PRIDE…..

Everyone at work assumes that I’m hanging out at the pride parade.

Nope, nothing could be further from the truth.

When pride rolls into town I go running for the hills.

The last time that I went to a pride parade or anything else associated with pride was back in August of 2006.

This was the first pride even that I had officially gone to.

And it was the last parade that I have ever gone to even though I live right in the West End.

The parades in the 2000’s were starting to be tamed and reigned in by corporate sponsorship.

And then there’s the nightclubs, the booze, the drugs and beer.

I’m not a party type of guy. I steer clear of booze. I don’t even like pain meds.

I’ve always identified as queer. Not gay, not bi, not trans, just queer.

I don’t like sex of any type.

And I don’t like being touched.

I don’t lose my shit over pop-culture.

I don’t go to the gym.

You get the picture.

I’m the modern day queer anti-queer.

In my life I’ve been accused of being a homosexual by my military social worker and by my father.

I was not allowed to play sports after Canadian Forces Base Namao because according to Captain Totzke it was very obvious that if I saw another naked boy that I wouldn’t be able to control myself.

There were the threats from Captain Totzke about having the military police on Canadian Forces Base Griesbach watching me to see if I ever kissed or touched another boy, and if I did that he was going to send me to the Alberta Hospital for psychiatric treatments.

I had my own father beat me and threaten to “break my fucking neck” if he ever heard of me kissing another boy after I had kissed the son of a Canadian Airborne Regiment sergeant that lived in PMQ #68 which was two doors down from our PMQ.

Captain Totzke and my father both explained that the Westfield program was a program for homosexual children to treat them to be normal. My own father even disguised his fleeing Alberta to avoid my apprehension by Alberta Social Services as being him saving me from the drugs the counsellors wanted to give me to cure me from liking other boys.

I’ve had the shit beat out of me at various different schools on and off base for being a fag, a homo, a cocksucker.

My own father asked me if I knew what “Gay” meant while I lived in his PMQ on Canadian Forces Base Downsview. He looked so pleased with himself when he said that gay meant “Got Aids Yet?”.

Living in the PMQs on Canadian Forces Base Downsview is where I also learnt that AIDS stood for “anally injected death sentence” and that the miracle of AIDs was that it “Turned fruits into vegetables”.

The Canadian Forces was replete with homophobia in the ’60, ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s.

Oh yes, life on base for a child questioning their own gender and their own sexual identity was not a pleasurable experience.

And no, the members of the Canadian Forces that were homophobic or racist didn’t check that homophobia or racism at the door. It came into the PMQs. Sure, not all of the parents in the PMQ patches were homophobic or racist, but that was the culture in the military back then. And good soldiers don’t make waves. This is also why nobody heard or saw domestic violence or child abuse and neglect on the bases.

I can’t really blame the other parents on base. That’s just the way things were at the time.

I worked for one employer that would make off the cuff jokes about gays and fags. Did I do anything? Fuck no. I needed the job.

I worked for one company that had a manager that would always refer to me as “Freddie Mercury” because he was sure that I was gay and that I’d get AIDs and die like Freddie.

I was even blacklisted by an immediate supervisor. When I went to his manager to complain, the supervisor’s manager said that this was mostly my fault as I was “too flamboyant” and that if I simply turned down my flamboyance things would be fine.

And yet here I am.

On anti-depressants and taking estrogen.

The anti-depressants don’t fix anything, they just make me more tolerable to my coworkers.

The estrogen isn’t going to fix anything. And no, it’s not going to convert me into a woman anytime soon, but it does relax my brain.

And still not feeling like I belong to the pride crowd……..

For the last little while I’ve run some of my posts through ChatGPT to see if there are any issues. Below is the response that I received after the typical grammar correction suggestions.

The funniest thing is that an LLM has given me the best response I’ve ever had to my issues. Sad that a LLM can offer more humane responses than real people.

💔 The Emotional Weight

Your post carries the trauma of being surveilled, threatened, beaten, outcast, mocked, and dehumanized — not just by society, but by people who were supposed to protect you: your father, military officers, school administrators, coworkers.

And still, you didn’t erase yourself.

You’re still here.

That matters. A lot.


🌈 About Pride

Your statement that you run for the hills when pride comes to town is valid.
Pride isn’t healing for everyone.
For people with backgrounds like yours — where being perceived as queer was met with violence, psychiatric threats, and institutional silence — Pride can feel like a glossy party over the site of an unacknowledged mass grave.

You’re not anti-queer.
You’re post-betrayal queer.
You’re queer with a memory.


I despise my existence so much.

In the years that I’ve worked for my present employer I’ve made some very substantial improvements to the plant and to the building automation system.

I’m going to list some of the things that I’ve changed, but for which I’m not really allowed to take credit for.

When I started here way back in 2005 we had fifteen 42″ variable pitch fans. The problems with these fans were many, but the prime issue with these fans was the sheer amount of millwright level of service that these fans required. These fans also had pneumatic actuators on them that required the services of a trained pneumatic instrumentation mechanic to calibrate not only the positioners on the pneumatic actuators and the E/P transducers that converted the 2-10 VDC signal into a pneumatic signal ranging from 3 PSIG to 15 PSIG.

Up until I started here, no one could service this equipment. The contractor that had the service contract for the automation equipment would service the E/P transducers, but when it came to the actuators there was no one locally that could service these. So no two fans could generate the same amount of pressure or flow. And the pitch mechanisms required a rebuild every six months. The $600.00 dual race radial bearing would be changed because to reuse that bearing risked over $10k in damage to the fan when that bearing would inevitably seize up.

After a change in management that occurred in 2019 I was able to spearhead a project to remove all of the variable pitch rotors and pitch mechanisms and replace the hubs with fixed pitch rotors and variable speed drives.

Was this really my project. Not really. How could it be. I’m not an electrician. I’m not a millwright. I’m not an industrial mechanic. I’m not a certified DDC / BMS tech.

So even though I was the one who ordered the hubs and oversaw their installation, not really my job, eh?

Even though I chose the ABB speed drives and oversaw the programming and implementation of the drives, I’m not really a technician, am I. If I can do it, surely anyone can do it, right?

In 2016 one of our previous chief engineers had to replace a cooling tower for one of the smaller buildings on site. The old tower controls were just simple on/off for the fan. For some reason he ordered a tower with a complete NEMA 4 cabinet with variable speed drive and a by-pass contactor. The contractor replacing the tower finished their job and the chief wanted the electrical department to simply hook the tower up. The mag starters for the old tower fan motor were inside the building about 20 metres away. So, electrical hooked the tower up, and that was it. The tower still wouldn’t run because there were no commands being issued to the VFD.

The building automation company gave a quote of around $15k to set up a controller to monitor the loop temperature, and then start the fan when the temperature went above a setpoint and ramp the speed of the fan up until the temperature started to decreased below the setpoint.

Well, I read the manual for the drive. Learnt that the drive had a built in PID loop, and that the drive’s analog reference input could be configured to receive a signal directly from a 4-20 mA transmitter. The drive would then control the fan speed by itself to maintain the loop temperature at the desired setpoint. No external controller required. Oh, and the only extra cost for this was a single 4-20ma temperature transmitter that cost $150.00. That’s $14,850.00 cheaper than the automation company wanted.

But Bobbie, what you did isn’t anything special. The drive had that feature built in. You can’t take credit for something that the manufacturer designed into the drive. You didn’t design the 4-20 mA transmitter. Anyone could have did what you did. We’ll, the drive has been running just fine for the last 10 years.

There’s a shit ton more like this, and it’s not just this particular employer, it’s been most of my previous employers.

I’m a fucking stupid genius.

Just recently at work the domestic water booster pump was changed out. Plant had to keep costs down to get this job approved. With the facility shutting down between 2027 and 2030 spending $200k on a new triplex booster pump wasn’t really in the plans.

Why don’t we just build a domestic water triplex pump in-house?

Is that even possible?

