My father was a piss tank alcoholic with a metric shit ton of demons.
My grandmother was a piss tank alcoholic with her own metric shit ton of demons.
There was absolutely no love in my family.
Anything that resembled love was just an attempt at blackmail.
I know that it’s weird to think, but the only time that I think I will ever feel loved is when people stop forcing me to live.
The best way for people to show their love to me is to admit that not everything is fixable and that sometimes the best course of action is to end the suffering, the depression, and the anxiety.
I’ve never had anything in the way of what I would call a “road trip” until rather recently in life.
My father wasn’t the type of guy to go camping with his kids.
He did borrow a truck with a camper from one of his air forces buddies when we lived on CFB Griesbach in Edmonton from 1980 to 1983, but this was so that he could take his new wife camping in the mountains.
In 2023 I had what you could call “road trips”.
One was to Ontario. And one was to Iceland.
The trip to Ontario was by Via Rail. This trip was booked so that it would happen right after I made my application for M.A.i.D.. I was intending to use the trip to have some quiet reflection after making my application for my death.
But of course, the Government of Canada capitulated to the imaginary friend brigade.
It was an interesting trip, but as usual depression and self doubt were my constant companions.
Initially I thought that the trip was going to be aborted in Winnipeg as there really wasn’t any space for me to be left alone on the train, but thankfully I discovered the “economy class” at the front of the train.
The “sleeper class” section of the train has access to the diner car and the bar car at the rear of the train. But with the exception of meal time, the diner car is off limits for sitting down in.
And the rear of the train is for socializing.
I don’t socialize.
I hate small talk.
And I hate polite talk.
So as can be imagined the trip started off as a nightmare.
But then I discovered the “economy class” diner.
And yes, I could grab a chair and sit at a table and write out to my heart’s content on my laptop.
My trip to Iceland came as a result of the settlement that I received for a previous childhood matter.
Ever since I received my medical reports from the PEI government in 2011 that indicated that my father had been in Iceland on the day that I had been knocked unconscious in a “bicycle accident” I had a desire to go to Iceland to see what was so special that he’d leave my brother and I alone in the PMQ while he flew off to an entirely different country with the Canadian Armed Forces.
The day of the “accident” was in July of 1978. My grandmother had returned back to Edmonton in the spring of 1978, and we moved to CFB Namao in Edmonton in August of 1978. My mother of course had been kicked out of the PMQ by my father in 1977.
I don’t recognize the names on the hospital records of the person who found me “laying” in the middle of the road and took me to the hospital. And my father’s name is the only name listed as Next of Kin, so it’s obvious that Richard wasn’t going to let his kids stand in the way of his flying to Iceland.
So, as I said, I was curious to see what was so special about Iceland.
I booked the trip so that I would be in Iceland for the summer solstice.
Iceland, or more specifically Reykjavik was interesting.
I didn’t get around too much of the island, I just stayed around Reykjavik, but I did violate one rule and I ended up out at the Black Sand Beach on the south east corner of the island.
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So, I never did discover a reason for my father to have buggered off to the island while leaving his kids unattended at home in military housing.
Maybe he thought that the other parents on base would just look after us in the same manner that he just expected everyone else to look after us.
And I can’t see having told his chain of command that he wouldn’t be able to go out on training exercises as he had a responsibility to look after his family.
Iceland is an interesting place. Nice and quiet. Everyone keeps to themselves, but they are very friendly.
If you have depression or anxiety Iceland is actually therapeutic as it gets you away from our toxic and highly dysfunctional culture.
The cycling culture is better than that of Vancouver’s.
Even though the Americans infected Iceland with car culture in the aftermath of WWII due to the presence of an American air force base on the island, bicycling is supported very strongly on the island. As is walking. Reykjavik is a very walkable city.
2023 Trip to Iceland
This counter that was just down the path from the hotel I stayed in shows that 5 bicycles and 16 pedestrians had passed this point by 00:58. Yes, the counter resets at 00:00. And yes, this is midnight on the summer solstice.
And the aforementioned US military presence on the island in the years after WWII is what fuelled the punk rock scene on the island, especially in Reykjavik. The punk rock scene exploded primarily as a force of resistance against the American influence on Icelandic culture.
