I started out life as a military dependant. Got to see the country from one side to the other, at a cost.
Tattoos and peircings are a hobby of mine.
I'm a 4th Class Power Engineer.
And I love filing ATIP requests with the Federal Government.
I have WordPress set up to give me reminders to write blog entries twice a week.
Today’s prompt was “Have you ever broken a bone”.
The only time I ever had broken bones was on Canadian Forces Base Griesbach in Edmonton.
This would have been in the spring / summer of 1982.
The was just after my father and my step mother had their civil union in our PMQ.
Richard took Sue to Jasper for a honeymoon.
Richard and Sue went to Jasper, my father dropped my brother and I off with our mother in Calgary. Yes, the same mother that Richard told social services that had just up an abandoned her family.
My father had borrowed a pick up truck with a camper from one of his air force buddies named Tim.
Representation only, but Tim’s truck was a 4×4
The pickup truck was a 4×4, so with the camper on the back the camper sat up pretty high. I’d say the roof of the camper was about 3m off the ground.
Due to my father’s inability to look after my brother and I my brother and I had devolved into trying to find the best way to get the other in trouble with Richard.
This was more of a survival technique than just childhood brattiness because if Richard was dishing out physical punishment to the other, that meant that you weren’t getting punished.
Anyways, my brother had decided to pack the pop-up vent in the roof of the camper full of leaves. Richard was at work. I knew that I was going to be in for the beating of a life time if Richard came home and found the vent packed full of leaves.
Why?
In Richard’s mind, I was my brother’s keeper. And even though Richard couldn’t look after his two sons, I was somehow supposed to be my brother’s father.
So, I hurried my ass up the ladder on the camper and cleaned all of the leaves out. Made sure that the vent was like spick and span.
On my way down the ladder I slipped and landed on my back.
I had the wind knocked right out of me.
One of the neighbours came over and helped me up.
Somebody called the military police and the military police called my father at the squadron.
My father hated being interrupted at work.
When he came home he wasn’t too pleased.
First, I was a stupid asshole for having played on the roof of the camper.
Then after the neighbours had told him that they saw my brother on the roof of the camper stuffing leaves into the vest I was a stupid fucker for not keeping an eye on my brother and for allowing my brother to get on top of the camper.
Did Richard take me to the hospital or even to our family doctor over in North Town Mall?
Nope.
I spent two days at home in an extreme amount of pain.
I couldn’t even wipe my ass after taking a shit, that’s how painful my wrists were.
Finally three days later he took me to the Charles Campsell hospital where it was found that I had numerous fractures in my right wrist and that my left wrist was heavily sprained with hairline fractures in the bones.
He told the doctors that I had only told him this morning about me having hurt my wrists a couple of days ago but that I didn’t seem to be in any pain.
As the doctors were setting my arms in casts he kept telling me that I should have told him sooner.
I shudder to think how long I would have had to suffer with my broken wrists had my family not been under the supervision of Alberta Child and Family Services.
I don’t think that Captain Terry Totzke would have given a flying fuck about my predicament, but Alberta Social Services wouldn’t have been none too pleased.
I was Richard’s “little buddy” for a couple of days afterwards, but that didn’t last too long. I guess that wiping my ass took a toll on him really quickly.
One of the things he did say is that I should have just left the leaves in the vent and that he would have made my brother clean them out.
There’s no way he would have handled things so calmly. Sure, he probably would have beat the shit out of my brother for having fucked around, but he would have beat the shit out of me for not looking after my brother and allowing my brother to do what he did.
I was only supposed to have my casts on for 6 weeks.
Richard decided that I was going to keep my casts on until the start of school so that I’d learn my lesson and not fuck around like I had.
I can still feel the fractures when I have to do heavy lifting or use large wrenches.
I can still remember Richard feigning surprise when he was told about the damage to my wrists.
I’m currently on patch #3, patch #4 will be on Wednesday.
Not too much noticeable in the way of changes, but there are some changes.
My facial hair isn’t growing as fast.
My nipples have started to change shape, and now it feels like there’s an empty void behind them.
And my testicles are smaller.
Other than that I’m still waiting on the muscle loss.
I did go for physio last week and the one thing we noticed is that my muscles aren’t as stiff and tense as they usually are.
I don’t expect the really noticeable changes to start occurring much before June.
June is my vacation month, so I am expecting to go back to work looking a little different than I did before my vacation.
That should be very entertaining……..
A co-worker of mine whom is aware of my blog and my desire for M.A.i.D. has asked me if finally being able to transition will put an end to my desire for M.A.i.D.. I told them that we’d have to wait and see. We’ll have to see what awaits in 2027.
I don’t really expect to see any results for a couple of weeks.
Mental changes should start showing up first.
Physical changes should be showing up in a few weeks.
Facial hair should be the first to slow down, followed by hair on the other parts of my body that females typically don’t have increased hair growth at puberty such as their backs or their chests. Arm and leg hair will slow down but not by much.
Muscle loss should be coming up shortly after that.
The neat thing is I’m off work for the month of June for my annual vacation and this is when most of the new changes will start to come into effect.
When I go back to work after my vacation there should be some noticeable changes.
I’m hoping that after my first three months on 50 ug patches that I can look at something stronger. But this will depend on the results of my blood tests.
As long as nothing goes out of whack and as long as my body processes the estrogen properly I can’t see any reason why I wouldn’t be able to step the dosage up.
