Will things ever go back to normal for me?
That’s the problem, things were never normal for me.
It’s not like I got touched inappropriately one day and that was it.
The abuse went on for 1-1/2 years.
The subsequent psychological abuse then went on for another 2-1/2 years with my father’s knowledge and participation.
My family was dysfunctional before the events of CFB Namao.
The dysfunctionality became far worse after CFB Namao.
There are no drugs I could take to make me “normal”.
There is no therapy that will make me normal.
I don’t have a normal to go back to.
And there is nothing that will undo what was done without causing significant brain impairment.
I’m in a career that isn’t something that I would have chosen if I had been given a chance. The career that I’m in is one that I was able to fall into because the requirements were low enough and I had the intelligence to meet them.
I’ve spent the last 35+ years of my life working just to keep a roof over my head and keep food in my belly.
I’ve never once had the opportunity to be something that I wanted to be.
I was either too busy working, or I was too emotionally dead and self loathing to do anything.
Just like everyone else, when I was young I must have had dreams of what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that was so long ago I can’t even remember what they were.
What happened on CFB Namao and the way it was handled by the Canadian Armed Forces sent my life off on a trajectory for which there is absolutely no recovery.
What is the Government of Canada willing to pay?
Definitely not enough to ever undo the damage that was done. There is no amount of money that can ever undo what I’ve suffered through.
Definitely not enough to ever give me back the time that was stolen from me.
Even in 2011 the Canadian Forces via the National Investigation Service were trying to convince me that I was just making things up and exaggerating things. To them I was just collateral damage from a decision made 30 years prior by persons no longer in the Canadian Armed Forces.
How does the Government of Canada and the Canadian Forces ever make up for the lies they told me and the humiliation they made me suffer due to their farcical investigation in 2011.
The Canadian Forces took away the only chance that I would have ever had to have my father apologize for the lies he told me and the hell he put me through as a child.
My father had a choice.
In 1980 my father could have raised a stink about how the Chain of Command had buried most of the charges brought against Captain McRae.
In 1980 my father chose to go along with the chain of command decisions.
In 1980 my father chose to play along with Captain Terry Totzke.
In 1980 my father chose the Canadian Forces over his own children.
In 2011 my father again chose the Canadian Forces over his children.
When my father gave his statement to the CFNIS in 2011, there was absolutely no way that he would have forgotten to mention the fact that grandma had resided with us since early 1977 and that she had been living in Richard’s PMQ on base and was raising my brother and I.
Either he was too much of a fucking pussy to admit that he wasn’t man enough to raise his own children and that he needed his mother to raise his children for him or the CFNIS suggested that he not mention grandma.
Either way, someone knew that grandma was going to be a very big problem.
Richard wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t remember hiring a babysitter.
He didn’t, it was his mother. He even admitted as much in 2006.
Richard wasn’t lying when he said that he didn’t remember a babysitter being in the house.
He wasn’t home very often while we lived on CFB Namao. He was always off on training exercises or living with his girlfriends off base. But then again, both he and Sue stopped by one weekend for a visit when Peter was sexually assaulting my brother and I in the basement. So Richard was obviously cognizant that Peter was looking after us.
But Richard did lie none the less.
He knew who the babysitter was as he would freely use Peter’s name while we lived on CFB Downsview.
He knew who the babysitter was when I spoke to him in 2006 about the babysitter. He pleaded with me to not blame him, after all it was his mother that hired the babysitter.
So, he lied.
And he lied because I was worthless to him.
Richard was the only person that mattered in Richard’s world.
After all, I was the kid that fucked with his military career. It was my apparent frequent homosexual relationships with Peter that got us bounced off CFB Namao to CFB Griesbach. It was my mental health issues that got us bounced from CFB Griesbach to CFB Downsview. It was because I was only concerned about myself that at 8 years of age I allowed the 14 year old babysitter to molest my 6 year old brother.
My father knew who the babysitter was because every time my brother got into trouble while we lived on CFB Downsview, it was my fault for letting Peter touch my younger brother.
And yet in 2011, he lied through his teeth. He lied either at the request of the CFNIS, or he lied to cover up for the fact that he was a very incompetent father.
Either way he chose the Canadian Forces over me.
That’s not something that I’ll ever forget, or forgive.
He’s not here to apologize for it.
