I’m currently on patch #3, tomorrow will be patch #4
Things seem to be mentally more clearer.
Not better, just clearer.
Make sense?
Didn’t think so.
A co-worker asked me if I was still contemplating M.A.i.D..
I don’t see anything changing at this moment.
In fact the BC Human Rights Tribunal directed my complaint to the Canadian Human Rights Tribunal.
2027 is still awhile away.
In a way it’s my desire for M.A.i.D. that has given me the freedom to transition.
As I’ve said before, I really wanted to transition since the ’90s. But the fragility of employment along with the absolute lack of family support meant that transitioning was always going to be a far off desire.
When I could no longer control my desire to transition and I changed my name I made the fatal mistake of going after my babysitter from Canadian Forces Base Namao.
That put me 14 years even further behind.
So it’s either transition now or never.
And I chose now.
Body changes so far?
I’ve noticed that some fat seems to be moving around.
My desired muscle loss hasn’t happened yet, but it will.
My long sought after breasts haven’t started growing yet. They are puffy though and their texture is starting to change. So I know that something’s brewing.
I’m off for the month of June, but I’m hoping that when I go back to work in July that I’m sporting a noticeable pair of bumps.
Surgery to help things along?
Nope.
I’ll be happy with whatever estrogen has in store for me.
I have no intentions for any type of surgery except for removing things.
Well, it’s 62 days until I go visit my physician and ask him to assist me with making my formal application for Medical Assistance in Dying.
I think my doc is getting cold feet. I hope that he doesn’t chicken out. That would really fuck things up for me.
No, I don’t want more meds.
No, I don’t want fucking group hug basket weaving therapy.
No, I don’t want to explore my chakras or sing medieval healing chants.
Forever sleep and forever peace is what I want.
And I think after all that I’ve been through in life that I deserve to go to sleep to escape this constant never ending cycle of depression, anxiety, and never ending memories.
So, it’s 68 days until I make my application for MAiD.
Sorry to disappoint, but my videos are probably going to get a lot more centred around death, after all it is my goal.
To escape and to be free.
Technically I won’t be able to enjoy my new found freedom, but that’s only becuase I’ll be dead.
What I won’t be is hounded by the past.
A past that I never asked for.
A past that had been obscured to me even though I had lived through it and suffered greatly becuase of it.
It’s weird, the closer I get to March 22nd, the more relaxed I become.
Now, of course the 22nd of March is when I make my application, not when I actually undergo the proceedure.
I’m hoping that I can undergo the procedure within a year of making my application.
That said, I’m going to start pivoting my blog away from the Canadian Armed Forces and anything related to the Canadian Forces Base Namao.
So far as the class action goes, c’est la vie. It’s in the hands of the lawyers and the hands of the Department of Justice, so I’m not going to waste any time with that any more.
Anyways, here’s a new video for your viewing enjoyment……
One of the problems that I’ve always had is answering these things truthfully as I had always been told as a kid to answer these types of tests with whatever I thought that the person administering the tests wanted to hear.
And besides, as a kid I had it drilled into my head that the abuse that I endured on Canadian Forces Base Namao was because I was an out of control homosexual. So of course I wasn’t going to answer anything correctly.
So, I gave this test a quick go, and I think I aced the ACEs test pretty well.
I scored a perfect 10 out of 10 on this test, and I didn’t even have to study for it.
This one’s from California, but they all generally ask the same questions.
The only one that I really couldn’t answer is #6. I know that Richard had been in the brig at Stadacona before I was born. His service file doesn’t say for what. I don’t honestly know if he had ever been locked up after I was born. Makes me wonder if any of his “training exercises” were actually 1 or 2 week sentences.
Anyways, I’m hungry, so I’m going out to get something to eat.
Because I wish to obtain Medical Assistance in Dying and because I post about it on social media, the algorithms keep filling my feed with posts that deal with M.A.i.D.
There are those who are convinced that the government’s intention with M.A.i.D. is to save money on mental health treatment by forcing people with mental illness to undergo M.A.i.D. instead of living on social assistance.
Others are convinced that the government is going to send white vans around in the cities of Canada to euthanize the homeless and the elderly.