One thing that I didn’t anticipate with transitioning is that blood tests will be a frequent requirement. For the first while they’ll be monthly. This is just to make sure that my androgen levels are decreasing like they should and that the estrogen is not harming my liver.
Because I’m over 50 my doc wants to work me up to the full dose of between 100 – 400 mcg of Estradiol
My starting dose will be two 50 mcg patches per week.
I’ll have to go for blood tests every four or five weeks to see how things are progressing.
The blood work will guide us in ramping up my dose of estrogen.
Once the estrogen is under control then my doc will start me on an androgen blocker such as Spironolactone.
Between the estrogen and the androgen blockers my testicles won’t stand a chance. They’ll start shrinking on their own.
It’ll be about a year before I can request surgery to remove what I want to have removed.
If everything goes fine then I should start sprouting breasts in about 3 to 6 months. My breasts will max out in about 2 to 3 years. And if I stop taking hormones my breasts will remain.
My testicles will start to shrink in about 3 to 6 months and will reach maximum effect in 2 to 3 years. This will be permanent even if I stop taking hormones.
My muscle mass will start to decrease in 3 to 6 months and I will have achieved maximum muscle loss in 1 to 2 years.
Decreased growth of facial and body hair in 6 to 12 months with maximum effect in 3 years.
My skin will start to soften between 1 to 6 months. It’s unknown when the maximum effect will occur.
If my gender dysphoria and my gender related issues resolve with hormone therapy, then I should be able to decrease my anti-depressants.
There are some side effects, such as an increase risk for stroke, blood clots, etc.
But to me the risks are more than worth it.
Am I happy that I’m finally starting to transition?
Yes.
This is something that I have wanted to do for so long.
Am I upset that I let the CFB Namao issue get in my way?
Honestly, had I started to transition back in 2008 when I had changed my name in preparation for transitioning I think that the CFNIS would have taken me even less seriously if I had shown up for my video statement in a dress with breasts than they already did.
I can only wonder what Richard would have thought seeing me after my transition.
Work is going to be wild over the next while. Yeah, I’ve worn dresses, skits, kilts, etc. for an eternity at work. But I don’t think that anyone at work has any ideas of what’s coming down the pike.
I think one of the most crippling aspects of my personality is the imposter syndrome that I suffer from.
I have absolutely no idea of what I could have done in life.
But it hasn’t just been my lack of formal education that has held me back.
Yes, I only have grade 8.
But I also obtained my grade 12 GED with absolutely no preparation and no studying.
My marks were in the low 50s. Which is actually quite good.
The final scores on a GED equal the percentage of graduating high school students that your grades were equal to.
On the GED you absolutely do not want 100% as your final mark.
I consider myself to actually be quite stupid.
Yes, I know that there is a lot of shit that I can accomplish, but still my brain is locked on to this idea of how absolutely stupid I am.
And this causes problems at work. Oh boy does this cause problems.
I’m a qualified 4th class power engineer.
I am the Chief Engineer of a 4th class power plant.
I oversee 5 shift engineers, 3 maintenance engineers, an assistant chief engineer, and some casual engineers.
But where my imposter syndrome causes me issues is with the other engineers.
I can do things that are so far above my qualification levels.
The most recent being the replacement of the soft starter on chiller #3.
Chiller #3 has a 600 volt 450 hp motor.
This motor cannot be started across the line.
Originally it had a mechanical reduced voltage Wye-Delta starter that had been replaced with a solid state soft starter in the 90s. Well, that soft starter up and died last year.
The service company came back with a quote of $32k to replace the soft starter.
I found a brand new soft starter for $7.5k, so I decided to go with this ABB soft starter.
I had to guide the electrical department through how to connect this drive to the chiller and interface it with the chiller.
Chiller BrainsSoft Starter RelaysSoft Starter and Line Contactor
Soft Starter running for first time
Absolutely none of my engineers would have been able to do this. And it’s not for a lack of training or explanation.
And this is where the imposter syndrome kicks in really bad.
If a fucking idiot like myself can understand how to interface the soft starter to the chiller so the chiller can command it and so it can send feedback to the chiller, why can’t my subordinates understand too? We’re all 4th class power engineers. Actually two of my guys are 3rd class power engineer, but still?
I have no special training.
I have no special schooling.
And there was even some eye rolling from the chiller mechanic when I told him what I was going to do with the chiller.
“Bobbie, make sure that you connect the MCR1 and MCR2 relays as they are or the chiller won’t start”.
So I hauled out the schematics for the old Wye-Delta starter and the MCR1 and MCR2 relays were only used with the old mechanical wye-delta starter that had been tossed in the bin in the ’90s. The relays actually had to be jumpered in such a way just to make them engage so the chiller would start.
This caused ‘discussions’ back and forth.
I’m happy to report that the chiller starts just fine without the useless MCR1 and MCR2 relays.
Originally the chiller used a current donut on one of the 600 volt phases to monitor how much power the chiller was consuming. This went through a little converter board that changed the AC current into DC and then put it through a divider network to obtain a 0 to 5 volt signal. This 0 to 5 volt signal was then fed to the chiller CPU.
I happy to report that the chiller works just fine without this convertor board and that the chiller amp display now matches the actual current consumption of the chiller.
Well Bobbie, why don’t you take training or courses and move up in the world?
I am literally the dumbest fucking person you’ll ever meet. I am not smart. I just read. That’s it. My magical skill is reading.
And this causes me issue.
If I am the dumbest fucking person that I am aware of, why can’t anyone else do what I can?