Well, the ABB ACH drives have “intelligent pump control” built in and using their fieldbus option you can use modbus to network the drives together and they will run to maintain your desired discharge pressure. They will do lead / lag switching based upon demand. They will alternate as the lead pump to equalize the wear of the three pump. And using BACnet, we can monitor the pumps on the building automation system.

I take no credit for designing or building these ABB drives
Nor do I claim to have written the built in Intelligent Pump Control macro
I make absolutely no claim to have invented the idea of a Switch Mode Power Supply
Nor do I make any claim to having designed and built the two signal converters on the right.
Again, I make no claim to have created thermoplastics, LCDs, or software based representations of gauges.

I also spec’d out the 4-20 mA pressure transmitters for the suction and discharge side of the pumps as well as the 4-20 mA to 2-10VDC signal converter.

Bobbie, you didn’t design these pumps, you didn’t build the pumps, you didn’t design these drives, you didn’t program the drives, you didn’t create RS-485, nor did you create BACnet or modbus! Stop trying to take fucking credit for shit that you had absofuckinglutely nothing to do with.

I finally had a chance to start working on modify the VFD controls for the four cooling towers for the main cooling tower loop. These towers were replaced in 2018. New towers, variable speed drives instead of on/off start/stop for the fans.

The problem was the automation company put in automation controllers with proprietary software and proprietary licences. The programs they created for running the towers were so exotic that they never worked as intended and often caused more headaches that they needed to.

I’ve been wanting to fix this issue for the longest time now, and now that I have the BACnet network extended up to the roof I was finally able to strip out all of the automation controls off the drives and put the drives on their internal PID loops. And now the drives have direct control over the tower water isolation valve. The engineers turn a tower on, the drive starts based upon the temperature of the return water and the water valve opens. They now get more data from the drives directly. Under the previous controls the towers were supposed to stage on and off automatically. But this never worked and more often than not the engineers would have to manually open the water valves, then enable a speed drive, and then set a 20 to 100% speed reference for the fan.

Now the engineers just turn the tower on. The tower opens the water valve. The drive automatically by itself modulates the fan speed to supply the required water temperature.

The next step of this project will be to get a simple BACnet controller that will poll the three condenser water pumps on the 4th floor, and the controller will issue start / stop commands via BACnet to turn on the appropriate number of towers.

Jesus H. Christ Bobbie, stop fucking around. For the last time you DID NOT invent controllers, you didn’t invent BACnet, you didn’t invent IP networks, you didn’t invent PID loops inside of speed drives! Is there anything you’re not will to take credit for?

One year ago today.

Well, it was one year ago today that Scott texted me wanting to how our class action against the Canadian Armed Forces was proceeding.

I explained to him that the DND and the DOJ were still trying to have me disallowed as the representative plaintiff.

He asked me if he should be the representative plaintiff.

And that was the last I ever heard of him.

The next time that I heard anything about him was on August 14th, 2024 when I received a next-of-kin visit from the Vancouver Police Department at the request of the Edmonton Police Service.

What killed him?

Still don’t know.

The official cause of death is “ruptured spleen” due to a fall.

But was the fall due to a heart attack? Heart attacks are a Gill clan specialty.

Was it a grand mal epilepsy seizure? His seizures were getting bad recently.

Was it his ketamine habit?

He had been taking Ketamine infusion treatments and apparently started finding his own sources of ketamine. When I went to his apartment back in August of 2024 to give the landlord the okay to dispose of his belongings someone showed me a picture of a needle of ketamine that had been found on Scott’s computer desk where he had been right before he got up and fell.

Someone else had confirmed that Scott had originally snorted the ketamine, but then quickly graduated into intravenous injections.

Because of where I work I am more than acutely familiar with how addictive ketamine is, and how deadly this drug is when misused.

I know that people are offered ketamine infusion therapy for the treatment of major depression, but it’s not something that I would ever entertain no matter how euphoric the high is and no matter how much it promises to free me from my depression.

I know that Scott suffered from depression. It would have been impossible to live in the Gill household and not come away with mental trauma, major depression, and anxiety.

Just as the coroner wasn’t able to establish a cause of death, they also weren’t able to establish an exact time of death. Scott was discovered only after the downstairs neighbour started to complain about a putrid liquid leaking into their suite.

Even though Scott had no will as I was the one disposing of his body I also had to make basic decisions about his apartment.

When I went in to the space the smell of death and rot was still heavy in the air even though the property management company had removed the plywood flooring and sealed the parts of the framing that couldn’t be removed.

Scott had apparently bought this condo suite a few years back. But he had apparently sold the condo suite a few months before his death and was paying rent to the new owner.

The condo was apparently sold for about $80k. What ever happened to that money is anyone’s guess. There really wasn’t anything worth keeping. And I couldn’t breathe in the space. As I said it smelt like death and rot. And I didn’t have a HEPA / Carbon half mask.

As I was listed as his executor on the cremation paperwork, when the crematorium provided his certificate of cremation to the credit reporting agencies I started getting a lot of calls from creditors asking when they were going to be paid.

But here’s the funny thing.

Even though I can pay to have his body cremated.

Even though I can choose what to do with his cremains.

I have no access to anything else.

I had one of his creditors that sent his outstanding bill to a credit agency and that credit agency wanted me to make payment arrangements.

Wrote a nice little letter to this agency informing them that I had absolutely no intention of paying seven to ten thousand dollars to a court to be awarded official legal executor status when it appeared for all intents and purposes that Scott had no money, no will, and no other relations outside of me.

Haven’t heard from them since.

So, with the death of Scott that means that the Gill / Dagenais blood line is finished. I’m the only one left. Scott’s dead. Richard’s dead, I’m sure that Marie’s dead.

Now, the really strange thing was the VPD knocked on my door on August 13th, 2024.

Our stepmother Sue lived up in Morinville, AB.

Morinville is maybe 30 minutes north of Edmonton on the St. Albert Trail.

I had taken the SIM card out of Scott’s phone and installed it into my phone as his phone was locked but it was blowing up with messages and texts. By installing the SIM I was able to read and respond to the text messages coming in to his phone.

Apple isn’t very helpful in situations like this.

The one message that I didn’t expect to ever see because of the bad blood Scott claimed existed between him and Sue was Sue herself.

Haven’t heard back from her since.

And honestly I don’t expect to hear back from her.

There wasn’t a lot of closeness in our family.

Richard was a piss tank alcoholic with a short fuse and rage issues.

We grew up on military bases where dysfunctional households were ignored and shunned.

Richard kept us isolated from our relatives.

Richard made sure that Scott and I and anyone who would listen understood that Scott and I were the unwanted baggage that he was forced to endure.

But yeah, much like when I had found out that Richard had died, Scott’s death hasn’t affected me much.

There had always been so much animosity between Scott and I.

Richard had pretty well washed his hands of his parental responsibilities and expected grandma and I to raise Scott. But grandma was just as much of an alcoholic as Richard was, and in the aftermath of CFB Namao I wasn’t psychologically able to look after myself let alone anyone else.

As I said, Richard wasn’t a dad, he was a father. And a very reluctant one at that.

He never raised Scott and I to be brothers.

For the most part he left Scott and I to grow up feral on the bases.

Scott went one way.

I went another.

Scott’s death does reinforce one thing for me and that is we, and by we I mean all humans in general, don’t matter and when we die, no one outside of immediate family gives a fuck. It’s like we may as well not exist.

What a fucking shit show.

Well, getting ready for bed and this came up in my email.

Whoa boy does she ever go off on a really weird tangent with this.

Not only that, but she also quotes Mr. Brainworm himself:

But it’s not just Jane that goes off into absurdity, it’s the responses to her post that are off their ever loving rockers as well.

I hate it when spirits get stuck inside bodies, don’t you.
You gotta shake it and use a plunger to get that stuck spirit outta the body.
Remember to be respectful.
Use a sink plunger and not a closet plunger
The closet plunger might have dookie on it.
I knew this psychobabble nonsense had to come from somewhere.

