Friends and relations

It should come as no surprise that I have absolutely no friends.

And I’m not including co-workers, superiors, or subordinates at work.

Throughout my life I could never understand why I couldn’t make friends.

Was I too stupid?

Was I fucked in the head?

The other kids on CFB Namao, CFB Griesbach, and even CFB Downsview loved beating the shit out of me on a regular basis.

I just couldn’t fit it.

No matter how hard I tried.

When I received my social service paperwork in 2011 I found two entries that really stood out.

“Robert does not have the ability to make friends”

“Robert is always left out and is often made the scapegoat by the other children”

“Robert is terrified of men”

With my depression, my anxiety, and my documented fear of being touched by other people it should probably come as no surprise that I couldn’t make friends.

I got beat up one day coming home from Pierre Laporte when I was in grade 8. Seems one of the jock boys had decided that my hips swung too much when I walked so therefore I was a faggot. This kid and his friend were fellow base brats from Canadian Forces Base Downsview.

In the aftermath of this I was so self conscious about how I walked. I think I did hip damage trying to walk like a “man”.

There were times at Pierre Laporte that I did get beat up over my lack of interest in girls.

The one time that I stood up to one of these assholes and was able to have a fair fight with my worst antagonist, my father threatened to knock the teeth out of my mouth if I ever fought again.

I guess that he was happy with me getting the shit beat out of myself, but if I dared fight back then I was going to get a beating that I’d never forget.

Maybe he was afraid that if I started fighting back against the other kids that I’s also start standing up to him and fighting back against him.

It wasn’t always like this.

I don’t remember much about Canadian Forces Base Shearwater, but I do remember that I had friends. Sure, they were mainly girls, but girls were nicer to play with.

As a kid I was never in to the “rough ‘n tumble” stuff. Reading, walking, playing on the swings, that’s what I liked. Jumping out of trees or climbing over the fences on base was never something that piqued my interests too much.

Same thing with Canadian Forces Base Summerside.

Even at the start on Canadian Forces Base Namao, things were okay, but the longer the abuse went on the harder it was to make and keep friends.

Once I had been discovered in the babysitter’s bedroom, that was the end of that.

When my family arrived on Canadian Forces Base Griesbach I started working at the mall cleaning pet cages in the pet store. It was here that I began to realize that adults were better than kids my age. Sure, they weren’t interested in playing. But as long as I did my work I’d get rewarded. And they didn’t want to beat me up.

Kids my age were supposed to be watching goofy TV shows on TV and then talking about them at recess during school. I wasn’t allowed to watch the goofy TV shows. It was either “get the fuck out of the house and go play” in -25C weather, or it was “Jesus H. Fucking Christ you’re too fucking old for that shit”.

Other kids would be invited to play with other kids. I wouldn’t. At least not on CFB Griesbach as I’d always smell like piss.

Sleepovers were obviously out of the question as I obviously wouldn’t be able to control myself sleeping with other boys. And of course there was my fear of pissing the bed.

By the time grade 6 and grade 7 rolled around, boys were supposed to be interested in girls. I wasn’t. Due to my experience with the babysitter, and Terry, and my father, sex was a disgusting thing and even just looking at a girl was wrong. Looking at boys was even worse.

The guys at Pierre Laporte started taunting and teasing me with pictures of figure skater Katarina Witt. To this day I still don’t understand what the fuck this was about, I really don’t.

Gym in and of itself wasn’t bad. But team sports were a disaster.

Having untreated depression and anxiety meant that I was an unmitigated disaster of uncontrolled crying and rage.

Public school is the worst place for someone with an untreated fear of being touched to be. Once the other kids know that they can get a reaction from you by simply touching you or even just threatening to touch you school quickly becomes a nightmare.

And you can bet your bottom dollar that when the teachers and principals at Sheppard Public, Elia Jr. High, and Pierre Laporte Jr. High would reach out to my father, he’d be of absolutely no use…….. “No sir, no ma’am, I have no explanation for why my son is behaving like that. He must be acting up for attention”

And these issues really hurt me in my adult life.

People are very leery of the guy who doesn’t have a partner, or a family.

Most companies view people without significant others as being undependable and unreliable.

Coworkers view you as highly suspect if you don’t want to hang around and talk about sportsball, or the see through dress that some female actor in a movie wore.

When you’re alone, you don’t have anyone to keep an eye on your depression. Doctors that I’ve seen in the past have always brushed off my mental health concerns as my family and others have never voiced a concern.

I bought a home cam a couple of years ago. As I live in a bachelor apartment the one camera sees everything. One night I left the camera on to record me when I slept. I was shocked at the number of times I’d grind my teeth over night, or the number of times that I’d wake up and just sit there before going back to bed.

But, by not sharing my bed with anyone meant that no one was there to point out just how fucking bad my bruxism actually was and how bad my insomnia really was.

Some people are envious of my bachelor lifestyle.

The life that I’ve led is nothing to be happy about and nothing to be jealous about.