A few years ago I put together a networked monitoring system for monitoring the temperatures of the refrigeration systems in the kitchens, the pharmacy, and the blood bank. This system just uses a bunch of stand alone refrigeration controllers networked together with RS-485 and some web servers. When I try to show the other guys how to program the system, or change settings on the system, you can see the puzzled looks coming across their faces. It’s almost as if I’ve started speaking in a long forgotten language or there are tentacles popping out of my face.
Again, there’s no coding involved. It’s just logging into a system made from off the shelf components. The webserver is meant to be programmed by supermarket store managers.
Where could I have gone in life without this imposter syndrome?
Who knows?
What causes imposter syndrome?
Apparently having depression and anxiety set one up for experiencing imposter syndrome.
Upbringing also plays an important part in setting one up for experiencing imposter syndrome. Apparently inconsistent parenting and unsupportive parenting place one at risk for developing imposter syndrome.
In the mean time I guess I have to be content with being the asshole who won’t “share” his knowledge with others…….
If you’ve been paying attention to the media you might have encountered a “don’t blink or you’ll miss it” news story from Murray Brewster of the CBC.
I had my first dealings with the Military Police Complaints Commission back in 2012 through 2013. And from my experience this is an agency that is intentionally set up to fail.
The MPCC is hamstrung by the rules that created it.
Why would the Department of National Defence, the Canadian Armed Forces, and the Canadian Forces Provost Marshal allow an agency to exist that would put their defective “justice system” in peril?
The DND and the CAF have fought long and hard to maintain their own separate justice system, and for good reason. It’s hard to maintain an air of dignity if the public learns that you have an epidemic of child sexual abuse on the bases.
The MPCC was created back in 1998 with the passing of Bill C-25, “An Act to make Amendments to the National Defence Act”.
But right from the word go, the DND and the CAF worked tirelessly to ensure that the MPCC would not pose a risk to their separate and distinct justice system.
That’s how we ended up with the following process to make a complaint.
How to make a complaint to the MPCC
If a person wishes to make a complaint against a CFNIS investigation, you can’t. Only members of the CFNIS or Military Police can make a complaint about an investigation.
And only members of the Canadian Armed Forces can make interference complaints.
Victims dissatisfied with a CFNIS investigation are limited to making a complaint against individuals. This isn’t accidental. This is intentional. You now have to figure out how to make a complaint against individual members of the CFNIS for their conduct even if there was nothing wrong with their conduct.
Being that members of the Canadian Armed Forces must obey the lawful commands of their superiors, what you allege as negligence or improper conduct may actually just be the results of lawful commands. And investigators with the CFNIS can’t be faulted for following lawful commands, can they now?
And because you can’t make a complaint against an investigation, you can’t make a complaint about the validity of those “lawful commands” as you’ll more than likely never know who gave those commands.
The most significant flaw with the MPCC review process is that you have to make your complaint to the Provost Marshal first.
Yes, this is the same Provost Marshal that will decide what documents to hand over to the MPCC and which documents will not be handed over to the MPCC.
This makes about as much sense as the police calling up a robbery suspect to tell them that they’re coming over in 2 hours to look for evidence of a robbery.
The Provost Marshal will then conduct a review via the Professional Standards section of the Canadian Forces Military Police Group.
Only after the Professional Standards group conducts their review and the Provost Marshal informs you of the results, can you then request a review from by the MPCC.
Requesting an MPCC Review.
You have 90 days after the review of the Professional Standards to request a review by the MPCC.
I would like to say that a review is a worthwhile endeavour, but quite frankly it isn’t.
An MPCC review is like pissing your pants. Sure, it brings you some relief, and it gives you a warm feeling. But when the warm feeling goes away, you’re wet and you stink like piss.
The problem with an MPCC review is that it is very powerless.
The MPCC cannot subpoena witnesses
The MPCC cannot subpoena documents
The MPCC cannot administer oaths
The MPCC didn’t really understand how the military police or the CFNIS operate as they have never (as per Stannard’s 2015 interview) been given documents that explain the operational hierarchy of the military police and the CFNIS, so they wouldn’t know what documents to request and who to request them from.
The MPCC can only review the documents handed to them by the Provost Marshal.
The MPCC are not allowed to share with the complainant the documents that the Provost Marshal supplied to the MPCC.
These points basically allow the Provost Marshal to hobble any MPCC investigation right from the start. And there’s nothing that the MPCC can do about it.
Yes, the MPCC could call for an Inquiry, but an MPCC Inquiry occurs just about as frequently as the birth of a unicorn.
The MPCC must obtain the consent of the Minister of National Defence in order to call an inquiry.
That’s not going to happen in a matter that has the potential to expose how the defective military justice system in the pre-1998 days was able to hide and bury military child sexual abuse on the bases, and how the modern day Military Police group can conduct “feel good” investigations that don’t accomplish anything but make the victim(s) think that the military police conducted a “real” investigation.
Remember, due to flaws in the pre-1998 National Defence Act, if you were a child living in military housing on a defence establishment, and you were molested by an active member of the regular force, you will never be able to lay charges against the former member due to either the 3-year-time-bar flaw or the summary investigation flaw.
Prior to 1998, it was the serving member’s commanding officer that was required to act as the Crown Prosecutor to decide if charges were warranted or not.
Prior to 1998 the military could not try a member for service offences if more than three years had elapsed between the date of the offence and the commencement of the tribunal.
In my matter the CFNIS knew about the intimate connection between my babysitter and the military chaplain, Captain Father Angus McRae.
