Imperfect humans

Humans by nature, so I have learnt, are far from perfect.

Human brains are so delicate and so easily damaged.

I am far from perfect.

Trauma can destroy a brain.

I should know, mine is fucked.

Mine often feels like it is getting warm, and being crushed from within.

Brains, once traumatized, will never be the same.

No matter how hard you try, you’ll never forget how to ride a bicycle once you’ve learnt how to ride a bicycle.

No matter how hard you try, you’ll never forget how to skate on ice once you’ve skated on ice.

Once your brain has been traumatized you will never be the same.

There will be those that say “Well Bobbie, you’ll just have to try harder and just get over the past”.

Doesn’t work that way.

As I’ve said elsewhere, it wasn’t that people didn’t know about the abuse. People did know about the abuse. And the chose not to do anything about the abuse. And they chose to blame me for the abuse.

That fucked with me. That fucked with my brain.

And how your brain reacts to trauma is genetically set as well.

My mother had issues with anxiety to the point where she couldn’t care for me at times and I had to be taken in as a boarder at the hospital in Halifax.

My father had issues with depression to the point that he was returned to port by the Canadian Forces. Alcohol was his crutch. He was a happy drunk, and that’s why he drank. He only became a raging asshole when he was sober.

People commit suicide A LOT.

People will ALWAYS commit suicide.

According to the Public Health Agency of Canada, 4500 people die by suicide each year. That’s over 12 per day.

America had about 48,000 suicides in 2021

There’s only so much trauma one person’s brain can endure.

The human brain is hardwired to survive.

The fact that the human brain can also devise ways to kill itself indicates that the brain can only take so much stress and damage before it says that enough is enough.

And society has to understand that.

The human brain is a mushy blob of fat with a billion or so neurones that pass around signals by way of electrical and chemical processes.

Forcing people to endure hell is not right.

I get people at work that try to be friendly to me and try to cheer me up all of the time. It’s so fucking annoying.

I like to work because it keeps my brain distracted from its desire to die.

But with depression and anxiety I only have so much energy to give.

Yes, I snap at people.

Yes, I get pissed off at people.

Yes, I find people who talk to much to be annoying to the point that my brain feels like its on fire.

Yes, I am extremely forgetful.

Yes, I cannot remember faces and I get really fucking annoyed when people equate my knack for building automation with being too smart to forget faces.

My brain is damaged.

And I am tired.

With all that I have been through in life, and all that I have suffered through on my own, death is not a punishment.

My death is not an indication of my failure.

My death will be my release.

People have an irrational fear of death.

Death does not hurt.

Death is painless.

Death is peaceful.

Dying is the scary part.

And with all that I’ve been through, I think I deserve to be able to end my life when I want to and to have assistance with ending my life quickly and painlessly.

Sure, there are those who will claim that I am being selfish, and childish, and immature, and unthankful, not considerate of others, and going against god’s will.

Here’s an interesting tidbit. In the next 100 years, over 7.5 Billion people are going to die. The current estimate to date is that over 100 Billion people have died since humans began to walk the face of the Earth.

That’s a lot of death.

And yet the Earth still orbits around the Sun, our solar system still floats amongst other solar systems in the milky way, the milky way is one of an estimated two trillion galaxies in the universe.

My death will have no effect on any of this.

So far as god goes, god is a creation of humans.

God or the multitude of other gods have served as a crutch for humanity to explain things that couldn’t be explained and to justify things that are beyond justification.

Humans have always had an irrational fear of death.

It’s one of the curses of our intelligence.

We know we exist.

We know we are alive.

We also know that we die.

The human brain knows what it is like to be alive.

The human brain has no idea of what it feels like to not exist.

The human brain cannot imagine being dead.

Decaying and rotting corpses look bad and they smell bad.

But you have nothing to fear as once your brain is dead your corpse is just a piece of meat that can no longer maintain itself.

So the human mind creates heavens, hells, Xanadus and Valhallas and a plethora of other places in the “after life”.

And it creates gods to rule over those places.

Gods serve as a source of creation to explain where we came from.

Gods also serve as a source of comfort to take the fear out of death.

But then people become afraid of angering the gods that they have created.

And so every life is sacred.

Life on Earth is a gift.

You are an evil and flawed person if you want to take your leave early.

You will anger god.

God will cast you into a void or a lake of fire.

So suicide and medical assistance in dying become bad, and wrong, and evil.

Forcing people to endure mental trauma and mental anguish to keep the god crutch happy becomes the norm.

No one was around in 1978 to 1980 to stop Captain McRae and his teenaged accomplice.

No one was around when I was in the care of the military social worker.

No one was around when I had to endure my father’s wrath for “fucking with his military career”.

So you know what, you don’t get a say in my death.

And you don’t get to shame me, or chastise me, or ridicule me for choosing death over life.

I didn’t ask to be born.

I didn’t ask for this life.

I didn’t ask for the sexual, physical, and mental abuse.

I didn’t ask for the mental and emotional neglect.

But what I am asking for is a peaceful death.

Is that really too much to ask for?