A lonely existence.

Me. At 11.

Yeah, my childhood after CFB Namao was a very lonely existence.

I guess the trauma and the shock of what I had been through on Canadian Forces Base Namao at the hands of P.S, along with the dysfunctional household that I was growing up in really fucked with my emotional well-being.

Being involved with Captain Totzke couldn’t have really helped with my self worth very much.

My father had convinced anyone that would listen that I was how I was because it was all an act so that I could shirk the responsibility of allowing the babysitter to molest my younger brother.

The fact that most of the kids on CFB Griesbach knew who I was and what I had done didn’t help the situation very much.

The nice thing is that most people who got to know me saw that there were problems and they weren’t all mine.

And at age 50 I can see why people like Captain Totzke and my father did what they did.

As a child you simply can’t understand the biases, the prejudices, or the politics at play.

Even still, I find myself at age 50 completely unable to make friends. Sure, I’ve got co-workers and superiors and subordinates at work. I also deal with contractors, trades, and suppliers at work. But these are professional relationships.

I’ve met many people on my journey to receive justice and acknowledgment for what happened on CFB Namao. But other than the fact that we were all sexually abused on Canadian Forces Base Namao by the same two people, I can’t relate to anyone.

It’s not that I’m a loner by any definition. I like being out and about. I like going to coffee shops, and malls, and events.

I still can’t properly read or express emotions properly. When people appear to be upset or angry I get scared and afraid. That’s probably one of the reasons I hate any type of conflict at work. Maybe that makes me too accommodating, I don’t know.

I take no pride in my work. And by this I don’t mean that I don’t take care with my work. It’s just that no matter what I do all I can hear is my father yelling and screaming that I have to stop showing off, that I’m a stupid worthless piece of shit, and that anyone could do what I do, that I’m not special in any sense of the word.

So yeah, at age 50, what is going to be fixed?

The time for fixing these issues was 30 to 40 years ago.

The time for banishing Captain McRae, P.S., Captain Totzke, Colonel Munro, Richard Gill from my skull was years ago. Trying to evict these fuckers at the age of 50 is almost pointless.

And that’s the thing, my whole life has been nothing but enduring the self doubt and self hatred caused by these people.

If I didn’t listen to Richard’s negativity for the majority of my adult life, could things have been better. Probably not as there would have still been lots of issues given to me by the others.

If I didn’t listen to Captain Totzke’s thoughts on the apparent homosexuality I had exhibited when I had been molested by P.S. and Captain McRae, would my gender identity and sexual orientation been less fucked up? Possibly, but there were still a shit load of other issues fucking me up.

And that’s one of the problems. There wasn’t just one thing fucking with my psyche. There were numerous issues fucking me up and robbing me of a future that could have or should have been mine.

Dealing with these issues in the here and now may unleash fresh new self doubt, self hatred, and regret.

In other words I think I just have to make peace with these issues.

I’ve got my dresses, my tattoos, and my bicycle to keep me company.

Speaking of tattoos, I finally got my right ankle finished.

My goal is to have all parts of my body covered with ink by the time 2023 / 2024 rolls around.

The Jewish Cowboy

Bob Becker

I worked for a Jewish Cowboy when I lived in Toronto.

All of Bob’s customers called him the Jewish Cowboy because he always wore cowboy boots, khakis, long sleeved button up shirts, and a Stetson. Oh, and he was Jewish.

I don’t know too much about Bob’s origins other than he was Jewish and he was born in Poland sometime in the late 1920s early 1930s.

When I lived on Canadian Forces Base Downsview I was a loner. Actually for most of my life after CFB Namao I was a loner. One of the things I loved to do was to jump onto the railway tracks that ran through the base. I’d walk up the railway tracks as far north as the rail yards north of Steeles Avenue.

I was always fascinated by the dead animals that I’d find on the tracks. How could they not hear a train coming. Even without sounding their horns trains were loud. Was it a quick death. Did the animal even know what had hit it. Was it painful. A million questions.

Usually I’d bring a book with me and I’d climb the signal platforms and read my book on top of the signals while the trains passed underneath.

