Is M.A.i.D. behind me?

As I responded to Zuzu, no, I haven’t given up on obtaining Medical Assistance in Dying.

Transitioning is something that I want to get off my plate.

It’s like a dying child using “Make-A-Wish”.

Transitioning, or more appropriately, nullifying my male gender is something that I had wanted to do all of my life.

I have never identified as a male.

I didn’t ask to be a male.

So, at least I’m going to take some big steps.

Start off with the androgen blockers and the estrogen replacement.

I will lose a lot of my muscle bulk, which is good. Mentally my body has always felt much smaller that what I physically am.

Next step would be orchiectomy and then the penectomy.

And that’s it.

The genitalia that I’ve always considered to be foreign is gone.

The body that I have never identified with is gone.

The body that I will have will have the breasts that I always felt were missing. They won’t be much to look at, but at least they’ll be breasts.

The hips that I have always felt should have been wider with the iliac crests for me to rest my hands on will never be there. Male puberty was a long time ago, and some things can’t be undone.

No labia majora, no labia minora, no clit, no vagina, no cervix, no uterus, no ovaries.

A female?

No.

A male?

Thankfully no.

As I discussed in a previous blog post, I never thought that I was giving off signs as to my gender issues, but nonetheless others have picked up on it. These were usually men who were certain that I was gay due to some effeminate traits or signals that I wasn’t aware that I was giving off.

Unfortunately I will now have another faction of people to deal with.

There will be women out there that will despise me.

You’ve never had a period!

You’ve never experienced growing up knowing that you could be raped at any moment.

You’ve never had a pap smear.

Yep, sure.

I’ll never get to become pregnant and have children.

The raped part?

Sure, technically in Canada rape was not a crime that could be committed against boys. But I did spend 1978 to 1980 getting penetrated by my babysitter. I would go on to be sexually abused by men, some of whom were in positions of authority.

If anything I am only following the whims of my genes and my DNA.

I am firm believer in the nature side of the nature vs. nurture debate.

Yes, the male brain and the female brain are identical in build. Autopsies, MRIs, fMRIs, CT scans, EEGs have shown that for the most part male and female brains function the same. But what these scans and tests can’t yet detect is the wiring of the brain.

The human brain has to have some instinctual information hardwired into it otherwise every human born would have to learn the basics at birth.

Breathing?

Instinctual

Swallowing?

Instinctual

Latching on to your mother’s nipple?

Instinctual.

Women don’t have to learn from other women how to engage in sexual intercourse just as men don’t have to learn from other men how to engage in sexual intercourse.

“So how was Henry last night? Did you have sex with him?”
“Oh, sure I did, if you can call it that”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, he kept rubbing his flaccid penis against my ear”
“What?”
“Yeah, he said that no one had shown him how to get an erection and he didn’t know how to make his penis hard”
“But why your ear? Don’t you know where his penis is supposed to go you silly girl?”
“My mother never showed me, so I thought that it was supposed to be my belly button, be he told me not to be silly.”

Sexual behaviours are basic instincts. Every human is born with instinctual level knowledge as to how their genitals work.

All humans begin their first few weeks not as a blank slate, but as a fetus that appears to be female from the outside.

This is why most clinics will not tell the parents the gender of their child, it’s not that they don’t want to, it’s that until about 12 weeks its almost impossible to do with anywhere near 100% certainty.

Prior to 6 to 8 weeks all fetuses have labia and all fetuses have vaginas, and all fetuses have a clitoris.

Over the next few weeks things will begin to change.

All fetuses have a pair of gonads in their lower abdomen.

If the fetus has XX chromosomes the gonads will descend into the pelvis where they will become ovaries.

If the fetus has XY chromosomes the gonads will develop into testes and they’ll descend to down to where the scrotum will eventually be.

The timing of the development of the gonads is critical as the gonads will drive major changes in the fetus.

If the gonads become testicles, they’ll start to secrete androgens, one of which is testosterone. The labia majora will close and fuse together, this is why males have that ridge in their scrotum. The labia minora will become the penile raphe. The clitoris will become the glans of the male penis.

If the fetus is XX, the gonads will become ovaries which will secrete estrogen and other hormones associated with female development. The genital features that are in place already will continue on with their development. The uterus will form as will the fallopian tubes.

There is a very interesting condition that occurs when a fetus has XY chromosomes but has Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome or AIS. This whole topic is well beyond me, but basically due to a genetic coding issue the androgen receptors on the cells in their body are unable to bind with androgen molecules.

These people are born with genitalia that looks female. And nothing is suspected until their teenage years when they fail to develop secondary sexual characteristics and they fail to start to menstruate.

A blood test or a tissue test will show that instead of being XX, their cells are all XY. They have no uterus and they have undeveloped testicles in their abdomen.

Other gender variations arise from XO, XXY, XXX, XYY. Even “normal” XY and XX can have a multitude of variations due to variations of genes on other chromosomes.

The idea that there are only two genders if fucking laughable.

The above paragraphs deal with gender. The next few paragraphs will deal with gender identity.

I am of the firm belief that gender identity is hardwired into the brain along the same time the gonads form into either testicles or ovaries. Your brain has to be wired to be able to use the various parts of your body. To say that the human brain is formed as just a billion random neurons with no purpose is laughable. Every human brain, barring genetic defects, has the same sections that preform the same functions.

There has been quite a bit of research done into the development of the human brain so far as it relates to gender and orientation.

Much like the genitals of a fetus require androgens to interrupt the development of female genitals the human brain as it turns out is destined to be “female” unless it is masculinized by exposure to androgens.

Can an XY male that doesn’t suffer from AIS identify as a female?

Why not?

If the human brain is supposed to become masculinized with the exposure to androgens, is it not possible that timing issues or hormone levels or even hormones from the mother’s bloodstream have affected the fetus’s brain?

Is there a brain test or a brain scan that will detect this masculinization to see if it occurred at the right level to fully modify all of the original female wiring.

Nope.

You get people like me who feel like the junk they have is not what should be there.

You get people like me who don’t fit the masculine roles that we’re supposed to fit.

But back to the topic of M.A.i.D..

I want medical assistance in dying because I am tired.

I am burnt out

Will transitioning change my desire for M.A.i.D..

No.

But at least I will for once be able to be comfortable in my body.