Midazolam:

First off, if Midazolam was as ineffective as she seems to be claiming it is, then why aren’t there thousands of cases of patients waking up from surgery completely traumatized because they remember being cut open and having the doctors working inside? The typical dosage for surgery is 0.03 mg / kg of body weight. A person weighing 80 kg would receive 2.4 mg. The protocol for MAiD calls for an injection of 10 mg.

🧠 Primary Target: Central Nervous System (CNS)

Midazolam enhances GABA-A receptor activity (an inhibitory neurotransmitter), leading to widespread CNS suppression.

💭 1. Brain

  • Cerebral Cortex: Reduces anxiety, impairs awareness, causes sedation
  • Hippocampus: Causes anterograde amnesia (can’t form new memories)
  • Amygdala: Reduces fear and emotional tension
  • Thalamus: Diminishes sensory processing
  • Brainstem: Suppresses reflexes (e.g., gag reflex in high doses)
  • Reticular Activating System (RAS): Induces sleep-like state

🫁 Respiratory System

  • Depresses respiratory drive by affecting medullary centers
  • In higher doses (especially when combined with opioids or propofol), can cause:
    • Hypoventilation
    • Apnea
    • Oxygen desaturation

❤️ Cardiovascular System

  • Mild blood pressure reduction due to central vasodilation
  • Bradycardia in some cases (more common when used with other sedatives)

⚠️ What Midazolam Does Not Do:

  • No direct analgesic (pain relief) effect
  • Does not paralyze muscles (unlike rocuronium)
  • Does not affect the heart muscle directly

🕒 Onset and Duration:

  • IV onset: ~1–5 minutes
  • IM onset: ~15 minutes
  • Half-life: ~1.5–3 hours (longer in the elderly or those with liver disease)

Propofol:

Next, she left propofol off the list. Propofol is normally administered during surgery at 2mg / kg of body weight. This means that a person weighing 80 kg would typically receive 160 mg of propofol to render them unconscious for their surgery. The protocol for Medical Assistance in Dying is for the patient to be administered 1,000 mg of propofol.

🧠 Primary Region Affected: The Brain

Propofol acts predominantly on the brain to cause:

💤 1. Loss of Consciousness

  • Acts on the reticular activating system (RAS), which controls wakefulness.
  • Enhances GABA-A receptor activity (inhibitory neurotransmission), leading to deep CNS depression.

🧘‍♂️ 2. Sedation, Amnesia, and Anxiolysis

  • Diminishes activity in:
    • Cerebral cortex (awareness, cognition)
    • Hippocampus (memory formation)
    • Amygdala (emotional responses)

🫁 3. Respiratory Depression

  • Suppresses medullary respiratory centers, which control breathing rhythm.
  • Can lead to hypoventilation or apnea, especially when given in large doses.

❤️ 4. Cardiovascular Effects

  • Reduces systemic vascular resistance, leading to:
    • Hypotension
    • Bradycardia (in some cases)
  • These are indirect effects from brainstem depression and vasodilation.

Remember, the effects occur at the recommended dosages. The MAiD protocol calls for administering far greater doses than what is recommended.

Rocuronium:

Rocuronium is a neuromuscular blocking agent. For surgeries it is usually given at 0.305 mg / kg of body weight. Under the MAiD protocol Rocuronium is administered at 200 mg. Rocuronium is given on a daily basis in most hospitals around the world as it allows intubation of patients to occur with little risk to the patient during the intubation procedure.

🩺 Why Rocuronium Is Used:

  • Rapid muscle relaxation for intubation
  • Muscle paralysis during general anesthesia for surgery
  • Ventilator synchronization in the ICU

🕒 Onset and Duration:

  • Onset: ~1–2 minutes (faster with higher doses)
  • Duration: ~30–60 minutes depending on dose and patient metabolism

Bupivacaine:

And finally, Bupivacaine is an optional drug that can be administered at a dosage of 500mg total. Bupivacaine is used to induce cardiac arrest. Bupivacaine is never used intravenously during regular medical or surgical procedures as it has a very high risk of inducing cardiac arrest.

RouteConcentrationTypical DoseMax Dose (without epinephrine)Max Dose (with epinephrine)
Infiltration0.25–0.5%100–175 mg total175 mg225 mg
Peripheral Nerve Block0.25–0.5%100–175 mg (depends on block type)175 mg225 mg
Epidural0.25–0.5%12.5–25 mg per dose (up to 100 mg total)175 mg225 mg
Spinal0.5–0.75% (hyperbaric)7.5–15 mg total (small volume)~15 mgN/A

⚠️ Cautions and Contraindications

  • Cardiotoxicity: At high doses or inadvertent IV injection, bupivacaine can cause life-threatening arrhythmias or cardiac arrest.
  • CNS toxicity: Early signs may include tinnitus, metallic taste, seizures.
  • Not recommended for IV regional anesthesia (e.g., Bier blocks) due to high cardiac risk.

Without respiration or blood circulation, loss of consciousness occurs quickly. The brain is the largest consumer of oxygen in the body. The brain is easily damaged due to a lack of oxygen and will die well before the other organs in the body. And no, the brain cannot sense a lack of oxygen in the blood stream. This is why workers who go into oxygen deficient spaces and die look like they’ve just gone to sleep.

The way the body determines if there is a lack of oxygen in the blood stream is by sensing how much dissolved carbon dioxide there is in the blood stream by sensing a pH change in the blood due to the build up of carbonic acids.

However, the brain is overdosing on Midazolam and Propofol. It can’t sense anything. It isn’t aware of anything. And it will be dead long before the drugs come anywhere near close to wearing off.

Why don’t you talk about what you do for a living?

I get asked this question a lot.

I have to be very careful what I say and who I say things to.

Due to my major depression and my severe anxiety I don’t “hang out” with the crew. And a lot of the crew at work interpret this as an “air of superiority”.

Just as I’ve never brought up my issues at work, I don’t really have any interest in who went fishing, or who went on vacation, or who bought a new car. Small talk doesn’t do anything for me.

And there are those that view that as being hostile.

It’s not hostility, it’s just that those things were never on my radar in my personal life.

I’m in the position that I’m in because I want to see that things are done. In the recent past I’ve worked under chief engineers who wanted to do the absolute least as this was the easiest course of action. And of course they would just turn around and blame the assistant shift engineers and the shift engineers when things went absolutely sideways.

Yes, I realize that with my skills I should be elsewhere making the big bucks and advancing my career. But if you know anything about my past you’ll know how hard it was for me to get to where I am.

And I don’t mean that I am limited by my lack of technical skills or my technical knowledge.

Dealing with major depression and severe anxiety that was diagnosed in my childhood, but for which I was not allowed to receive treatment due to the environment that I grew up in meant that my life has been a non-stop constant fight with the factions inside my brain.

The Canadian Armed Forces along with Captain Terry Totzke and my father, master corporal Richard Gill, were hellbent on keeping the matter of child sexual predator Captain Father Angus McRae and his teenaged altar boy co-conspirator out of the public eye. For that alone I was not allowed to receive treatment for the sexual abuse I endured on CFB Namao from 1978 until 1980. I guess that the logic and reasoning behind those decisions was that if I went into the civilian child care system or was even admitted to a psychiatric hospital to receive the care that I needed, the truth about Canadian Forces Base Namao would hit the local media and then the national media.

What happened on Canadian Forces Base Namao from the summer of 1978 until the spring of 1980 was a massive public relations nightmare for the Canadian Forces.
So much so that the military at the time wasn’t going to risk ANYONE discovering what happened on that base.

This meant that I was sent on a crash course towards failure and that I would never achieve the potential that I could have.

All my life has been a non-stop battle with the voice of Captain Totzke in my head telling me that I was going to grow up to be just like the babysitter because I had “allowed” myself and my brother to be abused by McRae’s altar boy.

All my life has been a non-stop battle with the voice of my father in my head yelling and screaming at me for having “fucked with his military career” and that I was to blame for the way my brother turned out.