And at the start of the investigation in March of 2011, Angus McRae was still alive. And the National Defence Act states that former members remain liable to be tried for service offences committed while they were active members.
But, the 3-year-time-bar and the summary investigation flaw would have out right prevented the laying of charges. And in the pre-1998 days, there was no language in the National Defence Act that allowed for service offences to bypass the required summary investigation by the commanding officer of the accused and simply be tried in civilian court.
A brief detour into the absurd.
Many reporters have been whamboozled by the military police and the CFNIS stating that there’s nothing stopping them from arresting someone for child molestation that was committed prior to 1998 and trying them in civilian court.
The general accepted practice for trying persons charged with committing historical crimes is that you have to charge them and try them as the law prescribed the offender to be charged and tried at the time.
Prior to 1998 when a member of the Canadian Armed Forces committed a Criminal Code offence while on duty and while on a defence establishment, the National Defence Act stated that these offences were to be tried as service offences with the specific exceptions of Murder, Manslaughter, and Rape prior to 1985, and Murder, Manslaughter, and Sexual Assault (not including crimes against children), between 1985 and 1998.
Members of the regular force are subjected to the Code of Service Discipline from the time they enlist until the time they are released, 24/7/365.
The Canadian Armed Forces, prior to 1998, could try for sexual crimes against children so long as “consent” was a possibility. This meant that the military could try a member for any sexual assault involving a child between the ages of 14 to 18.
If the military wished to proceed with charges related to children under the age of consent, those charges had to be tried in the civilian courts.
Any service charge of child sexual abuse that had been brought against a member of the Canadian Armed Forces had to be approved by the commanding officer of the accused.
The commanding officer had the full authority pre-1998 to dismiss ANY service offence charge that had been brought against a member of the Canadian Forces.
Gross indecency and indecent assault could easily become drunk and disorderly, or behaviour unbecoming. The offender gets punished, and the public doesn’t find out about a child sexual assault.
Take all the time you need to think about that.
Judicial Review
I’ve begun to realize that the laws in this country are written by naive politicians assuming that no one has anything to hide and everyone is interested in justice.
After I received the findings of the 2012 MPCC review that found the CFNIS in 2011 did a stellar and upstanding investigation I filed an application for Judicial Review with the Federal Court of Canada.
The nice thing about filing an application for Judicial Review is the Military Police Complaints Commission was compelled to hand over to men certified copies of the documents that were provided to the MPCC by the Provost Marshal.
The sad thing about filing an application for Judicial Review is realizing that the CFNIS fucked up the 2011 investigation beyond all comprehension and that there is literally nothing I can do to prove to the court that the CFNIS willfully withheld documents and information from the MPCC.
Remember, during an MPCC review, they don’t share with you any of the evidence that the Provost Marshal supplied to them.
And by the time you get to Judicial Review you are not allowed to introduce new evidence.
So you are literally fucked seven ways from Sunday.
Federal Court gives you the opportunity to give the Provost Marshal a polite “fuck you”, but other than that the Department of Justice will strike all “new” evidence that you introduce to prove that the CFNIS conducted an inept investigation.
Sure, you can approach the Supreme Court of Canada and ask them to review the admissibility of the new evidence and whether or not the MPCC should have known that they were being actively deceived.
But doing this is $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
What evidence was withheld actively withheld from the MPCC by the Canadian Forces Provost Marshal?
My social service records that indicated that my grandmother lived with us and raised my brother and I on CFB Namao
That I was in foster care due to major dysfunction in the household that stemmed from my father’s inability to accept responsibility for his family.
That I was suffering from mental health issues that are all standard indicators of child sexual abuse.
That I had a military social worker.
That my father’s statement to the CFNIS denying the presence of any babysitter or the knowledge of any sexual assaults was wrong as both Captain Totzke and my father blamed me exclusively for what had happened on the base and for the fact that I allowed the babysitter to molest my brother.
These were all important items as my father in his statement to the CFNIS claimed that there never was a babysitter, that his mother only briefly looked after my brother and I, and that my brother and I were never sexually abused.
It also turned out that the CFNIS scrubbed any and all mention of Canadian Armed Forces officer Captain Father Angus McRae from the investigation.
As part of my application for Judicial Review I gave my father a written examination. My father, when presented with excepts from my social service records and foster care records contradicted everything he said to the CFNIS in 2011.
The CFNIS had my social service records and my foster care records in 2011. The CFNIS could have easily called my father back in to ask him why his statement to the CFNIS didn’t come anywhere near to what my social service records and my foster care records revealed.
The second CFNIS investigation
In around August of 2015 I was contacted by RCMP inspector Akrum Ghadbhan. This was the result of a letter that I had sent to the RCMP Commissioner and the Minister of National Defence in which I mentioned the details of a recorded phone call that I had with the father of the babysitter.
Inspector Ghadbhan said that he had reviewed the CFNIS investigation and that it didn’t meet contemporary policing standards and that he was recommending that the CFNIS reopen the investigation with the new evidence that I had provided.
Evidence that I provided:
My father’s written examination to the Federal Court
My brother’s written examination to the Federal Court
Very specific excerpts from my social service paperwork and my foster care paperwork.
Details of my conversation with Fred R. Cunningham that occurred on November 27th, 2011.
A copy of the recorded phone call between myself and the babysitter’s father that occurred in July of 2015.
My grandmother’s vital stats.
My step grandfather’s vital stats.
