members of the Canadian Forces could not obtain justice due to the existence of the 3-year-time-bar?
What would the public think if the public were to be told that due to the principles of “double jeopardy” military service personnel who sexually abused children on base prior to 1998, and who had their charges dismissed by their commanding officer, could never be tried again on the same charges by either a civilian or military tribunal. I would like to think that the Canadian public would blow a collective gasket if they were to discover that these commanding officers that had the power to dismiss and charge brought against their subordinate had no legal training, no legal background, and prior to 1997 didn’t even have to consult with a legal officer before dismissing charges.
And what would the public think if they discovered that the likelihood of charges being brought against an abuser in the pre-1998 days had a lot to do with the rank of the victim’s serving parent versus the rank of the abuser and ultimately the rank of the abuser’s commanding officer.
A corporal’s demand that charges be brought against a captain when the captain’s commanding officer is a colonel isn’t going to go too far. Especially not when that commanding officer is the base commander and had the ultimate authority over everyone on that particular defence establishment. This would include the corporal, the corporal’s commanding officer, the base military police, and the Canadian Forces Special Investigations Unit detachment located on the colonel’s base.
Two weeks from now, at around this time I’ll have anti-androgens and estrogen coursing through my blood stream.
I received the results of my blood test earlier this week. Nothing out of the ordinary. My cholesterol is a little high, but nothing to worry about.
My testosterone levels are on the low side. Probably a side effect of my anti-depressants. But again, nothing to worry about.
I really don’t know how things are going to play out at work.
I have a pretty secure position, but still.
For the most part I don’t think that I’ll have any problem.
I know my life in the great outdoors is gonna get a little more complicated.
But complicated is what I seem to do the best.
To not be male is my primary goal.
As I’ve said, I’ve never identified as male.
But nonetheless male is what I have been.
Was never really masculine enough.
And people have always accused me of not being straight.
Captain Terry Totzke was the first person in my life to accuse me of being a homosexual.
For years after the abuse I had always wondered if Totzke was right. Maybe I got abused because I was gay or because I acted too much like a girl.
School wasn’t too bad, until grade 7 when everyone’s hormones started switching into overdrive, then I was a target for the real boys who didn’t want a faggot in their midsts. I could never figure out what it was. Was it the way I walked? Was it the way I talked? Was it the fact I never acted like horndog around girls and that I never showed any interest in girls?
When I worked for Ed, Bruce, and Dirk at Classic Billiards, Ed was always quick with the gay humour. I got sent to do a service call at the Hotel Isabella by myself with Ed asking me if I got any “action” when I came back to the shop. Ed even sent me off to see a rather interesting promoter in the city. Ed kept asking me if he made any advances to me and if I did anything with him.
In my teen years I would periodically find myself being groped by random men. I never could figure out why I was being groped and no one else was. Like I’d be riding the subway and some dude would make a bee line for me on an empty car, sit down beside me, make some small talk, and then his hand would be massaging my crotch. One time I was downtown at Funland Arcade, I was playing pinball, and the guy wasn’t even being coy about it, he just came up from behind, stuck his hand between my legs, and he wasn’t even coy about it. And as he’s doing that he asks me if I want to go back to his place as he finds me really cute.
I got mugged back in 1995 down at Burrard and West Georgia in downtown Vancouver. The first thing that the investigating officer wanted to know is was this actually a fight between me and my boyfriend or perhaps I tried to pick up a straight guy in a bar.
I had a manger in the early ’00s who would frequently refer to me as “Freddie” as in Freddie Mercury. He would often urge me to use protection when I had sex as he didn’t want me to catch AIDs.
While I was working for this same manager, one of the contractors that did construction projects for the company used to wait until no one was around, then he’d call me a faggot, or a fucking queer. I’d go talk to the manager and he’d laugh it off and tell me that I had to grow a thicker skin if I wanted to survive in the world.