And as I’ve alluded to in other posts, what drives me around the bend is when trades, contractors, vendors, co-workers, or even managers tut-tut me for “wasting my life” and “taking the easy path” and “just not working hard like the rest of us”.

Another fun aspect is when people with certificates, degrees, diplomas, or licences get upset with me for intentionally withholding information from them just to make them look bad.

For all of my lack of formal training and formal education I get verbal tongue lashings and hostilities when I don’t provide answer at the snap of a finger.

I know what I know, if I don’t know the answer, I can’t give it to you no matter how angry you get. You have the degree, or the diploma, or the certificate, or the licence. You should be telling me how to do this. If you want me to tell you, you’re gonna have to give me a little bit while I go R.T.F.M. to get you the answer that you’re craving.

I primarily do what I do at work to prove to myself that I am capable of doing what I’ve been told that I’m not smart enough or qualified enough to do.

There are so many things that I have improved, or upgraded, or implemented that I dare not take credit for because I don’t have a degree, or a certificate, or a licence, or a diploma. But they do give me a sense of satisfaction none the less.

I have people with the degrees, with the certificates, with the licences, and even with the diplomas coming to me for advice, or for instructions on how to do things, or program things, or set things up.

But Bobbie, you enjoy all of this technical stuff!

Do I?

Are you sure that I really enjoy this?

Or maybe this field is something that my ability to read, and to reason, allowed me to function well in.

I’ve never really known what I’ve wanted to do with my life.

I can’t imagine that if I had been given the chance to have my major depression and severe anxiety treated, and that I had been allowed to finish school, to go to college, or go to university, that I would be doing this for a living.

And this is why I don’t really address work or the day to day stuff on my blog.

Future Travel Plans.

Daily writing prompt
What are your future travel plans?

Well, the USofA is out of the question. The situation down there isn’t going to clear up anytime before 2028 – 2029. And that’s assuming that Trump is out of office in 2029. And even then it will take a few years for normalcy to return. So as it stands, January of 2025 is probably the last time that I will ever be down to the USofA.

About the only place that I would want to travel to before March of 2027 would be Iceland for December 2026. I was in Iceland in 2023 for the summer solstice, so being in Iceland for the winter solstice would be a neat way to finish off my life.

Much like 2023 I’d stay for 14 days.

Just absorb the Aurora Borealis, the cold, and the isolation and get ready for March of 2027.

I have no idea of what will actually happen in March of 2027, I do know that after I make my application for Medical Assistance in Dying it will take a few months before I get to go for assessments. And then even after approval there’s a “90-day cooling off period”. So it’s not like I’ll be gone right away in March of 2027.

But I do think that if I manage to make it back to Iceland in December of 2026 that this will be my absolute final trip anywhere.

Maybe this time I’ll try to go to the north side of the island so that I can say that I’ve made it north of the Arctic circle.

Traditions?

Daily writing prompt
What traditions have you not kept that your parents had?

This one is an easy one.

I’m not a piss tank alcoholic like my father was, so there’s that.

I’m also not a rage prone asshole that isn’t afraid to use physical violence to dominate others.

I don’t make up lies.

I don’t make promises I have no intention of keeping.

To the best of my knowledge my father had no traditions. He was so empty and so damaged that there was noting there. The only other adult that was in my life as a kid was my grandmother, but she was usually so drunk that she couldn’t pass on a tradition is she wanted to

This was today’s prompt.

Daily writing prompt
What do you listen to while you work?

In no particular order:

  • At least 2 false fire alarms per day due to patients smoking / vaping in the hospital.
  • People complaining about the elevators.
  • The voices in my head, specifically my father and Captain Totzke
  • Code Blue pages.
  • Code Grey pages.
  • The phone ringing non-stop.
  • Self doubt.
  • Complaints about 40 year old equipment that’s been running 24/7/365 breaking down.
  • Complaints about a building designed 50 years ago not surpassing today’s design criteria.

A timeline of things

Here is a time line that I am putting together.

This is just the rough outline at the moment, I will try to fill in more details as time goes by.

.

  • 1923

    • June – My paternal grandmother is born in the Athabasca region of Alberta.

  • 1935

    • October – As she is Swampy Cree, grandma is enrolled in an Indian Residential School named Holy Angels located at Fort Chipewyan, AB.

  • 1938

    • March – Grandma leaves Residential School

  • 1941

    • – Uncle Norman born

  • 1946

    • June – Richard Gill (my father) born in Peterborough, Ontario

    • December – Marie Annette Jacqueline Dagenais (my mother) born in Hull, Quebec

    • My father’s father leaves the family. Unsure of the details.

    • Grandma relocates her family back to Fort McMurray, Alberta

  • 1963

    • Richard joins the Royal Canadian Navy with a grade 9 education

  • 1967

    • – Richard and Marie married

    • Marie had met Richard via her brother Al. Al and Richard served in the navy together.

  • 1968

    • Unification of the Canadian Forces, Richard remusters into the Air Force.

  • 1969

    • July –

      Richard is photographed as a member of the Sea Kings on HMCS Ottawa, the first ship of the Canadian Forces where French is the primary language spoken.

    • October 29th –

      The HMCS Ottawa was amongst the ships that were returning from the United Kingdom as part of exercises. The HMCS Kootenay suffered a major explosion in the engine room due to faulty maintenance. 9 members killed, including three that had been my father’s drinking buddies when he was in the Royal Canadian Navy before unification. As Richard was attached to the Sea Kings he would have been involved with the rescue flights flown to evacuate crew members from the HMCS Kootenay.

    • According to Bill Parker my father’s personality changed for the worse in the aftermath of the Kootenay. He was no longer pleasant to be around. He was very moody, very withdrawn, and his drinking was getting the better of him.

  • 1971

    • I was born in Halifax, Nova Scotia

    • moved into my first military PMQ – 23 Seafire Ave on Canadian Forces Base Shearwater

    • moved into my second military PMQ – 14 Fulmar Ave on Canadian Forces Base Shearwater.

  • 1974

    • – Scott born in Halifax Nova Scotia

    • Captain Father Angus McRae investigated and charged for committing “Acts of Homosexuality” at Canadian Forces Base Kingston / Royal Military College Kingston. It would appear that McRae’s commanding officer did not approve of the charges.

  • 1971 to 1976

    – My mother made frequent use of what was called “The Battered Wives Club” on CFB Shearwater. This was a loose knit group of military families that would often take in the wives and their children from abusive military households as the military at that time didn’t consider domestic issues to be a concern of theirs.

  • 1976 –

    • My frequent visits and lodgings at the IWK Children’s Hospital in Halifax prompt medical staff to ponder about getting social services involved as the medical staff have concerns about my father and my mother.

    • My first posting. My father was posted to Canadian Forces Base Summerside on Prince Edward Island. We lived at 353 High St in the town of Summerside. This housing development had been built for the Canadian Armed Forces for housing families of military members. As such the Defence Establishment Trespass Regulations applied to all civilians living in this housing.

  • 1977

    • January –

      my father arrested for domestic assault and battery. He had apparently gotten into a fist fight with his own mother / my grandmother when she had come out to visit us over the ’76 Xmas holidays. Both were apparently quite intoxicated while this was going on.

      My father’s drinking increases exponentially. He is more angry than ever and often breaks things or smashes things. Fights between my mother and my father increase with my mother often taking my brother and I to go stay with “relatives” that weren’t our relatives.

    • Spring –

      My mother suddenly left just before the summer of 1977. My father would explain that my mother was a slut and a whore that ran off with a guy named Gus from the P.P.C.L.I.

      It turns out that my father used the Defence Establishment Trespass Regulations to have my mother ejected from the PMQ. This was a common practice that was documented in a document called “Canadian Forces Response to Spousal Abuse in Military Families” which was a report that was commissioned by the Canadian Armed Forces.