There’s a wonderful little Punk “museum” in the heart of Reykjavik in an old converted public washroom. These public washrooms weren’t small, they’re pretty large. And hence there’s a museum in one of them. If you’re in Reykjavik you should give it a try.
Walking around in Reykjavik I realized that there weren’t many visible signs of drug use, mental health issues, or homelessness. That’s not because they don’t have these issues. It’s because unlike here in Canada where we are in a never ending race with the Americans to see who can cut their taxes to the absolute minimum while cutting as many social programs to the bone, Iceland heavily invests in social housing, looking after their mentally ill, and looking after their drug addicts.
Yes, their taxes are high when compared to Canada’s taxes, but they don’t have homeless people sleeping in doorways, homeless families living in cars, and homeless people shitting and pissing in the alleys.
And the truth about Canadian taxes is our tax rates, especially our lack of a wealth tax, is that our taxes are laughably so low that they’re criminal.
Canada’s tax rate is even less than America’s tax rate.
Christ, our tax rate is even lower than Ethiopia’s tax rate.
Yeah, it’s no wonder why we don’t have any investment in social programs and why our governments are trying to cut away as many social programs as possible. Our governments are trying to compete against Indonesia, Pakistan, and Ethiopia to be tax havens for the rich.
Anyways, would I go to Iceland again?
I probably would, given the chance. I’d plan for a couple of weeks stay and I’d try to get up to the northern part of the island to get as close to the Arctic circle as possible for the summer solstice.
Yep, the DOJ is appealing the decision of Justice Neufeld.
Nothing unexpected here.
In fact I would have been even more surprised if the CAF, the DND, and the DOJ didn’t appeal.
And they’re appealing just about everything in Justice Neufeld’s decision.
I don’t know how long this will take, but I would imagine that there will be some back and forth on this matter before the main case is allowed to proceed.
Hopefully this all gets wrapped up before Sir Misogyny the Orange invades and annexes Canada and turns us into another Puerto Rico.
And a convicted felon and an adjudicated rapist has become the president of the US of A.
Sir Misogyny the Orange is making wild ass claims that Canadians want to plummet down the “quality of life” rankings to join the US of A near the bottom of the list.
Vying to take Justin’s place is a man who has never worked a real job for a single day in his life, has been collecting a cushy government pension for quite some time now, and claims to support the “little guy” while calling for the age of retirement to be raised to 70 and beyond.
The fact that Christy Clark wants to throw her hat into the ring as the leader of the Federal Liberals shows just how uneducated the Canadian public really is. Christy was the premier of British Columbia after DUI Gordo stepped down. The problem with the BC Liberals is that they had nothing in common with the Liberal party in any other province or at the federal level.
The BC Liberals were the rejects left over from the collapse of the BC Social Credit party, which was as hard right and fundamentalist as they come. After the Socreds imploded under Vander Zalm the party knew that it would never be able to run as the Socreds again. So, it became the BC Liberal Party.
But the BC NDP wasn’t much better as it had veered to the far right, but it hadn’t veered right far enough for the real owners of BC. Even though the BC NDP were pissing off every union in BC and kissing billionaire ass left, right, and centre, it wasn’t enough. And when the BC NDP lost the election to the BC Liberals the leader of the BC NDP jumped into bed with BC’s own favourite billionaire.
I think that the dumbing down of Canada happened with Lyin’ Brian.
Instead of standing up to America, Brian dropped his paper bags of Karl’s money on the ground, knelt upon them, and pledged his fealty to Wall Street and to Ronnie Raygun.
And Canada has been influenced by American propaganda ever since. American propaganda is why there is such a wildly wrong interpretation of communism and socialism in the US of A.
With the absolute exception of the CBC, all Canadian Media is American owned.
Sure, just like in the oil fields, the head offices may be in Canada, but the shareholders and hedge funds are all American owned. And as such the media spews the American view.
There are Americans and Canadians that believe that the Soviet Union and China were / are communist when the Soviet Union and China have always been single party totalitarian regimes.
In the last 20 years China has veered off into some sort of hybrid mix of capitalism and totalitarianism. Meanwhile Russia veered off into some bizarre mix of capitalism and organized crime syndicates.