On one of my journeys up the railways I saw a warehouse with video games in it. I was curious. I hopped the fence and went over to take a look.

I can’t remember how things went down, but I told Bob that I was handy with electronics and that I could solder. So as a test he asked me to solder some wires to a joystick. So I stripped the wires, fluxed the wires, tinned the wires, fluxed the switch tabs, applied a small bit of solder to the switch tab and then I applied the tinned wire into the molten solder blob, removed the soldering iron and let the solder cool. It was nice, and shiny, and perfect.

Bob then asked me to look at some video game logic boards that had some problems. I fixed them.

So I had a job. Bob paid good, just a little bit above minimum wage, which for a 13 year old wasn’t bad. And on days that I worked, Bob paid for my meals. Bob refused to buy me smokes or to let me smoke in the workshop, but he wouldn’t say anything if I stepped out for a smoke.

Bob owned two companies. Trans American Construction and Trans American Video Amusements. I don’t think he had operated Trans American Construction much by the time I started working for him. His main business was Trans American Video Amusements.

When I started working for Bob his shop was in a warehouse on Finch. A little while later he moved to a new warehouse on Steeles Ave.

Bob’s customers spanned all the way from Oshawa, Ontario to Niagara Falls, Ontario. He had agreements to put video games in all of the Holiday Inns in Southern Ontario as well as all of the Hasty Markets. Bob also had various other locations such as small convenience stores. I’d usually go in and work with Bob on Saturdays.

Bob had a Dodge Kary Van that was modified with a lift gate on the rear for lifting and lowering the video games in and out of the box.

Bob’s was red, not white and didn’t have the hazard light bar on top.

We drove in this van pretty well all over southern Ontario.

Bob wasn’t the least bit hesitant to drive on base and stop in front of our PMQ and toot the air-horns to let me know that he was waiting.

Bob didn’t like my father very much. Bob would often tell me that what concerned him the most about my father is that my father just didn’t seem to care that I was never home. What type of man lets a stranger take his son on the highway and out of the city?

By the time Bob moved up to Steeles Avenue I would come to work after school and I would stay there until 9 or 10 at night. Bob could always tell I was leaving late because Gerry, the guy who owned that auto shop next-door, would tell Bob what time I was leaving, and Bob could see what time I armed the alarms.

And this blew Bob away. He said that he’d never seen anything like this. He said if his daughter started disappearing for hours that he’d ground her.

And my smoking. Bob had never seen anything like it. The fact that my father didn’t care about my smoking shocked Bob. Bob couldn’t comprehend this.

I never could understand why Bob cared so much about my father or my home life. I guess at the time I didn’t realize just how off the rails and dysfunctional my household actually was and how apparent the dysfunction was to people outside of my family.

Bob was a good natured guy. He never really got angry or upset. I dropped a video game out of the back of the truck in the shop one day. I thought that Bob was going to be pissed off, or worse. Nope. Shit happens, just try harder next time. My father would have killed me or at least humiliated me.

One time we were driving to Niagara Falls. Antonio was with us. Antonio was another helper that Bob often employed. Bob was driving, Antonio was in the passenger seat, I was sitting between Bob and Antonio. Bob asked Antonio to clean the sideview mirror. Antonio reached into the glove box and grabbed a small “rag”, rolled down the window, and started rubbing the dirt off the mirror using the “rag”.

“Antonio! After all I have done for you, this is how you repay me!” Bob bellowed.

Antonio starts looking at Bob and then looks at the mirror thinking maybe he didn’t clean the mirror good enough.

I forget exactly how the exchange went but I clued in really quick once I saw the decorative embroidery around the edge of the “rag”. Antonio still hadn’t figured out why Bob was upset so I pointed at the “rag” and then I pointed at the back of my head. Antonio didn’t get it right away, but then the realization started to dawn on Antonio’s face. Antonio unfolded the “rag” and realized that he had just used Bob’s yarmulke to clean the mirror. When Bob saw the look of horror on Antonio’s face he couldn’t stop laughing. Antonio spent the rest of the day apologizing to Bob.

