Death has no sensation as only a living brain can experience sensations.
What doesn’t death feel like?
Death doesn’t feel like betrayal.
Death doesn’t feel like depression
Death doesn’t feel like mental anguish.
Death doesn’t feel like neglect
Death doesn’t feel like suffering.
Death doesn’t feel like victim blaming.
Death doesn’t experience traumatic memories.
Being dead doesn’t mean that you miss out on anything, you have to be alive to miss out on things.
What happens after death?
Nothing.
No more suffering.
No more regret.
No more depression.
No more betrayal.
No more suffering.
No more traumatic memories.
Life only matters when you’re alive.
Once you’re dead, there is no further existence.
Of course, there will always be those that say that life is a gift and it’s so magical and wonderful.
My parents fucked and my father didn’t pull out in time and my mother wasn’t on the pill.
Yep, life is such a gift.
It’s always so much fun receiving life guidance from people who don’t even have a single scratch on their porcelain skin.
Why is society so afraid of death?
It means that they failed, not the person seeking death, but the hippy trippy dippy members of society who believe that life is some sort of magical paradise.
They need to downplay the suffering that people go through as otherwise they’d be forced to admit that some people are born with horseshoes up their asses while other people are fucked seven ways from Sunday the day that they’re born.
Two more weeks of this and then I’ll be back at work.
Sleep, sleep, and more sleep……..
I know that I need to take vacation time, but vacation time is so unproductive.
I’ve never had much in the way of hobbies or interests. Travelling was never a big thing for me. I don’t have anything that I want to go see. I’m not really concerned with experiencing other cultures or customs.
Right now I’m sitting in a coffee shop in Nanaimo. Just spent a few days here. I come here periodically just to get away from the noise of Vancouver. I’ll be heading back in a few hours.
I’ve never been able to enjoy vacations.
Especially in my younger days my life derived so much of its meaning from work. I never felt comfortable not working or being away from work. It wasn’t that I was worried about being replaced. It’s just the my life is so empty that without work I feel even more empty.
Trust me, this isn’t what I wanted. But as I’ve alluded to previously, acceptance and respect were never found in my father’s house.
Actually, come to think about it. I don’t ever remember Richard taking any type of vacation time. The only time I can remember him taking time off was when he took Sue to Banff after they were married in 1982. And yes, even back in the days that I was growing up on the bases in Canada, members of the regular forces were entitled to annual vacation leave.
Makes me wonder now how many times he went on annual vacation, but called it a “training exercise” and just left Scott and I with Sue or grandma while he fucked off outta town. ‘Cause I certainly don’t ever remember him taking time off from the military for vacation.
One thing that I did notice in the current 2024 Canadian Forces Leave Policy Manual is a little blurb that members of the forces who are taking courses are recommended to take their vacation prior to the commencement of their courses due to the inability to take vacation during their course. I wonder how many of Richard’s 6 or 8 week courses at CFB Wainwright were actually 4 week or less courses, but he tacked on his vacation prior to the course so that he could get out of town and go hang out with his drinking buddies while leaving his kids at home for the women in his life to look after.
Anyways, yeah, there were no family vacations as kids. No travelling. No trips to the zoo. No trips to the museum. Nothing. Even when we lived on Canadian Forces Base Downsview in Ontario there weren’t even trips down to the States.
Well, time to go get something to eat before wandering over to catch the ferry back to Vancouver.
I used to have two blogs. This blog and cfbnamao.ca
cfbnamao.ca is now set to redirect to bobbiebees.ca
I’ve come to the frustrating conclusion that nobody is actually listening to anything I have to say, so instead of wasting money on two sites, I’m just going to run this site for now.
I’ll try to keep this site going for a little while.
The problem that I have is that child sexual abuse in the Canadian Armed Forces is such a niche topic.
In the civilian world the justice system generally works as it should.
The military doesn’t have a justice system, it has a disciplinary system.
Victims are of absolutely no concern to the military justice system.
The military system is more concerned with disciplining the service member.
Sure, we’ve had child sexual abuse in the catholic church, in the catholic run orphanages, in the Indian residential schools, in the boy scouts, in minor hockey, in minor baseball, in professional sports like the Maple Leaf Gardens. There’s even been kiddie diddlers in police forces and the juvenile justice system. But no one seems willing to believe that child sexual abuse would occur behind the barbed wire fences that encircled the bases and the PMQs on base.
I have no hobbies or other topics that would appeal to anyone.
The only thing that I really have going is my desire to be dead.
1805295600
days
hours minutes seconds
until
M.A.i.D. for mental illness is legalized
And I really don’t need two blogs for this.