Communism by its very nature can’t exist in a state which enforces class stratification. For a state to be communist there can’t be “leaders”. Everyone would have to “lead”. And the state couldn’t own the means of production. Communism is where the workers own the means of production. I don’t think that any state workers in the U.S.S.R. or even pre-1990s China owned the means of production.
Socialism is the supposed condition that exists between capitalism and communism with the means of production and distribution being owned collectively for the benefit of the citizens of the country until a state of statelessness and classlessness can be obtained.
Capitalism is where the state serves to enforce the ownership of the means of production by the capitalists, and by force if force is required. Remember back to 1800s and the early 1900s when States in America would unleash state militias on unions at the bequest of the mine owners and would kill strikers to protect the assets of the owners.
It’s sad to see that there are Canadians that get all of their knowledge of America from TV shows like Beverly Hill 90210, House, Scrubs, etc.
The fact that an Australian Oligarch named Rupert Murdoch was able to worm his way into America and peddle his lies without contest shows just how unprepared the American government was for a takeover by foreign invaders.
Rupert lobbied Ronnie for the elimination of the “fairness doctrine” which led to Faux Newz, Rush Limbaugh, Alex Jones, Gavin McInness, which of course led to Canada’s very own media of the loons.
The fact that a racist from South Africa can be viewed as a “captain of industry” when his first product was a means to move money around without the scrutiny of the banks, law enforcement, and government which of course benefits one type of enterprise in particular is pretty damning.
And ever since the late ’80s the media, all owned by billionaires, has been skewing hard right and trying to convince people one both sides of the border that a fascist oligarchy is the best style of government.
The greatest trick of the billionaires has been convincing the general public that the media has veered too far to the left when in fact all the billionaires care about is spewing their propaganda in a positive light. To the billionaire class there is no right and there is no left, there’s only the serfs and the elites.
See, back in the early 1900s, America was going through a gilded age. The poor were surviving hand to mouth. American cities had massive slums that rivalled the slums of the United Kingdom. But the rich were making a killing.
But the oligarchs took it too far in the 1920s which led to the stock market crash of 1929 which plunged America into the great depression.
FDR came to the rescue with his “New Deal” which brought in all sorts of regulations and laws that prevented the stock market and the banks from acting like no limit casinos. He also raised the taxes on the multi millionaires to the point of 90% and above tax rates.
No one but an idiot would pay those tax rates. All you had to do was invest in your company, or invest in your work force, and your taxes would come tumbling down.
That’s why America progressed so far up the social ladder in the ’50s and ’60s.
But this wasn’t good enough for the plutocrats or the oligarchs.
They wanted their money without any of the social obligations that came with it.
So these fuckers started putting their kids through Ivy League schools with the goal of getting their kids into positions of government to overturn FDR’s “New Deal” policies. And they succeeded.
Since the ’70s the rich have been waging a war on the public education system. You need to destroy the public education system if you ever want to return to the gilded age. You need to brain wash the next generation into believing that being a billionaire is not a sign of mental illness but is instead a sign of brilliance. You need to brain wash the public into believing that the vote of someone making $65,000.00 per year is worth as much as someone with $120 billion dollars in wealth.
Did one of those DNA tests a while ago, and the results are interesting.
The “France” area doesn’t surprise me as my mother was dyed in the wool French from Quebec.
The Indigenous Americas doesn’t surprise me as my paternal grandmother was Swampy Cree from Northern Alberta.
What is interesting is the Scots. My father always told me and my brother that we were “mutts”, a mix of Irish, French, and Cree. He never said anything about Scottish. And it’s funny seeing that my DNA matches with more DNA samples from Indigenous Americas that it does with samples with Irish DNA.
This is primarily due to how dysfunctional my past has been and how much the past has affected my life in the current day.
All my life I’ve never had anything to look forward to in the future. The future was always uncertain for me as after CFB Namao I never saw myself having a future.
The one thing that I do have to look forward to is death.
The only certainty that life has to offer is death.
Death, as has been said, is the great equalizer.
When we’re dead we’re no better and no worse than the next person.