When I first started working at the hospital my department was managed by an outside management firm. I had two mangers that worked for this outside contractor. One of these managers refused to acknowledge me. The other manager, who was the first manager’s manager said that I was far too flamboyant and that if I toned it down maybe the other manager would begin to tolerate me.
But through all of this, never once did I feel “gay”.
I just never really was attracted to women.
And actually, I was never really attracted to men either.
Since I was a kid I was certain that I was going to have nice breasts. Not big ones, nothing like Dolly Parton or Jane Mansfield. Just nice ones.
All the other stuff I wasn’t too concerned about because I really wasn’t aware of the other stuff yet.
Around age 5 on CFB Shearwater, me and three of my female friends were playing in the garage attached to one of their PMQs. I can’t honestly remember how it came to this, but the three of them were tying to help me push my penis back inside because the consensus was that I must have peed too hard one time and that’s why everything popped out and why I didn’t look like them.
But the differences down below never really caused me any issues until later.
In the years that I lived on CFB Griesbach in the aftermath of CFB Namao I really despised what I had between my legs. I didn’t like it and I didn’t want it.
Even though I had been sexually abused for 1-1/2 years, I’m certain that the disdain that I felt towards my junk wasn’t because of the abuse.
About that time I had started going through the early parts of puberty.
And I really didn’t like what was going on.
The feelings of phantom breasts were becoming more intense. It’s like I felt like these should be developing, but they never did.
And at the same time it felt like my hips were supposed to be widening, but they never did. It’s an odd sensation that still persists to this day.
I used to cry myself to sleep every night hoping that I’d wake up as a girl the next day, but childhood hopes can’t overcome physical realities.
It was just after we moved to CFB Downsview in Toronto that my nipples started to secrete a milky white liquid. Finally! I thought that I was finally going to get my breasts. Nope.
Apparently some boys experience this leakage and it’s quite normal.
Transitioning isn’t something that I just decided to do on a whim.
I legally changed my name back in 2008 as a first step in the process.
Bobbie was supposed to eventually become Bobbi.
I even wrote my father a detailed letter explaining what I wanted to do and why I was doing it. He never wrote back or called after that.
And it’s not like he didn’t know what was coming down the pike. In August of 2006 we had an in depth conversation about the events on CFB Namao in which he blamed his mother for hiring the babysitter and that I just had to understand that none of it was his fault.
I told him that I wanted to go after the babysitter and Richard cautioned me against doing that as I might not like the way the shits smells.
After we had that initial telephone call he called me on a daily basis for almost 2 months, but then the calls just suddenly stopped.
I think maybe I had mentioned the verboten topic in casual passing in one phone call.
When I got my name change in 2008 I was so geared up towards taking the necessary steps, but then in 2009 I got an offer of employment that would steer me off course.
The new job disappeared due to a dispute between two factions of shareholders that owned the company. One faction wanted to keep the business operating, the other faction just wanted to sell the property and get the money and get out of there.
I ended up taking some of the shareholders to the Supreme Court of BC. Took a few months of legal back and forth but we ended up settling out of court.
Armed with this, I decided to take on the babysitter.
That was a fucking mistake.
I could have transitioned years ago, but instead I got ensnared in the shit my father warned me about. For 13 years I got derailed on my gender adventure by a military hellbent on keeping their dirty laundry out of sight of the public.
They lied, and they lied, even though they knew the truth.
They called me a societal malcontent with an axe to grind against the military.
The Minister of National Defence accused me of being a scammer looking for a quick buck.
So, here I am waiting for two weeks.
Two weeks for me to get my first dose of anti-androgen meds and my first dose of estrogen.
I won’t truly be a woman, and I’m fine with that.
Just so long as I can no longer be considered a male, I’m happy with that.
If this works and there are no adverse effects, then I do plan to have all traces of my male genitalia removed. No penis, no testicles, no scrotum. Just nothing.
I’ve often wondered what it would be like if humans were born genderless and then had to choose a gender on the 16th birthday, what gender would I have chosen.
The sad thing about being a human being is having to endure other human beings that “know more”.