A person can only do so much yelling into the void before they begin to realize that the void is empty and has nothing to offer.
I have about $10k worth of camera equipment at home that I know how to use, but taking pictures doesn’t fill me with anything.
I just bought a Raspberry Pi5 with some nice peripherals. Got it set up. And remembered that the reason that I never accomplished anything with the Pis that I’ve owned before is I have no drive or ambition to do anything.
And truth be told, getting yelled at by my father for being an idiot and pretending to be something that I’m not is something that I want to avoid. Yeah, sure, Richard is dead, but he lives in my head. After what he put me through as a kid he owns a large mansion inside of my skull. He always has lived there.
Work? Yeah, work is a paycheque. Keeps me fed with a roof over my head. So I guess I should be lucky.
I wonder if the Chief of Defence Staff and the Vice-Chief of Defence Staff stop by for the birthday festivities.
Well, today marks my babysitter’s 60th birthday!
Happy birthday!
I don’t honestly know what he looks like now.
His younger brother and his older sister sure look happy for him though, eh?
And there’s the Canadian Armed Forces, still handling things for him all these years later.
I don’t know where his father is.
I wonder if the Vice Chief of Defence Staff or even the Chief of Defence Staff have sent him cards for his birthday.
Handling things for the babysitter and sealing the deal with a weird handshake and a pat on the bum
If I sound a little sarcastic or a little bitter, that’s ’cause I am.
Not a word of a lie, but I had no birthday parties from the time my mother was ejected from the PMQ on CFB Summerside by my father in 1977 until my birthday in 1985. And that one was so that my father could butter my ass up just in case civilian social services found out about his destructive blow-out in the PMQ in August of 1985.
He promised that he would never ever forget my birthday again.
There was no birthday in 1986.
1987 was going to be my 16th birthday. He promised that he was going to sign me up for and help me with paying for driving classes with Young Driver’s of Canada. Nope. Changed his mind. Whose car would I be driving? Sure as fuck wasn’t going to drive his ’83 Mustang. If I thought that he was going to buy me a car I had another fucking thing coming. I should go speak to that cheap bitch mother of mine and she could pay for the driving lessons and then buy me a fucking car, what has she ever paid.
He sent me a $100.00 gift card for the Old Spaghetti Factory in September of 2006. This was due to the fact that I had chewed him out in August of 2006 for all of the shit related to CFB Namao and the aftermath of CFB Namao.
So yeah, from 1977 until the asshole’s death in 2017 I had 2 birthday acknowledgments and one attack on my mother. That 2 years out of 40.
Meanwhile the babysitter’s father loves him. Blames the military for the way his son turned out.
The babysitter’s sister lied for him.
The babysitter’s younger brother lied for him.
Fuck, even the Canadian Armed Forces were handling things for the babysitter.
But what the hell, it’s his birthday, Happy Birthday!
Unless you’ve had first hand experience with the Canadian Forces Provost Marshal, or even the Canadian Armed Forces Military Police Group for that matter, you will never truly understand the ability of agencies such as the Canadian Armed Forces to define what the truth actually is.
Under the rules governing complaints about the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service a person wishing to make a complaint against the CFNIS must first submit the complaint to the provost marshal.
This would be the same provost marshal that oversaw the CFNIS investigation in the first place. Remember, no matter how the Canadian Forces, the provost marshal, or the CFNIS like to spin things, everyone within the Canadian Forces Military Police Group are subject to the Code of Service Discipline. Each and every member of the Canadian Forces Military Police Group must obey the “lawful” command of their superiors.
As a retired JAG practicing in Victoria BC told me to remember, members of the CFNIS are Soldiers First and police officers second.
So far as the provost marshal goes, the provost marshal has the sole discretion to control which documents the Military Police Complaints Commission receives and which documents are withheld from the Military Police Complaints Commission.
And during a review the MPCC cannot subpoena documents from the CFPM, the CFMPG, or the CFNIS. The MPCC literally has to reach their conclusions based upon the documents that were skillfully selected and submitted to the MPCC.
As there are absolutely no oaths administered during an MPCC review, the provost marshal has absolute free reign to lie to and feed bullshit to the MPCC and there are no penalties or sanctions that can be applied for this deceptive behaviour.
What information did the provost marshal intentionally withhold from the MPCC?
Canadian Forces Special Investigations Unit investigation investigation paperwork DS 120-10-80 which indicated that it was the babysitter’s sexual abuse of children on the base that initiated the investigation of captain McRae
The court martial transcripts from McRae’s court martial that described in detail one the penetrative assaults the babysitter committed on a trio of ten-year-old boys behind the rec centre.