Bob got a flat tire once in the truck. I got underneath to put the jack in place under the axle. Bob didn’t realize that my legs were under the lift gate and he was in the process of unloading games off the truck to make it lighter. Bob treated me like royalty for the next couple of weeks after that.

Bob bought me a jukebox at one of the video game auctions at Starburst Distributors for my 15th birthday. Wasn’t an expensive machine, but it was more that what Richard had bought me, which was nothing.

I’m pretty sure that the summer of 1987 was the last summer that I worked for Bob. That was the year I dropped out of grade 9. And it was also the year that I started working for Ed Blah and Bruce Beveridge of Rainbow Games. But the summer of 1987 was when I learnt a little bit about Bob’s history.

We were moving games down to the CNE from Bob’s warehouse. As the CNE happened in August this was typically the most humid time of the year in Southern Ontario. Bob was sweating, and I mean really sweating. Sweating so much that I was certain that he was going to pass out from heat stroke. I kept insisting to Bob that he should take his long sleeve shirt off and wear a short sleeve shirt or a tee-shirt.

Bob was becoming visibly annoyed with my pestering. He looked over at me and asked me if he showed me something would I promise never to bother him again about short sleeved shirts. He also asked me to promise to never tell anyone about what he was about to show me.

Remember when I said that Bob had been born in Poland in the late 1920s? Remember the fact that he was Jewish.

Bob rolled up his left sleeve and there was his concentration camp number.

The Nazis had rounded him and his family up and they were sent to a concentration camp.

Bob was the only one who survived the camps. The rest of his family was gone.

After the war Bob first landed in America before settling in Canada.

And I think this is what bugged Bob the most about my father.

Bob’s family had been destroyed by hatred. Richard was destroying his own family out of indifference.

The Nazis had taken everything away from Bob and Bob in turn built a miniature empire and looked after his wife and his daughter.

Richard never had to deal with a force of destruction like the Nazis, but here he was content to exist in his little self absorbed world not caring in the slightest where his kids were getting off to.

It shocks me now to look back on all of the people I had interacted with as a child. People who I liked. But people who I though were wrong about my father. It wasn’t that my father didn’t care, my father was in the Canadian Armed Forces. He was a busy man defending Canada. Besides, I made the babysitter molest my younger brother, so maybe he was right to not like me very much.

I didn’t know that my father was being physically or mentally abusive. My father’s attitude was common on the bases amongst the other fathers. In fact when I saw civie kids “getting away with murder” I thought it was their parents that were abnormal or just too weak to discipline their kids properly.

Now I fully realize that men like Bob Becker were right. There was something horrifically wrong with my family. My family was a dysfunctional and self destructive military family.

My Tattooing

How I spent 6 hours on Wednesday

So, I got my right leg tattooed on Wednesday.

Eduardo did the honours at “Slight of Hand Tattooing” on Granville St.

GoPro set for 1 picture every 60 seconds.
Live action of Eduardo shading in one of the bands on my leg.

So, I finally got around to getting my right leg tattooed with the matching pattern from the left leg.

Everything was going fine right up until the last section which is the lower band on my ankle.

I guess that after 6 hours in the chair I just completely ran out of stamina and we had to stop.

I’ll have to go back to finish off the section.

No big deal.

But now to plan out my other adventures in tattooing.

Definitely have to finish off my face next.

Then it’s on to my arms.

On a side note, did you know that Kristen Bell is covered in tattoos?
https://youtu.be/dKSwIuom5c8

Sitting in Emerg.

Well, went for a tattoo today and everything was going fine until right near the end.

Started getting really sweaty. My pulse was tripping along at about 125 bpm. I stood up, and promptly collapsed.

This isn’t the first time I’ve had syncope.

Never fainted while getting a tattoo before, but I am new to escitalopram.

So, I ventured off to St. Paul’s got an ECG and a bunch of blood tests just to make sure that it wasn’t the escitalopram causing me trouble.

Now I’m just sitting here in the waiting area for the results of a second round of blood tests.

