Category: Gender

3 weeks to go

Well, it’s three weeks until my appointment with my nurse practitioner.

This of course is when I get my prescription for testosterone / androgen blockers and estrogen.

Is my goal to be a woman?

Nope.

I just have really never identified as anything. And I’ve never felt at home in my masculine body. In fact there are a lot of things that I hate and despise about with being a male.

If I had to say that I identified as anything, it would be non-binary. Something in the middle. A little bit of both. But not much of either.

I’ve always identified women as being smarter and superior to men.

I hate my genitals. I really do. I’ve hated this junk for as long as I can remember.

At first I’ll be on the testosterone / androgen blockers, but eventually I will undergo orchiectomy.

If I can get a penectomy, that would be nice, but it’s not a deal breaker.

Definitely not going for vaginoplasty.

I got fucked enough when I was a kid. If I never see another penis for so long as I live I’ll consider that to be “mission accomplished”.

Having nothing down there would make me happy.

I’ve wanted breasts for as long as I can remember, so much so that when I was about 11 or 12 and finally understood that I wasn’t going to develop breasts, I was devastated.

What will I develop?

Probably nothing more than an ‘A’ cup. Which is more than enough for me. If I had started this back in my teens or 20s I probably would have grown a bit more, but this will be fine.

I probably won’t show much at first, but around 6 months I should be sprouting. By about 14 months I’ll get as much as I’ll ever develop.

I’ll get softer skin, my facial hair will somewhat thin out. Other body hair will probably remain unchanged

I’ll lose muscle mass. My body fat will redistribute.

I’ve never felt at home in this body, and that was even before the events that occurred on Canadian Forces Base Namao.

My lack of breasts weren’t the only thing that I’ve felt was wrong since I was a kid. My hips don’t feel right. It’s like my hips should be much wider than what they are. The disconnect between my body size and what I feel my body size should be has haunted me all of my adult life. It’s hard to explain, but when I look in the mirror and see my body, my body feels as if it belongs to someone else. So when I say that I’m looking forward to losing muscle mass, I mean it.

Do I blame this gender / body dysphoria on the sexual assaults and subsequent counselling from CFB Namao? No. If anything the abuse and the subsequent counselling just conspired to delay me in taking action.

These issues are literally issues that I was born with.

Anyways, enough for now.

Blood tests

Well, I have some blood testing to get done in the next week.

I had an appointment with my nurse practitioner on Tuesday.

He wants to establish some baselines for my bloodwork so that he can keep an eye on my body to see how it’s adapting to the anti-androgen medications and the estrogen patches.

I’ll be on the anti-androgen meds for the first while to make sure that this is absolutely something that I want. After that I can undergo double orchiectomy to have both testicles removed after which I’ll only have to contend with the estrogen patches.

As I’m not electing for any “top” or “bottom” gender affirming surgery, this will make things go a lot smoother for me.

As I explained to my nurse practitioner, I don’t identify as female, but I don’t identify as male. I identify as nothing.

I don’t know if it’s because of the abuse from CFB Namao, or from the way the Canadian Armed Forces dealt with the abuse, and I mean not only my father, but Captain Terry Totzke, but I’ve always hated and despised the junk I have. I don’t like it. I’ve never liked it. I’ve never wanted it. And I want it gone to the best of my abilities.

I’ve also wanted breasts since I was a kid.

I was always so sure that I was going to grow breasts when I was younger. But then that defective “Y” chromosome came into play. CFB Griesbach and my time with Captain Totzke were not a pleasant time. Not only was I being blamed for what happened on CFB Namao, but my desires for breasts and my love of crossdressing were really fucking with my brain.

Yeah, I’ll readily admit that when I wore her dresses, I had always fantasized about being a girl, about going to bed as a boy and waking up the next day as a girl. But my involvement with Captain Totzke ensured that I always kept that shit to myself, buried away.

And with my father himself being in the Canadian Armed Forces, and with the attitude that the Canadian Forces had against “queers and homos” at the time, my desires were buried away.

Do I still want to be a girl?

Nope.

As the years have gone by, my aversion to sex and sexuality have made me realize that my hatred of being a male is not the same as wanting to be a female.

My desires for breasts has always been there.

So, I’m going to take the opportunity to get rid of the junk that I’ve despised all of my life to get the breasts that I’ve always wanted.

In 2008, when I legally changed my name, the reason I did so was that I was anticipating not full blown gender reassignment, but eliminating my male gender.

Unfortunately around that time I had made the stupid decision to try to hold the babysitter to account for what he had done. Clashing with the Canadian Armed Forces and their desires to keep secrets hidden in the past wasted about 16 years.

But, better late than never, eh?

What do I expect to occur once I start taking the androgen blockers and the estrogen patches?

The blockers I’ll be taking at full strength.

The patches will be at a small dose at first and then the dose will be gradually increased.

They won’t start me on the full strength of patch immediately as that would be like 4 years of puberty jammed into one month.

But there will be changes. changes such as:

  • Less and less facial hair
  • Thinning of my body hair
  • The low end of my voice may rise (no guaranteed)
  • My skin will soften
  • I will experience muscle loss
  • I will experience fat redistribution
  • I will grow breasts
  • I will undergo double orchiectomy once it is shown that my body is adapting to the new hormones and that there are no unintended complications.

Some things will not change though:

  • My hips will not widen
  • I will not form a uterus or ovaries
  • I will not have a vagina
  • I will not have labia
  • I will not menstruate
  • I will not be receiving gender-affirming surgery outside of the gender negating removal of my testicles.
  • My facial bone structure will not change
  • I will not suddenly gain a sex drive
  • I will not suddenly be sexually attracted to anyone

The breasts that I grow will be good enough. I will not go for any type of enhancement surgery.

There are risks though, and this is what the blood tests are for. Blood clots are a risk when switch hormones or going on to hormone therapy. Energy levels may decrease. Due to my age I’ll be going on the patch as opposed to taking pills as pills involve the liver and at my age the liver isn’t to be abused.

I don’t foresee running into any employment related issues. I’ve been wearing dresses and what have you at work for a long while now. My superiors, my coworkers, and my subordinates are all aware of my peculiar take on gender.

Once I start on this I’ll have to make out the required changes to my identification. For legal purposes where only male and female are gender options, I’ll be male as that is what my chromosomes indicate. But where there are more options than the heteronormative male / female, I will identify as “x” or non-binary.