In June of 2011, sensing that my complaint against the babysitter P.S. from CFB Namao was going off the rails I started to try to locate proof that what P.S. had done to me on CFB Namao had some effect on me. And I remember that one of my counsellors named Terry had called me a “homosexual” because of what I had been found doing with P.S. on CFB Namao. And with both Terry and my father blaming me for allowing P.S. to molest my younger brother I knew that if I could get my hands on Terry’s paperwork that I could give this to the CFNIS and it would show them that something had occurred on CFB Namao.
I ended up getting the paperwork. Took some hunting, but eventually I obtained my foster care records from the Alberta Government. These records detailed quite a bit of information that I had obviously been oblivious to as a child.
- Terry was Captain Terry Totzke a social worker with the Canadian Armed Forces.
- I was found to be terrified of men, and especially terrified of my father.
- I was afraid that my father was going to drown me in a toilet.
- I was beyond depression and had severe anxiety issues.
- My father had signed paperwork admitting me to the foster care system.
- I was supposed to be placed into foster care or residential care.
- I had become so emotionally disturbed that I was supposed to be placed into psychiatric care.
- Richard refused to allow me to be placed on medication to help me with my major depression and my severe anxiety.
- More interesting though was that my father was found
- to accept no responsibility for his family,
- blamed his mother for problems with my brother and I,
- blamed my mother for problems with my brother and I,
- expected others to solve his problems for him,
- Frequently told different stories from one meeting to the next,
- Was found to tell those in positions of authority what he thought they wanted to hear.
Needless to say I was beyond devastated when I read the social service paperwork.
I was able to get trauma counselling through work.
I needed help. The social service paperwork literally turned my world upside down.
Everything that Richard had told me as a kid was a lie.
We didn’t suddenly move in April of 1983 so that he could save me from the drugs the counsellors wanted to give me to make me stop kissing boys. He was fleeing the jurisdiction of Alberta so that he wouldn’t lose custody of me through the foster care / residential care system
I didn’t get expelled from school in February of 1983 for kissing a boy in class. Richard yanked me out of the school so that Alberta Social Services couldn’t apprehend me when I was off the base and in civilian jurisdiction.
In fact there’s not a single damn mention of Alberta Social Services having any concern about any apparent “homosexuality”. They were concerned about how dysfunctional my home life was, how emotionally disturbed I had become, and how indifferent my father seemed to be to helping me.
So, I got set up with professional counselling.
This counselling though wasn’t to help me with the past. It was just to help me cope in the here and now so that I could process the information that I had obtained and the information that I would no doubt keep obtaining from my quest for knowledge.
Even though my counsellor wouldn’t be able to help me deal with the issues from my past he needed to understand the dynamics of back then so that he could understand why these documents were having such an impact.
In one of the sessions he asked me if I understood what a “scapegoat” was. I replied that beyond being someone blamed for somebody else’s fuckups I didn’t know too much about what a scapegoat was.
So he explained to me that in biblical times a scapegoat was a goat that was cursed with all of the sins and impurities of the village and then chased off into wilderness to carry away the sins and impurities with it.
I was my father’s scapegoat. Probably chosen because (a) I was the eldest, (b) I most resembled my mother, the woman he despised, (c) I had caused trouble for him on CFB Namao when I got molested by the babysitter.
Why did Richard need a scapegoat?
The reasons are multiple:
- He needed to shield himself from the blame of my brother and I being molested on CFB Namao by our babysitter.
- Richard was frequently away on training exercises for 6 to 8 weeks at a time.
- Even when Richard wasn’t on training exercises he was often staying off base with his various girlfriends.
- Vicki in Westakawin
- A woman on Canadian Forces Base Griesbach
- Sue out by Londonderry Mall.
- Richard was frequently absent from the house between September 1978 and August 1980.
- Richard knew that his mother was an alcoholic and had issues.
- Richard was an alcoholic and had issues.
- So instead of my brother and I having been molested over 1-1/2 years because of Richard’s very poor parenting skills and very poor decision making, my brother was sexually abused because I allowed the babysitter to molest my younger brother. I was sexually abused because as Captain Terry Totzke said, I had a mental illness, I was a homosexual.
- And over time Richard dumped his entire parenting responsibilities upon my shoulders. He even said this to Alberta Social Services, that he expected me to look after my younger brother.
- When we arrived on Canadian Forces Base Downsview things started to get worse for me the more my brother started to get into trouble.
- My father called me self centred for not spending more time with my brother.
- My father said that it was my fault that my brother was getting into trouble because I wasn’t looking after him.
- I forget exactly when, but my brother did something that ended up with Richard dragging me out of bed and laying a good beating on me. During this beating Richard made it very clear that my brother was “doing these things” because I let P.S. touch him. Yes, Richard named the babysitter himself around 1986ish.
- The more trouble my brother got into, the more I got blamed and chastized for not raising him right and being a good example to him.
The counsellor asked me who my brother’s father was. I said “Richard”.
Whose responsibility was it to raise your brother? “Richard?”
Whose responsibility was it to discipline your brother? “Richard?”
Whose responsibility was it to keep you and your brother safe from that child molester? “Richard?”
Yes, Richard was his father just as Richard was my father.
I didn’t impregnate my mother with my brother, so why the hell was it my responsibility to raise him and to protect him?
It was Richard’s responsibility.
And as Richard couldn’t and wouldn’t take responsibility he needed someone to blame.
I became his scapegoat.
All of Richard’s failings, shortcomings, inadequacies, and fuckups became the failings, shortcomings, inadequacies, and fuckups of an 8 year old boy.
My brother has asked why he doesn’t remember Richard being like this, why he never remembers Richard blaming me for things that went wrong.
As my counsellor said, Richard only needed one scapegoat to absolve himself of any problems with his family. Marie wasn’t around, so he couldn’t blame her. He knew better than to try to blame his own mother to her face, so he couldn’t blame her, there’s no way that Sue was going to wear my brother or I. Richard couldn’t blame my younger brother as that would be absolutely batshit insane even for a clown like him.
I was Marie’s son.
I was the oldest.
I became the scapegoat by default.
Richard could carry on as the poor guy just trying his damnedest to raise his children that had been abandoned by their mother. It obviously wasn’t his fault that his sons were being sexually molested, or having psychiatric issues, or getting into trouble with the law.
Fuck no. It was Robert’s fault.
Robert wasn’t suffering psychological trauma from 1-1/2 years of sexual abuse at the hands of P.S. and Captain McRae. Robert wasn’t having psychological issues due to the unwarranted “conversion therapy” at the hands of Captain Terry Totzke. Robert wasn’t suffering psychological trauma because of his dysfunctional family. No, Robert was just “acting up” for attention.