One of the major problems that mental health care faces in Canada is that our general population is overwhelmed by American media. American media is dangerous in the fact that it pushes an imaginary economic reality that does not exist. Americans believe in low, low, low taxes. Which is why they have massive infrastructure problems, crappy schools, non-existent social safety nets, and almost non-existent health care. That, and America’s defence spending is completely out of control.
Fellow Canadians see the low taxes that Americans pay, and so they demand from our governments that we pay the same stupidly low taxes up here as they do down there.
Which is why our health care is crumbling. Which is why mental health care is almost non-existent. And which is why mental illness is vilified as being due to laziness and poor personal choices.
America has had homeless mentally ill people wandering the streets and living in tents on the street for years, like since back in the ’70s and ’80s. And this problem is coming up to Canada.
American style austerity is a cancer.
But Canadians love their low, low taxes and their cheap imported goods, so don’t look for any kind of funding increases any time soon.
A lot of disabled rights groups and mental health rights groups want mental illness yanked as one of the criteria for being able to access Medical Assistance in Dying.
But the problem with doing so is that you deny people such as me the right to end our lives as we see fit. You also ensure that I suffer mental pain for 10, 20, or even 30 more years.
Better mental health funding wouldn’t have done anything for me. As I’ve said before, I was a “dirty little secret” and my lack of mental health treatment was due to the desire for secrets to be kept from the Canadian public. No amount of public mental health funding was going to change that.
And having the government of Canada rescind the right of Canadians such as myself to avail ourselves to a humane and painless death at the time of our choosing isn’t going to increase the funding for mental health treatment and housing for persons with mental illness.
To get Canada on track again, Canadians would have to eschew American style disaster capitalism and embrace full democratic socialism. Canadians would have to learn to understand that higher taxes do lead to overall better outcomes as any of the Nordic or Scandinavian countries can attest.
But changes like that would take years, especially when you consider how much money American right wing think tanks pump into Canada on a yearly basis to try to convert us into a mini-USA.
I don’t know what the solution is for the time being.
As I’ve said, I make my application in March of this year. Hopefully I get my two assessments by no later than July. So hopefully I can undergo my procedure and cease living sometime in December of 2024 or early 2025.
I don’t want to be forced to suffer as a casualty in someone else’s war.
Banning M.A.i.D. for mental illness isn’t going to cause 500k new low income houses to be built.
Banning M.A.i.D. for mental illness isn’t going to cause 500k new assisted living homes to be built.
Banning M.A.i.D. for mental illness isn’t going to give those living with disabilities or mental illness $100k in yearly income assistance.
But banning M.A.i.D. for mental illness will prolong the suffering that persons like me have to endure, and I would envision that it would increase the number of suicide attempts and suicides as persons try to escape their pain and torment.
I don’t envy the struggle the mental health and disability advocates face, but please don’t fuck with my ability to die peacefully and painlessly.
Bobbie, why don’t you just move on, get on with your life?
That would be great, but that’s not how this works.
Therapy won’t work.
Pretending that the past never occured won’t work.
Captain Terry Totzke and his ham fisted conversion therapy have pretty well ensured that therapy won’t work.
As I said, it’s not like no one knew about the events of CFB Namao.
Captain Terry Totzke knew.
My father knew.
So this isn’t some sort of secret that I’ve kept within for the last 40 years.
I was lied to by mcpl Robert Jon Hancock, mcpl Christian Cyr, wo Blair Hart, mwo Terry Eisenmenger. Not only was I lied to by these four, they tried to fucking gaslight me. I would also have included Sergeant Damon Tenaschuk of the CFNIS Pacific Region, but I think Sgt. Tenaschuk was the first CFNIS investigator that I met that wasn’t willing to follow the orders of the chain of command like an obedient mindless robot.
What constitutes as gaslighting?
Telling me that there never was any type of fire at PMQ #26 even though they had the Canadian Forces Fire Marshall’s records for that exact fire.
Telling me that there was never a rectory attached to the chapel and that Captain McRae didn’t live on the base, but that he lived off the base.