I’d also bet the the CFPM also wouldn’t explain to the MPCC that their investigation was stymied by the fact that while they could lay charges against the babysitter, they wouldn’t be able to lay charges against Angus McRae due to the summary-investigation-flaw and the three-year-time-bar flaw.
The existence of the out-of-court settlement reached between the babysitter, the DOJ, the CAF, and the DND in November of 2008 which appears to have implications for any subsequent investigation of the babysitter.
The fact that a senior officer within the CFNIS Western Region told a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police that the investigation of my complaint “was likely to go nowhere due to a complete lack of evidence”. This was weeks before the CFNIS contacted my father, my brother, the babysitter, and the babysitter’s family. One of the babysitter’s replies to the CFNIS in 2011 was that “anything he had been involved in as a youth has already been handled by the military” and that if charges were brought against him “a lawyer would handle that”.
My social service records that indicated that I started having problems in school on CFB Namao. Behavioural problems are nothing unheard of with sexually abused children and dysfunctional households.
My social service records which also indicated that my grandmother was living with us on base and raising my brother and I. This was important as my father’s statement to the CFNIS in 2011 made it sound as if grandma popped in for a visit one weekend.
My social service records also indicated that my father was having anger issues and often had anger outbursts. My social service records also indicated that my father blamed my issues on my grandmother whom he viewed as “being cruel to his children, especially when she was intoxicated, which was quite frequently”, he would also tell social services that “his mother refused to seek treatment for her alcoholism”
And it wasn’t just the MPCC that the CFPM and the CFNIS lied to. The CFPM and the CFNIS had also lied to the Alberta Attorney General and the Alberta Crown Prosecutor. When the CFNIS submitted their summary to the Crown, they left out all of the above bullet points. However, in their summary to the Crown the CFNIS also “forgot” to mention to the Crown that I had tried twice before to report the sexual abuse to the military police.
All of this resulted in Mr. Weribiki observing that it was very significant that I had never told anyone about the abuse and that I had never tried to report the abuse in the previous 30 years. Who was I going to tell? My father who was frequently absent either on training exercises or living off base with his girlfriends? My “frequently cruel and intoxicated” grandmother who had an insane attachment to the catholic church? And I did try to report the abuse in 1984 and 1991.
My father’s statement was so detached from reality that when the CFNIS received a copy of my social service paperwork you would think that they would have gone back to my father and asked him to explain the horrific and glaring differences between his statement and the contents of my paperwork.
Nope, the CFNIS never approached him to explain the differences. Which leads me to believe that my father had been told what to say. Why would my father go along with what the CFNIS wanted? More than likely he had received some favour back in 1980 for agreeing to not make a fuss about his two sons being sexually abused. After all, if Mr. Gill had been at home on base with his kids instead of bringing his alcoholic mother on base to raise his kids in his absence, then his sons never would have been abused. So, I can see my father parroting whatever the CFNIS wanted him to say. Just like colonel Munro, captain McRae, and the various other men of ill intent, I don’t see why my father wouldn’t be willing to lie to save his own ass.
I know that at least one investigator with the CFNIS lied through his teeth when interviewed by the MPCC in 2012. This one investigator claimed that he had flown out to Victoria, BC to meet with me in person. The MPCC cited this as showing how the MPCC went above and beyond standard practice. The only problem is that I never net this investigator, nor have I ever met anyone from the CFNIS in person other than when I was interviewed in late March of 2011 by two investigators who had come to see me at the Vancouver Police Department Headquarters.
The sad thing is the members of the Canadian Forces Military Police group couldn’t tell the truth if they wanted to. They can only tell what the chain of command allows them to say. And the chain of command is full of sad sacks who believe that their primary function is to protect and shield the Canadian Armed Forces from outside scrutiny and criticism.
In 2006 the Canadian Forces Chaplaincy Branch issued a directive related to the release of baptismal records for military dependents that had been baptized by Canadian Forces chaplains on defence establishments. This memo indicated that the reason the rules for access to the baptism records was being restricted was due to the increasing number of child sexual abuse cases being brought against chaplains of the catholic church.
The one thing that I’ve learnt in my life is that the Canadian Armed Forces and the Department of National Defence are so full of fucking shit that National Defence Headquarter in Ottawa must smell like a fucking latrine and the office of the provost marshal must smell like a port-a-potty that’s overflowing..
The sole job of the Canadian Forces Provost Marshal it seems would be to concoct lies and bullshit to feed to the Military Police Complaints Commission.
