One of the things that I really hate and despise about my life is my ability to read and undertsand technical documents.
This causes a shit load of friction at work as I’m not qualfied to do the work, but I’m often expected to do the work none the less because I know the most about it.
Some of the guys at work think that I’m playing games, that I’ve had some sort of special technical training or that I’ve taken technical courses and that I’m playing “dumb” becuase I want to keep all of my superior knowledge to myself.
The only thing that I’m really good at is RTFM (Read The Fucking Manual).
We had the cooling tower make-up water line freeze durnig the cold snap. The heat trace wasn’t applied to the pipe properly so it froze and burst.
I asked my guys to cut the insulation off the pipe so that the plumbers could re-pipe the whole section. I must have been speaking in Klingon ’cause none of them understood. “But Bobbie, we’ve never done insulation before, I don’t feel comfortable doing it”. Take a box cutter, slit the insulation from one end of the water line to the other, and then peel off the insulation and throw it in the garbage.
I’m a grade fucking 8 dropout. I left school due to a fucking dysfunctional household. Trade school, college, univeristy, etc. were never going to be in my future.
But, I’m doing BACnet network installation, I’m working on replacing the dead soft starter on chiller #3. I was instrumental in having all of the variable pitch mechanisms replaced on the supply fans with fixed pitch hubs and VFDs.
It’s not that I hate my job, it’s just that circumstances beyond my control put me here. Untreated meantal illness. Untreated sexual abuse. Unacknowledged neglect, physical abuse, and mental abuse.
This job isn’t what I would have done in life had I had a chance.
What would I have done in life? Don’t know, but it sure wouldn’t have involve work where I’m probably the dumbest silly fucker going, but I’m also yelled at the most for not respecting the fact that the other guys just don’t know as much as I do.
“Bobbie, you gotta respect that these guys just don’t have your skills and abilities, you’re pushing them too hard and they’re getting upset”
Sure, I could have found a sugar daddy when I was 17 who would have put me through school and trade school…….. but I hate sex and I don’t like people, so that wouldn’t have worked.
I could have played the lottery or scratched the scratchies, but that’s not the way to higher learning.
With my father yelling in my head non-stop about how I fucked with his military career, how I’m really not as smart as I think I am, and how I allowed the babysitter to abuse my younger brother, etc., I never would have had the confidence required to finish school, or go to trade school, or go to college, or go to univeristy.
I’ve fallen up the ladder so to speak.
Beeshive 
I listen to your blog and I really relate to you. I too want to die and still fighting that my family doctor fill the MAID application. Once I get the first assessment , I will start to open up as same as you there is nothing for me in this earth and nobody cares about me. If I am not successful here would like to do it overseas either Holland or Switzerland but I need to find out about the cost plus lodging
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Years ago when I first hear about Switzerland that had always been one of my goals. And then when it started to look like Canada was going to finally allow Medical Assistance in Dying I thought that my dream had come true.
Now I’m scared more than ever that I won’t be able to receive MAiD due to the government getting cold feet.
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