Telling me that Our Lady of Loretto chapel didn’t exist on the base when I lived there even though the blueprints for the chapel indicated that it was built in 1956 and still stands to this day.
Telling me that the babysitter wasn’t capable of committing the crimes I accused him of even though they had CFSIU DS 120-10-80 in their possession right from the start of the investigation in March of 2011.
Refusing to talk to my father again once my social service paperwork indicated that his statement to the CFNIS was completely implausible.
Lt. Col. Gilles Sansterre outright lied to me when he told me that the CFNIS and the Provost Marshal couldn’t figure out who Fred R. Cunningham was and that he couldn’t have known anything about the Captain Father Angus McRae matter even though Sansterre had access to the CFSIU DS 120-10-80 paperwork and would have known that Warrant Officer Fredrick R. Cunningham was the lead investigator and the military’s witness against Captain McRae.
And that’s what gets me.
They had absolutely no concern for me or my well being. Not from 1978 to 1980. Not from 1980 to 1983. And not from 1983 to the current day. To the Canadian Force.
The CFNIS willingly and intentionally withheld the existence of CFSIU DS 120-10-80 and the court martial transcripts from the Alberta Crown.
The CFNIS willingly and intentionally withheld the existence of the transcripts from Courts Martial CM 62 from the Alberta Crown.
The CFNIS and the Canadian Forces Provost Marshal intentionally withheld CFSIU DS 120-10-80 and CM 62 from the Military Police Complaints Commission in 2012 and the Federal Court of Canada in 2013 in order to sell their narative that “they did the best they could in a historic child sexual abuse matter but that the evidence just wasn’t strong enough”.
So, how does one move on from not just child sexual abuse, but psychological malpractice, and then intentional professional misconduct?
I’ve been trying to engage the media since 2011 over this matter.
Except for David Pugliese, not a single fucking person has ever spoken to me. The Canadian Forces said this, the Canadian Forces said that, don’t you think the Canadian Forces would have done this or that if there was enough evidence?
The media in this country is useless. There is no such thing as investigative reporting anymore. No one goes digging for the story. Especially not when it comes to DND and the CAF.
David has been outright forthcoming with how the DND and the CAF have both threatened him with access to government officials and offical news information if he kept digging up dirt.
Others though seem as if they don’t want to risk losing advertising dollars or government contracts by making the DND and the CAF uncomfortable.
Don’t believe me?
In 2014 I was supposed to have been interviewed by Maclean’s as part of their bombshell stories on sexual abuse in the Canadian Forces. Everything was a go pretty well until the day of the interview.
Turns out that the parent company of Macleans had just days before signed a multi-year contract with the federal government to provide cellular phone service to the DND and the CAF.
The day I arrived at this magazine’s offices in Toronto I was told that the editior who wanted to run my story abruptly stopped working for Macleans and that Macleans wasn’t interested in running attack pieces on the Canadian Forces any more and that this topic was best left for the DND and the CAF to sort out.
I was told by Alberta Crown prosecutors Jon Werbicki and Alberta Chief Crown Prosecutor Orest Yeriniuk that I simply waited too long and that it wouldn’t be in the best interests of the public to bring charges against , meanwhile just a week or two ago it was announced in the Canadian Media that a 97 year old nun was charged with three counts of gross indecency from the 1960s.
Oh yeah, it happened at a residential school and not a Canadian Forces Base. And it was investigated by police officers of the Ontario Provincial Police, not soldiers posing as police officers of the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service.
Attacking the residential schools is okay because society expects these literal hellholes to be places of abuse.
It’s the year 2023, almost everyone expects to hear of new stories about the church involved with child molestation.
No one dares attack the Canadian Forces as they’re our defenders and surely our defenders wouln’t have turned a blind eye to child sexual abuse on the bases, right?
So no, there will be no therapy.
There can’t be.
Counsellors have no idea of what life was like on military bases.
Counsellors have never heard of child sexual abuse on the bases.
Counsellors will never be able to overcome the one major hurdle, and that is the simple lack of an acknowledgement.
The only way in which a counsellor could hope to do anything is to gaslight me on a major scale.