The Canadian Forces National Investigation Service and the Military Police seem to serve absolutely no other purpose than to ensure that the Canadian Armed Forces are never held to account for the actions of their members.
In 2011, even before I was interviewed by master corporal Robert John Hancock at Vancouver Police Department Headquarters, the CFNIS already had the May 1980 base military police paperwork, the June 1980 CFSIU investigation paperwork, and the 1980 courts martial transcripts of captain McRae in their possession. The 2011 investigation was doomed right from the start. The entire chain of command from the CFNIS commanding officer right on up to the Chief of Defence Staff would have known about the implications of the 1980 courts martial transcript.
However, the provost marshal willingly and intentionally withheld these documents from the Military Police Complaints Commission in 2012.
There is absolutely no way that the Canadian Armed Forces, the Department of National Defence, or the Judge Advocate General would have allowed the CFNIS to conduct an investigation that would have violated the terms of the NDA that exists between the babysitter and the DOJ, the DND, and the CAF. But how could the CFNIS outright refuse to conduct an investigation they knew they could never allow to come to fruition? They couldn’t refuse. What they could do though is a “Dog-n-Pony show” investigation.
Did the provost marshal forward to the Military Police Complaints Commission a copy of this out of court settlement so that the MPCC could review the settlement to ensure that the terms of the settlement didn’t violate my rights to receive justice?
Nope, instead the provost marshal willingly withheld the existence of the out of court settlement, the existence of an NDA, plus the existence of CFSIU DS 120-10-80 and the CM62 courts martial transcripts.
This way, the provost marshal could simultaneously blow sunshine up the asses of the MPCC while at the same time ensuring that the MPCC would never learn the truth about the 2011 investigation and how it was doomed even before it started.
The Supreme Court of Canada has already rendered decisions that speak to the inappropriateness of police agencies conducting investigations that may subject their superiors to either civil or criminal actions if the investigation were to uncover actions that could be expected to lead to civil or criminal actions. This is why when there’s an officer involved shooting or traffic collision, the police from other municipalities are called in to investigate.
The simple existence of a civil action against the Canadian Armed Forces by my babysitter and the existence of a subsequent settlement between my babysitter and the CAF and the DND means that the CFNIS should have handed this matter over to the RCMP.
If the 2011 investigation had indicated that the babysitter had in fact molested me and my brother, and that the CFSIU investigation paperwork from 1980 indicated the military police in 1980 were aware of this and either did nothing to stop it or were ordered by the chain of command to limit the 1980 investigation, initiating a civil action against the office of the Minister of National Defence would have been a very simple matter.
But, as the Military Police Complaints Commission itself indicated in one of the periodic reviews of Bill C25, the MPCC noted that the Vice Chief of Defence Staff functions as the de facto Chief of Police due to the chain of command. The Vice Chief of Defence staff has the ability to direct CFNIS investigations. The Vice Chief of Defence Staff also reports to the Minister of National Defence.
The way the Military Police Complaints Commission is structured it cannot subpoena documents during a review. And in fact, in 2015 it was revealed by then MPCC Chairperson, Glenn Stannard, that the Military Police Complaints Commission has never been briefed on how exactly the CFNIS or the Military Police function and how their chain of command is structured. As Mr. Stannard said, the MPCC wouldn’t really know what documents it could ask for if it was allowed to.
So, in 2011, the CFNIS conducted a “Dog ‘n’ Pony Show” investigation. An investigation meant to make me feel like the Canadian Armed Forces gave a fuck when the Canadian Armed Forces chain of command wanted the entire captain McRae matter to stay buried in the past.
What’s even worse is the Department of Justice assisted the Canadian Armed Forces with stick handling their lies past a federal court judge.
In 2013 when I stood pleading my issue before a federal court justice, the Military Police Complaints Commission was represented by the Department of Justice. This is the same Department of Justice that represented the Canadian Armed Forces and the Department of National Defence when both agencies were being sued by my babysitter in a civil action he filed in March of 2001. The DOJ knew full well what the DND, the CAF, and the CFPM were doing, but the DOJ just stood back and did nothing as doing nothing ensured that the terms of the settlement with the babysitter would not be violated.
The DOJ could have done the right and proper thing back in 2013 and informed the courts that the CFNIS and the provost marshal had intentionally and wilfully withheld documents from the Military Police Complaints Commission that would have shown that the CFNIS in 2011 was very well aware that it was the acts of the babysitter sexually abusing children on the base that brought the babysitter to the attention of the base military police which in turn initiated the investigation that uncovered the fact that Canadian Armed Forces officer captain father Angus McRae had in fact been molesting numerous children at the base chapel and was known to be giving the children he was molesting alcohol before “fooling around with them” in the rectory of the base chapel.