“God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” blah, blah, blah.
There’s only two genders……. blah, blah, blah.
Boys are supposed to have sex with girls, not with other boys (Totzke said this)…… blah, blah, blah.
You can’t have a penis and testicles and long for your phantom breasts and phantom hips….. blah, blah, blah.
I’m not a brainologist, or a genderologist, or a sexual attractionologist, I’m just a XY that’s never felt like an XY or identified as an XY.
So, I bit the bullet last week and I ordered an Ancestry DNA test.
I’ve always been kinda curious about my lineage.
According to my father, I’m my Uncle Al’s son.
But then again, according to Richard I’m Bill Parker’s son.
So, it’ll be interesting to see what comes back.
There are pictures of my brother and I as kids.
He has the same skin tone and brown eyes like my grandmother.
Me?
I look like my mother, and so does my brother.
But he also looks like he has First Nations blood.
Me, not so much.
My father was a horndog that would literally fuck anything that moved.
I’ll be interested to see if I get any hits for half-brothers and half-sisters that I didn’t know about.
He was with the Royal Canadian Navy for 6 years before he remustered into the airforce after the unification of the Canadian Forces in 1968.
But even when he was with the airforce he was often away on training exercises.
So there’s no telling how many panties he dropped.
And the thing with being in the Canadian Forces back then is when he said that he was going away on training exercises, did he really go away on training exercises?
Or were his “weekend training exercises” just panty raids.
But other than discovering how far and wide my old man distributed his tadpoles, I’m really curious about the maternal side of my family.
As I’ve said previously, I more or less know about the paternal side of my family. My paternal grandmother raised my brother and I for about 6 years of our lives as kids.
I did meet my paternal grandfather, albeit only for a few weeks over the 1982 xmas holidays.
I met both of my paternal uncles, uncle Doug and uncle Norman.
I met two of my paternal grandmother’s brothers, Uncle Jimmy and Uncle Johnny.
I even met my paternal grandmother’s sister, Aunt Karen.
So far as the maternal side of my family, I only vaguely remember uncle Al. I never would see uncle Al again after my father was posted from CFB Shearwater to CFB Summerside.
Well, now that M.A.i.D. is off the table until 2027 I’m going to pick up on an issue that I wanted to deal with prior to 2011 when I sent my email to the Edmonton Police Service.
I don’t really think my complaint with the BC Human Rights Tribunal will have much effect on the government, at least not in the short term.
And I don’t expect to hear anything from the DND and the DOJ until at least 2030. They’re gonna want to ride this matter out for as long as possible.
In 2008 I legally changed my name.
This was done for two reasons.
The first was that I had decided that if Richard wanted nothing to do with me, then I wanted nothing to do with him.
The second was that at the time I was considering undergoing gender reassignment.
For all of my life, up to that point, I had never felt like I was a male.
I never connected with “male” things.
I loved dresses as a kid and feminine things. Once I got my first apartment in New Westminster around 1994 I started buying dresses on the sly and wearing them in my apartment.
As a kid I used to get the shit beat out of me on CFB Downsview ’cause I acted like a girl or walked like a girl or cried like a girl, etc.
The teachings of Captain Totzke were still fresh in my head that I had been sexually abused by the babysitter because I enjoyed having sex with boys.
But then in 2011 I had to go and try to get justice for what the babysitter had done, so that derailed my plans.
And maybe that was a good thing in a way.
See, I had fallen into the same trap that most of society has fallen into and that is there were only two genders. If you’re not a male, then you have to be a female, and vice-verse.
As a kid I had always wanted breasts. I was so certain that I was going to develop like the other girls, but that never happened.
I was around 12 when I realized that I wasn’t going to develop breasts. And I was fucking devastated.
I had always felt that my hips should have been larger, but they never grew out.
And on top of that I had Captain Totzke drilling into my head that I was a “homosexual”. Which wasn’t clearly explained to me what that entailed, but it was bad apparently.
So, I never really knew what I was.