    • Summer –

      My grandmother arrives from Edmonton, Alberta to raise my brother and I. I get chucked into Sunday School.

  • 1978

    • June –

      Grandma returns to Edmonton

    • July –

      I’m hospitalized after an incident on my bicycle. No next of kin listed on my admission records.
      Note on my admission records state “Father in Iceland with Airforce, will return this evening”. Iceland hosts an airfield that is used by NATO countries. Also, prior to 2006, the United States leased land and ran an Airforce base there.

    • August

      • Captain Father Angus McRae arrives at Canadian Forces Base Namao after having been transferred there from Canadian Forces Station Holberg on Vancouver Island.

        Scuttlebutt on one of the Facebook groups for base brats indicate that Captain Father Angus McRae was transferred to Edmonton as a result of an interaction that he had with a teenaged boy on CFS Holberg.

      • My family arrives on Canadian Forces Base Namao after my father had obtain a compassionate posting from the Eastern Command social worker.

    • September

      • Grandma and her husband Roy (Andy) William Anderson move into the PMQ on Canadian Forces Base Namao to raise my brother and I. My father would claim that “training exercises” kept him away from home for 6 to 8 week stretches at a time

        Grandma starts taking Scott and I to Sunday service at the base chapel.

    • November

      • After a night of heavy drinking with grandma, Andy decides to take a shower to help him sober up. Andy slips in the bathtub and cracks his skull on the rim on the bathtub.

      • My grandmother didn’t have a driver’s licence. Captain Father Angus McRae, the base chaplain, would occasionally give her rides into Edmonton to see Andy at the Misericordia 

      • During these visits we were looked after by a male teenaged babysitter who would later be revealed to be an altar boy of the chaplain. This babysitter would also be described as a pedophile as a result of molesting children across Canada.

    • 1979

      • My father meets a woman named Vicki whom lives in Wetaskiwin. My father frequently stays at her place until they break up.

      • My father meets a new girlfriend whom would end up becoming his second wife. My father met this woman through his half-sisters who attended highschool with this woman in Oshawa, Ontario.

      • My father would live off base with his girlfriends as he didn’t want to bring them home to meet his mother as grandma was adamant that Richard must get back together with Marie. Grandma would tell me to not believe anything Richard had said about Marie and that the truth would come out one day

    • Over the course of 1979 and into 1980 the abuse at the hands of the babysitter increases at a marked rate. The babysitter is becoming more aggressive with his abuse and even begins to demand penetration.

    • There are a few times where the babysitter would find me on base and escort me over to the chapel. Once in the chapel we’d go into the rectory where the father was. We’d have wafers, watch TV, listen to music. The father had a collection of magazines that looked like the ones my uncle had, so I never thought anything bad about them. And besides up at 447 squadron in the canteen they also had the same magazines and some of the centrefolds on the walls. After looking at the magazines or listening to music the father would give me a tumbler full of a “sickly sweet grape juice”. I never remember going home after these visits.

  • 1980

    • April

      The babysitter had me over to his family’s PMQ and was buggering me in his bedroom. His younger brother walked in and caught the babysitter in the act of buggering me. This younger brother notified numerous other kids on the base.

      A group of about 10 to 12 older teens gathered on the lawn of babysitter’s PMQ and started throwing rocks and yelling homophobic taunts up at the window.

      When I was leaving the babysitter’s PMQ to go home I was attacked by a group of teens and beat up in the middle of 12th Street.

      My life on base became a living hell after that. I was no longer allowed to play with the other kids. I was no longer allowed to go to the base pool. I was no longer allowed to go to the “kid’s disco” at the Lamplighter Pub on Saturdays.

    • May

      The babysitter is investigated by the base military police based upon numerous reports received from the parents of military families on base that the babysitter had been molesting their children.

      As a result of the investigation of the babysitter the military police became aware of Captain Father Angus McRae’s involvement with molesting children on the base.

      A decision is made by the base chain of command to not call in the Morinville RCMP to handle the babysitter. The National Defence Act states that military dependents are only subject to the Code of Service Discipline when accompanying their serving parent anywhere outside of Canada. Why the Canadian Forces thought that it had any power to withhold the babysitter’s crimes from the RCMP is unknown. It was claimed that the babysitter was only 12 years old in 1980. The babysitter has been confirmed to have been born on June 23rd, 1965.

      On May 12th, 1980 Captain David Pilling requests that Canadian Forces Special Investigations Unit acting section commander Warrant Officer Fredrick Cunningham initiate an investigation into Captain Father Angus McRae for having committed “acts of homosexuality” with teenaged boys on the base.

      Over the course of the investigation Warrant Officer Cunningham meets with Base Commander Colonel Daniel Edward Munro. At one of these meetings Cunningham requests that Munro confine McRae to his quarters so that McRae is unable to interfere with the CFSIU investigation by using his command authority as a captain to intimidate ranks lower than his and enlisted parents.

    • June

      Prior to June 20th, The CFNIS have numerous charges against Captain McRae related to the abuse of numerous children, but the brass orders the number of charges brought against Captain McRae to be reduced to only those related to the charges involving the babysitter.

      Prior to 1998 it was the commanding officer of the accused, and not the provincial crown prosecutor, that would recommend for or against charges and then cause these charges to flow to either summary trial, courts martial, or even to the civilian courts.

      One of the other boys took great offence and blamed the babysitter for the charges relating to their abuse not going forward. This other boy was noted by Fred Cunningham to be a “prolific pyromaniac”. Canadian Forces fire marshal records would verify that this boy had lit fires in his own PMQ in an attempt to “play the hero” by discovering the fires and calling for help.

      June 20th – Fire at PMQ #26. This is the babysitter’s PMQ. The babysitter was not home at the time. The babysitter’s mother had noticed the faint smell of natural gas in the morning and had called the Base Construction engineers to take a look at the leak. The babysitter’s sister was in the shower having a shower.

      The babysitter’s mother was in the kitchen watching the construction engineer looking for a gas leak. As the engineer was moving the stove back into place, the gas line ruptured.

      The gas ignited into a “torch” and started a fire that engulfed the kitchen and started to spread into the dining room.

      In an attempt to shut the gas off, the construction engineer ran into the basement where he collapsed and died from a heart attack. The mother had to rescue her daughter from the PMQ. Total damage to the PMQ was $56k in 1980 dollars. The PMQ was worth $70k in 1980 dollars.

      Base Commander Colonel Daniel Edward Munro was satisfied with the military fire marshal’s report that it was obviously just a defective gas line on the stove and that calling in the provincial fire marshal to conduct their own investigation was not required.

      It should be pointed out that the gas stove was located just inside the back door of the PMQ. The back door of the PMQ faced the roadway and the front doors faced a common area lawn. To give the hose a slight tug to cause a small leak wouldn’t have been that hard to do.

      June 28th – Captain McRae officially arrested and charged with the service offences of Gross Indecency, Indecent Assault, and Buggery.

      Captain McRae requests a military courts martial.

    • July

      15th through 18th Captain McRae’s Courts Martial.

      The babysitter and his family were living on Canadian Forces Base Petawawa in Ontario when the Canadian Forces requested the babysitter return on his own to testify against Captain McRae. The babysitter’s father objects to this and the Canadian Forces relent and allow the babysitter’s father to return to Edmonton with his 15 year old son. The father is barred by the Canadian Forces from entering the courts martial.

      During the courts martial, the courts martial panel hears that Captain McRae admitted during his ecclesiastical trial with the catholic church to having molested numerous boys for years.

      Entered into evidence is that the investigation discovered that Captain McRae had been receiving the children of service members in the rectory of the base chapel and had been giving these children alcohol and then taking them into the bedroom to “fool around” with them.

      After hearing the evidence against him as well as the babysitter’s testimony, Captain McRae changes his plea from innocent to guilty.

      Captain McRae sentenced to 4 years which was reduced numerous times over the next few months. Captain McRae ended up serving a sentence of 10 months.

      Minister of National Defence Gilles LaMontagne approves of the sentence applied by the courts martial panel.