The doctor doesn’t seem to think it’s anything serious from the results of the first test.

I’ve always wondered if my ease at hospitals is due to the amount of time I spent in hospitals when my father was stationed at CFB Shearwater or the amount of time I spent getting tested and checked out in Edmonton.

I don’t remember much about my stays at the IWK, but I do remember going to a park a lot as a kid.

In 2015 I went to Halifax, Nova Scotia for a visit. I hadn’t been back in Nova Scotia since when my father was posted to CFB Summerside in 1977.

I spent the week wandering around the city. Paid a visit over to CFB Shearwater and saw the PMQ that I had lived in.

On one of my trips downtown I visited the Halifax Public Gardens. The park just seemed so familiar. Kinda like how CFB Shearwater had a vague familiarity to it.

On my way back to Vancouver I stopped over in Calgary for a few days to see Marie. I told her about my trips around Halifax and my visits to the Citadel and CFB Shearwater. I mentioned to her my trip to the Halifax Public Gardens. I asked her how many times she had taken me there as the park had seemed really familiar to me. She said that she had never taken me to the public gardens. She said that she rarely drove to Halifax except when absolutely necessary as she hated driving over the bridges.

The answer was in my records from the IWK children’s hospital.

On each of my admissions to the hospital Richard had signed a permission for for the hospital staff to take me from the hospital for “walks”.

The IWK Children’s Hospital is one block away from the Halifax Public Gardens.

IWK Children’s Hospital

So, it wasn’t my family taking me to the IWK Children’s Hospital. It was either the staff or volunteers at the IWK Children’s Hospital. And I was in that hospital frequently.

This one always strikes one when I read it

Working in a hospital is an interesting career.

I was hired here as a 4th class power engineer in the physical plant servicing the HVAC equipment, steam systems, chilled water systems, condenser water systems, and heating hot water systems.

I still remember the first time I got called up to a ward to consult on a patient. I was over in the power house working on a regulator. The chief engineer at the time called me on the radio and asked me to head up to 7C and speak to the unit coordinator. When I got up to the ward the staff were all like “See, I told you”. I found the unit coordinator and asked them why they wanted to see me. They escorted me over to a patient room and asked me if I could show them how to remove nipple rings from a patient that needed to go for an MRI. These were segment rings. Unlike a captive bead ring, a segment ring doesn’t have a ball to pop out. The ring must be slightly stretched for the segment to release.

Over the years I’ve been called to emergency a couple of times for the same thing… how do we get this out.

Twice I’ve been called up to give advice on how to remove roofing nails from roofers. One guy had shot the roofing nail through his knuckle and the other guy had shot the nail through his safety boots and into his big toe joint. All I could say is for the ER staff to cut the head side of the nail off as close to the knuckle as possible and then use vice grips to pull the nail through. The flutes on a roofing nail make it almost impossible to pull a roofing nail in reverse without great effort and without doing damage to the bone. Yep, guess who got asked to supply and use the Dremel tool.

The funny thing about these two guys is neither of them seemed in great pain. But none the less the staff administered ketamine to the patients before removing the nails. One thing I’ll say about ketamine is that stuff acts super fast. One minute the guys are talking, the next minute their eyes roll back and their jaw goes slack.

One nightshift I had to change a control panel on an operating room table that had an open heart surgery procedure in progress.

I had to fix an HVAC mixing box in a maternity room where a delivery was in progress.

One weekend I got called up to the CCU because the code blue button didn’t work. The charge nurse directed me over to the room. When I got there I had the pleasure of watching the code blue team working on a teenager.

I’ve be on elevators when the morgue stretcher is brought on with a deceased heading to the morgue cooler.

I’ve removed hair from the garburator in the autopsy suite.

I got called into the autopsy suite one day. Pathology had called the plant office saying they had a problem with a lift. Being a lift, that was automatically assigned to mechanical. When I got to the suite there was a covered body on one of the exam tables and the battery operated lift was in the lowered position. I plugged the charger in to see if it was charging the battery. Nope, it was dead. I said that I’d go get an electrician and see if they could autopsy the charger and figure out what went wrong.

