Well, looks like I missed out on yet another queer friendly event.
National Coming Out Day………. you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t get too excited about this. The boot print is still fresh on my ass from when I got swiftly kicked into the closet when I was 9.
After all these years I still don’t know if I really deserved to be kicked into that closet, but c’est la vie as they say. Decisions were made and my father went along with them willingly or otherwise.
In life everyone expects a person to fit into a predefined package. If you’re a male and you’re not into women, then you must be gay, eh? If you’re bi, you’re really just an undecided gay. If you don’t like sex with other people then you’re just a sick fucking freak.
Have I ever been to a Pride Parade? Honestly I think I’ve only gone to the Pride Parade or the pride festival four or five times in the 24 years that I’ve lived in the West End.
I’ve never really felt welcome or wanted at these types of events. I’m not a party animal nor am I a drinker. And it really doesn’t help that I don’t really identify as gay, straight, bi, or anything else.
Yeah I’ve had sex with a couple of females in my life, and yeah I’ve had sex with a few more males in my life. And no, that’s not including P.S., Captain McRae, the man in the sauna, Earl Ray Stevens, Al M. or a few others that I probably won’t be able to name because I forgot their names but not their actions.
I don’t really like being “intimate” with people. Is that my depression, my anxiety, or just my general confusion, or the fact that from 7 to 16 I was always someone’s sex toy?
Had captain Totzke not drilled it into my head when I was young that I was exhibiting a mental illness called “homosexuality” would I have been straight, or in the alternative would I have grown up to be a happy and well adjusted homosexual male?
If I hadn’t been abused on CFB Namao, would I be as conflicted about sex as I am? Sex to me is repulsive, sickening, and something that you provide when someone wants something.
I wear dresses not because I identify as female. I wear dresses because I don’t identify as male. And as such I see no reason as to why I can’t wear dresses. They’re far more comfortable than pants, pants suck, dresses rock.
Yet, if I went looking for a new job tomorrow and I went in to the interview wearing one of my many dresses I can promise you that there’s a high probability that I would not be hired.
I had a departmental manager not too long ago refuse to allow me to wear shorts to work when I was working on the roof in +25C temps. His reasoning was that shorts were simply a wedge issue and that if he allowed me to wear shorts then I’d want to wear dresses.
I had another manager years ago at a previous employer who always used to call me “Freddie” as in Freddie Mercury. If I got sick he’d always ask me if I came down with AIDs. He used to threaten to “out me” to the Board of Directors.
When I got mugged in 1995, the investigating VPD officer was adamant that I was a homosexual prostitute.
Is there something about me that makes others think I’m gay or queer?
I know as a kid I used to cut off my eyelashes thinking that was the problem.
If frequently wondered if the reason I got sexually abused so many times as a kid was maybe I was a homosexual like Terry said that I was. Maybe my abusers detected something about me and thought that I would enjoy with their wishes.
So I dunno, Pride, Coming Out Day, they really don’t mean anything to me ’cause I have absolutely no idea of what I am.
I just am and I just exist.
And that’s it.