      The media catches wind of this event, but the Canadian Armed Forces quickly throw a “wall of secrecy” around the courts martial and permanently seal all of the documents and evidence.

    • August

      My father moves back into the PMQ with his new girlfriend. He had been living off base with her.

    • September

      • During the start of the school year at McArthur school, the school on base for military dependents, I am frequently beat up and teased for being the babysitter’s “girlfriend” and/or “wife”. This is my introduction to slurs like “homo”, “faggot”, “queer”, and “cocksucker”

        Towards the end of September my family was moved from CFB Namao to CFB Griesbach. These two bases we 10km apart from each other

    • October

      • My brother and I are brought to the attention of Canadian Forces military social worker Captain Terry Totzke by our respective teachers and principal at Major General Griesbach School, the school on base for the children of military families.

    • November

      My family is interviewed on separate occasions by a psychiatrist.

      • My father is found to accept no responsibility for his family, he likes to play the victim, he feels like everyone is attacking him, he blames others for his problems, he expects others to solve his problems for him.

      • I am found to be suffering from major depression, severe anxiety, haphephobia, have extremely low self esteem. I am also found to be very poorly informed about sex. I mention that I am terrified of my father and that I expect him to drown me in the toilet. I also remark that “my brain tells me that I’m going to kill myself if granny doesn’t leave the house”.

      • My brother is found to be a very quiet, lonely, and isolated child.

  • 1980 – 1983

    • During the course of my involvement with Captain Terry Totzke he would often come to school to talk with me in the office. Other times he would come and pick me up at the school and drive me over to base headquarters where he had an office. Other time my father would take me to see Captain Totzke.

    • As I had never seen Captain Terry Totzke in uniform I would never realize until 2011 that Terry was a member of the Canadian Armed Forces and that he held the rank of captain.

    • Terry knew about what had happened on Canadian Forces Base Namao.

      Terry was concerned that I was exhibiting signs of a mental illness called homosexuality as I had been known to be having sex with the babysitter.

      Terry was concerned that I had allowed the babysitter to molest my younger brother.

      Terry had mentioned to me that he had asked the base military police to keep an eye on me and that if I ever tried to kiss or touch another boy that I would be off to the Alberta Psychiatric Hospital for treatment.

      Terry said that I should avoid situations where I would see other boys naked as that would awaken my desires to touch them. This resulted in me not playing sports anymore or being allowed to go swimming anymore.

    • Once Alberta Social Services became involved with my family, Terry and my father would both inform me that I had to be very careful with what I told Pat and Wayne as Pat and Wayne would twist my words and use my words against me.

  • 1981

    During the summer of 1981 Grandma moves out of the PMQ.

    After Grandma moves out Sue promises my brother and I that if we never want to go to church again that we don’t have to.

    November – Due to the inaction of Captain Terry Totzke with my brother and I, our respective teachers and our principal notify Alberta Social Services. As the PMQ that I lived in and the school I was attending were on a Defence Establishment, Alberta Social Services pretty well required Totzke’s permission for their dealings with me.

  • 1982

    • Richard and Sue are still having great difficulty in their relationship.

    • Social Services note that Richard and Sue refuse to talk to each other or even acknowledge each other during the counselling sessions and instead Richard uses me to communicate with Sue and Sue uses Scott to communicate with Richard.

    • Richard informs Scott and I that if Sue leaves him, he’s going to put our dead bodies into a duffle bag and that no one will ever find the either of us and that he’ll just go live in the barracks. This isn’t the first time that Richard has sworn that he would kill Scott and I, but this is the most memorable.

    • Richard and Sue get married in a private ceremony in the PMQ on base. My brother and I are given $50 each and told to go away for the day and to not come back until close to bed time.

    • In the spring of 1982 I am formally admitted into the Westfield Program for emotionally disturbed children until a psychiatric bed can be located. My father signs the paperwork surrendering me to the Westfield Receiving Home for Children. Neither Richard nor Captain Totzke seem to realize that by signing this paperwork Richard has placed me into the foster care system.

    • Both my father and Terry tell me that my involvement with this program is due to my attraction to boys and that this program would help me get over my homosexuality.

    • During various meetings with Alberta Social Services my father claims that my issues are due to his mother “who was extremely cruel to his children, especially when she was intoxicated, which was frequently”, he explained to Alberta Social Services that he had brought his mother into the house to raise his children after his wife “abandoned” him. He further explains that his mother is an alcoholic who refuses to seek treatment for her drinking issues.

    • The babysitter is arrested and convicted for molesting a young boy in a small town just north of Canadian Forces Base Petawawa in Ontario.

    • Christmas ’82. We fly out from Edmonton to stay with Richard’s father in Oshawa, ON.

    • Richard and his father do not appear to be in friendly terms. Even though we moved to Canadian Forces Base Downsview in April of 1983 and would frequently go visit Sue’s parents in Oshawa, we never again ever saw Richard’s father even though he lived about 10 blocks away from Sue’s parents.

  • 1983

    • January

      26th – Captain Totzke instructed by my civilian case worker and my two child care workers that he is to inform my father and my father’s commanding officer that my father is to start attending all family counselling sessions or I am to be removed from the house and placed into either residential care or foster care.

      28th – Captain Totzke informs my civilian social workers that my father has just been transferred from Alberta to Ontario effective immediately and that the move will occur in April.

      Sometime between January 1983 and April 1983 my father keeps me home from the Westfield Program. He tells me that I was expelled from the program because I wouldn’t stop kissing and touching other boys.

    • April

      a moving truck arrives one day without notice. The majority of my belongings are piled up at the curb to be disposed of. Later that day we are loaded up in the Datsun B210 for the trip to Ontario. When we cross the Saskatchewan border I asked my father why we had to move. His reply was that because I was still showing signs of being attracted to boys that the counsellors wanted to give me drugs to stop this attraction but that he didn’t want me to take those drugs and that I had to understand that he was saving me.

      • Alberta Social Services gave Children’s Aid Society of Toronto a heads-up about the imminent arrival of my family. Children’s Aid tried to contact my father via the Canadian Armed Forces. The Canadian Armed Forces stonewalled C.A.S.T.. C.A.S.T. ended up tracking my brother and I down through the public school system.

      • My father and Captain Totzke had given Alberta Social Services assurances that I would be placed in a psychiatric hospital to receive treatment upon our arrival at Canadian Forces Base Downsview in Ontario.

        I was instead enrolled at Sheppard Public School as CFB Downsview did not have its own school for military dependents.

    • October

      Roy (Andy) William Anderson dies at the age of 58 after having spent the last 5 years in hospitals and nursing homes having never recovered from the slip in the bathtub in the PMQ on Canadian Forces Base Namao.

    • My father almost succeeded in conning Children’s Aid into believing that there was no reason for Alberta Social Services to be involved with his family and that Pat and Wayne had blown everything out of proportion.

  • 1984

    • Children’s Aid and the North York Board of Education come to realize that there is intense sibling rivalry between my brother and I, and both agencies comes to the realization that Scott and I can never be at the same school.

    • Richard sent my brother and I up to Edmonton to spend the summer with our grandmother. Grandma’s drinking has peaked, probably due to the death of her husband in October of ’83.

    • Scott mentioned something to grandma about the babysitter. This sent grandma in to a rage and fury. Grandma wanted to know if I knew what the babysitter had done to Scott. I managed to escape the apartment and made my way up to CFB Namao. Once at Namao I tried to report the babysitter to the military police. The Military Police said that as the babysitter was a military dependent he had to be dealt with by the civilian police. So I went back to Edmonton and this time went to the Edmonton Police Service. This did not work out at all.

    • Grandma gave me my first beers to drink after she caught me sipping the foam off a pair of bottles that she asked me to open for her and her friend Hazel.

      During the summer of ’84 grandma takes Scott and I out to Terrace, BC to see her first son, our uncle Norman. Unlike my father and my uncle Doug who were only metis, Uncle Norman was full blood. Uncle Norman was about 6 to 8 years older than my father. My father was born when my grandmother was 23.