Didn’t enjoy relationships with women, but I didn’t enjoy relationships with men either.
So………….
After having been kicked and beat by the Canadian Forces since 2011, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect.
And reflect I have.
I don’t identify as anything.
I’m not male.
I’m not female.
Not gay.
Not straight.
I’m nothing.
And I’m cool with that.
So, I’m going for an appointment with my physician in April.
Even though I don’t identify as a woman, doesn’t mean that I can’t have breasts.
Breasts will work nicely with my wardrobe.
And as I’ve said, I’ve always felt like I should have had breasts.
I’m pretty sure that I will enjoy having breasts.
Hips?
Nope, not at this stage of life. My pelvis has been exposed to androgens for too long.
The junk I was born with?
Never have liked it, it’s always felt like it never belonged down there.
What do I plan to do?
Well, the first thing will be to start on anti-androgens and then start on a estrogen.
Due to my age I more than likely won’t be able to oral estrogen, I’ll more than likely have to stay with dermal patches.
The nice thing about going on estrogen is it will reduce my muscle mass. My body has always felt foreign to me. The mental image that I have of my body is much smaller than what my physical body actually is. My body has always felt like it belonged to someone else.
If the anti-androgens and the estrogen have the effects that I desire, then I intend to go for orchiectomy. That is I intend to have my testicles removed. Castration basically. Absolutely no more androgen production.
And then a penectomy. That is, the complete removal of my penis.
But no, there will be no vaginoplasty. I got fucked enough as a kid, I don’t need anymore penises inside of my body. Besides, as I said, I don’t truly identify as female. It’s just I don’t identify as male.
And I want to get rid of my male junk.
How will I pee? Good that you asked.
Same way that guys who have had penectomies due to cancer urinate. My urethra will be connected to a new opening and I’ll urinate through that.
What will I look like? A Ken doll…….with a scar.
Isn’t that a bit drastic?
No.
As I’ve said, I have always despised the junk between my legs. It’s always felt like a punishment.
So, I get to get rid of it finally AND I get to have the breasts that I always wanted.
In 2008, just after I legally changed my name, I sent my father a letter explaining why I had changed my name. I was very clear with Richard this was something that I wanted to do and that he was losing a son that he didn’t want and was gaining a daughter that he wouldn’t have wanted either.
I guess this is why he told the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service in 2011 that he knew that I had changed my name, but that he didn’t know why I had changed my name.
He knew why I changed my name. I guess that having a homosexual son was bad enough, but now having a gender non-conforming son was even worse.
I had called him during the 2011 CFNIS investigation. I asked him for help with the investigation. Not once did he return any of my calls. And he plunged the proverbial knife into my back in 2011 when he gave his statement to the CFNIS in 2011 in which he denied the babysitter looked after my brother and I and in which he denied that grandma was raising my brother an I on CFB Namao.
So yeah, I guess his gender non-conforming son was an insult that he wasn’t willing to wear.
I do wish that he was still alive.
Just so that he could see me in my dresses, with my breasts…….. that would have been priceless.
But Bobbie, you have no hair!
Yep, that’s cool. There are a ton of awesome looking bald women. With tattoos to boot. In fact, the reason that I started shaving my head back in 1990 was Sinead O’Connor. She looked powerful with her 0 buzzcut.
One thing that I do wonder about, what would things have been like had I come out as gender-queer and gender non-conforming on a Canadian Armed Forces base when I was a kid back in the ’80s?
Sure, the civilian world wasn’t that too receptive yet, but the civilian world was far more accepting than a Canadian military base would have been.
Would I have survived?
Or would I have quietly disappeared either at the hands of my own father or at the hands of another member of the Canadian Forces disgusted by a person like me being “out” on the base.
If I had told my father or even Captain Terry Totzke between 1980 and 1987 that I identified as a female, I think I would have encountered a tragic conclusion.
Anyways, enough about the past, I’m looking forward to my April appointment.
Just couldn’t muster enough strength or energy to get out of bed.