Do people really feel more comfortable not knowing the time of their death versus knowing the time of their death?
I’ve had people say to me that the would rather not know when they are going to die.
For me, it’s different.
Everyone dies.
For me, knowing the approximate time of my death is nice as I can start making plans to wind down my life. There’s a lot of issues to be taken care of before one’s death.
For me I get to plan out my final months, my final weeks, my final days, and my final hours.
I get to be put to sleep where and when I want to.
I get to have my corpse disposed of as I wish.
I can even invite whomever I wish to my death.
Prior to deciding to apply for Medical Assistance in Dying I was always terrified of actually living to my 70s or 80s.
Not knowing when I would be able to die is what panicked me the most. How long would my fucked up brain keep replaying this shit. How long would my fucked up brain keep sabotaging shit. Everything that I try to do my depression fucks with.
Now, knowing that I have the possibility of dying when I’d like to die, which is sooner than later, I have found myself in somewhat of a calm and serene mood.
As I have said before it’s no fun suffering from major depression and severe anxiety. Especially not when your own father would tell anyone who would listen that it was all just an act for attention.
It’s no fun having the events of CFB Namao playing over and over in my head. It’s no fun having the memories of Terry and my father playing over and over.
Always being stuck in a state of wondering how different things would have been if matters had been looked after properly on Canadian Forces Base Namao. Or how different things would have been if Andy hadn’t been drinking that evening. Or how different things would have been if Angus McRae had been thrown out of the military the first time he molested kids on base.
The memories of of the abuse are burnt into my brain.
They’re not going anywhere.
It’s not my job to “try harder” to forget about them.
And pretending the events on CFB Namao didn’t occur is just as bad as remembering them as forgetting the events will leave empty holes that will just bring the memories right back.
Society in general doesn’t seem to have a problem with death.
Society, espeically the religious, seems to be very intolerant of a person chosing to die.
Simply look at the number of deaths from vehicle collisions each and every year.
Society is willing to accept the deaths from Car Culture as just a small price to pay for driver convenience.
Limiting horsepower, mandating GPS based speed limiters, banning vehicles from municipal streets that don’t have pedestrian friendly crumple zones are all proven methods to reducing the CARnage on our public streets.
But society won’t take those simple steps as that would hurt car sales.
Deaths on the public streets have gotten so out of control that local governments and police forces go out of their way to victim blame in these circumstances as a means of ensuring the municipality / state / province won’t be held liable for unsafe street designs, insufficient speed enforcement, etc.
That’s 785,000 deaths in 20 years due to the belief that Bubba-Joe needs a 400hp car to drive 5 blocks to the 7-11 to pick up Ding-Dongs and smokes.
But for some weird and bizarre reason, society is very, very reluctant to approve of death in order to be relieved of mental health issues.
It’s almost as if society is okay with death as long as the person dying isn’t seen as having a say in their own death.
This no doubt is a result of the belief of imaginary friends in the sky and the concept of “life after death”.
People seem to be comforted by the idea that they will still somehow exist after their death. People seem to be comforted by the idea that they will go to a land of happiness and eternal sunshine if they keep their imaginary friend happy.
When we die, we die.
That’s it.
That’s all.
And there is nothing wrong with that.
That’s the way life works.
I think it’s a fucking shame that religious people think that I need to be made to suffer in life so that I can make their imaginary friend happy with the notion that if I keep their friend happy then I can float up to a paradise in the clouds and enjoy eternal happiness.
Maybe it’s also a way for the religious to avoid taking responsibility for hell on Earth.
My life was altered into a sick fucking joke starting in 1978. I didn’t have a say in this.
I only get one life.
Maybe that’s the difference between me and the religious.
I accept the fact that we only get one life.
I don’t simply shrug my shoulders in the belief that the magical sky-daddy will open his arms to me if I suffer, and that the magical sky-daddy will even let me have another turn on Earth.
I am the result of Richard’s and Marie’s DNA mixing, plus a lifetime of lived experiences.
I will never exist again. No one similar to me will ever exist again.
I could choose to suffer like an imbecile.
Or I can choose to die and be freed from all of this nonsense.
Beeshive 