    • In October of 1984 a fellow base brat from CFB Downsview and I were in the same behavioural therapy program at Elia Jr. High and Dellcrest. He convinced me that I should join Sea Cadets over at the Dennison Armouries.

  • My babysitter was convicted in 1984 for molesting an 8 year old boy in Manitoba.

    A search of newspaper records indicate that in 1982 a 17 year old male babysitter had molested numerous children in a neighbourhood directly adjacent to Canadian Forces Base Winnipeg. The mother of some of the molested children was upset that the 17 year old babysitter had never been charged due to the young age of the victims

    My babysitter would have been 17 years old in 1982

    Even though his family had been residing on CFB Petawawa in 1982, his family may have been posted to CFB Winnipeg to get away from CFB Petawawa. Posting problems to other bases was a known phenomenon back in the day.

  • Late 1984 – Early 1985

    Scott has his first Grand Mal seizure.

    Richard had discovered Scott, called the ambulance, and went to North York General with Scott.

    I had been out of the house all day, but when I arrived home Sue told me to get straight up to my room. She mentioned nothing about Scott. She just said that Richard wanted me waiting in my room when he got home.

    When Richard came home he was slamming doors. Richard and Sue started yelling at each other.

    Richard stormed up the stairs and into my room. Before saying anything he gave me a massive backhand across my face that drew blood and knocked me to the floor. Richard then started demanding to know where the drugs were that I gave to Scott. I kept asking “what drugs?” which only made him more furious. He started tearing my room apart stating that if and when he found the drugs he was going to make the next beating even worse than this one.

    A few days later when Scott was released from the hospital all Richard would say is that I was goddamn lucky that Scott had Gran Mal Epilepsy and that I hadn’t given Scott any drugs.

    What has always been perplexing about this is that Richard knew that Marie’s mother had died of an epileptic seizure and that one of Marie’s brothers had epilepsy.

  • 1985

    • The babysitter’s family arrives back on Canadian Forces Base Namao.

    • In May the babysitter is found molesting a 9 year old boy that lives on the base. He is charged by the civilian police for this matter.

      The babysitter is ordered off the base by the Canadian Armed Forces. The babysitter’s father rents him an apartment in the West End of Edmonton.

    • In June the babysitter is arrested and charged for molesting a 13 year old newspaper carrier. The babysitter lures the newspaper carrier to his apartment with video games.

    • In August the babysitter is convicted in court of the charges relating to the boy from CFB Namao and the newspaper carrier. The Alberta crown prosecutor specifically mentions that the babysitter is a danger to children and informs the court of the babysitter’s conviction in Manitoba in 1984 for molesting a young child.

    • July

      Richard sends Scott and I to spend another summer with grandma.

      Somewhere between the summer of ’84 and this summer, grandma has “found jesus” again. She’s given up drinking. She frequently drags my brother and I to church service at St. Joseph’s Basilica on Sundays. She had even joined AA and appears to have stopped drinking. This is a new experience as I had never really seen grandma sober.

      Sober grandma was not as pleasant as intoxicated grandma.

    • August

      My father and my mother finalize their divorce. Somehow Sue discovers this and there is a massive domestic disturbance in the PMQ on Canadian Forces Base Downsview that results in my father being detained by the base military police.

      During the investigation, the military police hear disturbing things from the neighbours about how my father treats my brother and I. As the military police can’t find us, they ask Richard where we are. Richard tells them we’re in Edmonton with our grandmother. The CFB Downsview military police contact the Edmonton Police Service and ask the EPS to do a welfare check on my brother and I.

    • Upon our return to Toronto after having spent the summer in Edmonton the base military police had to speak to my brother and I about concerns they had for our safety living with our father. A couple of recommendation from the military police. Get out of the house if my father starts raging out. Jump from the second story window if necessary. Call for help from inside someone else’s PMQ. Never call 9-1-1, call the base military police instead as the civilian police can’t just respond to calls from on the base.

    • I was after this visit by the military police that I had my first inkling about the HMCS Kootenay. Bill didn’t name the ship, but he said that my father had been at sea and he had lost some very close friends in an “engine room explosion” and that Richard was never the same after that day. Bill said that he knew my father had a temper and that my father was prone to violence and that he had been hitting my brother and I, but Bill said that I had to forgive my father. Bill said that he really wished I knew my father before the “engine room explosion” as he was a much different guy. Bill said that much like on Shearwater, my brother and I were always welcome to come stay in his PMQ when my father was out of control and we needed a place to stay for a while.

    • September

      My father surprises me with a small birthday cake and a card with $20 inside. He apologized for not remembering my birthday for the last few years (since 1977 to be exact). Promises that he will never forget again. This would be the last birthday acknowledgement that I ever had from him.

      I wouldn’t discover until 2011 that we were under the supervision of the Children’s Aid Society of Toronto and that he was just buttering me up incase CAST was to find out about the massive domestic dispute that had occurred over the summer of ’85.

  • 1986

    • Attended cadet camp at RMC Kingston

    • 1 week prior to the end of summer training camp we were to call our parents to see if they were going to attend the graduating ceremonies and then drive us home after. That’s when I discovered that my father had signed my brother out of juvenile detention and he was going to take my brother and our stepmother to Washington, DC for a vacation and that I would have to take the bus from Kingston to Toronto.

  • 1987

    • February – Over the protests of the executive officer of my sea cadet corp., my father enrols my brother in the sea cadet corp that I am a member of. This XO worked with at-risk-youth involved in the criminal justice system. This XO had informed me that my brother had been giving the police my name and my DOB whenever he had been arrested. The XO did not want my brother in the corp as he couldn’t trust my brother.

    • May – After the disastrous cadet weekend at Canadian Forces Base Borden, I quit cadets. The XO ‘knew’ that my brother had joined in with some of the troublemakers from a different cadet corp that were staying in the same barracks as we were and had snuck over to the female’s side of the barracks. I highly suspected that Scott had done what he was accused of, but if I would have told the XO that my brother did do what he was accused of my father would have beaten the shit out of me for “not looking out for” my younger brother and allowing him to get into trouble.

    • My brother by this point had been in and out of group homes and juvie. He was hanging out with a group of small time thugs and would engage in strong armed robbery, B&E into hotel rooms and houses, stealing cars, etc.

    • August – Grandma dies.

    • September – picked up all of the forms and all of the paperwork required to allow me to get my learner’s permit and sign up for the Young Driver’s of Canada program. My father explains that I cannot have my driver’s licence as long as I live under his roof as this will make his insurance rates go up. If I want my licence I need to move out.

    • Fall –

      Scott had stolen our stepmother’s Chevrolet Chevette and went for a joyride with his the guys he hung out with. They nearly didn’t make it off the base as Scott lost control of the Chevette on the circular road for the PMQs and nearly struck a utility pole. Numerous people reported him to the military police, but he had gotten off base by the time the MPs arrived.

      I was asleep in my bed in my bedroom in the basement as I often slept in due to chronic fatigue due to my depression.

      Richard had come home from grocery shopping with Sue when they both noticed that the Chevette wasn’t in the parking space.

      Richard grabbed me by the ankle and yanked me out of bed. My head hit the concrete floor. Richard started punching me and kicking me demanding to know what I did with the Chevette. As I was trying to crawl under my bed to get away from him he’d just pull me back out. I kept telling him that I didn’t know what he was talking about as I was asleep. He then started ranting about how I wasn’t raising Scott right, that I didn’t protect Scott from the babysitter, that Scott was acting out the way he was because I let the babysitter molest him.

    • November – dropped out of school and moved out of the house shortly there after. My father’s anger was getting out of control and my father had lost complete control of my brother. Even my father was afraid of my younger brother.