I did manage though to file a complaint against the Federal Government for their faiure to provide Medical Assistance in Dying to persons suffering from mental illness.
I specifically named Justin Trudeau, Mark Holland, and Arif Virani. Justin Trudeau is the head of the Canadian Government. Mark Holland is the Minister of Health, and Arif Virani is the Minister of Health.
Some may say “Bobbie, isn’t this a bit harsh? They’re only looking out for Canadians”.
No, they’re playing politics.
They’re putting the electability of their party ahead of the needs of persons suffering from mental illness.
Canadian society turns a blind eye to the number of easily prevented deaths on the public streets in the name of car driver convienience. Mandaroty GPS based speed limiters and a 20 km/h blanket speed limit in any municipal area would cut the amount of deaths on the public streets by at least 3/4.
Canadian society turns a blind eye to the ever increasing death toll from illicit drugs because the law ‘n’ order crowd says it must be so.
I no longer want to be burdened by brain crushing depression, anxiety, and never ending memories of the abuse, neglect, and degredation of my childhood and the bible thumpers jump up and down that suffering is good for the human soul and that their imaginary friend would be sad if I died.
On the complaint submission the form asks what you expect to see as a resolution. I basically said that until legislation is introduced to formally enshrine the rights of Canadians to die by M.A.i.D., the Justice Minister and the Health Minister should be required on a case by case basis to review applications for M.A.i.D. and either approve or deny the applications on a case by case basis.
Anyways, it will be intereting to see what happens with this. I’m sure that the government has some sort of legal immunity to having to respond to the BCHRT.
One of the things that I really hate and despise about my life is my ability to read and undertsand technical documents.
This causes a shit load of friction at work as I’m not qualfied to do the work, but I’m often expected to do the work none the less because I know the most about it.
Some of the guys at work think that I’m playing games, that I’ve had some sort of special technical training or that I’ve taken technical courses and that I’m playing “dumb” becuase I want to keep all of my superior knowledge to myself.
The only thing that I’m really good at is RTFM (Read The Fucking Manual).
We had the cooling tower make-up water line freeze durnig the cold snap. The heat trace wasn’t applied to the pipe properly so it froze and burst.
I asked my guys to cut the insulation off the pipe so that the plumbers could re-pipe the whole section. I must have been speaking in Klingon ’cause none of them understood. “But Bobbie, we’ve never done insulation before, I don’t feel comfortable doing it”. Take a box cutter, slit the insulation from one end of the water line to the other, and then peel off the insulation and throw it in the garbage.
I’m a grade fucking 8 dropout. I left school due to a fucking dysfunctional household. Trade school, college, univeristy, etc. were never going to be in my future.
But, I’m doing BACnet network installation, I’m working on replacing the dead soft starter on chiller #3. I was instrumental in having all of the variable pitch mechanisms replaced on the supply fans with fixed pitch hubs and VFDs.
It’s not that I hate my job, it’s just that circumstances beyond my control put me here. Untreated meantal illness. Untreated sexual abuse. Unacknowledged neglect, physical abuse, and mental abuse.
This job isn’t what I would have done in life had I had a chance.
What would I have done in life? Don’t know, but it sure wouldn’t have involve work where I’m probably the dumbest silly fucker going, but I’m also yelled at the most for not respecting the fact that the other guys just don’t know as much as I do.
“Bobbie, you gotta respect that these guys just don’t have your skills and abilities, you’re pushing them too hard and they’re getting upset”
Sure, I could have found a sugar daddy when I was 17 who would have put me through school and trade school…….. but I hate sex and I don’t like people, so that wouldn’t have worked.
I could have played the lottery or scratched the scratchies, but that’s not the way to higher learning.
With my father yelling in my head non-stop about how I fucked with his military career, how I’m really not as smart as I think I am, and how I allowed the babysitter to abuse my younger brother, etc., I never would have had the confidence required to finish school, or go to trade school, or go to college, or go to univeristy.
Beeshive 