Proof that I had told the CFNIS during my initial video interview in March of 2011 that I had attempted twice before to report this to the military police but that both times the military police refused to look at the matter citing the civilian status of my babysitter.
Proof that Captain Terry Totzke had extensive involvement with me in the aftermath of CFB Namao.
Sgt. Damon Tenaschuk of the CFNIS Pacific Region was given this case to investigate.
About the only thing outstanding about the second CFNIS investigation is when Sgt. Tenaschuk called me to let me know that he had obtained a copy of CFSIU DS-120-10-80 and that this document had the following to say:
What Fred Cunningham had told me on Nov. 27th, 2011 was the truth and that Fred was in a position to know what he had told me.
That much like I had told Mcpl Christian Cyr on May 3rd, 2011 about the visits to the chapel and the sickly sweet grape juice that Captain McRae openly admitted to the military police inn 1980 that he had brought numerous children over to the base chapel and that he would give them alcohol and that sometimes they’d fool around in the bedroom afterwards.
That the investigation of Captain McRae was only initiated AFTER the investigation of the babysitter due to numerous complaints of the babysitter molesting much younger children on the base.
That paperwork such as CFSIU DS-120-10-80 is only supposed to be retained for 7 years according to DND rules and the fact that it still existed in 2017 meant that it had been used within 7 years of McRae’s court martial, and then again within 7 years of the second use, and so on.
After this phone call I filed an ATI for the court martial transcripts and the CFSIU paperwork. DND fought me on this. I had to enlist the help of the Information Commissioner of Canada.
MPCC part 2
In early 2018 I received a phone call from Sgt. Tenaschuk stating that the Crown was not recommending charges.
So I filed another complaint with the MPCC.
This time around the Provost Marshal outright refused the request for a review implying that the review that occurred in 2012 was more than sufficient.
The MPCC commenced a review anyways.
This time I gave the MPCC copies of recorded phone calls, copies of emails, copies of the original video statement in which I explain what home life was like, and that I had tried to report this abuse twice before.
I also specifically mentioned the discussion Sgt. Tenaschuk and I had about Fred Cunningham, CFSIU DS-120-10-80, and DND’s outright refusal to grant me access to the investigation paperwork or the court martial transcripts.
I wasn’t expecting too much this time around.
But I think the MPCC realized just how badly the Provost Marshal fucked them over during the 2012 MPCC review.
The MPCC conducted their review of my complaint against Sgt. Tenaschuk and found that Sgt. Tenaschuk had followed the investigation framework as laid down by his superiors.
The MPCC didn’t make any mention of CFSIU DS-120-10-80 in relation to the investigation of my complaint against the babysitter, which would seem to indicate that it wasn’t in the documents that were handed over to the MPCC by the Provost Marshal.
The MPCC looks elsewhere.
The MPCC did however look at a parallel investigation in which the CFNIS was investigating the complaint of another former military dependent against the same babysitter. This investigation was being conducted by the CFNIS Western Region.
The MPCC went to great pains in the October 2020 final report to indicate that they looked at this parallel investigation just for curiosity.
It was during this look that they noticed that the CFNIS Wester Region had in its possession the infamous CFSIU DS-120-10-80 and the 1980 Courts Martial transcripts for Captain Father Angus McRae.
The Information Commissioner of Canada.
I had been involved with the Information Commissioner of Canada ever since DND first refused to release Captain McRae’s courts martial transcripts to me in 2012.
When DND refused to provide me with a copy of DS-120-10-80 in 2018 I enlisted the help of the ICC again.
The ICC wasn’t too hopeful of a resolution as DND and the CSIS are tied for being the government agencies most likely to stonewall ATI requests.
But in mid 2019 I was contacted by the ICC and told that DND had just granted access to the documents to another requestor, so I should refile my request, and that DND could not refuse to honour my request.
DND did release to me the documents.
They were so redacted that it was a joke.
It was almost as bad as the documents that the DOJ released to me about the settlement between the babysitter and the DND when the babysitter sued the DND for the abuse he endured on CFB Namao at the hands of Captain McRae.
David Pugliese
I had been trying to interest David in my story over the years, but there just weren’t any bites. To be honest, absolutely nobody in the media was willing to buy into the topic of child sexual abuse in the Canadian Forces or the fact that the military loves to hide and bury this stuff as much as possible.
It was sometime in the late winter / early spring of 2020 when David ran a story on DND stonewalling ATI requests. I contacted David and gave him the low down on what I was encountering.
David ran a couple of stories, and poof, I had my documents, this time with many fewer redactions. I got my documents around the late summer of 2020, just before the MPCC released their final review of my second complaint against the CFNIS.
The Courts Martial transcripts and the CFSIU investigation paperwork confirmed everything that I had been piecing together over the years.
The babysitter was a prolific child abuser
There were living quarters attached to the chapel
Captain McRae was known to be bringing children to the chapel and giving them alcohol.
The MPCC second review final report.
I now understand why the DND and the Minister of National Defence gave in so easily when David Pugliese started asking questions. The DND and the MOD both knew that the MPCC had obtained the Courts Martial transcripts and the CFSIU investigation paperwork.
And sure enough the MPCC mentioned both of these documents in its final report.
I received the final MPCC report in November of 2020.
The MPCC did take issue with the CFNIS for relying on the Crown’s reluctance to prosecute as an indication that no crime had occurred. The MPCC said that it was quite evident that I and my brother were victims of crime at the hands of the babysitter. The MPCC then explained the difference between civil liability and criminal liability. The CFNIS should never had said that there was no evidence to indicate a crime had occured. The CFNIS should have indicated that the evidence presented wasn’t enough to secure a conviction.
