or how I realized that to be at peace with one’s self you have to realize that none of this matters.
It’s interesting how little people actually matter.
I could disappear tomorrow and to be honest not a single person would miss me. And that’s not being glib, it’s just being realistic.
Sure, there’s the pleasantries that would be exchanged. “Where’s Bobbie? Anybody seen Bobbie? No? Okay, who wants to go watch a hockey game next week?”
But me, like you, and like everyone else, are completely expendable.
As long as a person proves to be useful to someone else and we fill their requirements, then we matter.
But the instance you stop being useful, and the instant you stop fulfilling the needs of other, you’re dispensable.
In March of 2011 when I went to the Edmonton Police Service with my complaint against P.S., I honestly had no idea of just how putrid this was going to turn out to be.
The more that I uncovered, the more blown away I was that I was actually part and parcel of something much larger than I could ever have imagined. I was no longer the little homosexual faggot that made the babysitter molest my younger brother.
I was now one of at least 25 children, if not many more that Canadian Armed Forces officer Captain Father Angus McRae molested on the three Canadian Forces Bases and one Canadian Forces Station that he had been stationed at from 1973 until July of 1980.
I thought that with the uncovering of the Captain McRae court martial transcripts and the CFSIU investigation paperwork that this would get the ball rolling. That people would start asking “If this could happen to a schmuck like Bobbie, how many other kids were sexually abused by members of the Canadian Forces?” and “How many other kiddie diddling priests were in the Canadian Forces bouncing from base to base?”
I thought that with the Military Police Complaints Commission noting that the CFNIS in 2011 and 2015 to 2018 had in their possession the paperwork from the 1980 investigation of Captain Father Angus McRae and the 1980 court martial of Captain Father Angus McRae which indicated that the military police in 1980 were well aware of the antics of P.S. that this too would get the ball rolling.
Outside of one story by David Pugliese, not a single bit of interest from the media or anyone else for that matter.
And with that I think that I’ve reached the final conclusion of my engagement with the Canadian Armed Forces.
Child sexual abuse obviously did not occur on the bases.
Children were obviously not sexually abused on base.
The Canadian Forces military police were obviously competent enough to protect the children living on base even though they couldn’t protect the adults.
My brother was not abused by P.S.
I was not abused by P.S. or Captain McRae.
P.S. didn’t have me provide oral sex to a much older man when I was 8 years old.
None of that happened.
And that’s okay.
I am not the person to expose this.
Not within my skillset.
So now I just have to concentrate on what’s going to happen in 2023.
We’ll have to see how my application for M.A.i.D. goes.
As I’ve said before, suicide isn’t for me.
Too much pain and too messy.
M.A.i.D. is ideal from the look of it.
Very painless, very quick, no mess, no fuss.
I don’t want to be the poster boy for M.A.i.D. for psychiatric issues.
But it is what it is.
I get to leave on my own terms.
I get to tie up all loose ends.
I get to fulfil my “bucket list” if you will.
And then I never have to worry about anything ever again.
And I promise you, no one will be the wiser when I’m gone.
Sure, you may say “but Bobbie, aren’t you letting the Canadian Forces off the hook too easy?”.
Not my fight anymore.
Not my concern anymore.
I’m probably going to take some time off from work before I go through with M.A.i.D..
I found out that my pension will actually pay out early if I’m about to die, and yes M.A.i.D. is an acceptable cause of death for early payout.
Won’t be much, but it’ll be enough that I can do somethings.
Maybe just disappear right up until the day before the procedure.
But yeah, I’m not working to the end. And I have no intention of letting my pension go to waste.
My corpse can go to UBC medical school.
I’m hoping that my brain can go to the Montreal Brain Bank.
And in the end, when I’m gone I’ll be just as missed as I was prior to being conceived.
Once you realize just how truly insignificant you are you begin to realize that everything in the universe will carry on just fine without you.
You don’t need to be here.
You’re free to go anytime you wish.
You do not owe it to anyone to continue to exist.