What I fear the most is not losing my class action against the Canadian Armed Forces and the Department of National Defence.
What I fear the most is not death. Death is a natural occurrence that we will all experience once in our lives.
What I fear the most is not being able to end my life via Medical Assistance in Dying and having to keep living with the past.
What I fear the most is being forced to end my life by suicide and not being successful at it.
“Bobbie, just move on, leave the past in the past”
Not that simple.
I know that it’s so very hard for you to fathom that someone would gladly look forward to their death to escape their mental issues.
But as I’ve said time and time again, what I went through as a child is not something that I would ever wish upon my worst enemy.
“But Bobbie, children have always been subject to child sexual abuse.”
Yes, that is quite true. And for so long as child sexual abuse exists so will child, teen, and adult suicide. Especially when victim blaming and/or victim shaming are involved.
What I fear the most is that even if Medial Assistance in Dying when Mental Illness is the Sole Underlying Medical Condition (M.A.i.D. MISUMC) is finally legalized in March of 2027 that I will be excluded.
The guidelines for M.A.i.D. MISUMC seem to require documentation to illustrate a “life long” suffering from mental illnesses such as Major Depression or Severe Anxiety.
I have the documentation for the diagnoses. But what I don’t have is the documentation showing a “life long” attempt to deal with the diagnoses through counselling, therapy, or drugs.
But as I’ve said before, between Captain Totzke and my father, these diagnoses were hidden from me and instead I was blamed for my own misfortune.
I never sought treatment from October of 1980 until August of 2011, not because I wasn’t experiencing any issues, I never sought treatment as it had been drilled into my head when I was younger that my issues were made up, that I was acting up just to seek attention, that my “issues” were just attempts for me to shift the blame for what “I” had done on CFB Namao.
Due to my untreated mental illnesses there never were significant others in my life that would have flagged my issues and urged me to seek treatment. There was just an internal desire to hide and mask my flaws so that I could hold employment.
For the most part my adult medical needs were taken care of by walk-in clinics. Walk-in clinics really aren’t the greatest for following up with issues like mental health issues.
And besides, I had no safety net to fall back upon. Asking for help in my younger days would have more than likely entailed a stay or two at a psychiatric facility, which would have been the end of any employment that I had. Being on my own since I was 16, and not having a family to fall back on for support, meant that I had to ensure that I was always employed.
And back in the ’80s , the ’90s, and even the aughts, stays at psych facilities would have been a definite red flag on most employment applications.
Seeking help for my mental issues would be something that I would have avoided at all costs. Primarily due to my ignorance about having been diagnosed at age 9 with some pretty serious mental illnesses, but also because the military environment that I had grown up in at the time made it well known that mental health issues were signs of failure and that only weak crybabies went to the head shrinker.
After I obtained my social service paperwork in 2011, I did avail myself to counselling. But this did absolutely nothing as the counsellors just couldn’t wrap their heads around what I was telling them about my childhood.
Dying with Dignity Canada https://www.dyingwithdignity.ca/advocacy/maid-for-mental-illness/ has initiated a court challenge. But I don’t really have faith in this organization. DWDC seems to support criteria to qualify for M.A.i.D. MISUMC that may actually serve as a barrier to those such as myself who desire to obtain M.A.i.D.. Yes, I understand the need for criteria, but there MUST be exceptions made for persons such as myself who were willfully denied treatment for mental illness.
Beeshive 