My middle name

My middle name came courtesy of an office of vital statistics official.

Back in 2008, after the disastrous realization that I was never going to escape the events of Canadian Forces Base Namao and that I was always going to be the “asshole” that fucked with my father’s military career I decided that I wanted to legally change my name.

At the time I had thought that by changing my name that I could sever the past from my future.

Bobbie was always going to be a given. All the nice people from my childhood always called me Robbie or Bobby. The only person who was adamant that my name was Robert was my father. Sue never called me by my nickname either.

And Bobbie was ideal for a few reasons. With my desire to undergo feminization I could switch to the more feminine spelling of Bobby by simply dropping the “e” from the end of Bobbie which would leave me with Bobbi.

I had already found my last name when I was volunteering for the 2008 Vancouver Municipal elections.

When I went in to submit my paperwork with the office of vital statistics I only had my first name and last name. The employee accepting my paperwork asked why I didn’t go with three names to allow me some flexibility in different circumstances.

I had no idea as to what I wanted. I never used my middle birth name. I had no idea of where it came from.

“Why don’t you pick your birthstone?”

Using the primitive “WAP” browser on my cellphone I was able to get a list of birthstones off the internet.

I was born in September.

Sapphire is the birthstone for September.

Bobbie / Bobbi Sapphire is a stripper’s stage name.

I didn’t know what else to do, I didn’t want to leave without filing the paperwork.

It took a lot of courage to go through the criminal record back ground search that would determine if I was eligible to legally change my name or not.

Why did it take courage?

Did I have a criminal record?

Nope.

At that point in my life I was aware of two times that my brother had been arrested and had given the arresting officer my name, my birthdate, and my social insurance number.

I was afraid that if I delayed to pick a middle name that my brother would do something that would have caused the RCMP to revoke my clearance.

I quickly scanned the rest of the birthstones on the list, sounding out the stone with my first name and my last name.

Garnet is what I decided on.

It’s red, and it’s abrasive.

So, Bobbie Garnet Bees is who I became in 2008.

Sadly though, changing my name was not enough to excise the past from my brain.

Every time that I tried to move forward and advance was just met with a chorus of voices from my past.

And at that point in time I wasn’t aware that I had severe and untreated mental illness. Not that the mental illness should have prevented me from changing my name or from seeking feminization. It’s just that the untreated major depression and severe anxiety meant that my daemons are firmly baked into my brain and will be until the day I die.