And as clipped as the wings of the MPCC are, they found a way to stick a dagger in the back of the Provost Marshal.
As mentioned, they looked at the parallel investigation into a complaint made by another former military dependent who had been abused by the babysitter.
That’s when the MPCC confirmed the existence of the courts martial transcripts and the CFSIU investigation paperwork.
The MPCC was the other requestor that the Information Commissioner had informed me had received a copy of the CFSIU investigation paperwork and the courts martial transcripts.
The Provost Marshal must have told the CFNIS in 2012 and the CFNIS in 2018 to withhold those documents from the MPCC.
And the MPCC wouldn’t have known any better, but they did go look at that parallel investigation, probably without informing the Provost Marshal, and lo-and-behold look at what they found.
They just couldn’t grab a copy of the documents from the CFNIS. Instead they’d have to file the required ATI. And when DND complied with that ATI request that would have triggered the Information Commissioner to call me to let me know that I too could now request a copy of the released documents and DND would be very hard pressed to deny me a copy.
The MPCC couldn’t include the contents of the CFSIU paperwork or the courts martial transcripts within the findings of my complaint as the Provost Marshal didn’t include a copy of these documents in their submissions to the MPCC in 2012 and 2018.
But the MPCC did include a separate section in the final report outside of the section that dealt with my complaint against Sgt. Tenaschuk that talked about these two documents and the contents.
The MPCC noted that Captain McRae was a prolific pedophile.
The MPCC noted that the investigation into Captain McRae was triggered by the base military police investigating the babysitter as the result of numerous parents on base complaining about the babysitter molesting young children.
The MPCC noted that the babysitter’s attraction to young children was used by Captain McRae’s defence officer as a means to discredit the babysitter.
The MPCC noted that the babysitter’s criminal record for molesting children was far more extensive than what the CFNIS had indicated to me.
The MPCC highlighted that the babysitter was known on one occasion when he was almost 15 years old to have had anal intercourse with three 10 year old boys behind the recreation centre.
The MPCC also noted that it was revealed during Captain McRae’s courts martial that the babysitter was receiving psychiatric treatment for his attraction to young children.
And more importantly, the MPCC reached all the way back to the 2011 CFNIS investigation and specifically the actions of Sgt. Christian Cyr.
On May 3rd, 2011, master corporal Christian Cyr contacted me and asked me if I knew anything about the base priest molesting children during the same period of time that I was accusing the babysitter of molesting my brother and I.
During the same phone call, master corporal Cyr tried in earnest to get me to believe that the babysitter was only 12 or 13 years old at the time and therefore couldn’t be charged under the juvenile delinquent’s act. During the 2012 MPCC review, Cyr denied telling me this information or asking me about Captain McRae. The 2012 MPCC review took issue with this as Cyr noted in his records that he did ask me these questions.
As the MPCC noted in the November 2020 Final Report, the only place that the mistake is made in regards to the babysitter’s age occurs within the CFSIU DS-120-10-80 investigation paperwork. That mistake in age exists nowhere else, especially not in the babysitter’s CPIC file.
The CFNIS would have run the babysitter’s name through the CPIC database at the start of the investigation in 2011 after the Edmonton Police Service transferred the file over to the CFNIS.
So yes, the CFNIS had the CFSIU investigation paperwork right from the start of the 2011 investigation, but their goal from the start was never to bring me justice.
The sole goal of the CFNIS in 2011 was to conduct a Dog and Pony show investigation.
But this house of cards collapsed all because one CFNIS investigator thought that he knew the truth and wanted to play Mr. Bigshot.
Class Action
And of course, without CFSIU DS-120-10-80, the transcripts from Courts Martial CM62 July 15 – July 18, 1980, and Captain McRae’s Ecclesiastical trial with the Archdiocese of Edmonton there wouldn’t be a class action.
Dog and Pony Show
I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now if master corporal Christian Cyr had just kept his mouth shut about what he knew about Captain McRae and Captain McRae’s connection to the babysitter.
When petty officer Steve Morris called me on November 4th, 2011 to tell me that the CFNIS could find no evidence to indicate that the babysitter was capable of what I accused him of, I probably would have left it at that.
If I hadn’t put the plea out on the base brat groups and been rewarded with Fred Cunningham’s number I never would have learnt first hand from the former Acting Section commander of the CFSIU, that had been personally tasked by the base security officer, Captain David Pilling, with investigating Captain McRae, just how large and extensive this scandal was.
I would never know about the babysitter’s two convictions for child molestation in 1985 if James hadn’t come forward in the spring of 2012 and pointed me right towards the specific newspaper article.
I would have just accepted the results of the Dog and Pony show CFNIS pretend investigation.
After all, captain Totzke and my father blamed me for what had happened on CFB Namao.
Maybe they were right.
Maybe my father was right when he said that it was no use me trying to escape my responsibility for what I had allowed to happen.
Provost Marshal
I will say this though, from my dealings with the Provost Marshal’s office way back in the days of Lieutenant Colonel Gilles Sansterre, the provost marshal is a trickster fox.
The provost marshal is the least believable character in the Canadian Armed Forces.
And the provost marshal will lie and obstruct without a second thought if it helps to keep the dirty laundry hidden in the closet.
Okay, so I have less than 24 hours to go before I go see my nurse practitioner tomorrow to start on Hormone Replacement Therapy.