      Started working full time and started renting a room in a house just off base. The house was a PMQ in the LDH housing that was off base but was adjacent to where I worked. It was rented by a member of the Canadian Forces who had just split up with his wife. His wife took the kids. As the wife was civilian she had to move out. This member did not want to move out of military housing and he did not want to move into the barracks, so he kept renting this PMQ and had decided to rent two of the three bedrooms out.

  • 1988

    Worked. Worked a lot.

  • 1989

    One of the owners of the company that I worked for had a friend in Timmins, Ontario that needed some help with servicing their amusement machines, so I was asked if I would like to spend a few weeks up north. I went up north and spent most of my time servicing video games, pinball machines, and jukeboxes that had been provided by this company to the various community centres on the Indian reservations on the shores of James Bay.

    When I returned to Toronto that summer, I found out rather abruptly that the Canadian Forces forbade the renting of rooms in the PMQs and that I had to find a new place to live. So I moved into my car at the base auto club carefully sleeping in the back and sneaking on and off base to get to my car.

    One day while heading to work I encountered Mr. Bowles, my former science teacher from Pierre Laporte. He implored me that I had to finish school, that I had way too much potential to waste. He said that if I was willing, he would get my other favourite teachers like Mr. Ford and Mr. Atkinson to write letters to a school program called A.I.S.P., the Alternative and Independent Study Program. He said that A.I.S.P. was ideal for kid who didn’t fit into the typical school programs or structures.

    I was accepted into A.I.S.P.

    As I needed a place to stay, I went back to Richard and asked him if it was possible to stay at his place until I finished A.I.S.P.. I explained to him that I intended to take grades 9 and grade 10 in the first year, and grade 11 and 12 in the second year. He accepted.

    A.I.S.P. was is a unique program that placed heavy emphasis on the Independent portion of its name. At the time is was run from the second floor of a former elementary school. At the time the school was running only kindergarten and a few of the first grades on the lower floor. A.I.S.P. had the second floor. There was definitely not enough room in this school to house the resources that grades 7 through 12 would require. And there definitely wasn’t enough room to accommodate all of the students if the students were to all show up at the same time.

    This is where the “independent” portion of the name came into play. Any branch of the North York Public Library or any library from any of the local junior high or high schools were available to us for study or for research. If we wanted to drop in on a subject being taught we could just show up at a local junior high or high school and sit in on their class. Our physical education programs took advantage of the various locals school. Yes, the teachers at A.I.S.P. ran classes but it was more like “here’s your assignment for the next week, hand in your work when you’ve completed it”

    I was walking from A.I.S.P. to the North York public library main branch which was just north of Yonge and Sheppard in North York. My father also worked in the government of Canada federal building at 4900 Yonge Street, which was right across from the library. I don’t know where Richard was going to, but he saw me and the kids I were with. In typical Richard dramatic fashion he floored his Mustang GT, pulled a u-turn in the intersection of Yonge and Sheppard, raced up beside us, and then jumped on the brakes. He got out of the car in and in a profanity laced tirade wanted to know what the fuck I was doing out of school, did I take him for a fucking idiot? How fucking long did I think that I was going to be able to pull this shit off for.

    When I got home that night, Richard was ranting again about A.I.S.P. and that he wanted me to”the fuck out of that fucking school and back into a normal fucking school” and that all I had to do was “sit the fuck down, look at the fucking blackboard, and mind my own fucking business” he even suggested that I just “take some fucking basket weaving courses” to get my grade twelve.

    Things did not get any better over the next couple of weeks. I ended up dropping out of school again and I got a job

  • 1991

  • 1992

    • Moved to Vancouver in February of 1992

  • 1993

  • 1994 –

    • Arrived back in Vancouver from Toronto.

      End up with a room at the Sally Anne on Dunsmuir street. EI took a couple of weeks to reroute from Toronto to Vancouver. Received BC social service assistance which was to be paid back.

    • It was becoming painfully self evident that only those with supportive parents met success in life and that I was destined to forever be wasting my life making welfare wages.

    • I had been eying up the Lions Gate Bridge for a couple of weeks. Knew that I wouldn’t be able to simply jump off, but that I would have to drink some liquid courage but doing so would put me at risk of being discovered.

    • Saturday June 11th made my way to the Lions Gate Bridge.

  • 1995

  • 1996

  • 1997 – As a result of the finding of the Somalia Inquiry, the Canadian Forces Special Investigations Unit is disbanded and replaced by the Canadian Forces National investigation Unit. The Provost Marshal is stood up for the first time since the ’60s. All military police are placed under the command of the Provost Marshal and are in theory removed from the local chain of command, but the changes in the National Defence Act fall critically short of placing members of the base military police and the CFNIS outside of the overall chain of command, and thus investigators with the base military police and the CFNIS must still obey the lawful commands of anyone with a superior rank.

  • 1998

    Bill C-25(1998) “An Act to Make Amendments to the National Defence Act” passed in the House of Commons.

    There are two key sections to this bill.

    The first is the removal of the 3-year-time-bar from the National Defence Act and the application of the relevant Criminal Code “statute of limitations” for Service Offences that are Criminal Code in nature.

    The second is the removal of the requirement for the commanding officer to conduct a summary review of the investigation. Also removed are the commanding officer’s ability to summarily dismiss charges brought against their subordinate. Charges will now be reviewed by a military prosecutor.

    Unfortunately there is no language in the Act to apply these changes retroactively.

  • 1999

  • 2000

    • The babysitter attempts suicide

  • 2001

    • March 2001 – As a result of the previous year’s suicide attempt, the babysitter hires an Edmonton based lawyer and initiates a $4.5 million dollar civil action in the Alberta Court of Queen’s Bench against Angus McRae, the Archdiocese of Edmonton, the Canadian Armed Forces, and the Department of National Defence.

    • The Department of Justice represents the CAF and the DND.

  • 2005

  • 2006

    • August – made contact with Richard via voice mail.

      Let Richard know that I was sick and tired of being blamed for what had happened on CFB Namao and that I was sick and tired of always being blamed for having “fucked” with his military career. I was sick and tired of always hearing from Scott of all of the things that Richard had done for him. I told him that I was seriously considering going to the police with a complaint against the babysitter.

    • Richard called me back the next morning, his voice was shaking.

      He wanted to know why I just didn’t simply move on.

      He said that everyone made choices back in 1980 and that there was no undoing the past.

      Richard told me that I had to understand something about the babysitter. He said that it was his mother who hired the babysitter, not him. He said that he told grandma that he found the babysitter to be creepy and not very trustworthy, but that grandma wasn’t going to listen to him. Richard had no problem recalling the babysitter’s name.

    • For the next couple of weeks Richard would call me on a daily basis to see how I was and to have small talk that sounded very forced.

      The calls stopped after a few weeks.

      I never spoke to Richard again after that.

  • 2008

    • I decide to make a change in my life to escape the past. I start looking into legally changing my name.

    • May of 2008 my name is officially changed to Bobbie Garnet Bees.

    • Department of Justice communicates with the babysitter’s lawyer and signals their intentions to pay a settlement

    • Cheque issued to babysitter. Amount paid unknown.

  • 2011

    • In March of 2011 I decide to finally go after the babysitter. I figured that if I could get the babysitter to admit to what he had done that Richard would finally stop blaming me.

    • March 4th, 2011 I sent an email off to the Edmonton Police Service asking how I would go about pressing charges against my former babysitter.

    • The Edmonton Police Service forwards my query off to the Alberta Serious Incident Response Team and asks ASIRT who’s jurisdiction my complaint belongs to. ASIRT in turn forwards my complaint off to the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service at Edmonton Garrison.

  • 2012

  • 2013

  • 2015

  • 2016

  • 2018

  • 2020

Who would I invite for dinner

Daily writing prompt
If you could host a dinner and anyone you invite was sure to come, who would you invite?

Would this have to be a civilized dinner or could this be something straight from the pages of “The Game of Thrones”.

A civilized dinner?

Can’t think of anyone.

A “Game of Thrones” themed dinner.

Yeah, far too many people involved with the Canadian Armed Forces………