But, we now know that the provost marshal has the ability to blow sunshine up the ass of the Military Police Complaints Commission and that even if the DOJ is well aware of the wrongdoings of the Canadian Armed Forces, the DOJ would rather turn a blind eye to the truth in order to shield the government from responsibility and liability.
Now, I can hear you thinking to yourself “But Bobbie, why wouldn’t the CFNIS want to get you justice in this matter?”
As I’ve said previously, the Canadian Armed Forces cannot prosecute for service offences that occurred prior to 1998. And service offences that occurred on defence establishments could only be tried via the military justice system unless the accused specifically requested a civilian trial. Back in the day everything on the base was the jurisdiction of the military justice system.
The simple matter is that due to the 3-year-time-bar that existed prior to 1998, no matter of child sexual abuse that occurred on the bases and was committed by a person subject to the code of service discipline could ever be prosecuted in the modern day.
Think back and try to remember how many successful prosecutions there have been in civilian courts for service offences that occurred prior to 1998.
“But Bobbie, your complaint was against the babysitter, not military personnel”.
Again, the CFNIS knew of the direct connection between captain McRae and his altar boys, one of whom was my babysitter. And captain McRae was still alive at the commencement of the 2011 investigation. As the CFNIS had full access to the base military police paperwork and the CFSIU investigation paperwork, they would have known that the babysitter had been molesting various children on base.
Sure, there was nothing stopping the CFNIS from bringing charges against my babysitter. But in doing so the CFNIS, the CAF, the DND, and the DOJ would possiby be violating the terms of the settlement reached between my babysitter and the aforementioned parties when the DOJ moved to settle in November of 2008.
What were the provisions of the settlement?
The settlement is covered by a Non-Disclosure Agreement.
I’ll bet you one-thousand dollars that the provost marshal in 2011 didn’t tell the military police complaints commission in 2012 that the 2011 investigation conducted by the CFNIS of the babysitter was hampered by a settlement and subsequent non-disclosure agreement that protected the babysitter from further investigation and prosecution for his actions on CFB Namao which he committed after his 14th birthday on June 20th, 1979. After all, the babysitter wasn’t just going after my brother and I. The babysitter abused children on subsequent bases that his father was transferred to.
There had to be a reason why petty officer Steve Morris told me on November 4th that the CFNIS “just couldn’t find any evidence that the babysitter was capable of what I accused him of”
There also had to be a reason why the CFNIS told an RCMP officer that my complaint against the babysitter “was likely to go nowhere due to a complete lack of evidence”. This was months before the CFNIS talked to my father, my brother, or even the babysitter.
Oh, there was evidence. There was tons of evidence. It was all there in the CFSIU paperwork and the courts martial transcripts.
But the provost marshal knew that they could hide this information from the Military Police Complaints Commission.
And the Canadian Armed Forces and the Department of National Defence both knew that the Department of Justice had locked this matter down securely with an iron clad NDA.
And both the Official Secrets Act and the Security of Information Act ensure that anything anyone wants to say is kept a secret.
Everyone knows the truth, nobody wants to tell the truth, the MPCC can’t discover the truth, and the media doesn’t care about the truth.
One of the things that really pisses me the fuck off about the internet is how quickly lies and bullshit spread and just how fucking gullible people actually are.
“Bobbie, MAiD feels like drowning!!!”
What the absolute fuck was this horseshit?
There is so much disinformation being spread on the Internet that it makes me want to rip my hair out.
There are three drugs used in the Medical Assistance in Dying procedure.
Midazolam
Propofol
Rocuronium
Sometimes Bupivacaine is used, but not always.
Midazolam, Propofol, and Rocuronium are used everyday in surgical procedures across the world.
Midazolam is a sedative. In surgery its primary goal is to relax the patient and put the patient to sleep. During M.A.i.D. Midazolam is used “off label” in order to put the patient into a very deep sleep.
Propofol is used to induce anesthesia during surgery. Propofol has the least amount of side effects of all anaesthetics. If propofol caused a “drowning sensation” it would be very well documented. Propofol is well known to prevent the formation of memories, which is why people undergoing surgery in which propofol is used are the least likely to have remembered sensations of the surgery. During M.A.i.D., Propofol is used “off label” and is given at a much higher dosage in order to ensure that the patient undergoing M.A.i.D. is placed into a very deep coma and that they will not be aware of the procedure or any other sensation.