Many years I have waited for this.
Always something in the way.
Work.
Ghosts from my past.
A 13 year battle with the Canadian Armed Forces.
Have to take things one day at a time.
Transitioning is hard enough, but thankfully I’m no longer a military dependent.
If Captain Terry Totzke tried to destroy me because of the homosexuality that I had exhibited when I “allowed” myself to be molested by the babysitter and Captain McRae, just imagine what would have happened if I had told Terry if I felt like I should have been a girl.
My father’s disdain that he exhibited towards me after the CFB Namao fiasco and the absolute silence he directed towards me after I sent him the letter in May of 2008 explaining why I had changed my name tells me exactly how Richard would have reacted to me as a kid if I had declared that I wanted to be a girl.
And the fact that the community that I lived in and grew up in was governed by Canadian Forces Administrative Order CFAO 19-20 should explain to you that growing up as a trans kid on base would have been absolutely impossible and not tolerated in the least.
I honestly don’t know what things are like on base these days. I moved out of the house when I was 16, and except for two months in 1990 I have never lived on a Canadian Armed Forces Base since.
Sure, the Canadian Armed Forces have attested that things are different these days. But they’ve been saying the same thing about their flawed military justice system since the days of Somalia, and they’ve been saying the same thing about sexual assaults in the military since the ’80s.
The Canadian Armed Forces is the penultimate “old boys club” and they’re used to getting what they want and they don’t and won’t tolerate what they don’t want to.
DNA TESTING
On another front:
DNA test progress
I honestly don’t know what to expect from this.
My mother is potentially Chinese on her maternal side and Quebecois French on her paternal side, I expect to see some of that. How strong the Chinese ancestry will be is anyone’s guess. I never met my maternal grandparents. And Marie never spoke about her mother other than to say that she died young from an epileptic seizure in the bathtub.
On my father’s side I expect to see Cree ancestry and some Irish. My paternal grandmother was Swampy Cree and my paternal grandfather was Irish.
It’ll be interesting as mammals share more of their DNA with their mothers than with their fathers, but the father’s DNA controls the expression of some genes.
All humans carry the mtDNA of their mothers. That is the mitochondrial DNA of our cells come only from our mother, which they got from their mother, and so on and so on.
As I said, it will be interesting to see what my lineage is.
Also, I’m curious to see how many half siblings I have.
And how many extended family members there are.
Now, bear in mind this will only be as successful as the number of relatives that have also completed a DNA test.
People have asked if I have ever been involved with any type of queer support groups in the past.
No.
No I haven’t.
I don’t do well in groups.
Never have, never will.
I’ve always been on my own.
In Toronto as a kid I would always sneak down to the Pride parade but I would always enjoy it from the periphery.
Even though homosexuality wasn’t an outright criminal offence in the ’80s, the police were still mostly of the old school.
And of course there was the fear that I’d be caught in the vicinity of one of these parades or events.
I guess that I was carrying around the teaching of Terry.
I went to a few pride parades in Vancouver during the ’90s. Again just watching from the periphery.
What I always loved about the early parades was how “in-your-face” they were. It’s like the participants in the parades were wiping off all of the shit that society had thrown on them and were throwing that shit right back in the face of society.
But then the double aughts came.
And the pride parades started to become more corporate, more generic, and less offensive.
2006 was the last parade that I went to watch and the last pride event that I went to.
To be honest, pride events were never too appealing to me because of the overt presence of alcohol.
When my doctor and I first started discussing my desire to transition into something other than male he proceeded to give me a list of groups that I could join.
The thing is I don’t want to join a group.
I have been on my own all of my life.
I function better on my own.
I can’t see myself willingly becoming part of a group.
So…… off I go on yet another adventure.
Transitioning from male to not a male.
Anyways, time to head off and get my nails done.
I’m thinking something of a hot pink shade this time.
Well, this time next week things will be a bit different.
At this point next week I’ll have had estrogen coursing through my body for just over 24 hours.
And for the first time in my life since I was about 12, I’ll be experiencing diminished levels of androgens.
Tiresias transformed into a woman by Pietro della Vecchia
“Take a little trip back with father Tiresias Listen to the old one speak of all he has lived through I have crossed between the poles, for me there’s no mystery Once a man, like the sea I raged Once a woman, like the earth I gave But there is in fact more earth than sea” From “Cinema Show” by Genesis from their 1973 album “Selling England by the Pound”.
The goal of this is not to become a woman.
The goal of this is to get as far away from being male as I can.
XY syndrome is a life altering disease and humanity should be searching for a cure for the defective “Y” chromosome.
Through my entire fucked up crazy life there have always been a few constants.
The first is that I’ve never felt like this body is my body. It’s always felt like it has belonged to someone else.
As I said in other posts, since I was young I was always certain that I was going to have breasts.
When I hit puberty and my hips didn’t widen it felt odd. I know it’s hard to explain, but starting at puberty and even existing to the very day is the odd sensation that my hips are not where they should be.
And the junk that I do have has always felt foreign to me.
And even though genetically I am a male, men have always been a source of fear for me. I have never felt okay around men. And that was well before CFB Namao.
Yes, I did often make pleas to the imaginary friend in the sky to make me into a girl when I was younger.
And there were times as a kid that I wanted to be a girl so badly that it was eating me up from the inside out.
Through my teen years and my 20’s and my 30’s I had always but my desire to me a woman off as being a side effect of the sexual abuse on CFB Namao or my involvement with Terry.