There are many more stories I could tell, but that would be a complete other blog entry.

Tattoos

Tomorrow I get more ink….. YAY!

Okay, tomorrow I’m getting more ink. I’ll be doing my right lower leg this time.

I’m going to take my GoPro camera and I’ll set it up for time lapse. I just have to decide how many pictures per minute I want.

I’ll probably be in the chair for 6 hours again.

You’d think that simple black tattoos would be super quick, but they’re not. Especially if they’re being done in solid blocks. Any mistakes will show up very quickly.

I have some ideas for my face. I’ll go over them with Eduardo tomorrow and see what we decide on. This I’ll probably be able to get done in November.

Of course this won’t be the last. I want ink on every limb of my body. I have some ideas for my arms and torso.

Why tattoo?

Why not.

Humans have decorated their bodies pretty well since time immemorial.

I don’t see why I can’t.

Writing for the sake of writing.

Tattoos. Where will I stop?
How much ink is enough?

Taking the new format for a spin.

I’ve updated the home page of this blog to something more user friendly.

I found the previous layout far too confusing. Hopefully this layout is easier to read.

In two days I’m going for a dental appointment and then a tattooing appointment.

Dental

The dental appointment will be a checkup but this will also be the first time that I’ve ever been on antidepressants. That’s not such a big thing for the appointment itself other than the antidepressants seem to drastically reduce the amount of grinding I do. I’ve already had a couple of extractions to remove damaged teeth. I’ve got a feeling that my canine teeth are going to be extracted next. There’s just too much damage to my teeth.

And yeah, the damage is all due to bruxism and to a smaller part clenching.

I don’t drink sugary pops. I rarely eat chocolate. I drink my coffee black. And I brush 2x a day and floss a few times a week.

At this point in time I have no plans to get dental implants or dentures. If I do decide at a later date to get implants they’re easy enough to get installed with minor surgery. When you crack a tooth and then it dies you risk a really bad infection.

Ask me how I know.

By the time I got to the dental surgeon the tooth was completely infected and the infection was starting to get into my jaw bone. Luckily it just took a bit of scraping to remove the infection from my jaw bone.

If you’ve never had your jawbone scraped, you don’t know what you’re missing. You should give it a try sometime.

My canines have been capped a couple of times, but my grinding just wears right trough. They are starting to get real sensitive. So I’ll get the dentist to evaluate them and see if it’s better to get them removed instead of waiting for them to crack and get infected like my molars did.

Tattooing

I’m hoping in the next while to get my body covered with as much ink as possible. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t have much in the way of an eye for faces or images. Simple geometric patterns appeal to me. Large blocks shapes appeal to me as well.

And now that I’m done dealing with the Canadian Armed Forces and their defective “justice” system I’m going to have more time for myself and more time to worry about me.

On Wednesday I’m getting my right leg covered with the same layout I have on my left leg. Then were going to spend an hour or two laying out some designs to fill in my face.

My face I’ll probably start on again in November. The lines haven’t caused any controversy at work, so I’m going to thicken them up and introduce some perpendicular lines. I might post some of the preliminary designs.

Tattooing my face was kinda sorta accidental. I only wanted to fill in the void space on my chin. And then it sort of just grew from there.

It was the strangest feeling getting my face tattooed, but it also felt exhilarating. When it was done it felt liberating. I know that some people would think that having permanent marks on my would make me scared to be seen. But having tattoos on my face has been anything but. They’re kinda like armour. To me they present who I feel like.

The first couple of days after I had my face tattooed were really odd. Every time that I would see myself in a mirror it just floored me that I had actually tattooed my face and that I was more than happy with it.

I’ll have to admit that people at work were a little taken back when I first got my facial tattoos. But now no one seems to mind.

After I get my face done, then it’s off to my upper thighs. Next I’m going to fix up my arms. And then finally my torso.

When all is said and done I’ll probably have spent about $5k to $6k putting ink on my body.

To me it’s money well worth it.

And to be really honest, the pain and the accompanying adrenaline rush numb my inner turmoil, so there’s that.