Rocuronium is used to stop the breathing of the patient. It is used as a muscle relaxant and is often administered prior to intubation. During the M.A.i.D. procedure Rocuronium is used “off label” and is given in much higher dosages than what would be typically used. At this time though the patient is in a very deep coma and brain activity, if any, will be extremely minimal. The patient’s brain will have undergone brain death from oxygen deprivation long before the effects of the Midazolam and Propofol have begun to wear off.
Bupivacaine is often used as a local anesthetic and is frequently used during labour as an epidural. Sometimes, but not always, Bupivacaine is given as the last drug during the M.A.i.D. procedure in order to ensure that the heart stops. Again, with the previous drugs having been administered at such high “off label” levels there will basically be no brain function left once the Bupivacaine has been administered.
So where the fuck this “drowning sensation” comes from is a complete fucking mystery.
Has someone had a séance with someone who recently underwent M.A.i.D.?
Has someone made contact with a M.A.i.D. patient via a Ouija board?
Has someone has conflated Medical Assistance in Dying with the death penalty procedure as practiced in the USofA where suffering is the name of the game?
Has someone placed too much faith in their faith leaders?
Does someone have their alt-right tinfoil cap on too tight?
Death is a very funny thing.
For me to want to be put to death is a major travesty and is not a choice that I should be allowed to make.
For cars to be equipped with mandatory speed limiters to reduce the likelihood of me being killed by some out-of-control car driver is “overreach” and “communism”.
Fighting and dying for land based upon 3,000 year old fables as told by illiterate goat herding barbarians is quite okay because this pleases the one true sky friend out of 3,000 other sky friends.
Requesting one’s own death to escape the depression, anxiety, CPTSD, and other mental health issues that no one has given a single fuck about is evil…….
When your adolescence and early adult years are spent trying to figure out the best way to kill yourself without looking like a loser, planning for a long life or planning for retirement aren’t really priority number one.
I still have no retirement plans.
As I’ve said before, I don’t exist outside of work.
The childhood I had didn’t lead me towards finding meaning for life within myself. The meaning for my existence has always come from working.
And to anyone who thinks of coming at me with “well, we’ve all had tough childhoods”……… you can go fuck yourself.
I’m tired.
Even more so since I got involved with the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service in 2011.
You can only be called a liar so many times by the Canadian Armed Forces before it really takes a toll on your mental health.
And let’s face it, my mental health wasn’t all that great to begin with before I sent that fateful email off to the Edmonton Police Service in March of 2011.
And believe me, getting called a scam artist by Harjit Sajjan didn’t help my depression or anxiety much either.
The only reason that Sajjan allowed the release of the courts martial transcripts and the CFSIU investigation paperwork in 2020 is he realized that somehow I had become aware of the existence of the documents and he calculated the risk that I would somehow find out the contents of those documents and he didn’t want to have the public find out that I had been telling the truth about CFB Namao while he called me a scam artist to my face.
And my brother’s death has really reinforced for me the fact that no one really gives a shit.
So yeah, I have no intention of sticking around past 2027.
I have no intention of retiring and spending more time with my constant companions of betrayal, depression, anxiety, and CPTSD.
It was on June 17th back in 2021 that my class action was announced to the media.
What’s happened in the meantime?
Not much.
I wasn’t kidding when I said that the Department of Justice was going to do everything possible to run the clock out on this matter. The DOJ always does this. And it’s not in just my matter. The DOJ makes a habit of doing this in almost matters in which the Government of Canada or its minions have caused a major fuckup.
The DOJ isn’t about holding the government accountable for its misdeeds. The DOJ is about shielding the government from responsibility for the misdeeds of its minions.
Apparently there is a court session coming up in January of 2026 that I will have to attend in Calgary. Don’t get too excited. This hearing is still trying to decide if I can be the representative plaintiff in this matter.
Yep, January 2026 will be heading into the 5th year anniversary and there still hasn’t been any discussion as to the merits of this case. We’re still stuck at the stage of seeing if I can represent the class.
I don’t know how many hearings after the 2026 hearing there will be, but you can bet your bottom dollar that the DOJ will milk this out for as long as possible.
The goal of the DOJ will be to drag this matter out for so long that all of the former brats from CFB Namao that were abused by McRae and his underlings will be dying off from old age.
I have no intention of existing past 2027.
I’ll be gone in 2027 either by M.A.i.D. in 2027 or by other arrangements. But I’m not sticking around for this shit.
No that my brother is gone I’ve got even less reasons to stick around. It’s not so much that I miss him, Richard didn’t raise us like that. It’s that I’ll never get to see the acknowledgement in his eyes that I wasn’t the bad guy in all of this.
