I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.
So, I often get asked “Bobbie, if you’re having such problems, why don’t you get help?”
Well, truth be told I have tried to get help in the past. I honestly have.
This isn’t the first time I’ve been turned down, and I have a sneaking suspicion that this won’t be the last time that I am turned down.
My current nurse practitioner had arranged for me to see someone on the north shore. But once this counsellor found out about my history and my issues, they suddenly weren’t taking bookings until next year.
My nurse practitioner has actually been the only one so far who has shown an interest in my issues. When I started having severe problems back in May of this year he had no reservations about getting me on escitalopram.
I’ve had counsellors over the years. Some were good, a few were bad, but most were indifferent.
The problem that we run into is not a single counsellor has ever run into a high functioning person with so many issues.
- Dysfunctional household – check
- Intergenerational issues – check
- Abandonment issues – check
- Sexual abuse – check
- Prolonged sexual abuse – check
- Multiple perpetrators of the sexual abuse – check
- Graphic and depraved sexual abuse – check
- Blaming the victim for their own abuse – check
- Blaming the victim for someone else’s abuse – check
- Receiving unwarranted “conversion therapy” – check
- Parent threatening the victim with physical harm or death – check
- Untreated major depression – check
- Untreated severe anxiety – check
- Untreated CPTSD – check
- Inability to form relationships- check
So, it’s obvious that I’m not going to be a case that any counsellor is going to want to engage with. Counsellors, just like everyone else, want the cases that will end in success. Nobody wants to take on cases that are almost certain to end in failure.
People like me are not supposed to hold down employment or keep our noses clean. We’re supposed to be barely functional wrecks.
People like me are supposed to be dead from suicide. I know of three from the CFB Namao matter who meet that criteria. I know others who have had a very rough run at life as well.
And if we’re not dead from suicide we’re supposed to be alcoholics, or heroin junkies, or on crack, self medicating ourselves into an early grave. I’m still amazed in all honesty that I’m not pushing a shopping cart down the alleys collecting bottles and junk to trade for money.
I would guess that another issue that prevented me from receiving counselling is that I’ve never had anyone advocating for me.
My father should have advocated for me back in 80 – 83, but he couldn’t take responsibility for his family and would often insist to me that I was only acting up in order to get out of what I had allowed the babysitter to do to my younger brother. In other words I was faking “major depression”, “severe anxiety” and a host of other issues as a way to shed the blame I deserved for what had happened to my younger brother.
My mother couldn’t advocate as I don’t think she knew bugger sweet all about CFB Namao or my life thereafter.
My stepmother? I don’t think she honestly knew what was going on as I don’t think that Richard had ever been truthful with her about the events of CFB Namao, or why Marie left in 1977, or just about anything else.
So as I stumbled and bumbled through life from one breakdown to another, there was never anyone there for me ensuring that I was getting the help that I needed.
And I’ll bet you that most of these counsellors, upon hearing my issues, can’t help but wonder what it is I expect to accomplish at the age of 50.
It’s not like I’m 15, or 20, or even 30. I’m 50.
I’m not suddenly going to find a boyfriend and get married and live happily ever after.
I’m not suddenly going to find a girlfriend and get married and live happily ever after.
I’m not going to become less disgusted by sex and sexual intercourse and start having sex.
I’m not all of a sudden going to become everyone’s best friend and start drinking and hanging out in bars with them.
I’m not suddenly going to stop having recurring nightmares about the abuse on CFB Namao or my father’s own anger outbursts.
These counsellors must be thinking to themselves “WTF? Why Me? I’m not a fucking miracle worker”.
So, my journey for a counsellor continues.
And please no, I don’t need healing crystals, or magical chants.