What is the greatest gift that someone could give to me?
Four simple words
You
Have
Been
Approved
I am so fucking tired.
Tired of this life.
Tired of this existence.
Tired of fighting the lies.
Tired of learning that the truth was more insidious than what could be imagined.
I’m really hoping that my nurse practitioner tells me in 2027 that the two M.A.i.D. assessors have approved my application for Medical Assistance in Dying. “Bobbie, you have been approved”.
Those four words will bring so much joy and relief to me.
My father had to be one of the most significant anti-education people that I’ve ever seen.
He dropped out of school in grade 9 and enrolled in the Royal Canadian Navy in 1963 just after he turned 17.
To him, his single room school education was all that anyone would ever need in their life.
To him, the teachers were all idiots.
Especially if the teachers were women.
It’s not that I didn’t want to go to school, but by 1987 things had gone so far off the rails in Richard’s house that leaving home was the only thing that I could do.
So yeah, there was going to be no college, university, or even trade school in my future.
When I discovered the existence of my social service paperwork in 2011 and discovered that I had been so close to being removed from Richard’s dysfunctional household, my brain exploded.
All of these years I had absolutely no idea that when we lived on Canadian Forces Base Downsview in Toronto that my family was under the supervision of the Children’s Aid Society of Toronto and that if when home life started going to shit in the days after Richard’s rampage in 1985, I could have applied for emergency shelter and moved out of Richard’s dysfunctional household on CFB Downsview and had my room and board looked after until age 19.
But, none of that was meant to be.
So, here I am at 53 years of age despising what my life has become due to the decisions of others and hoping that I can qualify for medical assistance in dying when it becomes legal in March of 2027.
While poking around on the intertubes yesterday I came across a story related to me that flew completely under my radar.
David Pugliese of the Ottawa Citizen has actually filed Freedom of Information Act requests with the Department of National Defence in order to try to discover who ordered the CFSIU paperwork and Courts Martial transcripts to be withheld from me, and to be as heavily redacted as they were the first time that DND released these document to me in mid 2020.
I applaud David for digging deeper into this story.
At this point in my life I’ve all but given up on dealing with the Canadian Armed Forces and the Department of National Defence.
If there is one thing that I’ve learnt in my dealings with the Canadian Armed Forces and the Department of National Defence is the truth is whatever they want it to be no matter how many lives they destroy in the process. Collateral damage is a minor expense when it comes to protecting one’s public image.
This was the response to an ATI that I had filed back in 2018 asking for copies of any emails that I had sent to the Minister of National Defence.
First, what is the “Corp Sec DSCS”?
The Corp Sec DSCS is the Corporate Secretary in the department of the Director Strategic Corporate Services (DSCS), Department of National Defence.
Basically the DSCS-DSMS is the gate keeper for information contained within the Department of National Defence that could prove detrimental if said information were to be released to the public.
You know, like a military police report from 1980 that runs in 180 degrees of opposition to what a military police investigation in 2011 concluded.
The DSCS-DSMS also function as the creative storytellers for the Minister of National Defence / Chief of Defence Staff / Vice Chief of Defence Staff carefully coordinating and concocting the BS that comes from all three of these entities so that a unified story is presented to the Canadian public.
In this above email between Denis Paradis, Major Zenon Drebot (Zenon Drebot Canadian Armed Forces – Office of the Judge-Advocate General) and William Bain they actively discuss hiding my correspondence with the Minister of National Defence from any ATI request.
How do they do this?
The first step is to encrypt the correspondence. Encrypted data is difficult to search, especially without the required decryption key.
Basically what’s supposed to happen is any email that is sent to the government is searchable and can be located by the ATI office, once located the ATI office is supposed to go through the email to assess if it can be released to the public and make any redactions as required prior to releasing the document.
However, the “space saver” is a literal fucking black hole. Once documents disappear into that black hole they’ll never see the light of day again unless they prove beneficial to the Department of National Defence, the Canadian Armed Forces, or the Minister of National Defence.
To further complicate matters, my emails were almost always to do with the subject of “child sexual abuse”. The CAF and the DND probably receive 1,000s of emails every month that don’t have anything to do with “child sexual abuse”. By stripping the true subject matter of my emails from the email and replacing the subject of my emails with “concerns with the Canadian Forces” the DSCS is making it all but impossible to find any trace of my emails.