My father, Richard, died back in 2017. Didn’t give a fuck in 2019 when Scott told me about his death, and I still don’t give a fuck to this day. But what pisses me off is he got to the finish line wearing all of the respect that being a former member of the Canadian Forces bestowed upon him no matter the truth that he was a waste of oxygen who blamed everyone else for his problems and his lack of parenting skills.
And not to toot my own horn, but without me this case goes nowhere.
It took an intense amount of reading and learning to understand the military justice system as it was prior to 1998 and the flaws that impacted the military justice system prior to 1998. This is why the DOJ doesn’t want me as the representative plaintiff.
The DOJ would much prefer having someone that believes that the military police functioned just like the civilian police at a local civilian police department.
My whole life has been nothing but a non-stop battle fighting with the negators.
A negator is someone who strives to do what they can to downplay or negate the contributions of someone, especially when that person is vulnerable to attacks due to circumstances beyond their control.
And in a first, I actually tried out ChatGPT and this is what it had to say when I asked it if the word “negator” could be applied to a person:
“He was a negator in the cruelest sense — untouched by hardship, yet quick to dismiss those who bore the weight of the world. He didn’t just lack empathy; he negated pain itself, as if it was a fiction made up by the weak.”
Yep, this describes three people in particular.
I find myself in a really odd position where I work. And it’s not just at my current position, it’s been at each and every position that I’ve ever held.
As I’ve mentioned before, I find myself employed in positions far below my skill levels. I grew up in a household that was dysfunctional. I grew up in isolated military communities that would do whatever was required to hide the dysfunction and the abuse within the PMQs from the public eye.
My father joined the Royal Canadian Navy in 1963 with a grade 8 education. The military taught him everything he needed to know, like avionics, electronics, mechanics, etc.
Do you honestly think that a piss tank alcoholic with rage issues that lucked out when he was able to join the Royal Canadian Navy in 1963 honestly gave a flying fuck about school, or college, or trade school, or university?
Nope.
As I said before, Richard hated my teachers.
To Richard, school was nothing more than a babysitting service that was just supposed to be teaching the kids the basics. Anything beyond that was a fucking waste of his time.
Just after I left home when I was 16 I was working for a company where one of the owners was putting his son through trade school for carpentry. Kid needed tools for his apprenticeship, his father got him tools for his apprenticeship. His father helped him with the cost of living.
I worked for another business where the mother sent her son to an upper class private school in the States.
Even at work, the other guys in my department are always gushing about how far their kids are going, and what trades or business sector they’re getting into.
But I get to enjoy the negators.
And the negators are a miserable lot. At least they come off as miserable to me. I know that they enjoy negating me. You can see the joy in their smugness.
Some of the work that I’ve done recently involves adding Modbus gateways, Bacnet routers, NAT devices, and even ethernet to fibre media converters.
No doubt that if the negators found out what I’ve done that they’d make noise with IMIT and senior leadership and get all of the devices that I’ve installed yanked off the network.
List of devices that I’ve installed / Internal IP addresses cut off.
The first device that I connected to the hospital IT network was the Franklin Fuel Monitor. I did this about 2019. This had to be done. The Franklin Fuel Monitor came from the factory with a full blown webserver built in and the ability to send email messages.
For some reason when this device was installed as part of the generator upgrades someone made the decision to have the existing building automation system just monitor the status relay outputs and the 4-20mA outputs of this panel.
Having the building automation system monitor the Franklin monitor was a joke. Our two Diesel tanks are cylinders with hemispheres for ends. The 4-20 mA signal represents the fuel level in centimetres. The Franklin monitor had the built in correction tables to convert the height of fuel to actual volume. The building automation system treated the fuel tanks like they were cubes. The fuel level displayed by the building automation system was a joke. It never matched what was actually in the tanks.
Once I got the Franklin on the hospital network we were able to see the exact fuel levels, which helps the shift engineers greatly when the tanks are being filled. The system can now send out email reports once a week to our fuel supplier so that they can keep our tanks filled up. And the system can send out emergency requests to the fuel supplier in the instances where the generators have been run for an extended period of time and have dropped the tanks below 3,000 litres of ullage.
Then next came the four Amico medical gas alarm panels. Then the Dixell webservers. Then the Modbus gateways. Then the BACnet routers. Then the NATs.
Not bad for a grade 8 drop out, eh?
Not bad for someone who suffered not only gross child sexual abuse on a Canadian Armed Forces base, but also had to live through the ham fisted manner in which the Canadian Armed Forces chose to deal with it.
Not bad for someone who grew up with a piss tank alcoholic father in the Canadian Armed Forces who stood by and did sweet bugger fuck all.
