Is there any chance that I will pass up on Medical Assistance in Dying?
No.
But Bobbie, aren’t you on hormones?
Yes, yes I am.
And aren’t you on anti-depressants?
Yes, yes I am.
Well then, you should be feeling much better, you should be happy.
No. No I’m not, and it’s nothing to do with being happy.
My brain is burnt out.
I can’t escape the ghosts of so many years ago.
40 years of untreated mental illness has taken its toll.
40 years of living with the fallout of Captain Totzke.
A dysfunctional childhood spent hopping from one Canadian Forces base to another being raised by a rage fuelled alcoholic and his cruel alcoholic mother.
I’m going through with the hormones because this is something that I always wanted to do. This was something that I would not have been able to undertake when I was younger. But the hormones won’t fix a damaged brain nor will the hormones erase 40 years of horrific memories.
I get the feeling that society believes that I owe it to society to fix myself and to live so that I continue to be a benefit to society.
I owe nothing to society.
Society in fact owed it to me to allow me to enjoy a normal childhood and a normal adulthood. Society instead said that it valued the image and prestige of the Canadian Armed Forces over my well-being. And as such society really has lost its “right” to tell me that I have live because I owe it to society.
Well, why don’t you commit suicide?
I’ve known for a very long time that if I were to commit suicide that the babysitter and my father would win and their version of reality would become my truth.
Since learning the whole entire truth about the events that occurred on Canadian Forces Base Namao and how the modern day Canadian Armed Forces are so very hellbent on keeping the secrets of child sexual abuse on Canadian Forces hidden from the public consciousness, committing suicide would be giving the Canadian Forces an easy way out. And you can bet your bottom dollar that the Canadian Forces would pull out all of the stops to tar and feather my name.
So, you’re not really going to take your own life, you’re just doing this for theatrics, right?
Nope. Just waiting to see if the Department of Justice or the Canadian Armed Forces are willing to do the right thing or if they’re going to do everything in their power to keep this matter hidden and buried from the public eye.
The hospital where I work is in the process of moving. The new facility is supposed to be opened by 2027. The acute portion of the hospital is expected to transfer from the old site to the new site in a couple of weeks. The old hospital will stay in operation for a little while longer as it will have to support the various research programs on site until the new research building is constructed. I’ve already made it very clear that I have no interest in going to the new site, that I’m more than content to stay at the old site and run it until I either decide to pull the plug or the site shuts down.
Management for the most part doesn’t know why I have no interest in going to the new site, but there are a few managers that do. Some co-workers know of my plans, but most don’t.
My plan for when I decide the time is right to die is to simply announce that I’ve received an excellent job offer in the maritimes and that I want to take it as I want to return to Nova Scotia to retire there.
And that’s it.
Beeshive 