And finally, my name is spelt “BOBBIE”, not “BOBBY”.
This is important as when the ATI section scans the email servers for emails from “Bobbie Bees” it won’t indicate any traces of “Bobby Bees”. Those are two separate persons. And under ATI guidelines “Bobbie Bees” is not entitled to the personal information of “Bobby Bees”.
The Canadian Armed Forces and the Department of National Defence have a knack for obfuscation.
National Post February 1st, 2019 page A6
By referring to Vice-Admiral Mark Norman as anything but his name, the Chain of Command within the Canadian Armed Forces and the hierarchy in the Department of National Defence could freely discuss Vice-Admiral Mark Norman and the military’s tactics for dealing with Vice-Admiral Mark Norman without risking their plots coming to the attention of Vice-Admiral Mark Norman or Vice-Admiral Mark Norman’s lawyers.
The Canadian Armed Forces and the Department of National Defence are organization the rely heavily upon being able to control the narrative and the optics.
The attitudes within the CAF and the DND are that civilians are simpering whelps that could never measure up to military standards and therefore the CAF and the DND will not be held to the same standards as mere civilians.
This attitude is endemic within the Canadian Armed Forces and the Department of National Defence.
Everyone within the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service that was involved with GO2011-5754 in 2011 knew the full fucking truth about what had transpired on CFB Namao from 1978 until 1980, but they had assumed that I would never know the truth because the original courts martial in July of 1980 had been moved in-camera and everything had been sealed away from the public.
And if it hadn’t been for Master Corporal Christian Cyr flapping his trap on May 3rd, 2011 in an obvious glib attempt to show me that he knew what the truth was and that he knew that I was just trying to scam the military for money, I would never have been any of the wiser and I would never have been launched down this trajectory when Petty Officer Steve Morris told me on November 4th, 2011 that the CFNIS could find absolutely no evidence to indicate that P.S. was capable of what I had accused him of.
However, after hearing Morris basically call me a liar on November 4th, 2011, I wasn’t going to stop.
And after almost ten years, the truth came out, it was the babysitter’s abuse of younger children that brought Captain McRae to the attention of the CFSIU and that the CFSIU was in turn well aware that Captain McRae was giving children alcohol in the rectory at the base chapel and then taking them into the bedroom to “fool around” with them.
This has been a very slow battle with an extreme power imbalance between the CAF, the DND, and myself as the CAF and the DND both enjoy the ability to hide and withhold information from anyone or anything they declare to be an adversary.
I know that there’s so much more information that the DND and the CAF have related to child sexual abuse on the bases. But I also know from personal experience that the DND and the CAF can withhold any information that they want and that they do so knowing that they will face very little in the way of consequences.
I wish that I could say that my brother and I had some sort of decent relationship. But we didn’t.
That’s how we were raised.
Scott was always told that I allowed the babysitter to molest him.
I was always told that I was responsible for Scott’s misbehaviours as I had allowed the babysitter to molest him.
And of course there was Richard, not taking responsibility for anyone or anything as long as he had a scapegoat to blame things on.
His usual scapegoats were myself, my grandmother, and my mother.
It’s no surprise that these are the three people Scott hated until the day he died.
And let’s not kid anyone, Scott may have been slowly coming around to the fact that I wasn’t the bad guy. But that only happened because Richard died and because the Canadian Armed Forces finally released the CFSIU investigation paperwork and the courts martial transcripts. If those three events hadn’t occurred Scott would never have shown any change in his ideas about me.
And let’s not kid ourselves, Scott’s hatred of me could be intense at times.
When Scott wasn’t around Richard we could talk, but as soon as Richard got hold of Scott, Richard would download his version of reality into Scott’s brain.
How quickly could Richard flip Scott?
So fucking fast that it would make your distant ancestors dizzy.
Scott and I had been friends on Facebook since the spring of 2013 when I tracked him down to talk to him about his 2011 statement to the CFNIS.
Over the summer of 2013 I went up to Edmonton and hung out with Scott for a week.
