One of the things that drives me nuts the most is my high functioning depression.
When I discovered in the summer of 2011 that I had been diagnosed with major depression and severe anxiety and that Captain Totzke and my father had made numerous overtures to my civilian social workers while at the same time seeming to conspire against me receiving treatments of any kind, I was beyond furious.
Growing up with untreated mental illness wasn’t fun in the slightest.
I could never figure out why I never fit in. I was always the outsider. I was always that target of my father’s anger. I was always getting beat up by the other kids on base and the civilian kids that lived around the base.
Struggling with untreated major depression meant that I always liked to be alone by myself. And there’s nothing better than the desire to want to be left alone to bring out the accusations of “so you think you’re too good to hang with us”, or “you think that you’re better than us”, or “you’re just an asshole”.
But as time went by I learnt to hide and mask my issues. As I said, I wouldn’t learn the truth until 2011.
And this had major implications in my life.
I just learnt how to sleep almost all of the time and just accept it as “being lazy”.
I learnt how to avoid conflict at work so as not to get into situations that would trigger a breakdown or a crises. This was bad as it meant that I got walked over a lot and taken advantage of.
Because I loved solitude and being left alone, I was never seen as suitable management material.
The one truth in life is more unqualified people have been promoted to positions well beyond their capabilities due to their pleasant personality than qualified people who have been promoted that lack social graces and pleasantries.
“Running the World” by Jarvis Cocker had an opening verse that has always resonated with me.
“Well, did you hear, there’s a natural order
Those most deserving will end up with the most
That the cream cannot help but always rise up to the top
Well I say, “Shit floats””
Yeah, may not be a popular outlook in the corporate world, but when you’ve been gifted with untreatable depression you play with the cards that you were dealt.
As I’ve said, I’ve been able to somewhat mask my issues. But masked or not, they’re still an ever present pain in the ass to deal with.
Without my depression and my anxiety I could have been something. Anything other than what I currently am.
What I currently am is someone who can read books and manuals.
But doing what I currently do doesn’t fill me with any sense of satisfaction, pleasure, or pride.
It’s just something that I do for 7-1/2 hours per day to keep food on my plate.
And that’s it.
Beeshive 