But, as I got towards my my 30s I began to realize that my desire to be a woman and the feeling that I was in the wrong body was not shaped by the sexual abuse on CFB Namao or my involvement with Terry.
These feelings and these desires have been with me for as long as I can remember.
I really hope that things go as smooth as I want them to.
If I don’t have any bad reactions to the androgen blockers and the estrogen I’ll be very happy.
I can’t help but wonder what my brain and what my emotions will be like with the removal of androgen from by blood stream.
What will it feel like to have estrogen flowing through not only my body, but my brain as well.
Will my way of thinking change?
Will my view of the world change?
If everything works out fine I’m really hoping that I can go for bottom surgery. As I’ve said before, I just want to get everything removed down there.
I don’t want anything added to or created.
No penis
No testicles
No scrotum
All gone
Nothing but a smooth scar closing everything up down there.
A small hole to pee from.
But nothing else.
The male curse will be gone.
Banquished
Never to haunt me or traumatize me anymore.
Hopefully the male craziness and insanity are washed away from my brain.
I’ve had a Segway scooter for the last year and a bit.
It’s been a fun little vehicle.
I gave up my driver’s licence a couple of months ago just right after I got rid of my motorcycle.
I don’t drive, and I can’t see myself ever driving again.
The last car that I owned was back in 1998.
Except for renting a car in Montreal when I visited Montreal in 2014, I’ve never driven.
Motorcycling was fun, but depression was just too strong of an adversary.
I bought the scooter more out of curiosity than anything, I wanted to see how practical it would be. Well, it has been very practical.
At 90% charge it will give me about 80 km of distance on one wheel drive in eco mode. Two wheel drive and sport mode will eat the batter up faster, but still I get good decent travel from it.
It’s not a small scooter, it weighs 45 kg. which with the suspension makes for a very smooth ride.
The wheels are a good size and width.
And the brakes are awesome, especially with the DC injection braking turned on. DC injection is where the scooter motor controller applies a constant DC current to the windings instead of a chopped alternating current. This causes the permanent magnets to repulse off the magnetic fields which causes the wheels to slow down aggressively.
The sad thing though is I am limited as to where I can take the scooter. And I don’t mean by riding restrictions. I mean due to the complete lack of secure parking for non-automobile vehicles.
one little lock and one little bike rackBicycle corpses are all over the city.
For example, I used to be able to ride over to International Village and lock my bicycle up in the secured parking lot adjacent to the parking attendant booth.
Once the mall owners put in automated parking they eliminated the secured bicycle racks as there was no one there to monitor them anymore.
Mall management suggested that everyone simply lock up outside. Sad to say that bicycles and scooters don’t stand a change locked up outside in Vancouver.
But, as long as I can keep an eye on my scooter, it’s all okay.
It’s easy to say that I’m paranoid, but portable grinders with cutoff wheels will make quick work of any u-lock on the market.
Another trick up the sleeve of bicycle thieves is they’ll throw a second lock on your bicycle / scooter so that you can’t ride off, but they can come back in the early hours of the morning to take their time.
And even if the thieves don’t steal your ride outright, they’ll grab parts off your ride and render your ride useless.
Bicycle paths are decent in Vancouver, but this is a city that is still well within the grips of 1950’s Eisenhower Car Culture.
Bicycle paths take up less than 0.001 % of the roads in Vancouver, but to hear car drivers whine and cry you’d swear that cars were banned from the city streets.
And no, “gas tax” doesn’t pay for the roads, at least not municipal roads. Municipal roads are paid for and maintained by the citizens living or renting in the city or businesses operating in the city. Everyone, tenant or landlord, pays property taxes to the city the live in and thus everyone living within a particular city pays for the roads and infrastructure in that city.
Another reason why I gave up my driver’s licence, and why I would encourage anyone else who doesn’t drive and who has never used their licence for driving to give up their licence, is that the number of driver’s licences in circulation are used by automobile lobbyists to push government to spend money on car drivers. The more licences, the more drivers, right?
Vancouver, because of its location in the lower mainland, has a massive amount of car drivers that are just passing on through. Yet these drivers expect the roads that they don’t pay for to be maintained as per their expectations.
Things would have been much worse for Vancouver save for the “Stop the Highway” movement from the ’60s that stopped a major freeway from passing through downtown and through various minority neighbourhoods in a plan to eliminate these neighbourhoods. Freeway building back in the ’50s and ’60s was seen as a way to cleanse “urban blight”. Urban blight was a code word for racial and ethnic minorities.
There really isn’t any place that I can’t go on my scooter. I ride over the Lions Gate into North Van and West Van. I go down to Richmond on it. It’s especially nice when going out to FedEx or UPS to pick up parcels as there isn’t any connecting bus service between the Canadian Line and the parcel pick up locations.
I can’t get a straight answer from Amtrak as I would really love to take the scooter down to Portland and Seattle when I go down for visits.
I would have loved to take the scooter to Iceland last year. Sure, Iceland has rental scooters available all over Reykjavik, but they generally have no suspension and have a very rough ride that’s painful on long trips. And yes, Iceland is the ideal place to grab a scooter to head off on the trails outside of the city.
Unfortunately the size of the battery in my scooter means that shipping it by sea in a shipping container is about the only way it’s ever going to get over to Iceland.
$$$$$$$$$$$
The only thing that I get a chuckle about still is from the owner’s manual for my scooter.
Apparently you’re not supposed to ride this scooter if you’re older than 60 or you’re wearing heels.