Scott at that point in time said that he hadn’t talked to Richard or Sue since back in 2008 when Richard and Sue tried to pester Scott into attending Eric Kolsteren’s funeral after Eric had committed suicide.
As Scott and I were friends on Facebook I’d get alerted to any post that he made, so of course I was notified of this. According to Scott at a much later date, Sue had tracked Scott down because apparently Richard was freaking the fuck out about my Federal Court hearing and Richard wanted Scott to “remember” how things had “really” been after CFB Namao.
On October 3rd, 2013 I was heading into Federal Court for my hearing for Judicial Review when my Facebook page started blowing up fast with bizarre accusations from Scott.
Because I blocked him on Facebook he resorted to contacting me via text messages.
The vitriol that Richard had pumped into Scott skull must have done the trick as this was the final text message between Scott and I until 2021.
P. was our babysitter from CFB Namao.
And some of his posts between 2013 and 2021 were just as off the wall as this.
Things didn’t get any better until 2020 in the aftermath of David Pugliese’s columns about how the Canadian Armed Forces were moving mountains to keep Captain McRae’s secrets hidden.
And then once David ran the above column Scott reached out and contacted me.
We met and went for breakfast.
He was in town for a couple of days.
And that was the last time I ever saw him in person.
I’m fucking happy that Richard was dead and long gone otherwise I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that Richard would have pumped Scott’s head full of complete bullshit.
I really do wish that Richard had been alive for the release of the CFSIU paperwork and the Courts Martial transcripts. I would have loved to see the fucking worm wriggle and writhe as he tried to explain just what the fuck went on back in 1978 to 1980.
But yeah, this is the environment that my brother and I grew up in.
An environment where orders trumped truth.
An environment where secrets needed to be kept no matter the cost.
The environment that Scott and I grew up in existed on each and every Canadian Armed Forces base across the country.
Each base was staffed with regular force, reserves, and civilians that were all hired by the same two employers. The Department of National Defence and the Canadian Armed Forces.
The DND and the CAF were the gatekeepers for each Defence Establishment.
The DND and the CAF were responsible for the justice system that administered justice on each and every Defence Establishment.
My father wouldn’t have denied the truth about what happened on Canadian Forces Base Namao without those above him assuring him that the truth would never come out. That’s why Richard had no problem in 2011 writing our grandmother out of existence during his interview with the CFNIS. He never would have imagined that I would have discovered my social services paperwork. In 2013 I gave him sections of my social service paperwork to assist him with writing his replies to my written examination that I sent to him. This must have blown his fucking mind. And it would have scared the shit out of him. The Canadian Forces promised him in 1980 that if he played along that he’d be looked after.
When I confronted him with my social service paperwork, he must have panicked. He had Sue track Scott down so that he could pump his lies and bullshit into Scott’s head.
And Scott, not knowing any better, went along with what Richard had been saying all along. Bobbie was responsible for what happened on CFB Namao, he’s a homosexual, he wanted the babysitter to have sex with you, that’s why the babysitter was never arrested, the 15 year old babysitter was a victim of 8 year old Bobbie.
And Scott let Richard’s poison into his brain, because after all, Richard wouldn’t lie, right? Shit like this doesn’t happen on military bases, right?
No doubt that between October of 2013 and January of 2017, Richard was sticking to his guns that nothing happened on CFB Namao, that Bobbie was just doing this to get out of his responsibility for being a homosexual that allowed the babysitter to have sex with you.
Then Richard died in January of 2017.
Then came the existence of CFSIU DS-120-10-80.
Then came the existence of Courts Martial transcripts CM62
Then came my fight with DND and the CAF over those records.
Then came the release of information in October of 2020 that confirmed once and for all that the CAF and the DND knew full well fucking well what had happened on CFB Namao from 1978 to 1980.
I don’t think that Scott and I could ever patch things up.
Scott and I were victims of the desire of the Canadian Armed Forces to keep the Captain Father Angus McRae child sexual abuse scandal under wraps which was facilitated by their spineless little minions like Colonel Daniel Edward Munro, Captain Terry Totzke, and Master Corporal Richard Wayne Gill.
Beeshive 