Well, it’s three weeks until my appointment with my nurse practitioner.
This of course is when I get my prescription for testosterone / androgen blockers and estrogen.
Is my goal to be a woman?
Nope.
I just have really never identified as anything. And I’ve never felt at home in my masculine body. In fact there are a lot of things that I hate and despise about with being a male.
If I had to say that I identified as anything, it would be non-binary. Something in the middle. A little bit of both. But not much of either.
I’ve always identified women as being smarter and superior to men.
I hate my genitals. I really do. I’ve hated this junk for as long as I can remember.
At first I’ll be on the testosterone / androgen blockers, but eventually I will undergo orchiectomy.
If I can get a penectomy, that would be nice, but it’s not a deal breaker.
Definitely not going for vaginoplasty.
I got fucked enough when I was a kid. If I never see another penis for so long as I live I’ll consider that to be “mission accomplished”.
Having nothing down there would make me happy.
I’ve wanted breasts for as long as I can remember, so much so that when I was about 11 or 12 and finally understood that I wasn’t going to develop breasts, I was devastated.
What will I develop?
Probably nothing more than an ‘A’ cup. Which is more than enough for me. If I had started this back in my teens or 20s I probably would have grown a bit more, but this will be fine.
I probably won’t show much at first, but around 6 months I should be sprouting. By about 14 months I’ll get as much as I’ll ever develop.
I’ll get softer skin, my facial hair will somewhat thin out. Other body hair will probably remain unchanged
I’ll lose muscle mass. My body fat will redistribute.
I’ve never felt at home in this body, and that was even before the events that occurred on Canadian Forces Base Namao.
My lack of breasts weren’t the only thing that I’ve felt was wrong since I was a kid. My hips don’t feel right. It’s like my hips should be much wider than what they are. The disconnect between my body size and what I feel my body size should be has haunted me all of my adult life. It’s hard to explain, but when I look in the mirror and see my body, my body feels as if it belongs to someone else. So when I say that I’m looking forward to losing muscle mass, I mean it.
Do I blame this gender / body dysphoria on the sexual assaults and subsequent counselling from CFB Namao? No. If anything the abuse and the subsequent counselling just conspired to delay me in taking action.
These issues are literally issues that I was born with.
Anyways, enough for now.
Beeshive 