January 11th, 2023 thoughts

I wish that I was a better writer. I feel that if I was a better writer that I could get my points and ideas across better. But c’est le vie

I often find myself wondering what I would ever say to Captain Terry Totzke if I were to meet him face to face. Would I be able to say anything? Or would I be so choked up with frustration that I wouldn’t be able to say anything?

Would my anxiety get the best of me? Would I fear him all over again like I did back in 1980 through 1983.

Would I be able to ask him why he blamed me, or would Richard’s yelling and screaming in my head just tell me to shut up and admit that I knew that I was at fault for the events of 1978 to 1980?

In 1978 through 1980 I had no idea who Colonel Daniel Edward Munro was. But if I met him today would I have the courage to ask him if it was his own decision to dismiss the majority of charges against Captain McRae or if he received orders from Western Command or even NDHQ in Ottawa. Was it his decision to not bring in the RCMP to deal with the babysitter, or was he just following the orders issued by someone else?

Or would I even have the courage to say anything? Would I just stare dumbfounded, or would my feelings of worthlessness take over and convince me that asking him anything was wrong.

My father is dead. But even if he was alive I think I would know deep down inside that anything he said was an absolute lie and that it wouldn’t be believable under any circumstance.

So far I haven’t heard any word on the government’s plan to ask the Senate to delay the deadline for the implementation of Medical Assistance in Dying for reasons of Mental Health, so at this point in time I am still proceeding as if March 17th, 2023 is still the implementation date for M.A.i.D. for mental health issues.

I have two tattoo sessions in the meantime.

You might ask “if you want to die, why are you getting tattoos?”

It’s hard to explain, but I like how the tattoos cover my body. I love the way they look. I enjoy how they fill up the otherwise unremarkable and blank spaces. I enjoy the pain of getting the tattoos. Endorphin rush or adrenaline rush, whatever it is enjoyable. Truth be told, most tattoos I sleep or nap through.

Hopefully I can have every part of my body covered before I die.

I’ve done one eye orbit, the next appointment will be for the other eye orbit. After that, I think I have everything on my face covered. I don’t think that I can fit anything else on my face.

After that will be my thighs. And then my biceps. I’ll just go with bands like I have on my forearms and my thighs.

And then my trunk will be the final part. Still working out what to do there.

Anyways, enough for now.

I have a couple of videos to post that I’ll try to get online for tonight.

Author: bobbiebees

I started out life as a military dependant. Got to see the country from one side to the other, at a cost. Tattoos and peircings are a hobby of mine. I'm a 4th Class Power Engineer. And I love filing ATIP requests with the Federal Government.

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