The negators don’t like this.
They hate this
They despise this.
People like me are fuckups.
We’re not supposed to amount to anything.
People like me are supposed to stay in our lane.
There are three primary negators where I work. Luckily they’re all over at the new site, so I don’t have to deal with them. Unfortunately they still make their presence known. And once you’ve had an encounter with a negator, you don’t recover from this.
One of the first automation systems that I installed in the hospital was the Dixell webserver for the kitchen refrigeration.
This wasn’t supposed to involve networking or webservers or modbus gateways, it just evolved into that.
Originally electromechanical thermostats with separate thermostats for over temperature alarms controlled and monitored the refrigeration systems for the walk-in coolers and freezers in the 1st floor and 4th floor kitchen. The freezers had time clocks to run defrost cycles whether or not the coils needed it, and the time cycle was arbitrary and ended whether or not the coils were cleared of ice. The evaporator fans would stay running when the doors were open.
Because of the crappy alarm monitoring the engineers would get hit with at least two dozen false alarms every shift. And at three shifts per day, that’s a lot of false alarms.
So I hunted around for a solution and that’s when I came across the Dixell XW60K walk in refrigeration controller. Got some pricing from our local refrigeration wholesaler for 20 of these units. Put in the budget request with the required justifications and the request was approved.
When the devices arrived on site I was going over the wiring diagrams and programming instructions and making plans for the swap out without shutting down the refrigeration for any excessive length of time. I was going over the wiring requirements for these devices when a port on the back of the case piqued my interest. All it said was Hotkey/TTL-RS-485. I knew what the hotkey was, it was a tool that you could use to transfer the basic programming from one controller to another. And I knew that TTL stood for transistor-transistor logic. And I knew that RS-485 was a two wire serial network. So I fired off an email to Dixell asking what this was for. Dixell replied that it was their Modbus interface adapter that would allow these controllers to be networked for a monitoring system. The tech rep with Dixell also mentioned that Dixell offered a webserver that was easy to program and interface so that the refrigeration units could be viewed on graphical pages as well as having the alarms sent out based upon a call out list.
Long story short, the Dixell system was an instant hit in the kitchen.
The number of false alarms plummeted. As the controller was initiating the defrost cycle in the freezer it would ignore the rise in cabinet temperature until 10 minutes after the defrost cycle ended. The cooler and freezer fans now turn off when the doors are open. There is an alarm delay for after the door has been opened and then closed to allow for the unit to get back to setpoint after the unit has been loaded up with new product. And if the kitchen staff leave the cooler or freezer doors open for too long, the kitchen managers get an alarm page.
Here’s where things get even more interesting. As I said we have a kitchen on the 1st floor and a kitchen on the 4th floor. To monitor the upstairs kitchen I had three options. Install a second webserver upstairs. Run some RS-485 network wiring up to the 4th from the 1st. Or install a IP to Modbus gateway on the 4th and have the webserver use the existing hospital network to poll the 4th floor refrigeration.
This was my first experience with MOXA networking interfaces.
As I said, this system has been in and running since 2019 without a hitch.
The Dixell system ended up expanding through the hospital.
There’s a Dixell system in the pharmacy that not only monitors the refrigeration in the pharmacy on site, but also a pharmacy at another hospital about 4km away.
There’s a Dixell system in Transfusion Medicine that not only monitors the refrigeration on site, it also monitors refrigeration at a different hospital as well.
Yep, the Dixell system even monitors the morgue and some specimen freezers for the pathology / histology department.
All of the black blobs above are covering the hospital’s internal IP addresses. The hospital’s network is behind a massive firewall and there is no direct connection from the intranet to the internet. Everything coming in and going out passes through servers. But, once the negators catch wind that I published Class B non-routable private IP addressed on the internet, the howling would be intense.
Believe me, if my life had allowed me to take certification courses and trade qualification, do you think I would have passed on this?
Do you honestly think that if I didn’t have my father and Captain Totzke screaming in my head non-stop that I’m an imposter, that I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, that I’d be anywhere near where I am now?
You don’t think that each and every day of my fucking life is a non-stop review of what could have been.
See, the negators will always come up with arguments to explain why what I’ve done isn’t really anything special.
I didn’t create copper wire, so how can I say that I can do network wiring?
I didn’t write the RS-485 MS/TP standard, so I’m lying when I say that I’ve installed MS/TP network.
I didn’t actually build the Dixell controllers or write the programming contained within, so I’m just a desperate asshole trying to take credit where no credit is due.
But, such is my life.
Especially when the negators smell the stench of a dysfunctional childhood and come out for the attack.
Beeshive 