Sexual relationships to me have always been about having to surrender my body to someone older than me and doing what they tell me to do.
To me, sex is not about pleasure or fun.
Sex is something that others use to control you.
Sex is only something you have when others want something from you.
Sex is dirty.
Sex is filthy.
Sex was a very confusing subject for me when I was growing up.
From age 9 until age 11 I was in the care of a military social worker who was trying to help me with the mental illness I was exhibiting. At the time I had no idea he was in the Canadian Forces. I only knew him as Terry.
Terry was upset with me for having had homosexual sex with Peter. Terry would tell me time and time again that he had the military police watching me and that if I ever kissed or touched another boy that I would be sent off to the Alberta Hospital.
My father would parrot everything that Terry had to say.
In August of 2011 I would learn that Terry was Canadian Armed Forces officer Captain Terry Totzke.
In 2018 I would learn that the Canadian Forces had viewed what Captain McRae had done in 1978 to 1980 as being “acts of homosexuality”. This meant that in the eyes of the Canadian Armed Forces all of the children involved with Peter And Captain McRae were homosexuals.
And with the time of me being caught being buggered in Peter’s bedroom coinciding with the start of the investigation of Captain Father Angus McRae I would say that it had been my being caught with Peter as being the catalyst for the investigation into Peter that eventually led to the investigation of Captain McRae.
But again, I wasn’t a victim. I was a homosexual.
See, that’s the difference between someone who was sexually assaulted as a child and never told anyone and me.
I may have kept my mouth shut about what had happened.
But people knew what happened. Hence why I was put in the care of Captain Totzke.
Yes, I was diagnosed as being beyond despair and beyond depression. I was noted as being severely anxious. I was noted as being terrified of men. I was convinced my father was going to kill me. And I did not like being physically touched. But looking back, this isn’t what Captain Totzke was concerned with.
For almost 2-1/2 years all Terry was concerned about was what I had done with Peter on CFB Namao.
For the entirety of the time I lived with my father until I moved out of his house when I turned 16 he was always pissed off with how I had fucked with his military career and how I had allowed Peter to fuck with my younger brother.
I had found an escape via cadets.
But Earl Ray Stevens took cadets away from me and reaffirmed to me that I must be a homosexual.
Somehow Earl knew that I was a military dependent and that I lived in an environment in which the threat of being exposed as a homosexual was enough to keep a kid’s mouth shut.
It wouldn’t be until years later that I realized why Earl had chosen me over any of the other kids in cadets is he knew that I was a base brat. He knew that my father was in the Canadian Forces.
Earl was in the Canadian Corp of Commissionaires. Earl had been in the Canadian Armed Forces himself. I wasn’t the first military dependent that Earl sexually abused. He knew that military dependents would be more inclined to keep their mouths shut.
How many other children did Earl sexually abuse on the various bases that he had been stationed on during his career.
I learnt from Earl that no one ever really tells the truth, that people will lie and deceive to get what they want, and that people will pay money for silence.
So, after all these years, will I ever be normal?
No, normal is not something that I will ever be.
Normal is such a foreign concept to me.
Yes, not being normal has allowed me to do things that I wouldn’t ever have tried if I was “normal”.
Facial tattoos? I love them. I’m proud of them. But they don’t belong in the world of the “normals”.
Dresses? I love them. They’re very comfortable to wear. They’re also very practical as well. But men don’t wear dresses in the world of the “normals”.
Lonely? Yep, I’m lonely. But this is something that I’ve had 40 years to get accustomed to.
In the period of Nov 1981 to Apr 1983 my civilian social workers had noted that I was completely unable to form friendships. It wasn’t that I was unfriendly. It was noted that I was afraid of others and that I preferred to keep to myself and just read books. I couldn’t express emotions such as happiness or sadness. I was unable to cry.
What will money bring me? Nothing really.
It will give me some breathing room, maybe do some of the things I’ve always wanted to do but was unable to do.
But it will also bring out those who feel that I was just grifting the military all along.
So, it’s really a no-win situation.
One thought on “Normal”
Hi, I’ve read a few of your posts and I always wanted to reply but honestly I have no words to give that’ll help in any way. Today I just want to say; “screw normal!” If it’s possible at all, find some happiness in whatever you can. I’m sending you my love❤️ and hugs🤗 for all it’s worth. My prayer for you is that you find some kind of resolution in all of this. Stay strong!
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